Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

 

TALLAHASSEE, Florida –

A Florida man is behind bars today after he allegedly tried to take his girlfriend’s life. According to the victim, the altercation occurred when Wrangle had a dream that she was unfaithful to him.

Jacob Walter Wrangle was arrested on Wednesday following a vicious attack on his girlfriend, Jennie-Lynn Smyth. According to the victim, Wrangle reportedly awoke at 4 AM, and begin shouting and thrashing.

“He was screaming ‘Oh no you don’t. Not like this!’ and started grabbing at me,” said Smyth. “But he just kept screaming and saying ‘You can’t make me a fool. I’m your man!’”

Smyth said she then realized he was in the midst of a dream and attempted to calm him down. According to Smyth, Wrangle overpowered her and began to reach for a weapon. “I knew he had the handgun under the bed. But I was able to make my way to a phone when he stopped screaming at me and started talking about the orange flamingos taking his pants.”

Sheriff Deputy Steven Gordon arrived on the scene minutes later and attempted to reason with the sleep-walking Wrangle.

“The individual kept stating that the victim, Ms. Smyth, was making him look like a fool. My partner and myself attempted to reason with him until it became clear he was not fully cognizant. At that time, we decided to take utilize our tasers and subdue the individual.”

When reached for comment, Wrangle’s public attorney stated his client was sure that an act of infidelity occurred. According to the attorney, Wrangle saw Ms. Smyth and an unidentified man in mid-coitus on top of a unicorn at the local supermarket.

Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family’s Basement, Admits to Cops He’d Been There For 10 Years

 Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family's Basement, Admits to Cops He'd Been There For 10 Years


LAREDO, Texas –

A  family was in shock to find a homeless man sleeping in the basement of their Laredo, Texas home late Tuesday night. The man, who has been identified by police as Carl Noon, is being charged with breaking and entering along with other minor offenses.

Homeowner Tim Henry says that he and his family have lived in the house for about 14 years. “I tell you, finding that man sleeping in his basement was enough to scare the hell out of me, but when I found out later that he told police that he’d been living down there for over 10 years, I nearly passed out.”

“Well, I mean, I did hear noises downstairs a lot, but I always thought it was the dryer or heater kicking on,” said Tim’s wife, Julie. “Tim said that it was nothing. He put some mouse traps down there, but really it wasn’t ever that concerning. This is just too much to believe.”

Police are continuing to question Noon to see if he had actually been staying there for as long as he says he had. So far, they say there is no evidence to dispute in him making this claim.

“He has no reason to lie about it,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Laredo Police Department. “I’ve heard of this kind of thing before. They call it ‘frogging,’ I believe, which is a more insane version of ‘squatting,’ where you move into an abandoned or empty home. ‘Frogging’ is where people will sneak into your house and live, secretly, with you and your family.”

Noon told officers he thought the house was empty, originally, as at the time the Henry family had been on vacation. When they returned, he says he planned on leaving, but when no one noticed he was there, he just stayed. After only a short time, he become aware of the family’s schedule, and would shower an eat while they were at work and school.

“I always thought that someone had been eating my cookies and milk,” said Tim Henry. “I punished the kids so many times, thinking they were lying about it. Guess I owe them an apology!”

If convicted, Noon faces 6 months to 1 year in jail.

Man In Coma After Being Electrocuted By Walmart Self-Checkout Register

LUBBOCK, Texas – Man In Coma After Being Electrocuted By Walmart Self-Checkout Register

A man is still in a local Texas hospital early this morning after a bizarre event occurred at a Walmart located in Lubbock. Jason Hart, age 32, was electrocuted while using the self checkout lane, and the incident is raising suspicion as to whether or not the faster route is necessarily the best route for the customer.

Hart was using a self-checkout screen at the Lubbock Walmart when he was severely shocked, thrown several feet back, and knocked unconscious after hitting his head against the floor. Security cameras show the incident occurring at around 11:45pm.

“I came in for my shift and saw a man laying on the ground,” said Keith Evans, an employee at the store. “At first I thought it was some drunk guy passed out, which happens way more than you’d think. Actually, since we are talking about Walmart, it happens probably just as often as you’d think. Anyway, this guy had pissed himself, and he had vomited all over the place, too. It was on all the magazines and candy racks nearby. I tried to wake him up, but when he didn’t budge at my attempts, I called my manager, and she called 911.”

It still is unclear to what caused the screen to malfunction enough to shock Hart, but a small crack in the screen of the register Hart was using was identified by police, and they are consulting a ‘computer expert’ to discover whether such a small issue could be to blame.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess a computer could shock you,” said Joe Goldsmith, a computer expert on the payroll of the Lubbock Police Department. “I don’t know. Who cares? The guy is going to sue the store if he wakes up, anyway. Doesn’t matter if he was shocked, if he had a stroke, or if he tried to have sex with the cash register. In this country, if you’re injured at a place of business, you sue them. ‘Merica.”

Hart is currently in a Lubbock hospital and is still in a coma, but his vital signs are stable according to doctors.

Walmart has yet to make an official statement about the incident, pending legal advice, but a Walmart employee at the store did tape a piece of paper over the cracked screen that says “Out of Order.”

 

Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

 HOUSTON, Texas – Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Houston transsexual Mark Miller not only claimed to be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a pregnant woman trapped in a man’s body. In what many have called a ridiculous and unnecessary surgery, Mr. Miller has had a baby doll surgically implanted in his body. 

”Well, believe it or not, this surgery was covered by Obamacare. I don’t get paid to make moral decisions, but as long as I get paid, I’ll do whatever the patient wants,” said Miller’s surgeon, Stephen Smith. “After sterilizing the doll Mr. Miller brought in, the surgery was pretty straight forward. Curiously, he didn’t want the doll implanted inside him, he wanted it more, like…infused into his body. He’s a strange fellow. Regardless, Miller is doing very well, and if he is ever ready for a sex change, I’ll be there for him, because Obamacare covers that, too.”

“For the first time in my life, I feel complete,” said Miller. “I look great, I feel pregnant, and without all that yucky morning sickness. When I put on makeup and a dress and look in the mirror, I finally see my true self. It’s also going to help my sex life;  you would be amazed at how many men love a pregnant woman, especially one as hairy as I am. The best part is when you press my belly button, you can hear my baby doll say ‘Ma-Ma.’ I’ve never been happier.”

”You see, this why we have to repeal Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “This is sick, and a slap in the face of God. If you want to be proud to be a Texan and an American again, vote for me to be the next President and I’ll repeal Obamacare and ship these homo-Americans to Massachusetts where they belong.”

 

Homeless Man Finds $200,000 In NYC Trash Can

MANHATTAN, New York – Homeless Man Finds $200,000 In NYC Trash Can

Perhaps one of the luckiest and most honest people on the planet, Berry Holden recently went from living on the streets of New York, to living on the streets of New York with a giant bag of cash.

Holden said that he had been homeless on the streets of New York City for over 20 years, until one lucky Sunday while he was in the park. As Holden was sleeping on a bench, he noticed a man pass by and throw away almost an entire sandwich into a nearby trash bin.

“I was starving, and needed something in my stomach. I just woke up as the man passed by, and it was perfect timing, because it was a roast beef sub, and I love roast beef,” said Holden. “When I went over to the trash can so I could dig out the sandwich, I had trouble finding it, so had to dig deep in the can to grab it. When I was digging I noticed a very large, heavy bag and lifted it out. When  I opened it I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

Holden said that once he found the money, he forgot all about the sandwich – at least the discarded one.

“I went and bought myself lunch, a new outfit, and got myself a haircut. After doing all of those things, I went back to the park and tried to find the right full owner of the money,” said Holden. “I enjoy being homeless – that’s why I did it. It wasn’t drugs or booze or the stock market that made me homeless. I see normal people constantly pissed off and angry, and I remember being pissed off and angry when I worked all day. Now I have no commitments.”I would have left the cash there, but I was starving, and my clothes and hair were getting kind of gross. I’m still looking or the rightful owner. I’ve counted the money 4 times now, and it is about $200,000.”

Holden claims he will return the money to the rightful owner if he runs into them. In the meantime, he is still remaining on the streets and doesn’t plan to spend any more of the cash.

Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

FRESNO, California – Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.

 

 

World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois – Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.

 

 

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