Boxer With No Arms To Make His Pro Debut

Posted on July 14, 2015 by JP

MEXICO CITY, Mexico –

Boxing is a sport that takes fast hands, reflexes, and endurance. It is a game of chess, and you always have to be a move above your opponent just to land a clean punch. One of the toughest things about the sport is keeping your face and stomach from being blasted by a jab, and keeping your stamina up to survive those long, energy draining rounds.

Jorge Ramos, an amateur boxer, will be making his pro debut this month, and he brings something to the ring that no other boxer has brought before; both of his arms are missing, and he fights with just one stub.

Ramos was born with an infection in his arms, and as a kid had to have them removed. That didn’t stop him from living a normal life and striving to become a boxer, even though most people, including doctors, told him he would never be able to do so.

“I can’t believe that he is able to fight as well as he does,” said Ramos’ childhood physician, Dr. Pablo Escobar. “Ramos moves around the ring like a bird, avoiding punches by weaving his body back and forth. While he only has one part of his arm to strike with, he has found a way to knock out 6 of his 10 opponents in fights so far. I’ve been watching him grow, and he’s a modern marvel.”

Ramons has signed a bout with a fellow Mexican boxer, and tells the media that he will not only win, but he will knock him out in the first round.

Dad Arrested For Accidently Sending His Daughter A Picture Of His Penis

Posted on July 14, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A father of 3 is facing jail time for indecency after accidentally sending his daughter a picture that was meant to go to a female friend.

James Osborne, age 36, sent a picture of his erect penis to his 14-year-old daughter and, after she told her mother, Osborne was arrested and questioned by local police. Osborne has been divorced to his wife for 7 years, but says he still plays a “big, thick part” in their lives. He told police he was unaware that he even made the “silly, veiny” mistake until he was arrested, and claims if his daughter came to him first he could have explained the gaffe.

“It was just a mix-up. This kind of thing happens all the time, really. I mean, my wife divorced me because she found a whole cache of images I had mistakenly texted to my secretary when I meant to text them to her. They had the same name, though, so it was really not my fault. That’s what happened here, too – my daughter’s name is Kelly, and the woman I am seeing is also named Kelly, so it was really just a mistake. A simple boner, if you will,” said Osborne. “It’s really my bitch ex-wife’s fault that everything is just getting so damn hard for me now.”

“This will teach him to take dick pics for every tramp he meets,” said Osborne’s ex-wife, Nancy. “Sadly, we’re going to be paying for Kelly’s therapy for quite some time. I don’t think she’s bound to just get over this any time soon. Hopefully this will teach the bastard to stick to taking pictures of his meals for Instagram, and not that sad excuse for a penis.”

Local police say that “insext” crimes are looked at just as seriously as actual incest crimes, and that this is the 34th case they’ve had of a parent texting images of their genitals to their children this month.

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”

Man Has Glass Bong Slide Removed from Urethra

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Don’t let your half-baked idea land you in the hospital. Mica Dorsey required emergency surgery to remove glass that had broken off in his urethra.

The man admitted to it was not the first time he engaged in “urethral play,” which is a fetish involving insertion of hard or soft objects into the urethra during masturbation. Dorsey’s object of choice was a glass bong slide.

After applying pressure to his shaft he felt a sharp pain followed by blood. Upon removing the glass tube he realized the end had shattered, and amazingly was able to drive himself to the hospital.

Although most people would be too ashamed to admit this publically, Dorsey talks openly about his experience. “People do a lot of shit behind closed doors, and I just want anyone thinking about doing this to know the dangers. I don’t want to see this happening to anyone else, and no I wasn’t even stoned, actually.”

Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Georgia –

29-year-old Paul Hunter now finds himself imprisoned after killing the family dog in a fit of rage. Paul says the dog got into his bedroom and chewed a binder full of rare Magic the Gathering Cards, worth thousands of dollars.

“Of course Shadow didn’t touch the binder full of more common rares. He went right for my foil Mox Ruby. I had a plateau, limited edition, Ancestral Recall. When I saw they were all chewed up, I just blacked out.”

Hunter’s stepfather, Matt Smith called police after tackling Hunter and prying a metal bat from hands.

“Sick kid was basing my dog’s brains out. I couldn’t believe it. I told his mother he needed to get the hell out of the house, but of course she couldn’t make him leave- or even get a steady job for that matter. He had delusions about going pro-nerd or something. Never was gonna happen.”

Hunter explains his actions. “They were not just cards! It was not just some baseball collection. It was my future. I’ve won a bunch of tournaments at Spellbound. I was just waiting to win a qualifier, and I was going pro. Traveling the pro-circle was going to be my career. I was going to see the world. With Magic you gotta pay to play, though, so without those cards in my arsenal, I was screwed.”

Hunter now finds himself even more screwed, facing up to two years in prison, without a soft place to land whenever he does get out. Stepfather, Matt says, “No way that psycho’s coming back into my house after this one. He’s lucky his mother even comes to visit him.”

Supreme Court Rules Men Will Have Sole Decision In Termination of Pregnancy

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark ruling, supreme court Judge Joe Bornstein has stated that in instances of pregnancy, the baby’s father will have the sole decision making abilities on the right to abort.

“Science and studies have shown that men are the better decision makers, especially under times of heavy duress. I don’t know of a time of more duress in a person’s life than an unplanned pregnancy,” said Bornstein. “It is because of these issues that I rule that in instances of unplanned pregnancy, the father will have the sole decision making responsibilities on whether or not to terminate.”

Naturally, many people, especially uppity feminists, were extremely upset at the court’s decision.

“This is an outrage! It’s a crime against women! Help, I’m being raped by the government!” said Nicole Mosier, 26, who is a self-proclaimed feminist. “These judges, these men in robes, they bang their little gavels like they bang their little dicks, and they think they have control over me? They think they have control over any woman? Let’s see them tell me whether or not my rapist has control over whether or not I abort his baby. What will they do then?!”

According to Bornstein, he is unfazed by the comments made by the emerging feminist party, who are calling for his literal balls on a platter.

“In time, they will learn that this is a man’s world, run by men, controlled by men. Women have their places, yes. Women can do many things a man can do, yes. But the one thing she definitely cannot do is make decisions for her own body, health, or the body and health of a possibly unwanted baby.”

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves ‘Wonder Woman’ Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Film director Michelle MacLaren has reportedly parted ways with the studio over creative differences on the film Wonder Woman. As the studio scrambles to find another director to replace her, executives at Marvel say they are ‘so glad’ that they can put a man at the helm now.

“Basically, what’s happened is that we’ve shown that a woman cannot handle a film of this magnitude, with a character this iconic,” said a Marvel executive, speaking anoymously. “We always wanted a man to be in place as director, because – well, men can do this job, and women can’t. Which should be obvious by the extremely small list of female directors that there are period, let alone the number who have successful careers or Oscar wins.”

According to insider reports, the studio is hoping to be able to get someone for ‘cheap money,’ but that can accomplish the job in the ‘way that they wish.’ Names that have been thrown around so far include indie horror director David Robert Miller, whose current film It Follows is generating tons of buzz, as well as former directing superstar Spike Lee.

“The problem with those guys, though, is really just a matter of preference. Miller could do it, but he’s hot right now, It Follows is destroying critic expectations and is making huge money on a nothing budget – so he could ask for more money than we feel like paying,” said the executive. “Spike Lee – well, he’s a guy, yeah, and that’s what we want, but he’s also a little ‘too black,’ if you know what I mean. I mean I’m cool with black people, but he’s like, extra black. And his movies, they sound a little too ethnic for a comic book movie.”

Until the film has another director, production will presumably be put on hold. The film is not slated for release until 2017.

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

‘World’s Sexiest’ OBGYN Has 15-Month Long Waiting List For Patients

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut –

When Richard Greer played Dr. Sullivan Travis in the movie “Dr T. and his Women” most of American begrudgingly played along with the premise of a devastatingly handsome OBGYN with intelligence and wit. In Bridgeport, Connecticut, however, that premise has become all too real for one female health specialist.

Richard Mendleson, MD has seen a steady incline in his clientele over the last four years since graduating from medical school. And it is not hard to figure out why when one catches a glimpse of the Doctor either in or out of the office. He is, to put it frankly, a perfect mix of masculine strength and soft features to make a majority of women swoon with his very presence.

The force of the doctor’s good looks has now caused a logistical problem at his practice, where a 456 day waiting list has built up. His secretary, Madeline Whistleton, is often frantically working to keep up with keeping patients in line and waiting.

“I deal with a long list of insane actions,” said Whistleton. “I have women pretending to be other patients. Girls sneaking through the back. I’ve had men come in dressed as their wives just to see the doctor.”

To Mendleson, this is nothing new, and something he has come to expect and accept.

“It is something I have dealt with ever since graduate school during my internships,” said Mendelson. During the conversation, the doctor’s phone continued to ring, while live emails piled up at an alarming rate.

“It can sometimes get in the way of my practice. My top concern is the care of the local women in the area. But I have started to receive so many requests for high-paying offers from women coming in across state lines, you have to try to accommodate as many as possible, without sacrificing the care of those in your county.”

When reached for comment more than half of the patients responded with a flurry of semi-intelligible gushing reviews mixed with guttural groans. The other half refused to comment and asked their identities not be given, as they did not wish their husbands to know that they were seeing Dr. Mendelson.

Lottery Officials Say Homeless Texas Man Winner Of $500M Powerball Jackpot

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

A homeless man, identified as 63-year-old Harry Mills has reportedly won the $500 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery game, one of the largest jackpots in the history of the tickets.

According to game officials, Mills turned in the ticket in Austin at the lottery offices early Thursday morning.

“At first, we thought another random bum had wandered in, thinking we were a bar, or looking to wash himself in our bathroom sink, but Mr. Mills came in and walked right over to our secretary, Jane, and said ‘I’ve won, and I want the money!'”

Mills said that he did not purchase the winning ticket, and like most of his possessions, it was found in the garbage on the streets of Austin.

“Yup, found it just sitting in a stack of newspapers and rags on Tuesday night,” said Mills. “At first I almost put it into my pile of ‘things to use as toilet paper,’ but the I noticed the date, and that it hadn’t been drawn yet. I figured it would be wise to at least wait until the pick the numbers, and then I could wipe my ass with it.”

Fortunately for Mills, he held onto the ticket, and according to lottery officials, he is entitled to the money.

“Where someone gets a winning ticket is not our concern, unless a crime was reported in the process of obtaining, such as an armed robbery,” said lottery spokesperson Joan Allan. “Because this ticket was simply lost or discarded, Mr. Mills is entitled to the winnings.”

“This means a whole better life for me,” said Mills. “I can move out of my box in the alley off 3rd street, and I can get a bigger box off of 9th and Broadway. I don’t have a bank account, so I guess I’ll just get one of those big bags with the giant money symbol on it, and I’ll put it in my shopping cart. But oh, I’m definitely getting a new one of those, too! God, this is the greatest thing that’s happened to me since I took up drinking!”