Man Who Died While Showering Not Found For 3 Days

Posted on December 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

It wasn’t until the repairman came about the furnace that a 32-year-old man was discovered dead in his shower. The water had been running, exhausting the hot water in the apartment building, and after his neighbors complained the maintenance man and landlord discovered the cause.

The landlord, Fred Willette, and the repairman, George Glass, both said something smelled foul when they entered the apartment, which they initially thought was garbage.

“It got stronger once we got to the bathroom. Almost threw up when I pulled back that shower curtain at the sight of a naked man,” said Glass.

“Our first priority was restoring hot water to the apartment complex, because we had a lot of complaints, and I don’t want to be known as a slumlord,” said Willette. “So we shut off his water. We then called the police to report his grotesque, water-bloated body.”

Autopsy reports have yet to be released, but building supervisor says the man’s apartment was littered with empty beer bottles and cans, which may explain why he lost consciousness in the shower.

“Guy must’ve just fell asleep drunk, ended up drowning in the shower. Place was a real dump. Littered with Star Wars crap and Magic cards,” said Willette. “Seems like the guy must not have had much to live for. Always paid his rent on time though. We’ll miss him for that reason.”

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

30-Year-Old Man With Perpetual Baby Face Is Father To Newborn Son With Creepy, Adult Man Face

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Frankie Clemons, 30, has a rare condition that makes his face appear to be an infant’s. It’s something that he has learned to deal with over the course of his life, answering many questions about it along the way, as he gets stares and gawks while walking down the street.

The stares may begin to double, though, as Clemons’ newborn son, Joey, has the exact opposite problem.

“Joey was born with a similar condition to mine, in that his face is that of a full-grown, adult man,” said Clemons. “My issue is that my face looks like it did when I was a baby, and it never changed. I’m used to it, but I was really hoping that it would not be passed to my son. My wife is a ‘normal,’ so I was really anticipating Joey being normal as well.”

Doctors say they are baffled as to why Frankie and his son both have such a rare, untreatable condition.

“They’ve never been able to figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me, so I assume that they’ll have the same issues with Joey,” said Clemons. “I’ve considered plastic surgery, but honestly, the doctors have told me straight-out they’d have no idea where to begin. I’m happy, though. I’ve got a great wife, and a new son, and we’re doing fine. We’re healthy, it’s just how we look. Frankly, there are lot more ugly looking people out there than us. So I’m a babyface, what’s the big deal?”

Morgan Freeman Reportedly Transitioning To Female, Changing Name To Morgan Freewoman

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Actor Morgan Freeman, best known for being the black guy in every film ever made, has reportedly come out as transgendered, and has been seen dressing as a woman while out and about in Los Angeles.

“I can’t take it seriously, I just can’t,” said an onlooker at La Fete, a famous Hollywood lounge. “I saw Morgan Freeman walk in, and he’s wearing a blonde wig and bright purple eyeshadow. It was ridiculous. I know I should be more respectful – it was hard enough not laughing hysterically the first time I saw Bruce Jenner walking down the street in pumps, but this was just a new level of absurd.”

Freeman was reached out to be media outlets, and he confirmed that yes, he had been dressing as a woman.

“I’ve been dressing this way for many, many years, but it was only when I saw how brave Caitlyn Jenner was that I was able to be brave, too,” said Freeman. “I would like it very much if people could respect my wishes, though, and now refer to me as Morgan Freewoman.”

“I mean, I think Caitlyn Jenner is a piece of shit who should be in jail for her part in, you know, killing someone,” said one of Morgan Freewoman’s fans, Joe Goldsmith. “She, he, whatever, can go straight to hell. Bigoted bitch. Morgan Freewoman, on the other hand, is a beautiful, and respectful person who deserves to be able to have some privacy during this time.”

Ellen DeGeneres Reportedly Leaves Wife Portia de Rossi For A Man

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an extremely shocking move, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, one of the most ‘celebrated’ members of the LGBQT community in Hollywood, has announced publicly that she is leaving wife of 8 years Portia de Rossi. The shocking information comes hot on the heels of leaked photos of the public figure out and about in Hollywood with a new beau who, curiously, is a man.

“It is true that Portia and I are parting ways, although we remain extremely close friends,” said Ellen on her talk show last week. “I would love to keep my private life, well, private, as I did for many years, but I know that will not happen, because people are obsessed with the love lives of people they don’t know. Especially if that love life involves hot lesbian action.”

As for the man who paparazzi have photographed on multiple situations with DeGeneres, so far the star has remained mum on who it is.

“He is not a celebrity or anyone of note, and he is someone with whom I have been friends with for a long time,” said DeGeneres. “While this is all very new as far as a relationship is concerned, our love is definitely not new. He’s always been there for me, and I for him, even while I was with Portia. Now we are just taking that friendship to a new level. I mean, I have to see what all this penis fuss is all about, don’t I?”

Haunted House Owners Cover Up Man’s Death By Disguising Him As Prop

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A couple who run a haunted house in Marietta, Georgia are under arrest today after reportedly trying to hide the death of one of their customers.

Geoff March, 67, had apparently visited the haunted house 2 weeks ago by himself, when he suffered a major heart attack. The couple, Marlene and Joseph Rogers, allegedly dressed March in tattered clothes, and made him up to look like a zombie.

“It’s one of the most disturbing, odd crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Marietta police chief Joe Goldsmith. “They were not at fault. It was an accident. Mr. March had a history of heart problems, and he was scared to death. It’s tragic, but it wasn’t a crime.”

According to Goldsmith, the Rogers couple assumed they would be held liable, and didn’t want to face charges.

“We had no idea he had previous heart problems,” said Joseph Rogers. “We thought we literally scared this man to death, and it was our fault. I panicked, and I talked Marlene into helping me dress him up like a zombie. None of our other patrons over the last couple weeks even noticed.”

Chief Goldsmith says that the couple were found out when March’s body began to smell badly, and customers complained.

“One of our deputies happened to go through the house on his night off, and he smelled death,” said Goldsmith. “When he confronted the Rogers, they burst into tears. They were taken into custody late last night.”

The Rogers are charged with concealing a deceased individual, a class C-felony. They face up to 2 years in prison.

Woman Has Husband’s Penis Stuffed By Taxidermist After Untimely Death

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Mary Lambert, 34, has reportedly had her deceased husband’s penis ‘stuffed’ by a professional taxidermist after he passed away last week from colon cancer.

Lambert says that her husband, Mark, who died last Monday, suffered for over 3 years from the disease, and that he gave her permission before he died to have his penis removed and taxidermied so that she could continue to enjoy it.

“My husband Mark and I were high school sweethearts, and neither of us was ever with anyone else sexually,” said Lambert. “I told Mark that I never wanted to be with anyone else after he was gone, and he jokingly said maybe we should have his penis stuffed for me for ‘later use.’ After he got sick, the discussion became less of a joke, and more of a research game, trying to find a taxidermist who would do it.”

Lambert says that she was able to find a taxidermist in Texas who agreed to work with the penis, but because the law prohibits the taxidermy of humans, she has declined to say his or her name.

“All I will say is that they were very generous, and they agreed to perform the stuffing of Mark’s penis for free, knowing that it was for a grieving widow,” said Lambert. “I am just very glad that I do not have to go without now that Mark has passed, and I know that he is smiling down at me from Heaven when he watches my pleasure myself with his detached penis.”

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

New Male Pregnancy Test Can Inform Men If Woman They Slept With Is Pregnant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A new test by the makers of the First Response pregnancy test, which promises women that they can find out “6 days sooner” than other leading pregnancy tests, has just launched their new product line, the Male-Response Pregnancy Test, which can actually tell a man if the woman he slept with has gotten pregnant.

“Our new line of tests is the most advanced in the world,” said company spokeswoman Jeanne Curtis. “Normally, a pregnancy test can only tell a woman if she is pregnant within a day or two of a missed period. We know that’s not good enough for the guy who likes to raw-dog it with a one-night stand. So we invented a new test for men. The man just has to urinate onto the stick first thing in the morning following sexual intercourse, and the test will let him know if he did, indeed, ruin his life the previous night.”

According to lab technicians, the new test works in a unique way. They claim that a man who has sex with a woman who he has gotten pregnant picks up some of her hormones through his penis, and they are stored in his urethra. During his morning bathroom stop, those hormones are released onto the stick, and he can tell – probably even before the woman – if she has gotten pregnant.

“When a woman pees on our stick, it has to be a few days after a missed period to actually be accurate,” said Curtis. “Not the case with the Male-Response stick. These new tests will tell a man within 24-hours if he has impregnated a woman, giving him ample time to flee the country, change his name, and disappear.”

The new product is set to launch nationwide in October. No word from the developers if multiple tests would be needed for orgies or swinging parties. In the meantime, men are urged to wear a condom when having sex, or at least pull out and aim for her face.

Man Sells Heart To Pay Rent

Posted on July 19, 2015 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio-

A local resident of Cleveland has passed away today after responding to a strange Craigslist post months ago. The post has recently been taking down by police, but they report they have a man in custody they believe is tied to the death of James Grace, 27.

According to police reports, approximately six months ago, Grace responded to a Craigslist ad claiming to pay top dollar for a human heart. Long, detailed emails transpired, and police were led to question the ad’s poster, Henry James. In his emails, James explains that he would pay $750 for Grace’s heart. In the correspondence, Grace asked several times if the procedure was safe, and claimed he needed the money to make rent that month.

Grace was found dead in his on apartment, with a large scar that had been stitched up over his rib cage. James is in custody, but lawyers are claiming that the entire ad was obviously a gag, and that Grace was just a “goddamned idiot.”

“Mr. Grace cut out his own heart, and even managed to stitch himself back up a bit before he died,” said Bill S. Preston, Esq., James’ attorney. “Frankly, it is a medical marvel that he was able to do that. I guess it was like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and they run around for a bit. Anyway, Mr. Grace was clearly retarded, in that he thought he might be able to live without his heart. Sorry, but that’s just not our fucking problem. Case closed.”

Currently, James is being held in the Cleveland County jail. He is being held on $20,000 bail. His lawyer says that he will place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell their body parts and donate the money to their legal fund.