Robert Englund Signs On To Reprise Role as Freddy In ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’ Reboot

Posted on August 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The internet has been abuzz this week with news of New Line Cinema’s reboot of the famous Nightmare on Elm Street series, but one common thread among fans was that they desperately wanted to see horror icon Robert Englund return to reprise the role. According to reports coming directly from New Line Cinema, there is reason for fans to rejoice. Englund has reportedly signed on for a 3-picture deal to return to the silver screen as Freddy Krueger.

“We are so glad that Robert will be back to play Freddy,” said New Line CEO Bob Whomever. “In 2010, we made a new Nightmare film starring someone…I don’t even remember who, but the gist is, fans hated it. They hated him, and they wanted Robert back behind the makeup. Thankfully, that’s not even necessary anymore, as Robert is pushing 80 or whatever, and frankly, he looks just like Kruger did even without the makeup. It’s going to be great.”

Fans have already been rabidly posting to social media websites to show their support for New Line’s wise decision in bringing back their star.

“Frankly, I was pretty well bullshit when I saw that they were rebooting the series again,” said horror fan Ricky Shore. “I mean, the remake sucked, and it is best left forgotten. Technically speaking, even the original isn’t that great, but I have fond memories of it, and I don’t need it to be ruined by Hollywood. They’ve fucked up enough of my childhood, thank you very much.”

In a year filled with sequels, reboots, re-hashings, spin-offs, prequels, and TV shows turned cinema staples, it’s no wonder that New Line is cashing in on the only franchise to over make them real studio money.

“We are so excited to get underway with this project,” said Whomever. “We don’t have a script or a story idea or any of that, but it really doesn’t matter. Wes [Craven] isn’t coming back anyway, and he was the real voice of this series, so we’re just going to pump out some shit, and we know you’ll go see it, and we thank you in advance for it.”

“Frankly, I’m just glad to be doing a film that won’t go straight to DVD,” said Englund, 68. “Its been really hard for me to shake my legacy, to ditch that Freddy character. I’ve done hundreds of films, and they’ve all been pretty well useless, except for this series. Thank God for Nightmare, really. It’s kept me feeling important and useful for all these years, and the fans are just perfect. Here’s hoping that we don’t fuck this up, but if we do, blame New Line. It was there stupid idea in the first place.”

Several Movie Theaters Begin Showing TV Broadcasts To Boost Revenue

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In hopes of competing with the growing trend of watching movies and TV at home via streaming services and DVDs, several small, independent movie theatres are now trying a drastic change in programming to get people through the door.

“Yup, we’re airing TV shows now every day during the day,” said theater owner Marlon Jones of Los Angeles. “It used to be that we packed the auditoriums every night, especially on weekends, and we made tons of money. Now it seems people would rather stay home and watch TV shows or Netflix series. We need to change with the times.”

Jones says he decided to start showing TV series and Netflix originals a few months ago, and his first go-round was with Daredevil, the new series that was just released to Netflix.

“We had tons of people flocking in to watch that on the big screen,” said Jones. “That show is very impressive, and no doubt plenty of people watched it at home on their big screens, but it’s nothing like seeing it on a screen of this size.”

Jones says that he is preparing to exhibit other programs as well, including daytime talk shows and TV soaps.

“I know it will be weird seeing Ellen on the big screen again, since she hasn’t made a movie in 20 years, but it will also be fun,” said Jones. “I’ll get all the old biddies in here to watch Ellen or The View or whatever. They’ll pay for it, no doubt about it. It’s the experience, after all.”

Jones says that he will continue to air these TV shows in his theater until he is told to stop by the networks.

“Oh, I definitely didn’t ask for permission. God no. They’d want money, and they don’t need it. I need it. It’s all for the greater good,” said Jones.

Marvel Having Hard Time Finding Good Quote About ‘Avengers’ For Marketing Materials

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Normally after a massive launch of a new film, the studio will find critics or reviewers who have said good things about their film, and use quotes to further market their movie. It is not uncommon to see new TV spots featuring these quotes, such as “AMAZING! – says New York Times” during prominent primetime viewing hours, urging people to see the movie.

According to an anonymous insider, though, Marvel Entertainment is having a very difficult time finding any positive reviews to use in new marketing for Avengers: Age of Ultron.

“Normally, we’d have at least one critic who said it was ‘Awesome’ or ‘Amazing’ or whatever other generic adjective, and we could put that in a new TV ad or on some new posters, but we can’t find anyone who likes this movie,” said the anonymous source. “All the major reviews are coming in, and they’re all pretty blah. It’s not going to look very good if a new TV ad comes out, and it says ‘Go see Age of Ultron – It’s okay!”

Marvel has not commented publicly on the fact that they have no good reviews of their film, but many fans have noticed that there may be something up.

“Normally I drive by this giant billboard on the way to work, and there’s always an ad for the latest movie,” said Chicago resident Mario Levi. “Today there was an Avengers ad, but instead of the normal critics reviews, it just said ‘THE MOVIE WAS SO COOL! – @AvengersLover on Twitter.’ I don’t know who that is, but I’m guess he’s not a famous critic. I think I’ll save my fifteen bucks and watch it on Netflix in a couple months.”

Avengers: Age of Ultron opened in theatres May 1st, and is expected to have decent box office returns, without coming anywhere near the level of the first film.

‘Fast And Furious 8’ To Feature Entirely CGI-Created Paul Walker

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

After bringing in over $200 million in domestic box office grosses in just over 2 weeks, and over a billion dollars worldwide, it was a no-brainer that the Fast and Furious franchise would continue after the success of the latest film, Furious 7. The movie, released April 3rd, marked the final installment in the series for Paul Walker, who played ex-police officer Brian O’Conner, when he died during filming of the movie in November of 2013.

The latest film gives a peaceful and loving tribute to the man who, by all accounts, was as much a loving family man off-screen as he was on. The ending of the movie has caused fans to shed more than a few tears, and that’s why it was with great amazement and surprise that the studio announced that the as-yet-untitled 8th film in the series, was set to star Paul Walker again – this time in a completely CGI-created way.

“Paul died during the filming of the seventh film, and we were able to finish his scenes using stand-ins with CGI-matted faces and voices taken from previous and other films,” said film producer Joe Goldsmith. “When we saw how great it came out, it became obvious that we could keep Paul alive in the next movie, via complete CGI.”

Many fans are saying that they think it’s a great idea, and that it will be nice to see Walker in another film, despite his untimely death.

“I think it’s an awesome idea,” said one fan on Twitter, who goes by the name @FaFFan4Eva. “I love Paul, and I’m glad he continue on. Vin Diesel says Paul always wanted at least 8 movies, so now there can be one! Also, now we can get other dead stars back in movies, too!”

Although no script has been written and no official announcement made for initial filming, producers are confident that the next Fast film will be the biggest yet.

“If you thought people came in droves to see our goodbye to Paul,” said Goldsmith. “just wait until you see them show up for his resurrection!”

Charlie Sheen Duped By Horror Film Again! Turns ‘Snuff Movie’ Over To FBI

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

History is apparently repeating itself for Charlie Sheen. In 1991, the world-famous actor came into possession of a now-popular underground horror film from Japan titled Guinea Pig. The movie, which is graphically violent, depicts acts so real, that the actor believed that he was watching an actual snuff film, with people actually being killed on screen. He turned the film over to the FBI, who after an investigation probably had a good laugh at all the wasted tax dollars once they found out it was staged.

This year, a new version of the film, titled American Guinea Pig, was released after a successful crowdfunding campaign on Indiegogo.com. The new movie, which also features extreme scenes of violence, is set up, as was the original, to appear to be a real snuff film. The movie’s creators – one of whom is a special effects professional who has worked on many films over a long, successful career – purposely made the movie look as realistic as possible to appease a strong following of gore-hound fans.

According to reports, Charlie Sheen was given a burned, ‘bootleg’ copy of the movie on DVD, and was told that it was something real and “very underground.” After watching the film, Sheen reportedly turned the copy over to the FBI, again telling them he believed that he had found a real snuff movie, and that they should investigate.

Thankfully for the filmmakers, FBI investigation has come a long way since 1991, and a quick Google search revealed an IMDb page, crowdfunding campaign, and still images of the movie online. They informed Sheen that he had, once again, been fooled.

“Basically at this point, we are no longer going to be accepting any movies or leads on snuff films from Charlie Sheen,” said FBI director Marshall Givens. “He has proven to us that he cannot tell a movie from real life, and wasted our time, again, on a horror movie. Granted, American Guinea Pig was gory, but come on – it was awesome. Actually, the whole office got together after [Sheen] sent it to us, and we watched it, and we had a great time. Those gore effects were unbelievable. Obviously, there are no real snuff films, or we’d have found them by now. Unless you count Sheen in Terminal Velocity. Now that is some messed up stuff!”

“In 1991 Charlie Sheen was admittedly high as a kite on what he’s said was pounds of pure cocaine, ‘7-gram rocks,’ as he put it – which would be enough to kill a whale. A whale with a serious cocaine problem,” said special investigator on the case, Mark Belson. “Reportedly clean now, we did take his word that it was a real snuff movie this time, but no – he’s still getting easily duped by very realistic special effects and fake blood. Real blood, that is – not tiger’s blood.”

FBI investigators say that the creators of American Guinea Pig will, of course, face no charges for their film.

Will Ferrell Apologizes For Making So Many Unwatchable Movies

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Will Ferrell, best known for making completely horrendous comedies that, somehow, do ridiculous box office numbers, recently apologized publicly for his string of just straight unwatchable films.

“I know that I’ve yet to make a really great, unforgettable movie, and I’m sorry for that,” said Ferrell to the Hollywood Outsider Magazine. “It’s hard pretending to be funny all the time. I constantly have to surround myself with great comedy writers and an amazing supporting cast. I want people to leave one of my worthless movies and think it was hilarious. I’m trying, but I know I’m failing hard. I wish I could do more, but so far, it’s just been mediocre luck.”

Ferrell’s most recent movie, Get Hard, co-starring comedian Kevin Hart, has been ripped apart by critics for being racist, homophobic, and worst of all, totally unfunny.

“It’s hard to make a really great movie when you’re just showing up and obviously phoning it in,” said film reviewer Mark Lipson of FilmOnFire.gov. “Ferrell says he tries so hard for the laughs, but you wouldn’t know it watching him, as every movie he just plays dumb schlock after dumb schlock, and you feel no pity for him whatsoever. I was hoping he’d end up in prison during Get Hard, so at least the movie might just end.”

Ferrell says that he plans to try and make more “good” movies, with actual acting and stories, which he says he’s come close to doing previously with movies like Everything Must Go and Stranger Than Fiction.

“I made a couple black comedies, dramas,” said Ferrell. “They were box office bombs, but at least I could stretch my acting legs a bit, and show off that I could do more than play an unlikeable moron. I hope to do more good movies down the road.”

Ferrell says that he also plans to be nicer to fans, and perhaps become more friendly when they approach him for pictures or signatures. According to Autograph Magazine, which ranks celebrities on their level of approachability for fans and autograph seekers, Ferrell consistently ranks on their “worst” list, despite being someone that most fans seem to think would be nice because of his doltish roles.

“He mocks people, taunts and embarrasses them when they ask for autographs,” says Autograph Magazine.

“Yeah, I guess I should try and care about fans a bit more, too,” said Ferrell. “After all, they’re the ones who for some reason keep paying money to see my movies. They’re the ones who’ve afforded me a nice house and a driveway full of Prisuses. I am sorry for not living up to the fans’ expectations on any level.”

Center for Disease Control Reports ‘Zombie Movie’ Virus Finally Declining

Posted on March 24, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After years of the uncontrollable so-called “Zombie Movie” virus infecting nearly the entire world, the CDC (Center for Disease Control) released a statement saying it has run its course and is beginning to fade away.

“This disease is deadly because it grows so quickly,” a representative said. “Companies make zombie movies and people eat them up. Those people bring their friends into the mix, who then bring their friends, and so-on.”

Especially with the rise of superhero movies, adaptations of fairy tales, and indie films, the zombie movie genre is expected to reach its pre-millennium state of about one movie per year, down from twelve. The CDC warns, however, that the nature of the virus is deceptive.

“It could surge back at any time. All it takes is one infectious movie and the entire industry will turn into a horde of genre-milking mindless zombies once again.”

A similar outbreak occurred in the past with the Vampire Movie Virus, although society as a whole was able to completely stop its self-sustaining spread thanks to the Twilight series.

The CDC shared a list of four ways to prepare for the inevitable return of the virus:

Unboard your windows. Keeping yourself locked inside with the deadly “Netflix” agitator could lead to multiple viewings of zombie flicks.
Diversify your interests. CDC recommends purchasing a Kindle and at least branching out to 50 Shades of Grey, preferably going as far as reading something educational.
Avoid other zombies. If you know someone who is a zombie-buff, stay away from them for at least 30 days to rebuild your immunity.
And finally, check out some media from your parents’ generation, but beware that prolonged exposure to modern entertainment may degrade one’s ability to appreciate quality films.

Experts say with proper care and quick handling of outbreaks, zombie movies may all but disappear by 2018.

New Film Features Crossover Between ‘The Hangover,’ ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’

Posted on March 23, 2015 by Justin Birch

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It’s a crossover that no one expected but everyone is raving about – ‘The Hangover,’ directed by Todd Phillips, and ‘Nightmare on Elm Street,’ directed by Wes Craven, come together as the two great minds collaborate on ‘Hangover on Elm Street.’

Canonically, the film is removed from both preceding series, meaning it is meant to be taken as an entirely standalone story. Familiar faces from both films are expected to appear: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifinakis, and Justin Bartha, as well as the legendary and the apparently immortal Robert Englund, better known as Freddy Krueger, whose career has shown no signs of slowing since 1974.

While not many details have been leaked, as the film is still in the midst of production, the plot appears to lean heavily toward the horror original. It may involve just about everyone passing out drunk after an epic bachelor party, and falling victim to Krueger’s claws in an almost satirically cheesy manner similar to the original ‘Nightmare on Elm Street.’ Ken Jeong as Mr. Chow is expected to make an appearance, doing something racist and drug related, and then promptly dying.

In order to attract the greatest male audience, most of the female roles have been re-casted with much younger actresses. Craven and Phillips fully intend to imbue the same or better sexual content in the new film.

Initial responses to the film have been varied, some citing it as a possible “bad sequel” to the legendary classic art film and the lesser but still noteworthy horror flick. The idea seems to be warming, though, as fans from both sides realize that compared to most recent films, it would take serious effort for this to look like anything other than gold.

Somali Pirate Sues Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The ACLU representing a Somali pirate filed a lawsuit today against Sony Pictures, claiming that their client, Abduwali Muse, never gave his permission for his story to be told in movie, and has never received compensation. Captain Phillips was Sony Pictures 2013 hit, grossing over $218 billion worldwide.

“How can the American Civil Liberties Union represent a Somali pirate, you ask? The answer is easy – he is being held in a U.S. prison,” said ACLU Lawyer Adam Aarons. “Mr Abduwali Muse, who the story ‘Captain Phillips’ is based on, is serving a 33 year sentence here in the United States. I’ve taken this case on because my client has not seen one dime of the profits of a movie which essentially tells his life story. Corporations need to be taught you can not walk all over the little people. We are asking for $100 million dollars, which upon winning, the ACLU will hold for Muse until he is done serving his 33 year sentence – minus our large cut, of course.”

“The ACLU won’t be happy until they destroy America,” said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. ”They take on the most stupid, inane cases possible. The will do anything for a buck, but this is their lowest moment, representing a murderous pirate against a film studio that, frankly, has had to endure enough these last few months.”

Sony has recently dealt with controversy of their own, after hacked emails leaked detailing sensitive conversations between executives, as well as a threat against the United States being lobbied by North Korea over the studio’s film The Interview.

“I’m not sure who the ACLU is, really. I only signed the papers because they promised me money in my commissary to buy candy bars and gum,” said Abduwali Muse from inside his prison cell. ”I don’t want to upset anyone, I’m in jail because I’ve done horrible things. I feel guilty because they treat me so well – American Jail is nicer than my village. If you see the ACLU tell them I’m waiting for my candy.”

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy ‘Racist, Old White Folks’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The February 22nd Academy Awards will have a new category this year, announced very late in the awards season. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has given into pressure from Hollywood insider groups, and will be adding a ‘Best Black Actor’ awards.

“This years nominees for Best Black Actor are going to be Ice Cube for Ride Along, Tyler Perry for The Single Mom’s Club, Marlon Wayons for A Haunted House 2 and Jamie Foxx for Annie,” said Academy Chairman Adam Horowitz. ”None of these movies deserve any awards in the slightest, but the Academy does not want to be viewed as ‘racist’ by only nominating white movies and white actors. We’d rather give away an award to someone undeserving that risk riots and looting from any angry blacks watching.”

“I personally picked the nominees, those guys crack me up,” said Reverend Al Sharpton. “This year, they only had time to add in the one award last minute. The good news is, next year there will be 25 additional Black awards, bringing the ceremony to an approximate 6 hours. I feel it’s important to have separate categories, because if everyone was treated equally all the time, I wouldn’t have a job.”

“Aren’t we all just people, can’t we be judge equally?” asked film critic Carmine Classi. ”So there weren’t any great black actors or black movies this year – it happens. With this bullshit happening, I think it’s clear the only racism left in America is the racism Al Sharpton creates.”

“The Academy have always just been racist, old white folks,” said NAACP member Jeremiah Rogers. “Al Sharpton thinks that he’s adding something to the ceremony, but really, he’s segregating it. To be honest, most African-Americans want nothing to do with Al Friggin’ Sharpton. And we sure as hell want nothing to do with winning a ‘black award.'”