New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMDEN, New Jersey –

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Former Child Star Amanda Bynes Rushed To Hospital With Migraines – What Doctors Discover Is Unbelievable!

Posted on December 30, 2014 by DesireeAmber

THOUSAND OAKS, California –

Former Nickelodeon child actress Amanda Bynes was rushed to the Los Robles Regional Medical Center after complaining of severe migraines to her roommate and live-in boyfriend. Both stated that they had not seen her take any medications or drugs before the headaches began, but began acting in a ‘crazy, erratic’ manner.

“She was saying crazy, insane things,” said Bynes’ roommate, who wished to remain anonymous. “It was just like she was acting back in October, when she went off on Twitter talking about her dad sexually abusing her, and how her parents put a chip in her head to control her and make her say and do crazy things. Except this time, the behavior also came with these extreme headaches. We’re all so scared for her.”

Upon her assessment with hospital staff, doctors found that Bynes’ would try desperately to rip open the skin on her head, digging her nails into her scalp. When doctors were able to perform a CAT scan, they were shocked to discover a small, plastic, MicroSD card inserted into her scalp.

Bynes’ family released a statement following Amanda’s admittance to the hospital:

Amanda, our sweet daughter, is finally getting the help she needs. We as a family would only like our privacy in this sensitive time. We also would like to abolish any rumors, as we do not condone abusing or putting microchips in your children. Thank you.

After the families press release, Mary Boherh, a case manager for state of California’s Department of Health and Human Services was called by the hospital. She has stated that there was, indeed, a microchip found implanted inside Bynes’ head, and that it has since been removed. Ali Belair, a doctor at the facility where Bynes’ is being treated, said that Amanda is ‘doing extremely well,’ and she is expected to be released to an outpatient program within the next few weeks where she can continue being cared for and observed.

Police investigators are looking into the allegations that Bynes’ parents may have had her under a form of mind-control by implanting the chip inside her head.

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”

Pee-Wee Football Coach Encourages Fathers To Bully Their Sons, Says ‘It Will Make Them Better Athletes’

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Chip

APPLEFORD, Alabama –

Pee Wee football coach Rick Daggil is in hot water with his Appleford, Alabama community after allegations surfaced that he encouraging his players father’s to bully their sons in order to make them better athletes.

The allegations came to light early last week when Helen Wickerman, the mother of 11-year-old Bobby Wickerman, spoke out against the coach.

“My husband, Derek, was being exceptionally cruel to our son over the last 2 months, ever since he started playing football. Initially I thought my husband was just stressed out about work and taking it out on Bobby, but after awhile I realized there was a far more sinister unfolding. After Derek made Bobby take a 30 minute bath in ice water as punishment when he left his backpack on the living room floor, I knew something was seriously wrong.”

Upon confronting her husband about his abusive behavior, Helen discovered that Derek had been told to bully their son Bobby by Daggil. Derek stood by the advice he received from Coach Daggil, and told his wife “Coach Daggil has been shaping young boys into powerful men since I was a zygote. Who am I to question his direction?”

After receiving several complaints from concerned mothers, Coach Daggil decided to use the outlets he has available and conducted an interview with a local high school’s online news publication.

Within the exclusive interview, Coach Daggil defended his coaching techniques and methods by saying “you will not turn a soft boy into a man by coddling him – if parents want their sons to have any chance of playing pro-ball they need to stop treating them with love and get in their face. I can damn well guarantee you right now that Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Jonathan Dwyer, and all the other greats aren’t getting a pro paycheck because their parents loved them too much. If a little hazing hurts their son’s precious self-esteem, well then that little bastard was never going to make it to the NFL anyway.”

Upon reading coach Daggil’s interview, several parents are considering pulling their son’s from his team. One father said “It’s just such a tough decision. On one hand, Coach Daggil’s coaching may cause lifelong damage for my son; on the other hand it may be his ticket to playing on the Crimson Tide field – which may also cause serious damage to my son. After all, we know the risks football players have of getting head injuries. But my God, those sweet NFL paychecks would put me in the best nursing home in the world. Like I said, it’s really a tough decision to make.”

Several mothers in the community are currently petitioning the city to revoke Daggil’s position.

Chuck E. Cheese’s Plans Customer Background Checks To Deter Sex Offenders

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Chip

IRVING, Texas –

This morning the children’s entertainment franchise Chuck E. Cheese’s has announced their intention to deploy a new policy that will take effect January 2015. The company has decided it will require all customers to consent to a background check before entering their establishments. The company has said that if a potential guest shows up on the National Sex Offender Registry, they will be prohibited from entering the business.

Shortly after the official announcement, Morty Archibald, a Chuck E. Cheese’s General Manager and company spokesperson told the media that he expects the new policy to be the biggest win the company has seen in decades.

Archibald said “Look, it’s no secret; our net worth has drastically decreased since the 1980’s, primarily due to the perception that our business fosters an environment that attracts pedophiles and sex offenders that are just itching to snatch a kid, and partly due to the fact that we’re an arcade, which no one really cares about anymore.”

“If I’m being completely honest,” continued Archibald, “I’ve seen the parents that bring their kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s and I am of the belief that many of these kids would probably be better off with the child molesters and pedophiles. God, these parents are horrible sometimes. Most of them drink for hours straight, and then we let them drive these kids home. Why in the hell do we even serve alcohol?! Anyway, unfortunately our patrons and shareholders just don’t see it the same was that I do.”

According to Chuck E. Cheese’s, guests should now expect a 60 – 90 minute wait before entering the building. The spokesperson said that they will have a ‘shack-like’ building in the parking lot in which an employee will run a background check and provide all guests that have passed the check with a colored wristband.

The company will be requiring an upfront $25 fee from all potential guests. They say the fee will be going towards the cost of checking the National Sex Offender Registry, however the fee has been a point of controversy as the mentioned registry is available online for free.

Archibald said that on top of the background checks, Chuck E. Cheese’s will also become a ‘loner-free’ zone.

“We are no longer going to be allowing adults without children into our buildings, regardless of the background check. Chuck E. Cheese’s sees absolutely no reason that any adult would want to come here without bringing a child. This is just another way to make sure we’re keeping the creeps out, and the families happy.”

In addition, employees will be able to deny potential guests entrance at their discretion, even if the guest passes the background check. Archibald said “We will be encouraging our employees to use their natural instincts to discriminate against customers. We honestly feel it’s better to offend several minorities than lose one child.”

Though many are welcoming the company’s new policy, others say it’s just a washed out company’s sad attempt to regain relevance while charging unnecessary fees.

38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

DURHAM, North Carolina –

David Jones, age 38, is in a heated court settlement this month and the case is raising eyebrows all over the nation. Jones is currently suing his parents, Mary and Jon Jones, but for something that most would agree they had no control over.

Jones has been in court trying to get a settlement for over a month, and it appears his lawyer is making a good case for him.

Late in September, Jones filed the lawsuit in a Durham court that blamed his parents for his very small penis. His defense is that it has caused him depression, anxiety, and problems finding a girlfriend or wife because of it. At age 10, David had a penis that was only 3 inches when erect, and he has confirmed that it has not grown since.

“I’m tired of this little boy’s penis,” said Jones in his court appearance. “I am ashamed of it. I just want to hide my face in sorrow. That’s why I’m suing my parents and making a giant, public spectacle over it, because I don’t want anyone to know how tiny my penis really is.”

Jones’ parents are in shock over the case, and are pleading to the judge that they had no control over the situation. Their claim is that although they wish that they could have provided David with his desired penis size, like a lot of things David wanted growing up, this is just one more thing they had no control over.

Jones parents have admitted that this is an issue he has been upset about since he was a child, but they continued to tell him that it would grow as he got older.

“He always wanted a bigger penis,” said Jon Jones, 61. “He saw me in the shower once by accident when he was about 7, and I think it’s given him emotional distress ever since. I mean, not to brag, but I’ve got more hose than a nervous fireman. If he’s got a baby penis, then those genes came from his mother’s side, not mine.”

“David’s parents have admitted he complained about his penis size, or lack thereof, non-stop growing up, but they did nothing about it. If he was begging for food and didn’t receive anything to eat, his parents would have behind bars years ago. That is the angle my client is taking, and I can tell that people are starting to see things in a different light,” said Jones’ lawyer Joseph Goldsmith.

If a settlement in the case can be reached, Jones has said he will undergo surgery to increase the size of his penis, both length and girth.

Kentucky Town Funds Private School With After-Hours Pole Dancing Classes

Posted on July 10, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

BARBOURVILLE, Kentucky –

Barbourville, KY is in one of the most financially strapped school districts in America. With most families having a median income well below the national poverty line, public schools in this district suffer greatly and so do the students. It’s hard to imagine that a private elementary school would pop up on the map in an area riddled with such economic despair, but despite the city’s money troubles, Beam Elementary, a private school for children in first through fifth grade, opened up its doors four years ago and is thriving in the small community. Originally the school was held in one single-wide trailer. Today, the school is much larger, and consists of 4 double-wide trailers plus the original single-wide.

Education is a major issue in today’s society. With wealthier communities comes better school districts, proven through higher test scores and the number of graduates these schools produce. The opposite holds true for poorer communities. Public schools receive local funding and a portion of property tax revenues, while private schools are privately funded through tuition and fundraising by the parents. It is a common belief that private schools offer better education to students than public schools can, but this isn’t always true. However, private schools tend to have greater amenities available to students. Private schools often employ higher paid teachers, and have smaller class sizes. These are just some of the contributing factors that may make a private education seem more advantageous than a public education.

“We want our children to have access to proper education. I want my child to have a chance at a good life, and to get the hell out of this poverty-stricken [expletive]-hole.” says Lindsay Fuller, a mother of eight, with two more on the way. Rightfully, she wants her children to have an opportunity to receive the best education around. Six of her children are enrolled at Beam Elementary.

With financing being an obvious hurdle, the mothers of the community gathered together to brainstorm a way to raise money for the school. What they came up with, though, has caused a divide in the community over the last few years. The majority of the school is financed through revenue raised from pole dancing classes held in the school cafeteria after classes end and on the weekends.

“This a privately funded school. I don’t see why we can’t have fun, learning how to show off our privates in order to fund it. These haters are just jealous ’cause our kids are gettin’ better educated then they’s kids.” states Brittany Dunes, a mother of 3 Beam school children, and an avid attender of the pole dancing classes.

Mary Bethlems, who has a son in the public school system, is on the opposing side of the argument. She expresses her concerns to anyone who will listen, often holding one-woman pickets outside Beam on nights when they are using it for the classes.

“It’s just not right. God says it’s not right. The Bible says it’s not right. These are God’s babies! We shouldn’t be teachin’ them in the same place where this devil nonsense is happenin’! What kind of example is this settin’? What kind of lessons are they bein’ taught?! I wonder…”

While school facilities are commonly used for exercise classes across the nation, this is the first in the country that has kept their doors open through funds in any way related to sexual activity.

“There aren’t really any laws in place that constitute what is allowed and what isn’t, I don’t think. I heard that pole dancin’ classes is really becomin’ a popular sport. I get the concerns people is havin’, but I also hear the need for better schoolin’ ’round here. And this is the best school we got.” Said Louise Ross, principal at Beam Elementary. “These kids, they need a good education, and if their moms be wantin’ to learn to take off they clothes and rub they selves all over that pole in order to give they kids the smarts they never had, then why would anyone care?