MURPHY, Delaware –
James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.
“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”
Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.
“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”
Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.
“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”
Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.
MIAMI, Florida –
Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.
“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”
When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.
“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”
Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.
“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”
MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –
After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.
“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”
Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.
“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”
CINCINNATI, Ohio –
John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.
Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.
Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”
Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
If you were planning on hitting the Big Apple tonight, you may need to make a change of plans. According to the FBI, they’ve had to force planners to cancel the ball dropping in Times Square, an event that has taken place for decades.
According to the reanimated corpse of Dick Clark, who has been hosting Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve for the last 90 years or so, the event normally goes off without a hitch, but this year, federal authorities were worried about issues arising from ISIS.
“I’ve been dead for a few years, so I’m not really up on this ISIS thing,” said the zombie Dick Clark. “Ryan Seacrest has been hosting this show for the last few years, and he tells me that since no one is really watching it anymore anyway, it’s not really a big loss that we won’t be doing it.”
Thousands of people had already gathered in New York City by the time of this writing, although police say they are working with the national guard to peacefully disperse the crowds.
CHICAGO, Illinois –
Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”
Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.
“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”
Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”
Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”
Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.
BALTIMORE, Maryland –
Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.
“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”
Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.
“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”
“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”
The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.
“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.
LOS ANGELES, California –
It wasn’t until the repairman came about the furnace that a 32-year-old man was discovered dead in his shower. The water had been running, exhausting the hot water in the apartment building, and after his neighbors complained the maintenance man and landlord discovered the cause.
The landlord, Fred Willette, and the repairman, George Glass, both said something smelled foul when they entered the apartment, which they initially thought was garbage.
“It got stronger once we got to the bathroom. Almost threw up when I pulled back that shower curtain at the sight of a naked man,” said Glass.
“Our first priority was restoring hot water to the apartment complex, because we had a lot of complaints, and I don’t want to be known as a slumlord,” said Willette. “So we shut off his water. We then called the police to report his grotesque, water-bloated body.”
Autopsy reports have yet to be released, but building supervisor says the man’s apartment was littered with empty beer bottles and cans, which may explain why he lost consciousness in the shower.
“Guy must’ve just fell asleep drunk, ended up drowning in the shower. Place was a real dump. Littered with Star Wars crap and Magic cards,” said Willette. “Seems like the guy must not have had much to live for. Always paid his rent on time though. We’ll miss him for that reason.”
CLEVELAND, Ohio –
A Cleveland mother, Sandy Cofax, said she was shocked to discover that her son’s prized toy, a stuffed animal that he lovingly calls Pillow Bear, was stuffed with over 2 pounds of heroin. The manufacturer, Pillow Pets, says that they definitely do not stuff their products with street drugs.
“I couldn’t believe it even when I saw it,” said Cofax. “I noticed Pillow Bear had a rip in him, and so I figured I’d stitch him up. But, he was getting a little limp, so I thought I’d throw some more stuffing in him as well. That’s when I got the shock of my life.”
Cofax says she immediately called the local police, as well as the Pillow Pets company.
“We have determined, in working with local police, that the pillow in question was not purchased new, and as such, we cannot control what others may have put inside our pets,” said company spokesman Stephen Slothe. “We have many, many children who go to sleep cuddling their Pillow Pets every night, and we can honestly say that less than 1% of them are probably stuffed with hard drugs.”
Police say that they have confiscated the drugs and Pillow Bear, but that they plan to return the animal once the investigation has concluded.
DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –
Katie Brown, a stupid bitch who posted a picture of her dog with his mouth duct taped shut, along with the caption “This is what happens when you don’t shut up!!!” was arrested by police after the photo went viral, being shared on Facebook over a quarter of a million times, and prompting thousands of calls to local Daytona Beach police.
“We investigated, and despite her claims that she only taped the dog’s mouth for ’60 seconds’ or some such bullshit, we decided that we hated her, and that swift justice is the best justice,” said an anonymous policeman on the Daytona force. “So we snagged her up, hog-tied her, and wrapped a full roll of duct tape around her dumb, animal abusing, cunt mouth.”
Upon hearing that police had gotten involved, the internet immediately forgot how much they normally hate cops, and gave them much praise.
“I am so glad that our boys in blue took it upon themselves to treat this disgusting, haggard-looking bitch a lesson,” said Facebook user Jerome Myers. “There are certain things you don’t do in this world, and that’s hurt an animal. That poor dog deserves better, and I hope that any and all animals have been removed from that wrinkled twat’s home.”
Most people readily agree that any and all punishment that Katie Brown receives will be, frankly, not enough.