Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

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trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

Planned Parenthood Facilities To Allow Staff To Carry Concealed Weapons After Latest Attack

shooter

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After the latest attack on a Planned Parenthood facility, the group’s spokesman has announced that they plan to allow employees and contractors to carry concealed weapons while they are working.

“Too many people are being gunned down at Planned Parenthood facilities, and it’s mostly because crazy white folks are shooting at us too damn often,” said Lashonda Jackson, spokesman for Planned Parenthood. “The funny thing is, they think we’re just about doing abortions or something. We’re literally called Planned Parenthood. What we do is in our damn name, for crying out loud. We’re not called Baby Abortions ‘R’ Us. Stop getting mad at us, white folks.”

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The latest shooter, who has been arrested by police, is white, although not a Republican, as most people naturally assumed.

“If I would have had to have taken a guess, I’d have said Republican for sure,” said Jackson. “A democrat or an independent normally isn’t crazy and stupid enough to just shoot pregnant women. Mostly because common sense would tell you that a pregnant woman’s baby can’t exactly live without said pregnant woman, so you’re kind of a moron and a hypocrite if you shoot up a planned parenthood facility. Morons filled with hypocrisy is the creed of the Republican party.”

Jackson says that because of all the shootings, employees will now be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Patrons are also encourage to carry.

“If you come into one of our facilities with plans to attack, we want to be prepared, and we want to show you exactly how prepared we are,” said Jackson. “The next crazy, white, Republican lunatic will think twice before shooting up a Planned Parenthood.”

Jeb Bush Looks To Reach Younger Voters By Legally Changing Name To Jeb Shaved

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Jeb Bush has been running his campaign based almost solely on his family name, following in the footsteps of his brother, George W., and father, George Bush, but seemingly failing to connect with younger voters.

“I think that too many people look at me, and they see my family, and although that’s okay, it’s not winning me any points lately,” said Jeb Bush. “In fact, I think having the Bush name is really becoming a hinderance in this race.”

Bush says that he thinks that his name is “too old fashioned,” and that a change is definitely in order.

“I am working with lawyers to have my name legally changed,” said Bush. “No longer will the Bush name be in my way. That name is old and dated. A relic of the 80s and 90s. From now on, I will go by the name Jeb Shaved, because that’s what the younger kids are about these days.”

There was no comment made by anyone else from the Bush family.

 

Donald Trump’s Secret Sex Tape Leaks To Internet

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

During one of the most bizarre campaign races of all time, Republican hairpiece Donald Trump has suffered a possible blow to his chances of becoming the next leader of the Free World. A sex tape, reportedly leaked by one of Trump’s aides, shows The Donald vigorously masturbating to his own reflection in a hotel mirror.

“Oh yeah, who’s going to be the president? WHO is going to BE the BEST DAMN PRESIDENT EVER?!” Trump asks himself in the tape, while winking and making odd faces at himself in what appears to be a Hilton hotel mirror. He also makes several racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, and talks tirelessly of money. The video, which is 87 minutes long, is thought to have been secretly recorded while Trump has been on the campaign trail.

“It’s the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Joe Goldsmith, a democrat from Utah. “I saw it floating around online last night, and curiosity got the better of me. You would think you wouldn’t want to see Donald Trump yanking on his old dick, but I tell you what, you’d be wrong. I may vote for the guy now just because it was so damn funny.”

According to Trump’s campaign staff, they have been working tirelessly to have the video removed from the numerous websites it appeared on late Saturday evening, but it has proved “almost fruitless.”

“Frankly, we just can’t catch up to all the places it is appearing,” said Trump campaign manager Mick Rogers. “I think at this point, we may just embrace it. I mean hell, who hasn’t jerked off to their own reflection once or twice, am I right?”

Trump is currently leading in the polls for the Republican party.

Trump Says After He’s Elected, He’ll Finally Rid World Of ‘Biggest Problem’

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has announced that when he is elected president next year, he will finally get rid of the problems that have been plaguing the entire world, and his sights are set on something very close to home: his toupée.

“I understand that my hair looks like a Troll doll, or a cat’s ass, or a hamster trying to escape a cage,” said Trump. “When I am elected next year…when I am elected…I will finally be removing my toupée, and I will be going bald.”

Trump says that he has decided to remove the hairpiece as a movement of solidarity – not only with bald men everywhere, but with the entire nation who has mocked and ridiculed him.

“The whole country has made jokes at my expense, and many of them revolved around my hair,” said Trump. “If I am going to fix this country, then I need to fix the joking, and so that means getting rid of this fake hair. There will never again be Hell Toupée after I’m elected.”

Former ‘Daily Show’ Host Jon Stewart Announces Presidential Run

jon stewart

LOS ANGELES, California – 

With Jon Stewart completing his Daily Show hosting duties earlier this summer, many people were asking what the comedian, 52, would do next in his career. Although in recent interviews, Stewart said that he wasn’t sure what his next move would be, apparently he had a secret he was keeping all along.

“I’m officially tossing my hat into the ring for a seat in the Oval Office in 2016,” said Stewart during a recent press conference. “I’ve been mocking politicians for almost 2 decades on my show, and now it’s time to show them that I don’t just follow their mistakes, I’m ready to right them as well.”

Most political analysts say that Stewart doesn’t hold a chance of getting a party’s nomination, but many voters seem to disagree.

“There is no one on this planet I would rather vote for than Jon Stewart,” said Twitter user DailyShowLuvr.

“Stewart is a God. Not the God, because he’s a Jew and all, but God, for sure, and I’d vote for him,” said Facebook user George Glass. “It’s about time we elected a non-Christian into the presidency, actually. Yeah, I’ll definitely vote for him.”

Stewart says that the has no idea what platform he’s going to campaign on, but that he’s well aware of where he stands on each and every issue.

“It’s the exact opposite of whatever Trump is about,” said Stewart.

Donald Trump Flip-Flops Stance, Says He Will ‘Open US Borders 100%’ If Elected

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a surprise change of pace for Donald Trump, the presidential candidate has announced that he’s “completely changed his mind” about immigration, and says that if he is elected president, he plans on opening the country’s borders to all immigrants.

“There is no need to be so picky about who moves to this great country, and paperwork only slows down the process,” said Trump to a gathering of over 75,000 devoted supporters in Mississippi. “When I am elected, the borders will be opened. I was wrong in many of the things I’ve said, and it has just taken me some time to realize my mistakes.”

Many former Trump supporters say they instantly abandoned the candidate when he made his announcements.

“This is an outrage. I was looking forward to more security at the borders, not less,” said former Trump supporter Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve voted for conservatives like Trump my whole life, and they’ve never won. Trump had a chance. He speaks his mind, and people like that. People like me, anyway. Now, this is just absurd.”

“I’m glad he’s changed his opinion of immigrants,” said illegal immigrant from Mexico Jose Marquez. “I think he might be going a little too far just opening the borders all together. I moved here to feel safe, and aside from the constant fear of INS, I’ve felt like I can live here freely. If the borders are opened completely, that might not be the case anymore.”

Donald Trump says that he plans to win this election based on “cold, hard truths,” and that means, sometimes, changing your tune completely.

“I will do whatever it takes to win this election,” said Trump. “Frankly, I’ll dye this wig black if it will get me the votes. I’ll do whatever it takes, say whatever I need to, to get your vote.”

FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels. 

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

 

Donald Trump Ends Rosie O’Donnell Feud, Asks Her To Be Presidential Running Mate

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has reportedly squashed his long-standing feud with TV personality Rosie O’Donnell, and sources are indicating that he has asked her to be his running mate in the 2016 presidential elections. There has been no confirmation on whether O’Donnell has accepted the offer, but members of Trump’s campaign team say that they are “pretty sure” that O’Donnell will commit.

“At this point, Ms. O’Donnell has not accepted Mr. Trump’s offer to run as his Vice President during the 2016 elections, but we have high hopes that she will commit. She’s definitely got the mouth to be included in such a career,” said Trump’s campaign manager, Rick Turner.

According to insiders, the entire thing is just a “marketing ploy” to make the public view Trump in a more positive light.

“Frankly, the only reason that Trump would want someone like Rosie O’Donnell to run with him is because he can’t possibly win the election without some minority voters,” said an anonymous source from Trumps campaign team. “He could have chosen a black running mate, or a Latino, or other such minority. Instead, he chose O’Donnell, because she’s a big mouthed lesbian. That right there can account for a huge chunk of the gay vote, the woman voters, and even some of the blacks, just because.”

O’Donnell could not be reached for comment, but a close friend says that she would “love to be Vice President,” but that she has no intentions of doing so with Donald Trump as the man in charge.

Unemployment Benefits To Be Eliminated Due To Poor Economy

emplyed

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The economy has been on a financial roller coaster for the last few years, and many American people have found themselves out of a job. With this poor economy, a lot of families have had to rely on unemployment benefits, but it appears that they will have to find another way to fend for themselves.

Due to the poor economy, government officials have announced that all unemployment benefits will be terminated until the country has enough stabilized their financial woes.

“The goal here is to have laid off workers attempt a different job field, or lower their standards for work,” said White House Spokesman Richard Miller. “Too many people are sitting home waiting for the perfect job to come around, and collected money for it, and that’s not helping to boost our nation’s economy, or our nation’s workforce.”

Miller says that hopes are that this push will have more American people back in the work field, even if it happens to be a job that they have never had before. They are claiming that this is a ‘tough love’ type of way to go about it, but feel that it will boost the economy in the long run.

“A lot of benefits were given out in the past decade, and it hasn’t seemed to help the economy grow at all. This is causing the country to lose a large amount of money, which is building up our debt,” said Miller. “For crying out loud, get out there and get a goddamn job and stop living off those of us that work our asses off.”

Alternative options are being thrown around to how people can find work or if they don’t agree with the decision. It is being suggested that all citizens that collect unemployment benefits should look for jobs as low as a paper boy or babysitting, and work on how they can budget their lives.

 

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