14 Dead, 22 Injured After Riots and Protests At Latest Trump Rally

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEDFORD, Wisconsin –

14 people are dead and at least 22 are injured after Trump supporters attacked a group of peaceful protestors at the candidates latest rally in Wisconsin. Trump, who is known for egging on supporters to harass and bully his detractors, said that he was “overjoyed” that there were less people now standing in his way.

“Everywhere I go, there are more and more people standing in my way, trying to keep this country down, when all I want to do is make America great again,” said Trump. “In Wisconsin, we had horrible riots and there were some deaths, yes, but the only ones killed were Trump protestors, Trump detractors. There are fewer now, and for that, we should all be thankful.”

Trump has offered multiple times to pay the legal fees of any one of his constituents who is arrested or charged for crimes against protestors. In this case, police are still sorting out how and where the riot originated.

“We know that there were a group of 15 or 20 peaceful protestors standing outside the hall where Trump was campaigning,” said Police Chief Mario Jones. “According to witnesses, that group was attacked by a handful of Trump supporters, who beat them with rocks, bats, and chains. Most were killed instantly, but some are mending in a local hospital. Once they are out of their comas, we will begin questioning.”

Trump was not held liable for the riots, despite being the one to incite it.

Donald Trump Tweets Nude Pic To Prove He’s Well Hung

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The media has been in a frenzy the last week after Donald Trump mentioned that there were “no problems” with the size of his penis during the recent Republican debates. Although most people were in shock that such crude and asinine comments were made during a presidential race, a huge chunk of the internet started asking for Trump to prove it, using the social media hashtag #TrumpShowUsYourPenis.

The Donald, not one to back down from a challenge, accepted the outcries of the young people of social media, and today he tweeted a fully nude selfie showing how big he really is.

“You asked for it America, and here it is,” said Trump’s tweet. “I wasn’t lying about the size of my penis, and I’m not lying about making this country great again. #dickpic.” Also included was a link to the image, which is obviously NSFW.

The tweet went viral immediately, as did the picture attached. Most people were in shock when they saw how big he actually was, and still others say that they’re actually going to vote for him now.

“Before this picture and tweet, I thought he was a buffoon,” said Joelle Clarke of Lansing, Michigan. “Now that he actually had the balls – literally – to tweet a picture of his package, I believe that he has the balls to get things done in the White House, too.”

Senator Bernie Sanders, when asked about the picture, said he “hadn’t seen it,” and “had no interest in doing so.” Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton said that she had set it as her cell phone’s wallpaper, and was currently discussing with her campaign manager whether it would be a good idea to tweet a picture of her own big, ugly penis.

As Summer Nears, Children Ready To Play Hottest New Swimming Game, ‘Marco Rubio’

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

For years, a popular swimming game for children – or adults pretending to be children – has always been Marco Polo, where one child closes his eyes and yells out “Marco!” while other children scream “Polo!” in return. This year, though, a group of children in Miami have upped the game, swapping out Marco Polo for Marco Rubio.

“The game basically plays the same as Marco Polo always did, except now we scream back ‘Rubio!'” said Freddy Johnson, 9. “I don’t really know anything about politics, but my dad says that Marco Rubio is a huge joke, and that all he does is play games, so this is a fun way to include him in our playtime!”

Many parents are happy that their children are taking to the new, family-friendly game.

“After the huge fiasco that my family had trying to play Trump-Twister, this is so much easier,” said Mary Lambert, 43, and mother of 3 small boys. “With that game, you have to spin the wheel and whatever random lie or racial epithet pops up, that’s where you have to put your hand or feet. There are so many racist remarks, we all fell down into one giant pile almost right away. ‘Left hand…Mexicans are dirty! Ugh. Horrible game.”

Donald Trump Plans To Reinstate Trump University, Offer Free Tuition To All Applicants

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has made a shocking announcement this morning, stating that he plans to reinstate his extreme failure, Trump University, and – even more surprisingly – plans to give all applicants free admission.

“This country has failed in many ways, and education is one of the biggest failures of them all,” said Trump. “My idiot competitors think that they can offer free healthcare, free everything without it costing taxpayers. Top of that iceberg is free college tuition. They can’t give that. It’s stupid to say they can. They’re stupid. They can’t promise that, but I can.”

Trump say that his new college, which differs from his old University in that it will actually be accredited and useful, will allow any and all students who apply to receive free tuition. He can accomplish this because he is filthy rich, and will funnel money from his other businesses to pay for the school’s needs.

“Bernie Sanders wants to give everyone a free education, but has he outlined a plan to do so? Not in the slightest,” said Trump. “My schools will be free, provide a good education, and be totally and completely free from tax increases.”

Trumps poll numbers soared on the announcement.

Woman Claims Donald Trump Gave Her Baby Herpes During Meet-and-Greet

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Presidential candidates have long been known to kiss babies during meet-and-greets, so much so that it has become common for people to thrust their babies in to the arms of candidates without so much as a word. One woman, though, has plenty to say, as she says her baby contracted herpes after being kissed by Donald Trump during a rally last month.

“I absolutely love the things that Donald Trump says, and I think he’s amazing,” said Irene Jones, 29. “I want my son to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president, because I don’t pay much attention to things in life, but when someone says, basically ‘fuck the Mexicans,’ I listen. But this – this is too much for me to handle.”

Jones says that last month she attended a Trump support rally, and asked the aging billionaire candidate to kiss her baby.

“I thought that’s what you did with babies when you brought them to rallies,” said Jones. “I thrust little Joe over to Trump, he gave him a little squeeze on the cheeks, then kissed him. Now my damn baby has herpes!”

Doctors say that it’s impossible to tell where the baby would have contracted the disease, but Jones says she knows for sure it was Trump.

“I don’t let many people kiss my baby, and I haven’t had an outbreak in months, so I know it’s not from me kissing him,” said Jones. “It had to be Donald. I’m pretty upset, but in the long run, it’s not a bad thing to know that our future president passed his STDs to my son. It’s kind of an honor, almost.”

Trump’s Plan To Secure Funds For Mexican Wall? Discontinue Food Stamp Program

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.

“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”

According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.

“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”

Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.

American Psychiatric Association Qualifies Trump Endorsement As Mental Illness

Posted on February 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has announced today that after much deliberation, the group has decided to qualify the endorsement of Donald Trump for President as a legitimate medical and mental illness.

“We have interviewed many people who, as bewildering as it is, support Donald Trump for president,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Hastings University Research Facility. “After talking to these people, we see no visible signs of anyone physically forcing them to support or vote for Donald Trump, leading us to conclude that it is, indeed, a mental defect.”

The APA claims that although none of the candidates for president qualify as “amazing,” Trump scrapes so far along the bottom of the barrel that their only choice was to rule support as a mental handicap.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is. He’s not PC, and he says what I’m thinking, and that’s the kind of man that I want to vote for,” said Johnny Rogers, of Houston, Texas. “You can’t keep America great when you’ve got a black Muslim in the White House. Trump will fix this nation.”

“That’s the kind of garbage that almost every one of the Trump supporters we talked to would say,” said Dr. Brown. “You can see yourself, from that statement, and surely from many others you’ve probably seen on social media and in the news, that it’s obvious anyone who thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate should be classified as having a mental deficiency.”

Ku Klux Klan Makes Formal Endorsement For Donald Trump Campaign

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

The Ku Klux Klan, America’s favorite hate group, has formally announced their endorsement for Donald Trump as he runs for president of the United States.

“He says what we are all feeling in our hearts and in our heads,” said Klan leader Joe Smith of the Huntsville chapter. “He’s a man who is ready to speak up and fix this country. He wants to build a wall to keep the spics out, and if we can have our way, we’ll get the niggers and the Jews out, too. Put ’em all behind a wall. Trump is the kind of man who can get that done, and we respect that.”

Normally not vocal about their candidate of choice, this is the first time in several decades that the group has spoken out in favor of one particular candidate during a presidential race.

“In 2008, we were adimant on getting anyone into the White House except for Obama, but we failed in our mission,” said Smith. “We didn’t think that that White House should be tarnished by being filled with a dirty black man from Kenya. This time, we will double our efforts in making sure that Trump is elected over anyone else – especially Hillary Clinton.”

Donald Trump Says JK Rowling Will ‘Never Work In This Country Again’

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An offensive tweet, posted by Trump’s aid Katrina Pierson, surfaced and has attracted attention from around the world. Katrina Pierson’s 2012 tweet referred to the two popular presidential candidates, asking, “Perfect Obama’s dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney’s dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?”

Author JK Rowling was quick to respond, with “Death Eaters Walk Amongst Us.” In Harry Potter, Death Eaters are followers of evil Lord Voldemort, who were of “pure blood.” As Trump is a known racist, none were surprised that he was being called out as a Death Eater.

Although he did not understand the comment, Trump took offense, ensuring his cohorts that action would be taken against Rowling. “Neil Murray needs to rein in his wife. Rowling did not even take his name. We can see she’s the one who wants to wear the pants in this family. Well, she’s not in control in my house, and I can assure you, JK Rowling will never work in the United States again.”

Analysts consider this to be an unwise move by Trump, considering the millions of Harry Potter fans in the country ready to base their vote on Rowling’s tweets. Trump also seemed to be confused when he was informed that Rowling was not, in fact, an American citizen.

Donald Trump Hides Severe Heart Condition From Public

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The last thing a presidential candidate wants to show is weakness. Currently, Donald Trump is leading the Republican polls with 37.4%, while Ted Cruz follows at a staggeringly low 17.4%. Having a heart attack would likely not inspire voter support, and Donald Trump has reportedly been keeping his severe heart condition a secret.

The Trump campaign says voters will think he is soft and they deny he is having any sort of heart troubles.

“I’m not worried about losing financial support at all. I have plenty of money but it’s not all about the Benjamins,” said Trump. “The average republican voter wants a real American man; a little John Wayne, a little Richard Nixon.”

“I’m all that. Between the doctors I can afford and Melania keeping me on a strict diet of olive soil and sprouts, I’ll be around for a long time. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I think of good honest blue collar Americans losing their jobs to illegal immigrants…and 9/11…and those commercials about abused animals. Trump Foundation would do more for that cause, but I’m the least charitable billionaire in the world.”

According to an anonymous source, Trump’s heart condition started around the time he got his small, $2 million dollar loan from his father to start his first business. His heart, which was reportedly normal until that point, shrunk multiple sizes as he became a prize-winning ass clown.