Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

Scientists Baffled Over Chicken That Can Talk, But Only Speaks In Racial Epithets

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Harvard Medical School say they are “baffled” by a chicken that was left on their campus by an unknown person. The chicken, which is of the average, normal-looking variety, has a very bizarre trait, though – this chicken can talk.

“Black people are a disgrace, especially black men. They just get arrested, make babies, run out on their families, and get arrested again,” said the chicken, which confusingly speaks only in racist epithets. “Keep refugees out of this country. Foreigners are a plight, and they’ll raise taxes and get free health care! Goddamn you, Obama!”

“It’s really a mystery where this chicken came from,” said head researcher Dr. Martin Chome. “Well, it’s not a mystery that the chicken came from an extremely right-wing home, with a definite bigoted, republican owner. We are baffled, though, at how it is that he came to speak, in perfect English, and only when saying something extraordinarily racist.”

When the chicken is not speaking, it clucks and bobs its head, like any other chicken you would see that was not already laying on your dinner plate. Whenever it raises its head to speak, though, it becomes cruel and vile.

“I hate Mexicans, and they should build a big fucking wall to keep all those dirty spics in their own country,” said the chicken. “Jews are nasty. The holocaust was amazing, and I wish it was still going on. 6 million Jews? Nigga, please. They kill 6 million chickens every day, you don’t see my crying about it. Pansies.”

Researchers say that they will continue to look into the amazing origins of the chicken for a little longer, but they are planning on plucking him and eating her very, very soon.

Political Shocker: Bill Clinton To Tour Campaign Circuit In Support Of Donald Trump

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to sources inside the Trump campaign, former president Bill Clinton will be hitting the campaign trail next month in support of the toupee-wearing candidate.

“Bill Clinton reached out to us last week, and asked to be included in the campaign,” said Trump’s campaign president Rick Moyer. “I was honestly a little taken aback. I can’t believe he wouldn’t support his own wife in the election.”

“Hey man, I can support whoever I’d like. Just because I married her doesn’t mean I thought she’d make a good president. I just thought she’d make a good wife and mom,” said Bill Clinton. “She’s great at those things. She’s great at a lot of things, if you know what I mean. Well, not all things. Sometimes you gotta get your interns to do those things. I digress, though. My point is, she’d make a horrible president. Donald Trump on the other hand, now there’s a man who knows how to get things done.”

According to a press release issued by the Trump campaign, Bill Clinton will hit the campaign circuit and speak on behalf of Trump in areas where his poll numbers are lacking.

Genealogist Traces Donald Trump’s Family, Discovers Mexican Heritage

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVO, Utah –

The Association of Professional Genealogists, a private group who studies family histories and genetics, recently released their findings on the family of presidential candidate, Donald Trump.

“It’s ironic, really, that Trump is so anti-Mexican and anti-immigrant, as it would appear that Donald’s great-grandmother was a Mexican immigrant,” said Professor of genealogy, Dr. Richard Kimball. “We aren’t sure if this is something that Mr. Trump is unaware of, or is choosing to ignore to further his standings in the presidential election, but he is definitely of Mexican decent.”

According to Kimball, Trump’s great-grandmother was very likely an illegal immigrant who snuck into this country through Texas, and migrated to the east coast.

“It was in the New York area that we believe granny Trump likely set up shop as a prostitute,” said Kimball. “She more than likely sold herself to the highest bidder each night, being paid for her services and having no morals – a trait that seems to have dwindled down through the family, if you ask me.”

Donald Trump, who says he wants to build a wall that would stop immigrants from sneaking into the country from Mexico, could not be reached for comment.

Donald Trump’s Secret Sex Tape Leaks To Internet

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

During one of the most bizarre campaign races of all time, Republican hairpiece Donald Trump has suffered a possible blow to his chances of becoming the next leader of the Free World. A sex tape, reportedly leaked by one of Trump’s aides, shows The Donald vigorously masturbating to his own reflection in a hotel mirror.

“Oh yeah, who’s going to be the president? WHO is going to BE the BEST DAMN PRESIDENT EVER?!” Trump asks himself in the tape, while winking and making odd faces at himself in what appears to be a Hilton hotel mirror. He also makes several racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, and talks tirelessly of money. The video, which is 87 minutes long, is thought to have been secretly recorded while Trump has been on the campaign trail.

“It’s the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Joe Goldsmith, a democrat from Utah. “I saw it floating around online last night, and curiosity got the better of me. You would think you wouldn’t want to see Donald Trump yanking on his old dick, but I tell you what, you’d be wrong. I may vote for the guy now just because it was so damn funny.”

According to Trump’s campaign staff, they have been working tirelessly to have the video removed from the numerous websites it appeared on late Saturday evening, but it has proved “almost fruitless.”

“Frankly, we just can’t catch up to all the places it is appearing,” said Trump campaign manager Mick Rogers. “I think at this point, we may just embrace it. I mean hell, who hasn’t jerked off to their own reflection once or twice, am I right?”

Trump is currently leading in the polls for the Republican party.

Trump Says After He’s Elected, He’ll Finally Rid World Of ‘Biggest Problem’

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has announced that when he is elected president next year, he will finally get rid of the problems that have been plaguing the entire world, and his sights are set on something very close to home: his toupée.

“I understand that my hair looks like a Troll doll, or a cat’s ass, or a hamster trying to escape a cage,” said Trump. “When I am elected next year…when I am elected…I will finally be removing my toupée, and I will be going bald.”

Trump says that he has decided to remove the hairpiece as a movement of solidarity – not only with bald men everywhere, but with the entire nation who has mocked and ridiculed him.

“The whole country has made jokes at my expense, and many of them revolved around my hair,” said Trump. “If I am going to fix this country, then I need to fix the joking, and so that means getting rid of this fake hair. There will never again be Hell Toupée after I’m elected.”

Donald Trump Flip-Flops Stance, Says He Will ‘Open US Borders 100%’ If Elected

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a surprise change of pace for Donald Trump, the presidential candidate has announced that he’s “completely changed his mind” about immigration, and says that if he is elected president, he plans on opening the country’s borders to all immigrants.

“There is no need to be so picky about who moves to this great country, and paperwork only slows down the process,” said Trump to a gathering of over 75,000 devoted supporters in Mississippi. “When I am elected, the borders will be opened. I was wrong in many of the things I’ve said, and it has just taken me some time to realize my mistakes.”

Many former Trump supporters say they instantly abandoned the candidate when he made his announcements.

“This is an outrage. I was looking forward to more security at the borders, not less,” said former Trump supporter Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve voted for conservatives like Trump my whole life, and they’ve never won. Trump had a chance. He speaks his mind, and people like that. People like me, anyway. Now, this is just absurd.”

“I’m glad he’s changed his opinion of immigrants,” said illegal immigrant from Mexico Jose Marquez. “I think he might be going a little too far just opening the borders all together. I moved here to feel safe, and aside from the constant fear of INS, I’ve felt like I can live here freely. If the borders are opened completely, that might not be the case anymore.”

Donald Trump says that he plans to win this election based on “cold, hard truths,” and that means, sometimes, changing your tune completely.

“I will do whatever it takes to win this election,” said Trump. “Frankly, I’ll dye this wig black if it will get me the votes. I’ll do whatever it takes, say whatever I need to, to get your vote.”

Donald Trump Ends Rosie O’Donnell Feud, Asks Her To Be Presidential Running Mate

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly squashed his long-standing feud with TV personality Rosie O’Donnell, and sources are indicating that he has asked her to be his running mate in the 2016 presidential elections. There has been no confirmation on whether O’Donnell has accepted the offer, but members of Trump’s campaign team say that they are “pretty sure” that O’Donnell will commit.

“At this point, Ms. O’Donnell has not accepted Mr. Trump’s offer to run as his Vice President during the 2016 elections, but we have high hopes that she will commit. She’s definitely got the mouth to be included in such a career,” said Trump’s campaign manager, Rick Turner.

According to insiders, the entire thing is just a “marketing ploy” to make the public view Trump in a more positive light.

“Frankly, the only reason that Trump would want someone like Rosie O’Donnell to run with him is because he can’t possibly win the election without some minority voters,” said an anonymous source from Trumps campaign team. “He could have chosen a black running mate, or a Latino, or other such minority. Instead, he chose O’Donnell, because she’s a big mouthed lesbian. That right there can account for a huge chunk of the gay vote, the woman voters, and even some of the blacks, just because.”

O’Donnell could not be reached for comment, but a close friend says that she would “love to be Vice President,” but that she has no intentions of doing so with Donald Trump as the man in charge.

Pope Francis Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis, who is known for ardently following United States politics, has said that he has decided to throw his Mitre in the presidential ring, stating that he “didn’t see a worthwhile” candidate, and felt he could do a better job.

“Popes have been running the Catholic Church, as well as Vatican City, for longer than anyone could possibly remember,” said the Pope in a prepared statement. “I have done so many good things for our religion since I took a seat as the Pontiff, and now I want to step away from just religion, and plan to run for President of the United States in 2016.”

Catholics around the globe say that this current Pope would make a fine Commander In Chief, and that his stern political leanings wouldn’t cause any problems when running the country.

“Frankly, the United States has had 43 purported Christians as leaders of the free world, and not a single one of them knew a thing about the Lord,” said Cardinal Joseph, of Rome. “His Holiness is a real man of the cloth, a real leader, and could bring back the spirituality that the United States has long since forgotten about.”

In recent polls, Americans seem to be favoring two current candidates, Bernie Sanders, an Independent, and – unbelievably – Donald Trump, a bag of Hot Air.

“I honestly believe that both of those men are decent people. Well, at least Mr. Sanders is,” said the Pope. “But frankly, neither man knows anything about leading, and neither man knows anything about One Nation Under God. With me as president, we can make this One World Under God, and that’s what the American People need. See you in 2016.”

With the Catholic Church and the Vatican being worth an estimated $15 billion dollars, political analysts are saying that Pope Francis may very well have this election in the bag.

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Business magnate and celebrity, Donald Trump, is in the process of donating nearly all of his wealth to cancer research. The billionaire’s estate is known to be associated with many charity organizations, but Trump seems to have a personal sympathy for this cause.

“It’s long been his dream to find a cure for cancer,” said daughter Ivanka. “He cares so much for all those poor, hideous people going through the rigors of chemotherapy.”

Other, more cynical commentators have however shed doubt on the purity of his actions. One of the major critics is son, Donald Jr.

“Dad would never give his money away for no reason,” young Donald said. “He has some sort of smart business plan, that’s going to make me… I mean him… lots more money. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Much of the conservative community has agreed with Trump Jr. Their argument is that “Donald typifies the ideal capitalist. He ruthlessly makes as much money as possible, uses it philanthropically when it will serve to make him more money, and never gives anything away for free. He embodies the values on which America was founded. If you give people handouts, they’ll never learn to take care of themselves. Cancer patients are no exception. It’s because of all the charity they get from liberals that you never see the dying victims themselves sitting in labs researching. They’re so entitled already.”

Trump, however, is not budging on the insistence of his pure motives.

“This is charity, plain and simple,” he announced at the American Association for Cancer Research (AARC) annual fundraiser. “All I want is for our esteemed biologists and doctors to come up with a way to relieve the torments of cancer. Especially the hair loss factor, and the pasty white skin. If they can just find a way to cure those symptoms, a lot of people’s lives will be vastly improved. I know mine will.”