Hollywood Says That They Are ‘Done’ Making Reboots, Remakes; Original Content Only Starting 2017

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

All the major studios in Hollywood, including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and more, released a joint announcement today saying that they have “heard the call” of the movie fan, and will no longer be rebooting or remaking films, and plan to release nothing but original films and content going forward.

“People have been complaining a lot, and the internet is really the most important fan we have,” read the statement. “We have listened, and starting in 2017, there will be no more reboots from any of our studios. No remakes, either. We will still have sequels, because they’re built-in audiences that are usually cash cows, but no longer will we decide to make a movie based on another movie that is only 10 years old, that itself was based on a comic or TV series that was only 3 years old.”

The internet let out a collective yell of celebration at the news, praising Hollywood filmmakers for the first time since Avatar was released.

“Finally, they’re doing something right, and listening to what we want,” said Kip Hendrix, who says he ‘loves movies more than sluts love dick.’ “I’m so glad that I will never again have to see a movie in anticipation of another version of it being released by the time I get home from the theatre. Hollywood has sucked lately, and this is going to fix it.”

Marvel Announces R-Rated ‘Howard The Duck’ Film Coming in 2017

howard

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

The original Howard the Duck film, starring Lea Thompson and Ed Gale, is widely divided between moviegoers as being either an “awesome cult classic,” or one of the worst films of all time, but either way, Marvel has announced that they plan to bring back their anthropomorphic duck in an all-new movie, set for release in the summer of 2017.

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“We teased Howard a little at the end of Guardians, but we really wanted to bring him back for his own movie, and this time, make it not a giant piece of shit,” said Marvel CEO Mark Wymms. “He will not be CGI as he was in Guardians. That was just a tease, or a little taste. Actually, we’ve already begun shooting the movie, and we think fans will be super happy to know that we’re going hard R-rating.”

Deadpool, the latest Marvel movie to hit theatres, was R-rated, and grossed over $700 million worldwide, making it the third-highest grossing R-rated film of all time. Marvel hopes to strike again with Duck, which is based on their comic series about a duck named Howard who is brought to Earth during a science experiment gone awry.

The new film will feature Warwick Davis (Willow) as Howard, and is set to be directed by Lars Von Trier.

Steven Spielberg Announces 5th ‘Indiana Jones’ Film Titled ‘Search For The Medicaid’

jones

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Harrison Ford has just signed on for the 5th, and perhaps final, installment in the original Indiana Jones series, according to producer and director Steven Spielberg. Spielberg, who is a spry 69-years-old, will direct Ford in the outing, slated for release in 2019. Ford will be a wrinkled 76-years-old upon the film’s release.

“I know I can’t do these forever, and if it wasn’t Steven making it again, I wouldn’t be bothered,” said Ford. “They tell me that this film is about Jones’ search for his missing Medicaid card. Sounds about right to me. At my age, I’m just not as limber and mobile as I used to be. Should be a really exciting adventure.”

“We’re going to be visiting some amazing locales in this movie, including Jones’ bathroom, his bedroom, and the living room couch, as he searches for his insurance card,” said Spielberg. “This is going to be the most action-packed film that a nearly 80-year-old man could ever hope to star in.”

The movie, being produced by LucasFilms, will be a summer tent-pole, as fans are just about as eager for the film as can be expected for a series this beloved.

“I mean yeah, I guess I’ll see it eventually,” said Roger Joy, 38. “I grew up with the originals. Crystal Skull kind of sucked, but as long as Harrison Ford doesn’t have to interact with the walking mannequin that is Shia LeBeouf in this one, it will be okay. I’ll at least catch it on Netflix.”

Tom Hanks Gains 200 Pounds To Play Your Mom In New Movie

tom hanks

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Hanks recently signed a deal with Universal to play Your Mom in a major motion picture. The actor, who is known for his extremely method abilities, including growing a full beard and losing over 75 pounds for his role in Cast Away, will reportedly put on over 200 pounds to play Your Mom in the movie.

“The thing is, I could never really be as ugly as Your Mom, but I could definitely get that fat,” said the actor. “This is undoubtedly going to be a tough role to play, but I am sure that once I get the weight on, I will look more like Your Mom, and I will start to feel more like Your Mom, too.”

Universal head Joe Goldsmith says that this is not the first time a movie about Your Mom has been in production, but until recently, they couldn’t find anyone interested in playing the part.

“Your Mom is kind of a drag, really. She’s lived a hard life and everything, but Your Mom is a real bitch, and we needed someone with real acting abilities to play that role,” said Goldsmith. “Your Mom is also a dirty slut, and that takes some careful writing in order to make Your Mom a character that everyone can relate to.”

Aaron Sorkin is writing the screenplay. JJ Abrams is currently in talks to direct.

‘Labyrinth’ Reboot To Use CGI Version of David Bowie As Star

bowie

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Last week, Tri-Star Pictures announced that they would be working with Jim Henson Co. to create a reboot of the 80s classic film Labyrinth, which starred Jennifer Connelly and the late David Bowie. In the film, Connelly’s character wishes that her baby brother would be taken away by the Goblin King, played by Bowie.

“The original is such a classic staple of many people’s lives,” said Tri-Star CEO Joel Briggs. “We want to recreate that magic again, but without someone as amazing and…regal as David Bowie to play Jarreth the Goblin King, we weren’t sure we wanted to go ahead with our planned reboot.”

Briggs says that after discussing it with the studio’s in-house effects department, they have decided that the best course of action is to re-create Bowie’s original character using CGI special effects.

“No one could pull of playing that part in the way that Bowie did, and at this point, we don’t want to spend years searching for something we know we can’t find,” said Briggs. “We’ve come to an agreement with the Henson company that we will be digitally creating David Bowie as Jarreth for the reboot of the Labyrinth film.”

“I think it’s an amazing idea, because they’re right – no one could play that part like Bowie did,” said Donnie Lewis, a production gaffer who was hired to work on the new film. “I grew up with that film, with those characters, and no one could have the grace or magic that David Bowie had. No one. He was the ultimate superstar.”

Marvel’s New ‘Deadpool’ Movie Given PG-13 Rating

deadpool

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Although trailers and comments from the cast and crew would lead many to believe that the new Marvel film Deadpool, which is set to hit theatres in February, would be getting an R-rating, it seems that the MPAA had other plans.

After watching the film, the group – who are responsible for the film ratings of every movie released – gave the movie a mild PG-13 rating.

“We are really, really shocked that we got a PG-13,” said the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds. “We were going for a hard R-rating. There is blood, guts, nudity, sexual content, and about a thousand uses of the word ‘fuck.’ It’s mind boggling.”

According the the MPAA, they didn’t find that the film fit with their R-rated policy, which as anyone who has ever seen a movie can tell you, is not exactly set-in-stone.

“Normally, you can’t really get by with more than maybe one F-bomb in a film without getting the R-rating,” said MPAA spokesman Gerry Lyons. “In this case, though, we felt the film really didn’t encompass anything that would get it the harder, more ‘adult’ rating. Plus, it’s a comic book movie, so how harsh could it really be, right?”

 

Toshiba Plans To Bring Back HD-DVD Brand To Re-Compete With Blu-Ray

hd-dvd

HONG KONG, China – 

Toshiba, the company who first made high-definition discs in their HD-DVD format, says they plan to bring back the technology in an effort to wipe out Sony’s Blu-ray technology.

“We were bested the first time around, but only because Microsoft dropped the ball and didn’t get HD-DVD players into the XBox 360. It wasn’t our fault,” said Toshiba president Mike Rolls. “Now that things have been going well for Sony, we see that there is still a market for our HD-DVDs out there, and we are planning a resurgence next year.”

Industry insiders call the move “confusing,” saying that most people – even avid movie collectors – forgot that there even was a competing format to Blu-ray.

“We’ve been pretty settled in with Blu long enough, and frankly, discs are on their way out anyway,” said movie collector Derek Paul. “I have no idea why Toshiba would do this. I have no interest in their format, and I own tens of thousands of movies. Discs are dead, anyway.”

Toshiba, though, says they’re not to be swayed.

“In the 80s, we kicked Sony’s ass in the format wars when our VHS beat out their Betamax,” said Rolls. “At this point, really, the pain of losing to them was just too much to bear. Now, we’re coming back with a vengeance.”

Rolls says that Toshiba is in talk with Disney to license their films first, hoping to release Star Wars: The Force Awakens as the first big movie in the new format wars.

Man Dies Of Hypothermia Waiting In Line For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

star wars

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A Boston man has died after reportedly suffering from hypothermia while waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie, which opens this weekend in theaters.

The man, Chuck Conway, 29, had been sleeping outside of the AMC Theater in downtown Boston since Sunday evening, trying to be the first in line.

“We saw him line up outside the doors on Sunday afternoon. He came prepared with a sleeping bag, a tent, and some books to read,” said AMC theater manager Joe Goldsmith. “We couldn’t believe he’d get here that early. It was insane.”

Friends say that Conway was a Star Wars super fan, and that he’d spent most of the year saving up to be able to afford to take time off from his job at McDonald’s and wait in line.

“Chuck was a hell of a guy, but not very bright, really,” said friend and co-worker Mitch Jacobs. “I mean, the tickets went on sale months ago, and he already had a ticket. Hell, AMC even makes you pick your seat ahead of time, so there was literally no reason for him to go stand in line. It’s a real shame he died over something so menial and stupid. But hey, more hours for me at work, right?”

Disney, the company releasing Star Wars: The Force Awakens said in a public comment that it was “tragic” that a fan had died,  but offered no sympathy. AMC Theaters said they would offer a memorial service for Chuck at one of their locations, and that any who wanted to attend could get in for the matinee discount rate.

NBC Plans ‘Big Bang Theory’ Feature Film

LOS ANGELES, California – 

NBC, the company behind the hit TV series The Big Bang Theory, has announced they have begun negotiations with the cast of the show to star in a big-budget, theatrically-released film the company has been planning.

“Somehow, unbeknownst to us, The Big Bang Theory has really captured audiences, and continues to always pull in great viewer numbers,” said NBC CEO Mark Rutherford. “We have yet to figure out how such a God awful piece of shit show like Big Bang actually works, but it does, and we’re definitely going to cash in.”

The Big Bang Theory, which centers around a group of nerds and who make lame jokes about stupid, pseudo-science, is mostly unwatchable for people with actual taste, but appears to do well in the 18-25 age group, especially when you tie in the 18-25 year-olds who also smoke marijuana.

“We’ve placed the show in a prime time slot, not just for TV, but prime time for stoners,” said Rutherford. “We want these people to watch this crap, with its annoying laugh track and piss-poor comedy writing, because they’re bringing in the ratings. And ratings equal money. The more ratings, the more money, and the more money we’ll sink into crap like this in the future.”

Crap for the future is what NBC is banking on by creating what they say is a first in a “long line” of planned sitcoms turned into films.

“We cannot wait to finalized this deal with the Big Bang cast, and no doubt they will be excited to be the first from our NBC family to make the leap to the big screen,” said Rutherford. “There will be others that follow, assuming this piece of shit movie gets off the ground and makes the kind of money that this piece of shit show has.”

Movie Theatre Collapses During Midnight Showing of ‘Rocky Horror’

SANFORD, Michigan – 

Tragedy befell over 150 people as an entire movie theatre auditorium collapsed during a midnight show of the popular cult flick The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie, which is the longest running theatrically released film in movie history, is played year-round throughout the country, usually at midnight shows. Halloween-time is especially popular for the film to be shown.

“It’s so sad, so unbelievably sad. I barely made it out alive, and most people did not,” said theatre manager Joe Goldsmith. “The film was barely getting started. We were only at the Time Warp scene. Unfortunately, that’s where a lot of the major audience participation begins.”

Moviegoers of the film are often dressed in costume as their favorite character, and the movie is an interactive experience. Line call-backs, throwing items around the auditorium, and dancing are not uncommon.

“It was just when they started doing the jumps to the left, and the steps to the right,” said Goldsmith. “On the first jump, the building shook a little. I noticed it, but I thought it was just the bass from the sound system. By the third jump to the left, though, the ceiling was crumbling. That final step to the right brought the whole place down.”

Goldsmith said that theatre was almost 120 years old, and the combination of the thumping sound system and the enthusaiastic movie-goers was too much.

“The whole entire theatre collapsed. Over 150 were trapped inside. It was horrible. There was rice and toast, and rolls of toilet paper scattered all over the debris,” said rescue worker Bill Silver. “It was a real mental mindfuck. But I can honestly say, it wasn’t nice.”

 

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