Caitlyn Jenner Upset People Already Stopped Talking About Her

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly ‘extremely upset’ that news outlets have stopped talking about her, and sources are saying that she is looking for her next big announcement and “courageous act” to get back in the news.

“In the 70s, Bruce Jenner was a hero for doing something sports related, which is just stupid – athletes aren’t heroes, and neither are Olympians. They’re just playing games,” said Richard Mario, a reported for the LA Times. “Now, Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner, and we all reported on that. Blah blah, she’s a hero for doing it in the public eye, blah blah. She’s not a hero for transitioning, either. She’s still a bigoted, anti-gay marriage, rich republican. People have realized it, and that’s why they’re not talking about her.”

According to her closest friends, Jenner says that she may transition back to being a man just so that her name can be in magazines and newspapers again.

“She’s really upset, and she’s trying to think of what she can do so that people don’t stop talking about her,” said her friend, Marianne Jones. “I think her Kardasihan former step-children have really gotten to her, and now she wants to be just like them. She’s even talking about transitioning back into a man! I mean, she was on the cover of Vogue, now she could go back and be on the cover of Men’s Health!”

Young Boy Obsessed With Kardashians Has Lip Injections To Look Like His Heroes

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A 9-year-old boy who is obsessed with the Kardashian family has undergone surgery to have injections placed in his lips so he can more resemble the family who he calls his “heroes.”

“The Kardashians are so pretty, and they’re so liked and they’re on TV,” said Jimmy Moyer, 9. “I love them. I like to watch them get into fights and do silly things. But mostly, I love how pretty their faces are, and their lips. They’re so big!”

Jimmy’s mother, Marie, 30, says that he has been bugging her to get lip injections ever since he saw an ad on TV for plastic surgery.

“He’d run up to me at 6 or 7 years old, yelling ‘Mommy, I want Kardy lips! I want Kardy lips!’ That’s what he said before he could say Kardashian,” said Marie. “He’s been itching for big, blowjob-style lips for years. Finally, I relented.”

It was reportedly a difficult task to find a plastic surgeon willing to inject a child’s lips with collagen, so Marie resorted to a Mexican surgeon who she says “barely spoke a word of English, but was very grateful to take American money.”

Now, she says, Jimmy is happier than he’s ever been.

“Oh man, I love my big lips. All my friends at school think I’m so cool. Everyone wants to kiss me,” said Jimmy. “I let them. For twenty-five cents, I will let anyone kiss me, boys or girls!”

“He’s definitely on the right track to becoming a Kardashian,” said Marie.

Bruce Jenner Knew He was a Woman Ever Since He Discovered He Had a Vagina

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The entertainment industry is still getting used to Bruce Jenner’s recent revelation that he is transitioning, but Jenner today said in an interview with TMZ that he’s known he was a woman ever since the age of five, when he realized he had a vagina.

“I was always told I was a boy,” the transexual said in the close-up and personal discussion. “But very early on – even before kindergarten – I knew. The epiphany came when I discovered I had a vagina, and since then it’s been a long struggle to work up the courage to admit it to the world.”

Jenner said that his parents insistence that he participate in track and field sports was perhaps the most difficult challenge against his identity in early childhood.

“I had to participate with all the boys. I might have seemed perfectly normal to them, but I knew I was different. Somehow, I managed to compete at the highest level, in the men’s races, but my womanhood was always there, accompanying my vagina every step of the way.”

Later on, Jenner faced the new challenge of living as a family man, fathering 6 children, along with being the stepfather of the Kardashian siblings.

“I was always anxious that someone would find out. It was especially hard being intimate with [ex-wives] Chrystie, Linda, and Kris. Have you ever tried hiding a vagina during sex? No, didn’t think so. Also, it often bothered her that I dind’t have a penis. That created a major challenge, especially since they all wanted to have children with me. We beat the odds, and I’m glad to have all 6 biological children, but even for the kids it was hard growing up with a dickless dad.”

Bruce acknowledged that his female genitalia will help ease the transition to becoming a woman.

“Of course, it has great practical advantages now that I’m open about it. Surgery and treatments will be easier, and I’m really excited that my vagina can finally take its rightful place in my life – as the centerpiece of my womanhood.”

Lamar Odom Pawns 2010 NBA Championship Ring For $200, Never Returns To Pay On Loan

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

Lamar Odom recently pawned his 2010 NBA championship ring to a pawnbroker in Burbank, California. Jeffrey Newman, who owns and operates ‘Effin Jeffin’s Pawn Shop’ began displaying the ring under his glass top counter, along with its price tag of $10,000.

Newman said that Odom himself walked in on a typical Wednesday afternoon in August, and wanted to pawn the ring for $200. “It was crazy. He just came in and said he wanted to pawn the ring and did not want to have to pay more than $250 to get it back. So we set it up so that he was given a $200 loan, and he never came back during the 90 day period, so I am officially the owner now,” Newman said.

Odom has been the center of controversy in the past couple of years after a rocky relationship with Khloe Kardashian, who he married in September of 2009. After months and months of rumors that Lamar was addicted to crack cocaine, Khloe divorced Odom in December of 2014. Many say his life spun out of control at that point. He signed a deal with a professional basketball team in Spain, where he averaged only one point per game. He quit after only two games played.

Newman says he really doesn’t want the ring to sell right away. “I put a tag of ten-grand on it because I think it won’t sell for that much, and it is a great conversation piece. I have had many people try to buy it for up to five grand though – and I just refuse to budge on that price.”

Asked whether or not he would allow Odom to buy the ring back, he said he would, but not for what it was pawned for. “I’d sell it back to him for $2,000 if he walked through that door right now. Not a penny less,” Newman replied.

Kim Kardashian Sues Owner of Roadside Diner Over ‘Fatback’ Sandwich

Posted on August 7, 2014 by DvanL

SANTA MONICA, California –

Sandwich shops and delis across the nation are known to name popular items after famous celebrities. It’s a trend made popular by New York’s Carnegie Deli, which boasts among other items, the “Woody Allen” – made with corned beef and pastrami, and familiar to fans of Allen’s 1984 film Broadway Danny Rose.

Many would say to be immortalized in food would be a badge of honor, but reality star and social media personality Kim Kardashian disagrees. She has taken legal steps to disassociate her name from one menu item she finds distasteful.

Kardashian filed suit against “Baggazi’s” a small Santa Monica roadside diner, over her novelty sandwich made up of “a generous portion of fatback, topped with 2 steaming poached eggs.” “Fatback” is a layer of fat and skin cut from the back of a domestic pig.

“It’s just going too far,” said a weeping Kardashian during a press conference attended by Kardashian family members including mother Kim, sisters Kourtney and Khloé, and half-sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner, also weeping. Kardashian’s husband Kanye, who was not present, was busy preparing for an upcoming concert in Kyoto, Japan.

“I’m having trouble taking off the last few pounds of my baby weight,” Kardashian explained through sobs, “and this sandwich is mean spirited, insensitive and just not fair. I work hard at things and this isn’t something I endorse for my public image and it also invades my family’s privacy and our good name.”

Proprietor Joe Baggazi doesn’t get what the fuss is all about. “It’s a sandwich for Christ sake, like ham and eggs, just with a famous name is all,” said Baggazi from behind the counter of his small shop. “What am I supposed to do, name a skinny sandwich now after somebody skinny? The skinny people would be complaining I guess about that then.”

The attention brought by the lawsuit has been good for business, admits Baggazi. “I got lines out the door and around the corner,” he said. “If I have to change the name of the sandwich I guess I will, ‘cause I don’t have that kind of money if they sue me, but everyone’s gonna know which sandwich it is anyway, so I’ll call it the ‘You-Know-Who’ sandwich instead if I have to,” he added with a wink.

Baggazi then excused himself to tend to waiting customers who were beginning to form a long line.

Kim Kardashian Teams With Revlon To Combat Illiteracy

Posted on July 9, 2014 by Mange

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a move to rival Paris Hilton’s career-spanning work highlighting STD awareness, Kim Kardashian’s publicist has announced that she has been named the spokesmodel for a new campaign to combat illiteracy, aimed at fashion-conscious children. The line of educational books, titled ‘Kim and me learn our A-B-Ks”, is set to hit both bookstores and make-up counters next month, featuring spelling and pronunciation guides that will help students by relating English grammar to various make-up techniques and color names.

The books will follow a distinct learning curve, allowing readers to enjoy whimsical nonsense illustrations as they progress from lessons like “eyeliner is good for meeting at the diner, but looking thinner is best before dinner” to more advanced material such as “I apply rouge before standing in queues”. The illustrations, handled by British artist Sandey Sime (of “The Pick Me Up” and “The Idler” renown), each relate to the subject matter of their accompanying text. Revlon predicts the star potential of Kardashian will help drive the product line which combats one of our nation’s greatest challenged in education.

“We want to make Kim’s name a byword for illiteracy.” Said a representative for Revlon.

The move comes as no surprise to Kim’s fans, who’ve followed her example by bolstering the spirit of cancer researchers across the world with their online support, and providing bulimia therapists a broad social spectrum from which to study the threat of body dysmorphia. In a recent weekday press conference, Kardashian met with fans aged 10 to 16, who wished to confront difficulty in reading together with their idol.

I’m not afraid to admit I get nervous being asked to read from the board in school.” Said 14 year-old Chandler Noxwell of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Kim showed us that there are even words grown-ups like her have trouble reading, like ‘algebra’ and ‘water’.”

Several students were given an afternoon pass to attend the event, during which Kim could be seen reading along through pre-press editions of the books and sounding out some of the more challenging rhymes. Kardashian lead one student through the sentence “I shouldn’t rush when applying…my…bluss…”, stopping to quip “Well that’s the street pronunciation, right?” before laughing and hugging the child to her for photos.

Reporters at the event were also treated to a brief speech by the famous reality TV star, wherein they were asked to “understand the fear these children face daily in school, at home, in subtitles. The bravest learner is one who fails, but refuses to give up and tell themselves that they just can’t. I know this whenever I watch my husband work, and I want to support these kids as much as I do him.”