Hate Your Job? Scientific Study Reveals Reason Why!

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PORTLAND, Oregon – 

These days, the majority of people seem to dislike their careers, and the Oregon Health and Science University has found out why. After surveying more than a million US workers, the number one reason people hate their jobs is “having to deal with other people’s bullshit.”

Other reasons such as lack of pay, lack of fulfillment, and too little vacation time were cited, the overwhelming majority of people hate their jobs due to the people they work with, the people they work for, or the public that they have to put up with.

Expert Adam Lachance, who worked on the study, says it is a hopeless situation.

“There is no escaping people’s bullshit. No matter what field you are in, you are guaranteed to run into it at least 3 to 5 times a day,” said Lachance. “More if you find yourself in a career that puts you in direct contact with the public, and upwards of 30 to 40 times a day if you find yourself in the unfortunate career of working in a call center.”

Lachance says the careers with the least amount of bullshit to deal with include coma patient, funeral attendant, and unbelievably, car salesman.

Several Major Companies Start Paying People To Be ‘Walking Billboards’

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Companies such as Oreo, Coca-Cola, Burger King, and even Marlboro cigarettes have begun offering hefty paychecks to people who are willing to use their own body as walking billboards – and people are lining up to get the job.

“I was struggling to make ends meet, but Oreo pays me damn good money to wear their logo on my head,” said Shaniqua Sh’niqua, 36. “Only downside is how damn hungry I get all the time now. Wish I could just open my own skull and pull out some Oreos, but it just can’t happen!”

A spokesman for Coca-Cola, who also has been paying people to brand themselves, says that they like the combination of people showing brand-loyalty, as well as the advertising.

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“In this day and age, we pay YouTube ‘celebrities’ to talk about our product, and they get the word out. This is another step to talk about our product,” said Coca-Cola spokesman George Glass. “If you see someone on the street with their hear dyed red and the Coke logo painted in, you’re going to ask them about it. And we paid them a good amount to do that to themselves. We’ll pay even more if you tattoo our logo on your body. We’ll pay extreme amounts if you’ll tattoo your face.”

Many companies have said they’ve seen a spike in sales after they began paying people to advertise for them, and several giant corporations say they’re “watching the trend” closely.

University of New Hampshire To Close; Schools Deems Everything ‘Too Offensive’

UNH

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

After an internet firestorm was ignited over the University of New Hampshire releasing a “language guide” that lists the word ‘American’ as offensive, it seems as though the entire school system in the Granite State has decided to shut down permanently, finding that it is better to not teach the students at all in such an offensive environment.

“We decided it was best for the students of UNH to not learn anything at all than be forced to sit through classes, walk through campuses, eat school lunches, or attend school events that may be construed as ‘offensive,'” said Dean of Students Geraldine Charles. “The term ‘American’ was found offensive by at least one student, so we made a note of it in our language guide. Then, other students were offended that someone was offended. Then even more students were offended that those first students were offended, and soon, all we had was one big group of angry students who were more focused on being upset by something than learning about anything.”

“According to statistics, at least 1 out of every 2 people find every single post on the internet offensive, whether that be a picture of a cat, or a political statement, or a thought about a recent film,” said Dr. Joseph Thomas, who studies what people find offensive, and their overreactions to everything, at his offices at Cambridge. “Frankly, there is nothing at this point that someone, somewhere, won’t find offensive. And honestly, if we’re getting right down to brass tacks, that to me is pretty damn offensive.”

The University of New Hampshire may not be the only school to close its doors, after schools in New Mexico, Arizona, Delaware, and Georgia have also found that their idiot students may or may not get offended over everyday, casual concepts, words, and ideas, too.

Shaquille O’Neil Plans Return To NBA As Free Agent

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MOUNT DORA, Florida-

Fan favorite basketball player Shaquille O’Neil has announced that he will be returning to the NBA pending a deal with a team. Shaq says he will be returning to the league as a free agent, and hopes a team will sign him and give him the chance to play the game that he “has always loved and respected.”

Shaq made his way with his basketball skills, but his persona off the court is what people really loved about him. Friends say he was always goofing around with his teammates and reporters, and has landed several jobs both behind and in front of the camera because of it. According to his doctor, Shaq is ready to play again and, reportedly hasn’t felt this good about the sport since he first started.

“I just want to go out and win for my team, whoever it may be, that’s all I want to do. I’m in great shape and still feel that I can ball with the best of them, especially when I’m wearing my new Icy Hot Backpatch. I’d love to dunk on Kobe and LeBron – nothing feels better than that – except for when I put new Icy Hot Slow-Release Pain Reliever on my feet after a long day,” said Shaq.

At the moment, no teams seem interested in signing him, but reports claim he has gone to a few team practices. It is unclear if these visit were for business, or if Shaq was just hanging out with some old friends. O’Neil has reportedly requested a 10-year contract for $15 million per year, and claims “the phones will be ringing any moment now.”

Man Sells Heart To Pay Rent

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CLEVELAND, Ohio-

A local resident of Cleveland has passed away today after responding to a strange Craigslist post months ago. The post has recently been taking down by police, but they report they have a man in custody they believe is tied to the death of James Grace, 27.

According to police reports, approximately six months ago, Grace responded to a Craigslist ad claiming to pay top dollar for a human heart. Long, detailed emails transpired, and police were led to question the ad’s poster, Henry James. In his emails, James explains that he would pay $750 for Grace’s heart. In the correspondence, Grace asked several times if the procedure was safe, and claimed he needed the money to make rent that month.

Grace was found dead in his on apartment, with a large scar that had been stitched up over his rib cage. James is in custody, but lawyers are claiming that the entire ad was obviously a gag, and that Grace was just a “goddamned idiot.”

“Mr. Grace cut out his own heart, and even managed to stitch himself back up a bit before he died,” said Bill S. Preston, Esq., James’ attorney. “Frankly, it is a medical marvel that he was able to do that. I guess it was like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and they run around for a bit. Anyway, Mr. Grace was clearly retarded, in that he thought he might be able to live without his heart. Sorry, but that’s just not our fucking problem. Case closed.”

Currently, James is being held in the Cleveland County jail. He is being held on $20,000 bail. His lawyer says that he will place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell their body parts and donate the money to their legal fund.

 

 

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

JERUSALEM, Israel – 

BREAKING NEWS: leaders in Israel are currently doing stuff, things, and other stuff. As news of this reaches the United States, many citizens are shocked, outraged, proud, happy, and unsurprised.

Empire News took to the streets to hear what people have to say about the most recent actions of That One Guy, the Prime Minister of Israel.

“It’s crazy,” Rajesh, 22, said, “The way they treat their people is just unacceptable… I have such strong opinions about this.”

We asked Rajesh for a more in-depth explanation of his thoughts, to which he simply kept responding “It’s crazy” or “really shocking.”

Another young mind had a different take on it, though: “I think it’s great that they’re making progress with, like, social issues, and peace and stuff,” Anita, 19, said.

With each interviewee, we conducted a short poll:

Roughly 80% of responders said they saw headlines of new events in Israel on Facebook but didn’t actually read the articles. 98% agreed that pretending to be knowledgeable of current events in Israel made them seem more worldly, cool, intelligent, and sensitive. Less than 1% actually had any idea what they were talking about, and finally, 100% of all responders said they weren’t sure if it was the country of Israel or Isis, or if either of those were even countries.

As sensational headlines fill social media, millions of Americans continue to pour out their cocktail of emotional support for anyone and everyone they possibly can. That One Guy is expected to do another thing in the near future, which already has many making vague and embarrassingly uneducated comments.

President Obama Announces He Will Resign Amid Allegations He Is Leader Of New Black Panther Movement

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Announces He Will Resign Amid Allegations He Is Leader Of New Black Panther Movement

In a developing story that has landed a bombshell upon newsrooms across the world, President of the United States Barack Obama announced he will resign from office after a disgruntled member of the New Black Panther movement has come forward with proof that the President has been giving direct orders to the group.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest made the shocking announcement just moments ago among a stunned room of journalists and reporters.

“President Barack Obama has decided to resign from office as news has surfaced regarding his alleged involvement with the new Black Panther movement, and being harassed by the American people whenever he wants to go out and have some fun,” Earnest announced. “Sometime tomorrow, Vice President Joseph Biden will assume office as President of the United States of America.”

Late last night, several media outlets released a video tape of Obama speaking at a Black Panther rally in which he made a statement to a large group of members.

“It is time to finish the job and take over what is owed to us. If they want a fight, we will give them a fight,” Obama said. “It is time that freedom has spoken.” The Obama Administration claims the statements were taken out of context, as he was referring to the ongoing feuding with North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, but also stated the President is just tired of being picked on every time he wants to go on vacation.

The President then took to the stand to give his side of the story. “It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to give the American people what they want; Joe Biden in the Oval office. I get blamed for everything. The American people have spoken and have stated that everything bad in their lives is specifically my fault, and I’m sick of it,” the President said. “I’m going to take my ball and go home, I quit. You won’t have me to kick around anymore.”

Members of the Associated Press pressured the president for further comment, but the commander-in-chief refused questions.

“See what you people have done? You’ve run the first black president straight out of office with your jokes and your ridicule,” said vice-president Joe Biden. “Not that I’m complaining. Guess it’s my turn to give it a whirl!”

 

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