US Government To Allow Three-Toed Sloth As Pets

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The internet’s second most loved animal after the cat, the sloth is an animal loved by many, although actually seen – in real life, anyway – by very few people. That will all change starting January 1st, as the US government plans to lift its ban on certain exotic animals, including the furry three-toed sloth.

“The world loves sloths almost as much as they love cute, furry kittens,” said USDA wildlife spokesman Gerard Bole. “After an online petition to allow sloths as pets was signed over 350,000 times on the change.org website, the USDA decided to work with the other branches of the government to establish laws that would allow three-toed sloths to be imported as pets for private citizens.”

In the past, only zoos and animal treatment and research facilities were allowed to import sloths, which reside mostly in central and south America. The new laws will allow anyone to import the sloth to keep as a pet in their own home.

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

BANGOR, Maine –

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

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Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street.  A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

 

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

DALLAS, Texas –

Anthony Rojas, 29, of Dallas, Texas has been sentenced to death by the state of Texas for cooking his live-in girlfriends dog, a three-year old Pomeranian named Bugsy, then serving it to the woman and her parents for dinner.

Gloria Martinez, 33, called police on the evening of October 22, 2013 after discovering that Rojas had cooked her beloved dog for dinner. In the official police report, Martinez stated that Rojas had offered to make dinner for her and her parents and had finished their meals and began calling for Bugsy to feed him leftovers. Martinez said that after her parents complimented Rojas on the meal and had left for the evening, that he then told her that he had cooked and served Bugsy for dinner because they had no meat and no money to buy any.

In a lengthy trial, prosecutors persuaded the jury that Rojas had planned to kill the pet, and that the act was indeed, premeditated murder of a loved family member. He was found guilty of first degree murder by the 12 jurors. Sentencing was then handled by Judge Mary Joe Henderson, who just happens to be a dog-loving owner of two Pomeranians of her own. She chastised Rojas during the hearing before sentencing. “Mr. Rojas, you are a coward and a murderer of a beloved family member, I hereby sentence you to death,” the Judge announced. The verdict is the first of its kind in the United States.

Martinez, pleased with the sentence stated that she believes Rojas deserved the death sentence, “Bugsy was my true love and he knew it, he was jealous, so he cooked him and fed him to me without me knowing, and it is sickening” Martinez said. When asked what Bugsy tasted like, Martinez told a reporter from the Dallas Herald that he “tasted like chicken.”

 

 

Nation’s Dogs Ask Owners for More ‘Human Food’

 

Nation’s Dogs Ask Owners for More 'Human Food'

UNITED STATES – 

The nation’s dogs have collectively agreed to ask their owners for more human food, starting tonight. This comes in response to their constant hunger for whatever their masters are eating. They have decided on the strategy of sitting by the table and looking up with their big, sad eyes at their humans while they eat delicious steaks and burgers.

“We’ve decided to let go of dignity, swallow our pride, and beg,” said Pomps Michaels, a labrador. “They’ll surely sympathise. It’s impossible not to when we stare at them in a way that says, ‘I love you more than life itself, and only wish you’d make me happier.’ The combination of pathos and adoration will surely get them.”

“I do get human food occasionally,” admitted Rufus Paul. “My owner throws me scraps of chicken and other meat products when he feels particularly generous. But I could do with more fruit and yogurt, in order to balance out my diet and add some variety to my cultured palate.”

Dog food manufacturers are not perturbed by the development, saying that “this happens every so often and, up until now, we’ve managed to weather the storm pretty easily. While its impossible sometimes to say no to those furry faces, human food is far more expensive than what we provide. Furthermore, our food is developed to give dogs a healthy diet, and owners will always have their best friend’s greater good at heart.”

Owners across the country are preparing to meet the collective demands by saying no over and over again while throwing pieces under the table every time their dogs lay their heads on their knees.

Man Beheads Neighbor For Leaving His Dog Out In The Cold

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Man Beheads Neighbor For Leaving His Dog Out In The Cold

Donald White, 38, drove to a Louisville Metro Police Department substation, walked in, and told officers that he had just beheaded his next door neighbor, Alexander Baker, 49, because he had been leaving his dog to freeze outside over night in sub-zero temperatures.

White told police the dog would cry and bark all night, every night, and that the colder it would get, the more upset he became about the issue. White had reported Baker to animal services several times, who reportedly did nothing about the issue.

White’s girlfriend, Miranda Anderson, told WAVE-3 reporter Michelle Nelson that police only talked to Baker once, and it never changed anything.

“Donnie must have called them twenty or thirty times. They came once, told him to bring the dog inside, and to keep the noise down. He did it that one night, then every day and night afterwards the dog stayed outside,” Anderson said as she began to weep. “It wasn’t the noise that was bothering us, it was the cruelty. I’m sorta sorry for what Donnie did to the man, but you have to understand, the pain that dog endured was torture for us. We are dog lovers, and we talked about even taking the dog several times. I wish we had.”

When police arrived at Baker’s home, they found his body near a bloody machete in the living room, and his head in the bathroom toilet. The dog, a pit bull mix, has been taken into custody by Louisville Metro Animal Services, where it will be put up for adoption.

White says that he feels he made the right decision, and that he is glad that the dog has been taken in by a shelter, where it can get the care it needs.

“Every night, I’d look through my window, and see that beautiful dog shivering and freezing out there. Chained up and fenced in,” said White. “The night I went over to talk to Baker, it was -3 degrees outside. I just wanted to ask him to please take the dog inside, but when I got over there, he laughed in my face, and told me to ‘go screw.’ He said ‘Dogs have fur for a reason, shithead.’ I lost it. He had some hunting gear right by the door, and I pushed my way in, saw a machete, and I just cut his head clean off. One fell swoop. To be honest, it felt like the right thing to do.”

White’s Lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that White should not face criminal charges. “What he did was technically self-defense, for someone who could not properly defend themselves – in this case, a sad, cold, puppy. We expect he will not be sentenced for the murder.”

 

Chicago Man’s Suicide Prompted By Emotional Animal Cruelty Prevention Commercials

CHICAGO, Illinois – Chicago Man's Suicide Prompted By Emotional Animal Cruelty Prevention Commercials

Marcus Knowles, 37, a resident of East Garfield Park on the East side of Chicago, reportedly took his own life yesterday, and according to the Chicago Police Department, Knowles left a note stating that he had been driven over the edge by the emotional commercials issued by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The commercials typically show sad, battered, and starving pets, accompanied by music of a very melancholy nature, such as the popular Sarah Mclachlan song In the Arms of an Angel.

In the letter, Knowles stated that he wishes that everyone would just have given all their money to the ASPCA, if it meant that they didn’t make any more of the commercials.

“The commercials are some of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Knowles in his letter. “I had a wonderful life, travelled the world, and saw everything I wanted to see. I have no family, but I have made lots of friends and plenty of money in my life. Everything was going great, until I saw that commercial. The sad, crying eyes of the dogs. The matted fur of the little kittens. And the song. I have been crying for days, and there is only so much a man can take.”

Knowles, who lived in an apartment complex, was not allowed to have his pets in his building, and was apparently distraught that he couldn’t help the animals.

“There is nothing I can do to help these sad creatures. I cannot live if I cannot help these depressed animals. To everyone in my life who matters, I am sorry. I am leaving every penny I have to the ASPCA, and I advise you to do the same, lest you see this same fate as me.”

Police say that this is the 14th suicide they’ve seen in the last year because of the overly depressing ASPCA commercials.  They have reached out to the organization to get them to find a new approach to their marketing.

“I’d be just as likely to donate if they showed happy children playing with well-fed puppies. And at least I wouldn’t weep for hours or have to dive for the remote to change the channel,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Chicago Police Department. “I love animals, and no one wants to see them in that state. The people of Chicago, and probably the entire country – they love their animals so much. Please, for everyone’s sake, donate today.”

 

Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

ATLANTA, Georgia – Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

America’s second-favorite pet is in a battle for its life, and looks like it’s losing. Cats, both domestic and feral, have been dying in alarming numbers across the country, and veterinarians working closely with the Center For Disease Control have been seeking to find a cure for this new feline disease.

“We have diagnosed a disease, but cannot control it. It’s spreading at an alarming rate, and we can project death rates into the millions by summer. If your cat has been urinating more than usual, or being extra vocal, it could be the first signs of the disease,” said Alan Anderson spokesman for the CDC. “While a cure would not be impossible to find, we at the CDC quite frankly have better things to focus our energies and research on.”

Anderson said that while the CDC has been looking to find a cure for the disease, they have been also dealing with massive amounts of paperwork leftover from the recent Ebola scare.

“We’re very tired after that whole Ebola thing,” said Anderson. “This new cat disease, known as Feline Urinary Cartilage Abdominal Track Syndrome, or  FUCATS, for short, is easily spread, and it could very well mean an end to cats altogether. But, here at the CDC, our main concern is human diseases and controlling and containing their spread. Possibly dog diseases, too, but certainly not cat diseases.”

“Many in my field feel that FUCATS is a godsend,” said  veterinarian Mark Miller. “I look forward to the day I can go to work without being scratched by those soulless creatures. For felines, FUCATS is a horrible way to die. Their intestines turn into hard cartilage, and it’s very painful. It’s so painful for the cats, it’s almost hard for me to enjoy watching them die, but I manage.”

“It’s horrible. I mean, they could cure it, but they can’t be bothered,” said Margaret McCoy of Duluth, Minnesota, owner of 15 cats. “My babies are all I have. I guess I could get a dog. I always wanted a dog, and I hear one dog equals the love of 15 cats. But, still…I’ve grown attached to these furry little guys, the litter being tracked all over the house, and the smell of ammonia in the air. I hope that FUCATS doesn’t get my little fur-babies!”

 

Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

MEDINA, Washington – Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

In a bizarre kidnapping incident, billionaire co-founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, paid a reported $12 Million ransom for the safe return of his beloved pet, a 45-year-old Australian Lungfish named Buster. The suspect, who warned Gates not to contact police after stealthily kidnapping the fish, remains at large.

After the fish was safely returned to his Medina, Washington residence, it was then that Gates contacted police. According to Medina Police Department spokesperson Lester McShay, Gates did not contact police during the incident out of fear that the suspect would go through with his threat to kill Buster.

“Mr. Gates made an emotional judgement call in not contacting police out of fear of retaliation, and decided that the twelve-million dollars meant nothing compared to the life of Buster, a fish he has owned since he was a young boy,” McShay said in an early morning press briefing. “It remains unclear whether or not the assailant acted alone, or with a team of bandits.”

Gates has stepped up security at his Medina estate by hiring off-duty police officers, as advised by Medina Police chief Leonardo Roscorelli, a close friend of his.

McShay stated that Gates never actually saw the suspect on his property, and surveillance cameras captured images of a man wearing a blackout suit, in which the entire body, including face and eyes, are covered.

“It is like something out of a movie, this guy really knew what he was doing. What we have not figured out is how he knew about the loving relationship between Buster and Bill Gates. This may have been an inside job, committed by someone he has befriended,” McShay explained. “Surveillance cameras located outside Mr. Gates’ residence only showed the man running away while carrying a large plastic container of the Rubbermaid brand. No getaway vehicle was spotted on any of the video surveillance, unfortunately.”

Buster is said to be healthy and in good spirits following the traumatic incident.

 

Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

SACRAMENTO, California – Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

Just days after saying that “Pit bulls are a waste of space and should all be put down” on her radio show, The Dr. Laura Program, host Laura Schlessinger adopted ten pit bulls from a Southern California rescue shelter only to have the dogs immediately euthanized.

Shelter operator Mary Sheckles told Empire News that Schlessinger stopped by the shelter earlier this week, just days after making her now infamous comments about pit bulls. Sheckles said Schlessinger, also known as ‘Dr. Laura’, acted very sympathetic and guilty over her comments, so she wanted to give ten pit bulls a good home. Sheckles was convinced that Schlessinger had turned a new leaf after thousands of pit bull owners tweeted and emailed her telling her why she was wrong.

“She seemed very sincere,” Sheckles said. “I was just as angry as anyone toward that woman, then she came in and really poured it on heavy, so heavy it was emotional for me. I then showed her around the shelter and she took the time to meet and greet with ten of our pits we had at the time. She said she wanted to adopt every single one of them. I was so moved, I cried tears of joy.”

However, according to Sheckles, Schlessinger did not adopt the dogs to keep as pets. Hours after making the adoption arrangements, the radio host had a family member take the pit bulls to a local veterinarian, who she had known was also anti-pit bull, and had all ten dogs euthanized. A sympathetic employee from the veterinarian’s office secretly called Sheckles, and told her the devastating truth.

“I have been crying non-stop since,” Sheckles said. “In my opinion, this woman is evil and sadistic, and she needs to be taken off the air so that her lies and untruths can no longer be spread. For her comments and actions, she should lose all of her sponsors. The things she says, and the hatred she spews, all the while having very little to absolutely zero knowledge on the subjects in which she speaks, it’s all just very disturbing. She’s almost as bad – no, she’s worse than Dr. Oz!”

 

Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey – Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet?  It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living!  It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant.  From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly.  Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher.  Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial.  “He followed me everywhere.  One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me.  Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate!  He followed me home.  I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place.  We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments.  When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record.  The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady.  She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead.  A lot of  slanderous things have been said about her in court today.  Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over.  It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy.  “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair?  I think not.  We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day.  “A lot of my friends work with toys and string.  But what about Mittens?  Who is going to speak for her?  She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up?  Dead and under the recliner, that’s where.  Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher.  “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”

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