‘Mr. America’ To Return To WWE After 15 Years in Retirement, Wants to ‘Drop the Leg’ on Donald Trump

mr america

STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.

Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.

Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.

“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”

President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.

Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.

WWE Cancels ‘Wrestlemania’ Over Terrorist Threats

wwe

ARLINGTON, Texas – 

The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.

“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”

FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.

“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.

“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”

Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, testifies in court during his trial against Gawker Media, in St. Petersburg, Florida, in this file photo taken March 8, 2016.   REUTERS/Tampa Bay Times/John Pendygraft/Pool  MANDATORY NYPOST OUT

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”

Brock Lesnar Shows Off New ‘Shark Lifting’ Workout Routine

shark

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

WWE and UFC powerhouse Brock Lesnar is a force to be reckoned with. After dominating at both sports, the man has earned his reputation as an extreme athlete. What many don’t realize, though, is how Lesnar is able to maintain his incredible physique.

“Well, I started lifting animals years ago, back when I was still living on and maintaining my family’s farm,” said Lesnar in a recent interview. “Back then it was pigs, and I slowly worked my way up to cows. Once I left the farm, though, I found less options for animal lifting.”

Lesnar said it wasn’t until he bought his house in on the East Coast of Canada that he was able to start lifting a new kind of animal – sharks.

“The thin about pig-lifting or cow-lifting, is that those are fairly docile animals, considering, so although they’re heavy, I didn’t get the cardio aspect of it,” said Lesnar. “When I moved to the coast, I started swimming for, and catching live sharks. Then I carry them to shore, and do a few reps and squats. All that together, it really works.”

Lesnar says that although the workout routine has been extremely helpful in maintaining his “nearly perfect” athletic body, he doesn’t recommend it for everyone.

“If you have a fear of sharks, I’d say don’t do it,” said Lesnar. “Just stick to lifting smaller things, like dogs or rabbits.”

CM Punk Says He Will Be Returning To WWE In January

punk

STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.

“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”

Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.

“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”

Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.

Hulk Hogan Wears Blackface In Public To Prove He’s ‘Not Racist’

hogan

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Former professional wrestler Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, was recently spotted in Los Angeles wearing his trademark Hulkamania tee-shirt and bandana, but also sporting something a little more out of the ordinary for the 62-year-old.

“I saw Hogan walking through the mall, headed into a JC Penney, and his entire face was painted black. For a minute, I didn’t even recognize him. But on second glance, those 24-inch pythons gave him away,” said Jerry Miller, who was shopping in the Los Angeles City Mall. “Hogan was wearing blackface! I am a longtime fan, but even I was too embarrassed to walk over and ask for a picture.”

According to Hogan, he decided to paint his face fully black just to prove that he’s “not a racist.”

“You see brother, I may have said some racist things, brother. But that was years ago, brother, and I tell you, brother, I am definitely not a racist, brother,” said Hogan to a fan who was bold enough to ask about the blackface. “The thing is brother, I painted my face so that all the little Hulkamaniacs out there could see that the real Hogan isn’t a racist, brother. Sometimes, brother, you just say a racist-sounding thing, brother, but that doesn’t mean that what’s in your heart, brother, is really wrong, brother.”

Hogan has reportedly also tried to clear his image in other ways. He recently appeared on morning television, sans blackface, asking for forgiveness from the American public.

“I’m also gonna try, brother, hanging around with some more brothers, brother,” said Hogan. “I feel like the only way to really get forgiveness, brother, is if all the brothers out there can forgive me, brother. I just want everyone to know that I am still a real American, brother. I’ll fight for the rights of every man, brother. I’ll fight for what’s right, brother. Fight for your lives, brother. Brother.”

The WWE, the company that made Hogan a household name in the 80s, has all but erased his name from their website, including removing him from their Hall of Fame listings, after it was discovered recently that Hogan made racially insensitive comments several years ago.

Hulk Hogan Announces 2016 Presidential Run

 Hulk Hogan Announces 2016 Presidential Run

 

CLEARWATER, Florida –

A wrestling icon will be attempting a new career path next year by seeking to become the next President of the United States of America. Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has announced today that he will be running for President in 2016, and plans on winning, brother.

“I’m sick of the way things are being done in this country, brother, and I believe it is high time I rip off this graphic t-shirt, throw on a suit and tie, and take these 24-inch Pythons to Washington, brother!” said Hogan. He went on to say that he will begin to tour the nation to help raise funds for his campaign, and feels his fans will back him on his decision.

“Listen hear brother! I’m going to be the best President this country has ever seen, brother. I’m going to bring this country to a standing ovation when they realize that a real man is in the office, brother. If a body builder can be the Govenor of California, there is no reason a wrestling icon can’t take the whole country, Brother.” said Hogan. “I am a real American, and I will fight for the rights of every man. I’ll fight for what’s right, I’ll fight for your lives, brother!”

Some political insiders say that they think the entire announcement was just a publicity stunt, and once Hogan gets the camera back on him, his attempts will fizzle away. Hogan, who has been retired from wrestling for years, still appears at main events from time to time for the WWE. He also was the star of his own reality show, Hogan Knows Best. 

 

 

 

 

NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

This season of NFL has not disappointed its fans, either on or off the field. There has been some incredible games played, and some very incredible drama following the franchise and players, but they have still been pulling in viewership numbers like never before.

It is because of the incredible ratings that they have been getting that it has finally been confirmed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that the  reason why things have been so ‘dramatic’ lately, and the truth may be devastating to most football fans.

Goodell reveled in a press conference Saturday evening that the NFL has been lying to fans for years, as they have been secretly setting up all the games, creating off-field and media drama amongst players, and even going so far as to creating the illusion of long-term injuries for certain players.

“When we say that our athletes are playing the game, what we really mean is that they are playing our game,” said Goodell. “We’ve been manipulating everything. The games are pre-determined, and the players and coaches aren’t really calling the shots. Just like professional wrestling, we’re putting on a show, and for years, people have been tuning in to see what we’ll do next. Which team will win? Which player will beat down another? Which player will beat down his wife? It’s all about the ratings, and the stories created by our team of skilled writers.”

Goodell went on to also talk more about players and their personal lives, and how even getting certain people to agree to take legal heat outside the game in an effort to bring in more viewers.

“Now, I’m not saying that every little thing is a work. Michael Vick is certainly guilty of the dog fighting thing, but we do set up a lot of behind-the-scenes antics to keep people on the edge of their seats. There are bonuses structured for players who create a name for themselves in the media, whether it be good or bad. It doesn’t matter. In the end, they’ll get people watching.”

When asked why they were admitting only now, decades after the league began, that the games and media frenzy were all shams, Goodell said that he just felt the time was right.

“We’re hotter than we’ve ever been, and it just seems at this point it doesn’t matter what we do. Abuse allegations, cheating scandals, long-term and life-altering head injuries – it doesn’t matter. People still sit down with a bag of chips and a rack of beer every week, and watch our guys go to work. It doesn’t matter if the public knows we’re lying or not – they just want to be entertained.”

 

WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

One of the most popular professional wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take a new step in his career. John Cena, both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be taking away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this month

It has been announced that Cena, who has been training under MMA legend Chuck Liddell for several months, will face his first professional fight in mid-October.

At this point, it is unclear who Cena will be facing in his initial bout, but UFC sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any ‘all-star’ fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea to fighting in the MMA arena from fellow pro-wrestler and one-time UFC champion Brock Lesner, but fans and sports insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on the ‘real fights’ of the UFC.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters, throwing real punches and kicks,” said UFC president Dana White. “Cena is not taking this lightly, like the hits he takes in the WWE. I mean, there is almost a 100% certainty that he is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming. Cena is a marvelous showman, and  will certainly put on a great show for us in the UFC.”

Cena did speak to the press, and although not very clear about his wrestling future, he was very concerned about his upcoming fight for the UFC.

“Whoever they have me facing, he is going to wish that the fight was as staged as pro wrestling. For decades the WWE, and wrestling in general, have been the joke of the sports world,” said Cena. “They see people like me, jacked and ‘pretending,’ and they think I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100 percent. I’ve been in the ring. I’ve been in front of Hollywood cameras. This is just the next notch in my belt. Wrestling may be pre-determined, but it’s not fake. I didn’t tear my pectoral muscle completely in half playing hopscotch.”

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but so far nothing is signed on paper. Kimbo Slice, who became famous after internet videos showed him in street fights dominating contenders, turned out to be a complete joke once he entered the UFC, losing every match. He was released from his contract with the company, but they have agreed to possibly sign him for this one final bout against Cena.

The WWE has Cena under contract, and judging by the amount of publicity he raises for the company, not to mention the millions of dollars he makes for owner Vince McMahon, that contract probably has an end date of ‘never.’ The company has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in WWE events, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

BREAKING NEWS: WWE, Inc. Sold To Donald Trump For Undisclosed Amount; McMahon Turns Down Job Offer As Chief Consultant

STAMFORD, Connecticut – BREAKING NEWS- WWE, Inc. Sold To Donald Trump For Undisclosed Amount; McMahon Turns Down Job Offer As Chief Consultant

Majority owner, CEO, and Chairman of WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Vince McMahon announced this morning that WWE, Inc. has been sold in full to American business magnate and entrepreneur Donald Trump for an undisclosed amount.

“It is a bittersweet moment for the entire McMahon family, but we have secured a comfortable life for many generations to come for our family,” McMahon told the Associated Press early this morning. “Mr. Trump gave us an offer we simply could not refuse about a month ago, we met with the minority owners and the rest of the family, and everyone unanimously agreed we should take the offer. The logistics were worked out by our very competent legal team, and as of today, Mr. Trump has taken full control of the WWE.”

The announcement is sure to come as a shock to wrestling fans around the globe as the McMahon family has been the cornerstone of the booming wrestling entertainment business from the 1980’s through today. “Mr. Trump had asked me to stay on as chief consultant, I have considered the offer, but after selling the family franchise I do not think it is appropriate for me to operate it, or contribute to operating the WWE, while it is no longer under our ownership. I simply thanked Mr. Trump for the offer and declined. It is the McMahon way – we are all-in or we are not in at all,” McMahon said.

Ownership of the WWE is now listed as The Trump Organization, operating out of the Trump Tower in Manhattan, New York. Trump said in a telephone interview with WABC reporter Jim Shwartz that his son Donald, Jr. and his daughter Ivanka would be the ‘masterminds’ behind the newly purchased entertainment business.

“It was Donald Jr. who really pushed for the deal and after hearing his argument, which was that it was a big business that I didn’t already have my name attached to, it is something I had to get behind. The responsibilities of Chairman and  CEO will be mine, Donald Jr. will take on the role of President, and Ivanka will be named Vice President and Ambassador of promotions and marketing. We are very excited to take on control of the WWE, and we will no doubt improve how things are operated. It is a win/win for the fans and a very exciting venture is ahead of us.”  Trump told Shwartz.

When asked if fans would find any noticeable changes as the reigns of the WWE are handed over to the Trumps, he made it clear that the impact would be noticed immediately, as he planned on changing nearly every aspect of the company.

“Well first of all, we are going to do away with the ‘soap opera’ aspect of the business. It will become more realistic, making it so that it will eventually be recognized as a legitimate sport, not a joke. Sure there will be plenty of drama, but it will be real. There will be no feuding between wrestlers on camera then going off, having a cold beer together off camera. If that means losing the current stars, who are mostly actors anyway, that is the way it is going to be. I have been a lifelong wrestling fan, and I am even in the WWE Hall of Fame, but that doesn’t mean that changes won’t be made. We gave Mr. McMahon the opportunity to stay on board and he turned his nose up to us, but that is ok, because we will show him how he should have been running his former business. That’s what Trumps do, they take over and make everything better,” said Trump.

“We wish to thank all the fans who made everything possible for decades. From The Gobbledy Gooker to Hulkamania to the time I tore both of my quad muscles sliding into the ring, it’s been a wild ride with the WWE. I’ll never forget it,” said McMahon, tearfully. “Actually, come to think of it, I’ll just keep renewing my subscription to the WWE Network and watch it all over again. Hot damn, that Network was a good idea.”

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