Dr. Pepper Announces Production Halt, Purchase By Coca-Cola

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Coca-Cola Company says that they have purchased the rights to one of their biggest rivals from 7-Up Co., Dr. Pepper. The company says that they have plans to discontinue the product sometime in the summer of 2016, with plans to create their own, offshoot product that is “very similar” in taste to Dr. Pepper.

“After 131 years of quenching Americans thirst, Dr. Pepper will halt production in the Summer of 2016,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Mark Carson. “Though sales have always remained consistent, the 7-Up company can no longer compete with other soda producers using cheaper ingredients, such as ours. Rights to the recipe have been sold to us at Coca-Cola, and we have plans to stop producing the beverage later this year. Following shortly, a new Coca-Cola-branded version of a Dr. Pepper substitute will come out.”

Representatives for Dr. Pepper released a statement saying they were “extremely depressed” by the sale of the beverage recipe, but that they had “no choice” with the offer Coke made. They will continue to market and distribute their other flagship soda, 7-Up.

Huffing Your Own Feces Can Help To Cure Depression Symptoms

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

Major Acid Rains In Midwest Corroding Cars, Roofs of Homes

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TULSA, Oklahoma –

All across the midwestern states, storms containing acid rain have been pouring down, causing major destruction to homes and cars. The rain, which has a higher, drier acid content than most precipitation, is literally eating away at metal and plastic.

“My entire new 4-piece deck set was destroyed, melted away by acid rain,” said Mario Keller, who lives in Tulsa. “Thank God my car was in the garage, though. My neighbor Rick, his new Tesla was completely ruined, as the rain ate the paint and chrome right off his vehicle. It was insane.”

Meteorologists say that the rain has been happening on and off for the last week, but that major rain storms are set to continue happening through the end of the month.

“The pollution in our atmosphere is at an all-time high, and it’s causing this rain, this pollution, to come back down to us,” said meteorologist Joel Miller. “It’s mother nature giving us the finger. The finger right in the ass, as it were.”

Father Beats, Castrates Man Who He Says ‘Looked At Daughter In The Wrong Way’

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A Detroit man was arrested after he viciously beat and castrated a man who looked at his 16-year-old daughter while passing on the street. Carl Grover, 47, says that Mick Lowe, 19, deserved the attack, because he “checked out” his daughter.

“That sick bastard looked at my baby’s ass when we walked by on the street, and that ain’t no way to be acting around girls, especially my daughter,” said Grover. “Ain’t no one going to be thinking about putting their dick into my daughter, so ripped his off with my bare hands.”

Lowe, who is hospitalized and has already gone through 14 hours of extensive surgeries, is stable, but doctors say that his penis is completely gone, with no chance of being reattached.

“We have tried to make his penis a useable organ again, but the assailant was vicious in his attack, and tore it apart like a rabid dog,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a surgeon who has been treating Lowe. “It’s the most violent attack I believe I’ve ever seen.”

Lowe says that he never even noticed Grover or his daughter, until he was attacked from behind after he has passed them by.

“I definitely didn’t look at his daughter like he says,” claims Lowe. “I don’t normally go around checking out the backside of girls as I walk down the street. I mean, that isn’t typical of any gay man that I know.”

Transgender People Not Allowed To Use Any Public Restroom In Georgia Thanks To New Laws

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Following a very divisive ruling in North Carolina that makes it so that a person’s birth gender is the one they must identify with when using public restrooms, Georgia has created their own new laws, which make it so that people who are transgender are not allowed to use public restrooms at all.

“Trannies are nasty, and we don’t want them to use either bathroom when they are in public,” said Georgia state senator Luke Davidson. “If you are a tranny, you must use your own bathroom, or a bathroom in another private establishment. In public, you are not allowed to use a bathroom, because we don’t trust you not to molest our kids or rape someone.”

Davidson says that the North Carolina ruling made it “very easy” for Georgia to create their own laws, and that it is a major step in the right direction, but transgender people in the state say that the law is too discriminatory.

“I have no desire to molest your children, and I am definitely not a rapist,” said transgender man Ricky Law. “I just have to take a shit sometimes, like anyone else, and I need a bathroom to do it. This law is outrageous, and there are a lot of us that will fight it all the way to the damn White House if we have to.”

“I don’t care what some nasty dickless man says, it’s not right for someone to use a bathroom if they can’t even decide what sex they are,” said Davidson. “Obviously everyone within the state agrees, or we never would have gotten these laws to pass. Sorry trannies, just stop being weird, and you can start going again like the rest of us.”

Changes In KKK Bylaws Allow For Colored Robes

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

The KKK has been a thorn in the side of non-racists for nearly 100 years, but the group – which has seen a decline in membership as time has proven that they are a hate group – is making small changes to their membership bylaws that may entice new people to join, the group hopes.

“We are doing away with the all-white aspect of our group, for starters,” said Grand Master Paul Young. “No, not in skin color, because that would be ridiculous. We definitely only want WASPS in our group. But when it comes to our shawls, we are finally spreading out into an array of colors, allowing for people to make their own statements, while still hating anyone who isn’t just like us.”

Young says that he joined the Klan when he was 14, after his father taught him all about “white being right.”

“I always wanted to move up the ranks, to become a Grand Wizard, and I’m almost there, but I never thought I’d see this day where I could dye my white robes blue, or black,” said Young. “We even have a couple guys who are wearing brown robes, which is hilarious, and totally done in a sense of irony.”

Young says that he has seen other bylaws of the group that will be changed, and he says the public may be “pleasantly surprised” with what they’re doing in the future.

7-11 Convenience Stores ‘Happy For Endorsement’ From Donald Trump

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During a recent speech, candidate Donald Trump made what his camp is referring to as a “slip of the tongue,” and referred to the tragedies on 9/11 as “7-11.” Although the mistake could have happened to anyone, that fact that it happened to someone as nefariously incompetent as Donald Trump made the internet go wild – especially 7/11 Stores.

“We are extremely happy that Mr. Trump is endorsing our stores,” said 7-11 spokesman Brian Jewel. “Although we really wish that it had been someone like Bernie Sanders, we are elated to be a part of the conversation. We would like to say, though, that we want everyone to know that we do not sponsor any one, particular candidate, but, that doesn’t mean that we won’t enjoy when a specific candidate promotes us.”

In response to Trump’s comment about the stores, the entire 7-11 chain is offering one free Slurpee to any customer who comments as “Trump sent me.”

Gritty, R-Rated ‘Carmen Sandiego’ Movie Begins Production In October

Posted on April 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was a popular children’s game and TV show, which taught geography and history to kids in the early 90s. Several other offshoots of the Carmen Sandiego character have appeared over time, and it was announced today in Variety magazine that a new, gritty version of the character is coming to the big screen.

“All the kids loved Carmen, but those kids have grown up, many with children of their own now,” said Lionsgate CEO Mark Miller. “We thought about the property, and decided that a gritty, dark, violent version of the character would really appeal to those adults who grew up with her on TV and on the computer. This was a major deal for us, and a huge property to acquire.”

Miller says that the character is being revamped and rebooted to be more of a sultry, violent, superhero like spy.

“She’s a former stripper-turned-private eye, so she knows how to use her body as well as her fists, to get to the ‘bad guys,'” said Miller. “The script is being written by Quentin Tarantino, who is a big fan of the original TV show, as well as the cartoon series from the 90s.”

Tarantino is known for his violent characters in most films, including extremely badass female characters such as The Bride in his Kill Bill films.

“We know he will do a terrific job on the story,” said Miller. “If things pan out, we may even have him direct.”

Channing Tatum Says He Still Has To Sleep With Pacifer

Posted on April 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Channing Tatum, everyone's favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along — Channing Tatum, everyone’s favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along

LOS ANGELES, California –

One of the manliest hunks in Hollywood today, Channing Tatum, says that he still sleeps with the pacifier that he has had since he was a baby, and that it’s the “only way” he can fall asleep at night.

“Honestly, I have tried ditching the thing a million times, but I just can’t get use to sleeping with my little binky,” said Tatum. “I wish that I could. It’s really embarrassing that I have to deal with it, but at this point, I’m just too old to call it quits.”

Tatum says that over the years, he’s had to have orthodontic surgery at least a dozen times to correct the overbite that the pacifier causes.

“Sucking your thumb, or a pacifier, or anything, over long periods of time, causes your mouth to change shape, and I’ve had to have surgery to fix my jaw and upper plate several times,” said Tatum. “I don’t want my face to change too much. The dentists see dollar signs when I walk in. But it’s worth it, honestly. I love my bink, and my wife is used to it. I just really hope that my kids don’t take on the same habits that I have.”

Bernie Sanders Announced Plans To Drop From Race After Loss In New York

Posted on April 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Bernie Sanders has announced that he plans to drop from the presidential race after a loss in New York state earlier this week. The news comes as a massive shock to his followers and fans, as the Senator has said that he would “take this fight” to the end.

“I know that we had talked about bringing this fight to the ring, going all rounds, and hopefully coming out on top,” said Sanders on Thursday morning. “The problem is, we are not going to come out on top. This country is not ready for a president of my caliber, and it’s clear the media bias towards Hillary’s campaign is getting the better of us.”

Sanders says that he hopes that his voters will choose wisely when it comes to their voting in the general election.

“When it comes down to the elections later this year, it’s obvious that it will be Clinton and Trump,” said Sanders. “Although neither of these options is good, there is definitely one that is better than the other. Damned if I can tell you which one to vote for though.”