Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

Scientists Warn Massive Glacier Collapse Could Put Many Coastal Cities Under Water

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

REYKJAVIK, Iceland –

Scientists at the International Glacier Study Project in Iceland warned today of imminent danger from the possible collapse of the largest ice sheet in history. The press conference reportedly left viewers speechless, many of whom left the conference immediately to warn their families.

”Ladies and gentlemen, the study of glacial science is usually measured in decades and centuries. Global warming and climate issues have changed that,” said Johan Jorgensen, chief scientist for the project. “I am here today to tell you of an Earth changing event. According to our research, within the next several weeks, a polar ice sheet located just outside the North Pole, approximately 7 times the size of Manhattan, will separate from it’s glacier and fall into the Atlantic Ocean.”

“This event could very well trigger a tsunami that would spread across the world, leaving many coastal cities underwater. This event can not be measured in dollars of destruction, so much as in human life. The resulting temperature change of the oceans will disrupt weather patterns for years to come, for those lucky enough to survive the tsunami. I urge governments across the world to begin immediately evacuating all coastal cities to locations no less than 300 ft above sea level.”

Scientists in the United States and Canada who have seen Jogensen’s research have confirmed that a tsunami of that proportion would wipe out most of the East coast of the United States, with most towns in Southern Florida being eradicated completely.

President Obama could not be reached for comment, as he and his family were aboard Air Force One on their way to an unexpected ski vacation in the Swiss Alps.

Ray Charles’ Former Wife Says Singer’s Blindness Was Just An ‘Elaborate Hoax’

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a exclusive interview, Cindy Charles – 2nd wife of singer Ray Charles – came clean about what she says is Ray’s ‘biggest secret.’ Cindy, who is the mother of 2 of Ray Charles’ 12 children, says that Charles was not actually blind.

“I didn’t know Ray when he was a child, but I can tell you what he told me,” said Cindy Charles. ”Pretending to be blind started out as just an elaborate hoax to get out of chores when he was just about seven years old. Ray’s mom was a strict, God-fearing woman, and she told Ray, ‘If I find out you’re lying about your eyes, boy, I’ll tan your hide and you’ll burn with the Devil for lying to your Mama!’ So that’s how it started, and that’s how it continued for so long.”

“All his life, he had to walk around, bumping into things, any time someone was around who didn’t know his secret. I’m not sure how many people knew that he could see perfectly, but it wasn’t long before Ray realized that being blind had it’s advantages – at least when the blindness wasn’t real,” continued Cindy Charles. “He could ‘accidently’ touch girls breasts – which coincidentally was how we met one night. Also, he didn’t have to get a job, so he was able to concentrate on his music.”

“All of that head bobbing back and forth when he played piano, well that was just part of the act. What you couldn’t see because of the dark glasses was that he was looking down to see what he was playing,” said former manager Joe Goldsmith. “The reason everybody who knew kept it a secret was the money – nobody wanted to stop that money train. Ray had 12 kids with 10 different women – that’s a lot of paying off. I know he was keeping me in the good life for quite awhile back in the day.”

“The money train has dried up, though, and why I’m telling this story,” said Cindy Charles. “Legend that he is, ain’t nobody buying Ray’s music anymore. Rap, hip-hop, and free music downloads stopped putting food on the table ages ago. If it hadn’t been for Jamie Foxx and that movie a few years back bringing Ray’s story to life on screen, I think I’d have spilled the beans a long time ago.”

Columbia Records and the Ray Charles estate deny all accusations made by Cindy Charles. “Nonsense” was their only comment.

Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a press briefing today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest had the embarrassing job of explaining to the public how a computer glitch will negatively affect 6 million people.

”It has come to our attention that because of a simple computer error, almost 6 million people have been wrongfully put on the registered sex offender list. As it happens, all 6 million appear to be registered Conservatives that voted in the November mid-terms. I want to make it clear that this was an honest mistake, and in no means some sort plotted revenge orchestrated by the White House after the embarrassing results of the election.”

”I want to assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this, just like I did in the IRS scandal, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and Solydra,” said President Obama from a golf course in Hawaii. “I encourage all Conservatives affected by the error to hire attorneys to defend against any possible claims of sexual misconduct that may arise due to this computer malfunction, as it may take several months to a year to fix. We have people going through the list right now, name by name, comparing it to old lists, to see who should actually be on there, and who should not – but it will take time.”

“This is the Presidents most outrageous use of power since his last most outrageous use of power. I would like to assure the American people, we will get to the bottom of this, we will have conferences and hearings, right after the Thanksgiving break. Actually, maybe the Christmas break,” said John Boehner (R. – Ohio). “I encourage all Republicans and Conservatives to double their donations to the GOP, because this will be an expensive process.”

Obama To Offer Full Citizenship To Illegal Aliens Who Register As Democrats

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama today signed an executive order granting citizenship to all illegal aliens if they agree to register as democrat voters. The order was expected by many in congress, although dictating voter party has many in Washington up in arms.

“I have been pushing for a path to citizenship for 6 years, but the Republican House has done nothing,” said President Obama.”If the republicans and the extreme right don’t care enough to make these people citizens, well then it’s only right to make them Democrats. Thanks to the our party blocking voter I.D. laws, illegals have been voting democrat in our elections for years already. I expect some outrage from the right, but in the end, I only have two years left in my presidency and I’m not done transforming America. You expect a lot more executive orders it the next two years, because now that the republicans are in control of both houses, I will be using my pen for two things, vetoes and executive actions.”

John Boehner (R. – Ohio) says that he thinks the President has ‘lost touch with reality.’

“Obama has no respect for the constitution, or the majority of people in this country. Insisting illegals register as democrats is the most outrageous move in the history of this country,” said Boehner. “We will fight this move through legal action, and push for impeachment proceedings if we can, but make no mistake, we will stop this President.”

The order grants illegal aliens in already in the U.S. full citizenship, as well as healthcare benefits and food assistance, and will begin registering the individuals as of January 1st.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ TV Series Picked up by SPIKE TV

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Recently cancelled by TLC, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been picked up by SPIKE TV, and will have new episodes airing in January. TLC cancelled the show when “Mama June” broke things off with her husband, Sugar Bear, and moved in with convicted child molester Mark McDaniel. TLC executives said they felt that June’s actions were putting her family in harm’s way, and although they resolved to continue paying for her children’s education and counseling, they would no longer be airing the TV show.

“A trailer trash mom with young children has a convicted child molester move in, that’s just the kind of plot twist our viewers love!” said Mike Miller, SPIKE TV program manager. “Little Honey Boo Boo in danger every night, now that’s TV! We at SPIKE do our best to make sure Honey Boo Boo and McDaniel spend as much time together as possible.The first episode will have Mama June winning a three-day vacation, leaving McDaniel home to watch the kids. It will be dynamite TV. I’m looking forward to this being one of our highest rated shows, and I have so much confidence in it, we will put it to directly compete against MTV’s 12 and Pregnant.

“I want to thank SPIKE TV for giving me and my Honey Boo Boo a second chance,” said Mama June.”I don’t know what all the fuss was about anyway, Mark is a good man. He loves me and the kids, he’s not a molester – he’s just a touchy-feely kind of guy. He just keeps forgetting he don’t live alone anymore, I’m always yelling at him not to walk around naked in front of the youngins. Anyway, I’m glad Mark’s here, the medications I’m on just know me right out at night, ain’t nothing can wake me up, so it’s nice to have a man around to keep the kids safe.”

Because TLC owns the rights to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo titles, the Spike TV version will be called There Goes Honey Boo Boo. “It’s better than our original title, I think, which was Here Cums Mark McDaniel.”

Wendy’s Restaurants Admits Burgers Are Made With Horse Meat

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

TROY, New York –

“Where’s the Beef?!” was a popular phrase in the 80s, based on the 1984 TV commercial for Wendy’s restaurants featuring little old ladies sampling other restaurant’s menu items. Apparently the answer to the question is, ironically, not at Wendy’s. At a press conference this morning, Wendy Thomas, daughter of founder Dave Thomas, and president of operations Carl Frosty admitted that mounting internet rumors are true, and that Wendy’s stopped using beef in their burgers back in 1984.

“It’s true – the 1984 ‘Where’s the Beef’ ad was an inside joke started by my father. I really don’t see the big deal, honestly,” said Thomas. “Horse meat is FDA approved, is has been for ages. If you’ve enjoyed our burgers any time in the last 30 years, there’s no reason not to keep enjoying them. My father was a businessman; he experimented to find the cheapest, yet best tasting meat he could. He tried dog, cat, llama, and rats in our testing labs, but horse meat was the tastiest and the cheapest. It’s even less expensive than beef, if you can believe it.”

“We use horse meat in everything that our restaurant serves,” said Frosty. “Our chili, burgers and sandwiches – even our new ‘pulled pork’ sandwich is horse meat. It’s amazing, really. With the right seasoning, you can get horse meat to taste like anything. Wendy’s is not only fast food, but it’s good food, and I hope everyone keeps enjoying our burgers as much as we enjoy making them for you.”

“Personally, I don’t see the big deal at all,” said Carmine Classi, a self-professed ‘Wendy’s lover’ who was at the press conference. “Horse meat, zebra, unicorn, antelope – I don’t care, as long as it tastes good and it’s cheap. Where else can you take the family out to dinner for $20 bucks? I’m on a tight budget all the time, thanks to a small problem I have with gambling. But hey, when I lose my money at the track I’d yell normally yell ‘I hope they make glue out of you!’ But now I can yell ‘I’ll see you at Wendy’s!'”

‘Ghost Hunters’ Capture Real Ghost On Film While Shooting Episode

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Sy-Fi channel’s Ghost Hunters claim they have finally captured a real ghost on film, and the channel plans to air a special episode on Thanksgiving Day. Executives at Sy-Fi hope this will be the most watched hour in television history.

“It’s amazing, and truly terrifying. We were filming at a Civil War battleground site, and we actually saw and caught a ghost on film. It wasn’t just a noise, and it wasn’t just us playing things up for the camera like normal,” said Jason Hawes, paranormal specialist and star of Ghost Hunters. ”I’ll be honest with you – the show has always been fake, of course. We never find anything real. It’s TV for crying out loud. The way it usually goes is Grant or Steve say in a scared voice, ‘did you see that?!’ or ‘did you hear that?!’ and then we all act scared, but it’s just for show. Not this time, though.”

“I was scared as hell. I’m not going to lie – I pissed myself when I saw it. All this time ‘hunting’ for ghosts, we’d never seen a thing. 10 years of filming episodes; neither us nor our viewers seeing anything but night vision images of ‘spooky’ locations,” said Grant Wilson, co-founder of TAPS. “That’s half the reason I left the show in the first place. I am so glad I came back for this hunt. This changes it all. When this airs, people all over the world will stare in awe. It’s not any trickery, it’s not CGI. This was an honest-to-goodness, no bullshit ghost.”

“Now that I’ve seen a real ghost, I’m done, I’m never doing this again, it was fun when it was fake, but now forget about it,” said Hawes. “I’m going back to Kansas to work in my Dad’s Hardware store.”

”Ghost Hunters have filmed a real ghost, trust me, I saw it a couple of days ago and I haven’t slept since,” said Sy-Fi Channel executive Mark McGoldrick. “I can promise you, this will change the world as we know it. We now have proof of an afterlife, and of a spirit world. Do you have any idea what that will do for our ratings?!”

Michael Vick Investigated In Suspected Cockfighting Ring

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Abe Abrams

GREENWAY, New Jersey –

Michael Vick and five others were taken into custody for questioning today as State Troopers and FBI agents raided the Vick estate in Greenway, New Jersey, breaking up was is thought to be the largest cockfighting ring in the North East. Betting notebooks, several cocks, and many stacks of cash were taken in as evidence.

“It’s all cool, it’s no big deal. I can understand why a few people got upset with the whole dog fighting thing, but this is nothing like that. I mean, it’s just cocks, it’s not serious,” said Vick as he was taken into custody. ”No cocks got wasted in this house. We’ve had plenty of cocks in and out around here – most of the cocks weren’t harmed, and all of the cocks gave everyone involved a lot of pleasure. Betting on the cocks was just fun amongst some friends.”

“After receiving several tips, we decided to put the Vick estate under surveillance. After several weeks, we decided to make our move today,” said Special Agent Debbie Drake. “We have more than enough evidence, and there’s no doubt in my mind that Vick was the cock ringleader. I can’t believe how many cocks we found here. Personally, I’ve never seen so many cocks. I think Michael Vick must have been holding other men’s cocks here at his house. The ASPA will be taking them in, so there’s no doubt the cocks will be in good hands. Two people we expected to find here today are Peter North and Ron Jeremy, two reported ‘big shots’ in the underground world of cocks. Arrest warrants for them have been issued.”

ESPN Announces All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball To Air In 2015

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MIAMI, Florida –

In a change that most men say they are very excited to see, ESPN has announced this morning that they will begin coverage of an all-nude women’s volleyball league starting in 2015. The action will take place on a new ESPN pay-per-view channel starting next June, with matches costing $39.95 each.

“ESPN realizes that ratings for beach volleyball peak every four years during the summer Olympics, and lets face it, the only reason people watch is to see girls from Brazil and the Ukraine in skimpy bikinis,” said ESPN announcer Kurt Kramer. “It’s safe to say Americans don’t even consider beach volleyball a real sport. It’s just T&A. In an effort to give viewers want they want, and to increase revenue for the network, of course, in 2015 we will air the All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball. Some of the biggest names in the sport have already signed on, and are looking forward to showing the world their skills and assets.”

”This is an outrage. Women already have to put up with sexist comments coming from the fans all the time. I don’t think I have ever been at an event without a ‘Nip Slip’ chant coming from the animals in the stands,” said Jane Jensen, 2012 volleyball silver medalist. “I for one will be sitting out the 2015 season in protest, and I am disappointed that many of my fellow American Olympians have been signing up – although I was not surprised to hear the Ukraine sluts were raring to go.”

“This is great! Women’s beach volleyball may become bigger than football,” said Mark Miller, an avid sports fan and ESPN viewer. ”Let’s face it – women’s sports are a joke, but this is a game changer. I would even watch women’s golf if they were nude. I don’t care that it’s on pay-per-view at forty bucks a pop, I’ll watch the shit out of volleyball now. I can’t wait for the season to start. The U.S. girls tend to be flat chested, so right now I would think the Brazil and Ukraine teams will have the upper hand in the games.”

When informed that the size of their breasts had nothing to do with the scoring during the matches, Miller went on to say “Yeah, whatever. Tittays, FTW!”