Teen Sues Parents For Grounding Him, Making Him Miss Concert Of Favorite Band

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

A Duluth teen has reportedly brought a $150,000 lawsuit against his parents for grounding him 3 weeks ago, forcing him to miss his favorite band as they made an appearance at a local venue.

Aiden Moore, 17, is suing his parents, Jacob and Rebecca, saying that if he hadn’t been grounded, then he could have gone to see his favorite band, Eyeliner Fiasco, and that all of his friends wouldn’t be bullying him for missing it.

“Everyone in my group, they can’t believe that I didn’t make it to the Fiasco show,” said Aiden. “They’re standing in the halls at school in their skinny jeans, their black make-up, and their hot pink hair, and they’re making fun of me, calling me ‘fag’ and stuff. It’s not right.”

Aiden claims that he was the one in his group of friends that got everyone into Eyeliner Fiasco in the first place, and that his parents have caused “irreparable harm” to his status at school by grounding him, and not allowing him to go to the concert.

“We didn’t let him go because we caught him stealing his little sister’s makeup again, and he was grounded for the weekend,” said Aiden’s mother, Rebecca Moore. “We don’t take grounding lightly in this house, and he knew the rules and broke them. We weren’t just going to ground him, then let him go to the concert anyway.”

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of Aiden by the ACLU, the American Children Loser’s Union, who help morons, losers, and emo kids to sue their parents when their own behavior causes conflict.

Health Department Warns Of Pumpkins Filled With Baby Spiders

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A slew of complaints to the state health department over the last month has prompted officials to release a statement warning of possible contamination of pumpkins and gourds with a species of tiny, orange and grey spider.

“These spiders may be very hard to notice, as they often blend in very well with the insides of a pumpkin,” said health official Joe Goldsmith. “When you are carving your ornaments for the Halloween holiday, especially when doing so with children, please be extremely cautious of spiders.”

According to Channel 13 News Augusta, a Maine man was one of the first to experience these ‘tainted pumpkins.’

“My son and I were carving a pumpkin, and as I scooped in to remove the seeds, I felt something tickling my hand. I didn’t notice what it was at first, but as I scooped in again, the sensation got worse,” said Geoff Colbath, 31, of Augusta, Maine. “I looked, and there were hundreds of baby spiders crawling along my arm. We ended up burning that pumpkin, and every other one we got from the farm stand.”

Officials are trying to trace the origins of the spider to a specific location, but so far reports of spider-infested pumpkins have hit police and hospitals in New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont, and Massachusetts.

Time Warner Cable To Begin 10-Minute Window For Home Installations, Repairs

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

It’s a long running joke that you need to take a week long vacation from work if you want to be able to be home for the cable repairman to show up to install or fix your services. It’s not been uncommon for pretty well every service provider to denote 3-5 hour windows that their employee “may” arrive. Apparently, Time Warner Cable, the second largest provider in the United States, wants to change that.

“We’re going to be implementing a 10-minute window of time that our technician will be at your home, so you are not wasting your whole day waiting for us,” said TWC chairman Cameron Cast. “Now, we’ll be telling you almost to the minute when your service will be installed or repaired.”

Cast says that if they are not able to maintain the 10-minute window during busy or peak times, they will expand to 15-minute, 30-minute, 1-hour, and 3-5 hour windows.

“It all depends on how busy we are,” said Cast. “Being that we’re the second largest internet and cable provider in the country, it stands to reason that we will often be busy. If you are not able to get our 10-minute window, don’t worry. We’ll still get to you when we can.”

Cast says that the new implementation of service times will begin January 2nd, as Time Warner is on holiday break from Thanksgiving Day until New Year’s Day.

Young Man Shot During Zombie Prank At Pennsylvania Mall

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILLTOWN, Pennsylvania –

Rick Pilsner, 20, was reportedly shot and killed during a prank he was filming for his YouTube channel yesterday evening. Pilsner, known to his 13 followers on the social media channel as “That Prank Guy,” reportedly had dressed up in a “very realistic” zombie outfit to scare shoppers at the Milltown Plaza Mall.

“It’s a tragedy that this happened, a truly sad story,” said Milltown police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Rick Pilsner was well known in this town for his pranks and jokes, but this one just went too far for one citizen. Apparently Rick never watched the news, and didn’t know that any idiot with a gun is likely to use it, especially in a mall.”

Goldsmith says that at approximately 8pm, Pilsner went into a mall restroom and changed into his zombie outfit and makeup. At approximately 8:30pm, when he walked out of the bathroom mumbling “brainssss…brainsss…” a passing shopper drew his concealed firearm and shot Pilsner 3 times in the face.

“Yup. I saw that zombie, and he was coming right for me, screaming about eatin’ my brains,” said Jerry Moore, 62, a retired truck driver. “I was carrying my old .45, as I usually am, and when I saw him coming at me, I drew out and shot the sumbitch right in the face. After he went down, I shot him a couple more times, too. Can’t be too careful with zombies, you know.”

Moore, who was later informed that Pilsner was a young man in a costume, and not an actual zombie, reportedly commented “Pfft, that’s just what the government wants you to think. I know a real zombie when I see one.”

Goldsmith says that Moore will not face criminal charges in the case, as he honestly “feared for his life.” His weapon was temporarily confiscated for investigation purposes.

Upstart Company Designs Vaporizer For Use With Smoking Crack Cocaine

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

A new company based out of New York City claims they have invented a modified version of a vaporizer machine, used mostly by hipsters and often referred to as ‘vaping,’ for using in smoking crack cocaine. The machines, which currently use a liquid ‘juice’ that contain only some of the ingredients found in cigarettes, are often allowed where cigarettes are not, as they don’t contain the same types of harmful chemicals when exhaled.

“We invented a machine that would allow crack smokers to get their fix more openly, and with a more smooth feeling,” said CrackRockers CEO Joe Goldsmith. “We are all heavy vapers, and that honestly lead to some other drugs for us. I only ever smoked cigarettes. Then I got into e-cigs. Then vaping. And then eventually weed, and from there, it was all downhill.”

After an arrest in 2013 for smoking crack in a public place, Goldsmith says he “got his shit together,” and started CrackRockers.

“I took one of my old vaping machines, and I modified it heavily to be able to accept crack rocks,” said Goldsmith. “It took me over a year to get a machine that worked, but we ended up with was a vape that allowed crack smokers to enjoy all the highs that crack offers, but without tasting like you’re smoking plastic out of a homeless man’s unwashed asshole.”

Goldsmith says that he is currently working to patent the product, and that he hopes, with less-strict regulation on drugs in many states, to have the item available to the public within the next year.

New ‘Star Wars’ Film Gets Release Date Pushed To June 2016

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Disney Co., the parent company behind the new Star Wars franchise, has announced that they will be pushing the release date for the film back several months, from December of this year to June of 2016. The move comes as part of a “cooling off” period after several suicides were reported after the trailer for the film was released last week.

“Between the suicides over African-American actors being cast in lead roles, and the protests over our apparent ‘racism’ by not having as many white actors as in previous films, we decided it best to re-shoot several of the film’s key moments,” said Disney CEO Mark Ruben. “We want every Star Wars fan to be as happy and proud of this film as we are, so with that in mind, we go back into production next week.”

According to Ruben, the film will contain several new, Caucasian characters that were not in the version that was planned for release in December.

“We originally tried to not white-wash the galaxy far, far away, but now, it seems that some changes need to be made,” said Ruben. “We will be working closely with the cast and director of The Force Awakens to make sure that the spirit of the film stays alive while we work in new characters and storylines.”

The film will go back into production next week, and shooting will take an additional 4 months. No word on whether this will also delay Episode VIII.

Bill Nye To Be Awarded Nobel Prize

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

Woman Arrested After Shoplifting Turkey From Grocery Store By Hiding It In Her Vagina

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An Atlanta women was arrested after allegedly shoplifting a turkey from a Kroger grocery store by hiding the bird inside of her vagina.

Police were called by the store manager to the location on Delaware Ave. Thursday evening after security cameras caught the woman taking a full-sized frozen turkey from the refrigerator section, lifting her skirt, and attempting to insert the Butterball “Plump & Juicy” turkey product inside herself.

“It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “This woman must have had balls of steel to try and pull this off. Well, actually, in retrospect, I suppose she must not have had any balls at all, otherwise she’d have had nowhere to put it.”

The woman, Shaniqua Rogers of 345 Elm Plaza, was arrested and taken into police custody. She is being charged with theft and public display of indecency. She is scheduled for arraignment on November 1st. According to police, Rogers claimed she was trying to get an “early jump” on Thanksgiving turkeys.

Obama Admits To Being Born In Kenya, Says ‘What Are You Going To Do About It Now?’

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking announcement, President Obama has admitted that he is not a natural-born citizen, and that he was, like the ‘birthers’ assumed, born in Kenya.

“I was, in fact, born outside of this great country,” said President Obama in a press conference from the White House. “But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t the best damn president that the United States has had in decades. I think I have proven that you do not need to be American to love and appreciate America, and you definitely should not be American if you want to run America.”

Obama went on to say that he had given himself a full pardon, and that he could not be held in any legal troubles for serving as president the last 7 years.

“I have pardoned myself from the crimes of forgery and fraud, and I ask everyone, all my detractors – ‘what are you going to do about it now?’ The answer, of course, is nothing,” said Obama. “I may be on my way out of this office, out of the presidency, but I still have the power to make decisions, and those decisions will have lasting effect on everyone.”

Obama’s second a final term ends in 2016.

Children With Imaginary Friends More Likely To Be Gay, Study Finds

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Boston Medical School have been studying children who claim that they have “imaginary friends” for over 2 decades, and their findings – which were released today – are shocking.

“Children who have imaginary friends are 89% more likely to turn out to be gay,” said professor Joe Goldsmith of the Boston Medical School. “We have no idea why this is the case, but in following 200 young children, 100 of whom played with imaginary friends, and 100 of whom did not, from the ages of 3 to 23, a staggering 100% of the children without IFs, as well call them, were straight. Of the children with IFs, 90 of them turned out to be gay.”

Goldsmith says that they are continuing to search for the link between the imaginary friend and homosexual tendencies, but so far, they are coming up empty-handed.

“We have no idea why this kids are, almost without fail, growing up to be gay,” said Goldsmith. “The nice thing, though, is that if your child is often playing with an imaginary friend, you can almost be assured of their homosexuality later in life. It’s a real tell of what’s to come.”

The study was funded, in part, by the American Psychiatric Association and the Catholic church.