Donald Trump’s Secret Sex Tape Leaks To Internet

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

During one of the most bizarre campaign races of all time, Republican hairpiece Donald Trump has suffered a possible blow to his chances of becoming the next leader of the Free World. A sex tape, reportedly leaked by one of Trump’s aides, shows The Donald vigorously masturbating to his own reflection in a hotel mirror.

“Oh yeah, who’s going to be the president? WHO is going to BE the BEST DAMN PRESIDENT EVER?!” Trump asks himself in the tape, while winking and making odd faces at himself in what appears to be a Hilton hotel mirror. He also makes several racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, and talks tirelessly of money. The video, which is 87 minutes long, is thought to have been secretly recorded while Trump has been on the campaign trail.

“It’s the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Joe Goldsmith, a democrat from Utah. “I saw it floating around online last night, and curiosity got the better of me. You would think you wouldn’t want to see Donald Trump yanking on his old dick, but I tell you what, you’d be wrong. I may vote for the guy now just because it was so damn funny.”

According to Trump’s campaign staff, they have been working tirelessly to have the video removed from the numerous websites it appeared on late Saturday evening, but it has proved “almost fruitless.”

“Frankly, we just can’t catch up to all the places it is appearing,” said Trump campaign manager Mick Rogers. “I think at this point, we may just embrace it. I mean hell, who hasn’t jerked off to their own reflection once or twice, am I right?”

Trump is currently leading in the polls for the Republican party.

Woman Has Husband’s Penis Stuffed By Taxidermist After Untimely Death

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Mary Lambert, 34, has reportedly had her deceased husband’s penis ‘stuffed’ by a professional taxidermist after he passed away last week from colon cancer.

Lambert says that her husband, Mark, who died last Monday, suffered for over 3 years from the disease, and that he gave her permission before he died to have his penis removed and taxidermied so that she could continue to enjoy it.

“My husband Mark and I were high school sweethearts, and neither of us was ever with anyone else sexually,” said Lambert. “I told Mark that I never wanted to be with anyone else after he was gone, and he jokingly said maybe we should have his penis stuffed for me for ‘later use.’ After he got sick, the discussion became less of a joke, and more of a research game, trying to find a taxidermist who would do it.”

Lambert says that she was able to find a taxidermist in Texas who agreed to work with the penis, but because the law prohibits the taxidermy of humans, she has declined to say his or her name.

“All I will say is that they were very generous, and they agreed to perform the stuffing of Mark’s penis for free, knowing that it was for a grieving widow,” said Lambert. “I am just very glad that I do not have to go without now that Mark has passed, and I know that he is smiling down at me from Heaven when he watches my pleasure myself with his detached penis.”

Warner Bros. Studio Announces ‘Harry Potter’ Remake Slated For 2017

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Warner Bros. Studios, the company behind the mega-franchise Harry Potter films, has announced today that they are working on a remake of the series, with the first film already scheduled for release in 2017.

“We started realizing awhile ago that we would never have another series as big as Harry Potter,” said WB CEO Bruce Landon. “With companies like Sony remaking Spider-Man less than 10 years after their original film, we knew that Harry Potter could easily be re-made, as it has been nearly 15 years since the first film. People will flock to the theatres. Plus, it’s so much easier to just write a check and get some new movies made than it is to come up with new ideas.”

Writer J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter novels, is reportedly on board with the idea of a remake, and says that an entire new generation of children can discover Hogwarts that way.

“Plus, it will give me several more big, fat checks,” said Rowling. “God knows I don’t have any more good books in me, but I would love to stay the richest woman in England. I think this works.”

Warner Bros. has not yet announced a cast or a director, but the studio says that they have hired screenwriter Alan Ball (American Beauty) to produce a script. Filming is set to begin in April of 2016.

Boy Expelled For Playing ‘Death Of Jesus’ During School Recess, Crucifying Other Students

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PLAINVIEW, Texas –

A Plainview boy was expelled from school this week after he was caught ‘crucifying’ other students during recess. According to school officials, Jacob Smith, 9, was sent home with his parents after reports that he was tying other children to sticks he’d formed in the shape of a cross, and slapping them with branches or jump ropes.

“Jacob was caught whipping other students that he’d tied to a cross, and also spitting on them and calling them names,” said school administrator Mark Jones. “Apparently, this is a game that Jacob had convinced many students to play over the last several weeks, telling them that it was ‘fun,’ and that if they didn’t play with him, they would go to hell.”

Jacob’s parents say that he is a very bright boy, and that he was just acting out the things he’d learned.

“We read the bible every day at home, and we recently learned about the crucifixion of Christ,” said Jacob’s mother, Mary. “Jacob was very excited to learn about the death of Christ, and we encouraged him to talk to play and talk with his friends. If this is what he wanted to do to explore what our Lord and Savior went through, then we stand behind him 100%.”

School officials say that several of the children received rope burns and lash marks across their bodies, and that many parents are threatening to sue Jacob’s family.

“This is why we shouldn’t have religion, and this is why it definitely shouldn’t be taught to children,” said Phil Brewer, whose son, Mike, was whipped with a jump rope for over 20 minutes before being untied. “Christ isn’t real, the Bible is just stories made up for insecure, mindless idiots. Obviously these people need to do something about their hellion of a son before he starts skinning people and wearing their flesh or something. It’s disgusting what religion has done to him…to everyone, really.”

Mom Claims Her Teenage Daughter Was Impregnated By Flu Shot

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

A teenage girl has reportedly gotten pregnant after receiving a routine flu shot at a local pharmacy, according to the teen’s mom, Roxanne Myers.

Myers claims that her virgin, 16-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was impregnated after receiving her yearly flu shot a the family’s local CVS pharmacy.

“Rebecca is a sweet, innocent girl who has never even had a boyfriend,” said Myers, 44. “I asked her if she had ever had sex, and she said no, so the only possible explanation is that she got pregnant from the flu shot we got at the CVS.”

Doctors have tried explaining to Myers that her daughter could not possibly have gotten pregnant from the flu shot, and that there is probably a more “rational” explanation for her pregnancy.

“I told them that Rebecca was a virgin, but they didn’t believe me,” said Myers. “I know that the flu can’t get you pregnant, but what I think happened is that some young, horny stockboy at the CVS probably masturbated into the vaccine, or maybe onto the needles, I don’t know where. But regardless, his semen got my Becky pregnant, and I’m going to sue!”

Rebecca Myers, wisely, had no comment on the circumstances regarding her pregnancy.

U.S. Teens Abusing Epidurals In Dangerous New Drug Trend

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Already stricken with a massive heroin epidemic, many towns in New England are shocked to hear of a dangerous new trend by their local teenage drug users – unregulated epidurals.

The drug, given to pregnant women as an injection in the spine during childbirth, provides an almost completely immobile state, and teens say it’s one of the “best highs” they’ve ever experienced.

“Oh hell yeah man, I’ve done the Eps a few times now, and it’s fucking great,” said Joey Goldsmith, 16. “I used to just smoke weed, maybe some ‘shrooms once in a while, but then my buddy turned me onto Eps, and I can’t get enough of it. Your whole body goes numb, you can’t move. Hell, sometimes I even shit myself without knowing it. Best high ever, bro.”

Doctors say that epidurals, although mostly safe under controlled conditions in hospitals, does carry risks, especially when being injected by non-experienced users.

“Heroin was bad enough. We see so many ODs, but we also get infections from bad injections,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the Concord General Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire. “With epidurals, the needle actually has to go directly into the spine, and it’s very complicated. Someone could be permanently paralyzed if they were injected improperly.”

“I’ve had probably 15 epidurals this week alone,” said user Joanne Couch, 14. “It’s really intense. I can’t move my legs at all, and I can barely move my hands. Lots of times, I take it, and then the guys I’m with have sex with me, but I can’t stop them, because I can’t move. I guess it’s rape, but I don’t really mind, because Eps are awesome. So much fun having someone stick you in the spine. It’s like tickles all over, but on the inside. It’s fun!”

Health officials warn that if your teen is taking epidurals, they may have some severe mental health problems.

“Ask your children if they have experienced an epidural, or Eps, as the kids call it, and get them help immediately,” said Brown.

Philanthropist Offers ‘Apple Picking’ To Local School Kids; Puts Macbooks In Trees

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A wealthy philanthropist has opened up his apple farm to a group of local school children, but there is a twist to this day of apple picking – Bangor businessman Joe Goldsmith has had over 2,000 Apple Macbook Pro computers put into the trees around his property, letting the children ‘pick’ as many as they would like.

“I like to give back to the community once in a while,” said Goldsmith, who in past years has donated more than $2 million dollars to local schools, churches, and charities. “This year, I wanted it to be something fun. Cost me about $4 million or so to do this, but shit, kids need computers, and so I put some in the Apple trees. Made me laugh, and pretty much everything I do in life is to amuse myself, really.”

Goldsmith says that along with each computer, the children are certainly allowed to fill up as many bags of actual, edible apples as they would like.

“Oh, yeah, they can eat those, whatever,” said Goldsmith. “I think they’re too busy trying to grab as many computers as they can, though.”

Goldsmith reportedly made his money over a very long career of drug dealing, money laundering, and prostitution, before turning to real estate – a fact that seems to not bother any of the parents who brought their children “Apple picking.”

“Oh, I don’t care where the money came from, all I care about is getting a free computer or two,” said father Marc Jones, whose son, Kenny, had already picked 9 computers from the trees. “This is the most fun Kenny has had in ages. I’m hoping he gets at least another 4 or 5 computers down – we can sell them and make a killing!”

Couple Arrested At Serta Mattress Store For Having Sex On Beds

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A young couple, Jeanne and Robert Maitland, were arrested Sunday afternoon after they were caught having sexual intercourse in public in a Serta mattress store.

According to police reports, the Maitlands were told that they were allowed to “test” the beds before purchasing, but that the couple took it way too far.

“They came in, and seemed like every other normal couple who are looking for a new mattress,” said store manager Mark Jacobs. “They tested a couple beds, laid down in a few, and asked if they could just talk it over, so I said ‘sure,’ and went to help another customer who had come in.”

It was when Jacobs walked away that the Maitlands apparently got very busy trying out the beds, reportedly stripping completely nude and fornicating in the middle of the display room.

“It was shocking, and more than a little erotic,” said customer Barry Windham, who was there with his wife of 40 years, Marlene. “I say, I didn’t expect to really be purchasing a mattress that day, but after I saw what the Serta Perfect Sleeper bed could withstand, I ordered one on the spot. Marlene and I will have a hell of a time trying to reenact what that couple was doing, but we’re sure as shit gonna try.”

Police say that the Maitlands are set to be arraigned later this week. They are being charged with felonious public display of nudity. Sentencing could get the couple up to 10 years each.

‘Trendy’ Parents Won’t Acknowledge Baby’s Gender, Say ‘Let Baby Decide’

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

A new trend rising among young parents is to not acknowledge their new baby’s gender based on their genitalia, saying that referring to a young child as “he” or “she” could be considered ableist and transphobic.

“Our new baby has female genitalia, but we do not say ‘she’ when referring to it,” said mother Amanda Barnes, 21. “We don’t know if Baby Pat will choose to be a woman or man as it gets older, and we are definitely not forcing any stereotypes onto our child. That is disgusting.”

Many new parents say that they have decided to not provide gender information even to their own relatives, instead asking that their children be referred to as “babyself.”

“I have two children, a 3-year-old and a newborn baby, and we refer to them as ‘toddlerself’ and ‘babyself,’ because no one is putting labels on my children, not even me,” said Leslie Jones, 26, of Los Angeles. “When they are old enough to choose what gender they want to be, then that’s when we’ll start using proper pronouns. For now, they’re just baby and toddler.”

When asked why she did not name her children, Jones says that would be going “too far.”

“If I chose the wrong name, based on their genitalia and not their chosen gender, what would that make me look like as a parent? As a human being?” said Jones. “That’s disgusting, and no parents should be naming their children. You can’t choose gender, and you shouldn’t choose names, either.”

Woman Uses Hologram Technology To Have Dead Father Walk Her Down Wedding Aisle

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada –

A Montreal woman used some amazing technology last weekend to make sure that she would have the dream wedding that she’d always imagined.

Mariah Johnson, 30, married her longtime boyfriend, James, in a ceremony in Montreal last weekend. What normally would have been a very nice, quiet ceremony was made into a media event when Mariah surprised everyone by having a hologram of her father walk her down the aisle.

“My father, Joseph, God rest his soul, died when I was 19,” said Johnson, an advertising executive. “My entire adult life, I’ve wished that my dad would be there to walk me down the aisle, but I knew it would never be. Then, a couple years ago, something crazy happened, and I set a major plan into action.”

The ‘something crazy’ that Johnson referred to was the 2Pac performance at Coachella in 2013. The long-dead rapper appeared as a hologram, and went on stage to ‘perform’ with other major stars at the event, including Eminem.

“I am a big fan of rap music, especially 2Pac, and that hologram got me thinking,” said Johnson. “If they could put on a big performance with sound and dancing, I could definitely got a hologram of dad for my wedding.”

Johnson said that she contacted several hologram companies throughout the US and Canada until she found one that she was happy with. The total cost? Approximately a quarter of a million dollars.

“I know that even with my good job, this wedding has put us in debt for the next 17 years, but that’s okay. Dad was there, and it was great,” said Johnson. “If only the digital tears we programmed were real, so I could have wiped them away and told him not to worry about me. James will take care of me. But somehow, I think hologram Daddy knows that.”