Teen Gets Senior Pictures Taken At City Dump

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

After a teen recently made headlines for getting her senior pictures taken, unironically, in a Taco Bell, a South Carolina high school student said she would “not be out done,” and went viral after she had pictures taken at her local city dump.

Arlene Mitchell, 17, of Charleston, said she was “inspired” by the teen who took her senior pictures at Taco Bell, but knew that it was all just a marketing ploy.

“To be honest, the pictures were crap. They were garbage, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were paid for by Taco Bell, who has gotten tons of publicity out of this,” said Mitchell. “The more I started thinking about it, the more it pissed me off that someone was getting famous for taking pictures of themselves in the garbage dump of fast food restaurants. So that got me thinking…”

Mitchell says that she enlisted her father, professional photographer Joe Mitchell, to take pictures of her at a local city dump.

“It was a super hot day at the beginning of the month,” said Joe Mitchell, 34, best known for his work of taking photos of food at for the menus at a local Chinese restaurant. “We were out there for about 6 hours, taking all sorts of pictures of Arlene in with the trash. It smelled just horrid. It was probably exactly what it was like for that girl who took her pictures at Taco Bell. Except, of course, neither Arlene or I were struck with severe cases of the blow-shits after our shoot.”

Arelene says that she is very happy with the way that her photos turned out, but hasn’t yet decided which to choose.

“Frankly, it’s a toss up between the one of me sitting inside of a tire, holding a used condom in my mouth and pretending to jab a dirty needle in my arm, or the one where I’m standing next to some dirty baby diapers, holding my nose, and making an ‘ew’ face.”

When asked what message she was trying to send with her photo shoot, Arlene said she didn’t have one.

“I don’t give a shit about messages. I just think Taco Bell is a shitty place to eat. I could have gotten a better meal at the dump.”

Pope Francis Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis, who is known for ardently following United States politics, has said that he has decided to throw his Mitre in the presidential ring, stating that he “didn’t see a worthwhile” candidate, and felt he could do a better job.

“Popes have been running the Catholic Church, as well as Vatican City, for longer than anyone could possibly remember,” said the Pope in a prepared statement. “I have done so many good things for our religion since I took a seat as the Pontiff, and now I want to step away from just religion, and plan to run for President of the United States in 2016.”

Catholics around the globe say that this current Pope would make a fine Commander In Chief, and that his stern political leanings wouldn’t cause any problems when running the country.

“Frankly, the United States has had 43 purported Christians as leaders of the free world, and not a single one of them knew a thing about the Lord,” said Cardinal Joseph, of Rome. “His Holiness is a real man of the cloth, a real leader, and could bring back the spirituality that the United States has long since forgotten about.”

In recent polls, Americans seem to be favoring two current candidates, Bernie Sanders, an Independent, and – unbelievably – Donald Trump, a bag of Hot Air.

“I honestly believe that both of those men are decent people. Well, at least Mr. Sanders is,” said the Pope. “But frankly, neither man knows anything about leading, and neither man knows anything about One Nation Under God. With me as president, we can make this One World Under God, and that’s what the American People need. See you in 2016.”

With the Catholic Church and the Vatican being worth an estimated $15 billion dollars, political analysts are saying that Pope Francis may very well have this election in the bag.

Robert Englund Signs On To Reprise Role as Freddy In ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’ Reboot

Posted on August 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The internet has been abuzz this week with news of New Line Cinema’s reboot of the famous Nightmare on Elm Street series, but one common thread among fans was that they desperately wanted to see horror icon Robert Englund return to reprise the role. According to reports coming directly from New Line Cinema, there is reason for fans to rejoice. Englund has reportedly signed on for a 3-picture deal to return to the silver screen as Freddy Krueger.

“We are so glad that Robert will be back to play Freddy,” said New Line CEO Bob Whomever. “In 2010, we made a new Nightmare film starring someone…I don’t even remember who, but the gist is, fans hated it. They hated him, and they wanted Robert back behind the makeup. Thankfully, that’s not even necessary anymore, as Robert is pushing 80 or whatever, and frankly, he looks just like Kruger did even without the makeup. It’s going to be great.”

Fans have already been rabidly posting to social media websites to show their support for New Line’s wise decision in bringing back their star.

“Frankly, I was pretty well bullshit when I saw that they were rebooting the series again,” said horror fan Ricky Shore. “I mean, the remake sucked, and it is best left forgotten. Technically speaking, even the original isn’t that great, but I have fond memories of it, and I don’t need it to be ruined by Hollywood. They’ve fucked up enough of my childhood, thank you very much.”

In a year filled with sequels, reboots, re-hashings, spin-offs, prequels, and TV shows turned cinema staples, it’s no wonder that New Line is cashing in on the only franchise to over make them real studio money.

“We are so excited to get underway with this project,” said Whomever. “We don’t have a script or a story idea or any of that, but it really doesn’t matter. Wes [Craven] isn’t coming back anyway, and he was the real voice of this series, so we’re just going to pump out some shit, and we know you’ll go see it, and we thank you in advance for it.”

“Frankly, I’m just glad to be doing a film that won’t go straight to DVD,” said Englund, 68. “Its been really hard for me to shake my legacy, to ditch that Freddy character. I’ve done hundreds of films, and they’ve all been pretty well useless, except for this series. Thank God for Nightmare, really. It’s kept me feeling important and useful for all these years, and the fans are just perfect. Here’s hoping that we don’t fuck this up, but if we do, blame New Line. It was there stupid idea in the first place.”

New DEA Leader Chuck Rosenberg Says Weed ‘Not As Dangerous As Heroin,’ Other Things That Are Also Stupid And Obvious

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently appointed DEA leader Chuck Rosenberg says that he won’t admit that marijuana isn’t harmful, because for some reason he “thinks it is,” but did go on record as saying that he believes it’s “probably not as dangerous as heroin.”

In his long list of things that Rosenberg presented before congress, he also mentioned that the sky is generally blue, and that bacon is delicious.

“Sex feels absolutely amazing, and a water keeps you hydrated,” said Rosenberg, presumably. “Also, the North Pole is very cold, and the number 10 follows the number 9. Cheese is made of milk, and chickens lay eggs.”

In a recent study conducted on people who smoke marijuana, 100% of the participants said they found it to be “good,” and most admitted that it was “not harmful.” Several of the people researched happened to have medical degrees and backgrounds in the study on the effects of THC on the human body. Everyone questioned seemed to think that Rosenberg may not be qualified to speak about drugs.

“Has he smoked weed? Has he tried any other drugs?” asked habitual pot smoker Bob Smith. “I mean, he can’t really go on record and talk about drugs if he hasn’t tried them, can he? I’ve never tried skydiving, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on it. I’ll start taking advice from Rosenberg on the day he comes and smokes a giant blunt with me. Then he can go before congress and tell them exactly how harmful weed really is…or isn’t.”

University of New Hampshire To Close; Schools Deems Everything ‘Too Offensive’

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After an internet firestorm was ignited over the University of New Hampshire releasing a “language guide” that lists the word ‘American’ as offensive, it seems as though the entire school system in the Granite State has decided to shut down permanently, finding that it is better to not teach the students at all in such an offensive environment.

“We decided it was best for the students of UNH to not learn anything at all than be forced to sit through classes, walk through campuses, eat school lunches, or attend school events that may be construed as ‘offensive,'” said Dean of Students Geraldine Charles. “The term ‘American’ was found offensive by at least one student, so we made a note of it in our language guide. Then, other students were offended that someone was offended. Then even more students were offended that those first students were offended, and soon, all we had was one big group of angry students who were more focused on being upset by something than learning about anything.”

“According to statistics, at least 1 out of every 2 people find every single post on the internet offensive, whether that be a picture of a cat, or a political statement, or a thought about a recent film,” said Dr. Joseph Thomas, who studies what people find offensive, and their overreactions to everything, at his offices at Cambridge. “Frankly, there is nothing at this point that someone, somewhere, won’t find offensive. And honestly, if we’re getting right down to brass tacks, that to me is pretty damn offensive.”

The University of New Hampshire may not be the only school to close its doors, after schools in New Mexico, Arizona, Delaware, and Georgia have also found that their idiot students may or may not get offended over everyday, casual concepts, words, and ideas, too.

Dentist Who Killed ‘Cecil The Lion’ Seriously Mauled By Rabid Feral Cats

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota –

Dr. Walter Palmer, DDS, the man who allegedly paid $50,000 to kill a protected and collared lion known as ‘Cecil’ in Zimbabwe and has since become the most hated man on the internet, was reportedly attacked and mauled by a group of feral cats as he was attempting to enter his Minnesota home.

The cats, which authorities say were possibly rabid, apparently followed Palmer for over 40 blocks as he walked home from a local restaurant. For the last block, Palmer was reportedly seen running and screaming for his life.

“I saw him just down the road, and he was running and screaming, ‘Help! Help! The cats are attacking! They’re coming for me!’,” said local resident Marlene Stuart. “I saw behind him probably 30 or 40 disgusting, mangy cats, all of them clearly flea-ridden and malnourished, using up all of their last little bits of energy chasing him down. I’m sure I could have ran after them and shooed them away, but hell, that’s none of my business.”

Palmer was taken to a local hospital where he was put on life support.

“Those cats, they certainly did a number on him,” said Dr. Geoff Fate. “Frankly, I’m surprised he’s alive. Those cats certainly knew who he was. They could probably smell lion blood on him, and it’s clear they were out for retribution.”

“Although many of the cats were more than likely rabid, the city has decided to not euthanize them,” said police chief Randy Moore. “Normally, a rabid animal is automatically put down after attacking a human, but in this case, we feel it’s possible that the attack was justified.”

According to doctors and police, the cats may have been tracking Palmer for upwards of 40 hours, with hopes of wearing him down until he collapsed from exhaustion. Several eyewitnesses say that it looked as though the group of tough cats were attempting to behead and skin Palmer with their tiny claws, but they can’t be certain.

“Damn good thing cat’s don’t have opposable thumbs,” said Stuart. “If they did, they’d have surely shot him with a crossbow.”

KKK To Add New Chapter For African-Americans

Posted on July 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

In what many bigots are calling “disgusting” and “unbelievable,” the Ku Klux Klan has announced today that they will be starting a new chapter for African-Americans, with hopes that they can “branch out” to people who might not have previously thought of the Klan as a go-to club.

“It’s about time that us whites in the Klan opened our arms to our nigger brothers,” said Grand Wizard Joseph Smith. “Over the years our numbers have dwindled to the point of near-joke levels. Even those skinheads and neo-Nazi guys have more members than we do, and that’s just not right.”

Grand Wizard Smith says that if they get enough “negroes” to join up, they may also expand their membership to “spics and Jews,” too.

“Everyone deserves an opportunity to join one of the oldest, least-respected organizations in the United States,” said Smith. “We only hope that them blacks can overcome their pre-conceived notions of who we are, and come see for themselves. To celebrate, on August 1st we are having a big ol’ barbeque, with plenty of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape Kool-Aid to welcome our black brothers.”

The ‘Disturbing’ Images FBI Investigators Found on Subway Spokesman Jared Fogle’s Computer

Posted on July 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ZIONSVILLE, Indiana –

Subway Restaurants recently cut ties with their longtime spokesman Jared Fogle after FBI raided his Zionsville, Indiana home, confiscating computers, DVDs, and other media devices. The investigation into Fogle comes after an executive in his Jared Foundation was arrested this past May. Although police and FBI investigators have said that Fogle has not been charged with any crime, what they found on his computers, they say, was “extremely disturbing” and “shocking.”

“Everyone knows Jared from his many Subway commercials, and we all know the story of how he lost tons of weight, and kept it off, by eating Subway sandwiches,” says investigator Ronald King. “Sadly, it appears that Mr. Fogle has kept a deep, dark secret. Although we didn’t find anything illegal in his possession, what we did find were many pictures that will certainly shock Subway restaurants, Mr. Fogle’s family and friends, and his fans.”

King says that investigators discovered thousands of images, videos, and stories relating to cakes, pies, desserts, and other “junk food.” Many of the visuals were of half-eaten bags of potato chips, greasy cheeseburgers dripping with delicious fats, and several videos that simply showed people eating pizza or other fatty, yet scrumptious, foods.

“It’s clear that Fogle has a serious problem, and he was dealing with it the only way he knew how,” said King. “I, personally, find it admirable that he was able to constantly be viewing these terrible, artery-clogging images, and still maintain his slightly wimpy but no-longer-fat figure. These excessive images of food were beyond terrifying. They bordered on obsession, and I hope now that Fogle can finally just go out and get himself a damn burger and fries without Subway breathing down his neck.”

Below are several images that investigators say they discovered on Fogle’s many, many hard drives and burned DVDs. Be warned, the images are graphic in nature, and may leave you feeling extremely hungry.

Food

Stephen Hawking Allegedly Seen Walking In Secret Security Footage

Posted on May 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

World-renowned physicist and one of the smartest men in the world, Stephen Hawking, who has been in a wheelchair for most of his life, suffering from ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, was reportedly spotted recently getting up from his wheelchair and casually walking across the room to a refridgerator, where he grabbed a bottle of beer, chugged it, and then returned to his chair.

“I saw the footage on camera, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Cambridge University security officer Phil Rogers. “I’ve known Mr. Hawking for years, and I just didn’t think it was possible. You know, though, I wouldn’t put it past his big brain to have come up with a cure for ALS years ago, but he stays in the chair now because it’s his gimmick. No doubt the ladies love it.”

An Oscar-nominated film was released last year based around the life of Hawking, titled The Theory of Everything. It chronicled his life as a young man, his loves, and his affliction with ALS that left him paralyzed completely. Hawking has been talking via computer for the better part of 3 decades.

“I think it’s possible he could be faking it, but I guess at this point, why would he do that?” said Dr. Grover Sentinel, a professor at Cambridge. “He could do anything he wants. He has one of, it not the most, brilliant mind that there is today. He understands things that no one living ever could. If he can walk, well – you know what, more power to him.”

For the moment, Hawking is remaining quiet about the possible existence of any footage showing him walking or moving on his own. When reached for comment, his publicist said that they would “not discuss such nonsense.”

Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes

Posted on May 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

$Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes$

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

In a bid to give more focus to specific requirements of education that they feel are most important, officials in the Alabama school district in Huntsville say they are working to phase out math and science classes, to focus on subjects that they say ‘matter the most.’

“Our students have an abysmal time, as do most students throughout the country, reading and writing,” said school superintendent Russell Davis. “If we remove math and science, as well as gym and after-school sports, from the students’ curriculum, it will give us more time to focus on teaching them proper grammar and language skills.”

Testing scores in English and grammar, as well as reading comprehension, have been done throughout the state of Alabama for over a decade, declining year-over-year. With math scores staying steadily in the ‘average’ area, school officials began making the necessary steps to eliminate what they consider ‘extra work.’

“It’s time we got rid of math. Most of our kids are proficient enough at basic math, and since they’ll all end up working at some fast food joint anyway, all they need to know how to do is make change,” said school principal George Jackson. “But, they’ll never be able to get a job at all if they can’t read the application and write their name down correctly. It’s a win-win for these stupid kids.”

Other states will be watching closely to see the results of the new curriculum in Alabama, with a specific focus on future test scores.

“I’m so glad that Joey isn’t going to be bringing home math anymore,” said Marsha Goldsmith, mother of 12-year-old Joey. “I don’t know shit about math, and I barely have time after getting home from work at Burger King to figure out his damn problems. It’ll be much easier just showing him how to conjugate a verb.”