Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURLINGTON, Vermont –

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

Monica Lewinsky Says She Is Voting For Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former presidential intern and the world’s second most famous presidential lay, Monica Lewinsky, has gone on record saying that she will be voting for her old flame’s wife, Hillary Clinton, in the next election.

Lewinsky, who is a staunch anti-bullying activist, says she couldn’t possibly vote for Trump, because he’s “the biggest bully” she’s ever seen.

“I’ve spent years trying to stop bullying, in life and online, with children, teens, and adults, so what kind of message would it send if I voted for Donald Trump?” asked Lewinsky. “I understand that there are some weird ramifications of me voting for my former lover’s wife, but you know, those were different times. That dress has long since been burned, if you know what I mean.”

Lewinsky says that she had originally thought about voting for Jill Stein, but Stein’s anti-vaccine sentiment made her think better.

“It’s definitely a woman’s place to be in the Oval Office, behind the resolute desk, and I don’t just mean on her knees,” said Lewinsky.

Bill Clinton Takes LSD Hit Back Stage At DNC

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

It may not have been obvious to everyone, but Bill Clinton was higher than a kite during his wife’s “legendary” DNC speech Thursday evening. The former president was reportedly seen taking large hits of LSD back stage before joining Hillary Clinton at the podium, where he spent several minutes spacing out, and then playing with balloons.

“I have never seen anyone drop so much at once,” said a Clinton campaign staffer, who wished to remain anonymous. “He looked right at me, offered me some, and I had to take a pass. So he just took a whole bunch himself. It was intense. We tried to stop him, but you know, he’s pretty ornery for an old man.”

Hillary Clinton appeared to ignore her husband completely while he stared at confetti being dropped from the ceiling, and while he spent several minutes playing with balloons, including carrying a large one around on stage before kicking it into the crowd.

“This night is fantastic, you’re all fantastic, and everyone is so fucking awesome, man,” Bill Clinton reportedly said to reporters after the event had died down. “I don’t know how you’re all doing that swirly motion thing with your eyes, but it’s tripping me out in so many sick ways.”

Klan Says ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Black People Kill People’

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

klan

FORTH WORTH, Texas –

Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.

The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.

“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”

The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.

New Implant Can Alert You Via Text Message When Your Spouse Is Cheating

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A new microchip developed by NASA researchers will soon be released to market, which will allow people to keep tabs on their spouse, and receive text messages when they are cheating.

“The technology works on perspiration and saliva,” said creator Martin Deen, of NASA. “When the chip is implanted, secretly, by the spouse of a cheater, the implant will automatically pair with the person’s body, recognizing their DNA. When the chip notices that another person’s sweat, saliva, semen, blood, or other bodily fluid is recognized, then it automatically sends a text message to a programmed number as proof that the carrier is, indeed, cheating.”

So far, researchers have sold about 200 units to women and men who expect that their partner is cheating, and the results have been wonderful.

“The offending spouse never even knew how they got caught, but in the end, it always catches them red handed,” said Deen.

Deen says that the chip will work best if implanted into somewhere such as the penis or vagina, for maximum effect.

Herbal Supplements To Be Banned From Markets By 2017

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A daily supplement or two has become routine for many Americans, but a report is highlighting how these substances can sometimes be harmful. A bill before congress is pushing for anything not falling under the regulation of the Food and Drug Administration to be banned.

The movement to ban herbal supplements is based an extensive report by Consumer Reports, showing how producers of dietary supplements face little regulation from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and why that can be dangerous for those taking supplements. Supplements can have side effects, and retailers and pharmacists may not understand how supplements can interact with a person’s medication, the report said. Additionally, since supplements are regulated as food, the ingredients do not have to be proved safe and effective in the same manner prescription drugs are by the FDA.

Dr. Donna Seger, the director of the Tennessee Poison Center, said that many people do not think about supplements’ potential consequences on their health. “An estimated 23,000 people every year end up in emergency rooms after taking supplements, and there’s no real proof they do any good whatsoever.”

Others say this is just another instance of “big pharma” buying off politicians. Herbalist Tray Reed says,“It’s not supplements that do they harm, it’s these drug companies. They pump you full of a drug that costs hundreds of dollars when some unpatented supplements would do the trick for a fraction of the price. Then you have to take another drug to fix the side effects of the first drug. It’s a scam.”

Ben & Jerry To Stop Making Ice Cream In Protest After Bernie Sanders Backs Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURLINGTON, Vermont –

Ice cream giants Ben & Jerry’s has said that they will immediately halt production of all of their ice cream and products until senator Bernie Sanders recants his endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

“We have supported Sanders since the beginning, and there is no better candidate to run this country in this election,” said company spokesman George Rodgers. “With this giant upset, we have decided that no one, Republican or Democrat, will get to enjoy our delicious ice cream anymore, until an agreement can be reached that Clinton supports Bernie in this election, and not the other way around.”

Thousands of people have been seen in grocery and convenience stores around the country, loading up on as much ice cream as possible before there is none available.

“There’s no way in hell that Clinton ever supports Sanders, not on your life,” said Sanders supporter Michael Glenn. “I love Sanders, but damnit, I love ice cream even more. And there is none better than Phish Food.”

According to suppliers, there is about 2 weeks worth of ice cream already produced and en route to retailers, but that all of the company’s 4 distribution centers have already been closed.

Reagan’s Would Be Assassin John Hinkley Jr. Released From Psych Hospital

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former president Ronald Regan had an assassination attempt made on his life in 1981 by John Hinkley Jr., who claimed at the time of his arrest that he was trying to kill the president to impress actress Jodi Foster, who he had become enamored with after seeing her in the film Taxi Driver.

Hinkley was released from his psych hospital today, and is now free and clear to walk the streets. Empire News met up with Hinkley upon his release, and he was decidedly chipper and happy to be living as a free man again.

“I am so excited to see what the world is like now, outside of those four walls,” said Hinkley. “I understand that we have a black president now, which is crazy to me. I’ve also heard, already, that there is a woman running for president. Apparently a lot has changed.”

Hinkley says that he has no intentions of assassinating any other presidents, now that Reagan has already died.

“From what I’ve read about current candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, it seems that there is likely an assassination to happen in the near future if he’s elected, but it certainly won’t be by me.” Hinkley seemed excited about the prospects of life outside of the hospital, and will be sent to live with his mother.

Actress and director Jodi Foster says that was never impressed by Hinkley’s attempt on the president’s life, and that she hopes he will find a new muse to impress if he decides to visit the movies again.

Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

Witnesses At RNC Say One of Trump’s Daughters Assaulted Heidi Cruz, Security Removed Both From Convention

Posted on July 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

According to several rumors coming out of the RNC, one of Trump’s daughters was seen assaulting Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, during a break at the Republican National Convention, prompting security to remove them both from the floor.

According to mainstream media, security was asked to remove Heidi Cruz from the floor for her own safety after the crowd began booing and jeering her husband during his speech. Witnesses at the event, though, say that’s not the reason at all.

“It wasn’t just Heidi that was taken away, it was also one of the Trump girls as well,” said reporter Mike Kennedy. “I was too far away to hear what they were arguing about, but Ms. Trump was definitely angry, and she spit right in Heidi Cruz’s face. Cruz actually reached back and slapped her across the face, and Trump pushed her to the floor. It all happened in a matter of seconds before security swept them away.”

Ted Cruz has refused to honor his commitment to back Republican nominee Donald Trump, and many are saying that the spat between families is what may have caused the assault on the RNC floor.

“I was standing only a couple feet away, and it was vicious,” said a man who was there, but who wished to remain anonymous. “Trump had definitely been drinking. To be honest, I don’t know which daughter it was. His entire family looks the same. Sort of orange with ugly hair. It could have been Donald in drag for all I know. Anyway, Trump scolded Heidi Cruz for not helping to support Donald Trump as he received, officially, the nomination, and Heidi yelled back. It was intense. I only wish I had gotten video.”

Mainstream news outlets have yet to pick up on the story, and most are assuming Trump and Cruz are working to have it covered up, as it negatively effects both of their families. Neither Donald Trump or Ted Cruz could be reached for comment.