Division One Athletes To Begin Receiving Annual Salary Based On School’s Revenue

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The National Collegiate Athletic Association has announced an unprecedented change to its rules, when the organization officially announced today that all division one athletes will be paid a salary based on the revenue created by their respected sports and schools.

The NCAA Labor Revenue Act (NCAA-LRA) will go into effect January 1, 2016. This is huge news for college athletes involved with the top college programs in their sport. For example, basketball players for the University of Kentucky could bring home as much as $50,000 for one season of basketball, according to NCAA-LRA Chairman Bob O’Dell.

“We believe this is a fair arrangement. The top programs, such as Ohio State, Alabama, Kentucky, Louisville, Oregon, and Notre Dame, just to name a few, bring in millions of dollars in revenue every single year based on the performance of their sports programs. This is a new age, and we must give back to the student-athletes what they put in,” O’Dell said.

Many division-1 athletes have fought for years with the belief that they should see some of the money that they help bring in to their respective schools. The University of Louisville basketball program, which is endorsed by ADIDAS, has been the number-one revenue earner for college basketball for several years running. The money earned by the program went straight to the university, used for whatever use it deemed necessary.

Kentucky head coach John Calipari says that it is about time. “We have technically been paying these kids out of our pocket for several years. We appreciate the fact that our boosters and alumni have made sure our basketball players have been driving around in nice cars and sporting bling, but the university itself should have to pay also,” Calipari said. “They make millions, and it’s time they shared the wealth.

Man Arrested For Assault After Filming Sex Acts With Stuffed Animals

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Theodore Ruxpin of Brooklyn, New York, was arrested by detectives of the New York Police Department’s Special Victims Unit after posting a video of himself having sex with his daughter’s stuffed animals.

NYPD spokesperson Juanita Cruz said that Ruxpin videotaped himself having sex with five different stuffed animals, and sent the video to several friends via email. One of the friends reportedly sent the video to police. New York state law says that any sexual act committed on a stuffed animal marketed toward children is strictly prohibited, and that offenders are to be charged with rape.

“The stuffed animals which Mr. Ruxpin sexually assaulted in the videos included a Hug-N-Oink Peppa Pig, a Let’s Imagine Elmo, a Tickled-Pink Minnie Mouse, a Puppy Surprise beagle, and a Disney Princesses Elsa plush from the movie Frozen,” Cruz announced. “The last of which was the most erotically disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force.”

“In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous,” said Detective Olivia Benson, of the NYPD Special Victims crime unit. “This is not something to be taken lightly, and here in the state of New York, we seek out those who are sick and twisted enough to commit these crimes, and bring them before the court of law. We will not tolerate sexual misconduct by any means, especially when the victim is totally incapable of consent, such as in the case of Peppa Pig, Minnie Mouse, and the others.”

Ruxpin is currently being held on $10,000 bail and faces up to 5 years for each object sexually assaulted, which adds up to a possible 25-year sentence in prison.

Walmart Sells To Chinese Investment Group For Over $500B

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Sam Walton founded Walmart on July 2, 1952 after working for retail giant J.C. Penny for several years. Walton died in 1992 of bone cancer just as his franchise had become one of the biggest in the entire world, however the company would remain in the family the entire time. Today, though, it was announced that the company is being sold to a group of Chinese investors, the Chine Investment Group, better known as CIG.

CIG, led by CEO and president of financial operations, Bao Chang, purchased Walmart from the wealthy Walton family for a world record $535 billion USD. The deal also includes Sam’s Club, Walmart Express, although Walmart International currently, and curiously, remains off the deal.

In an early morning press conference, including both Chang and S. Robson Walton, Chang announced that the store would remain just as it has for several years, with the exception of a name change.

“It is with great honor that we purchase and take over this great franchise establishment, the service to customers worldwide will remain just as dependable,” Chang said. “We will be changing the name of the legendary store to ‘China-Direct’, being that most products sold in the store are, indeed, made in China. This is a great day for the country of China, as well as the shoppers of the United States.”

Today there are over 11,000 Walmart stores located throughout 27 countries, with the number growing every year since the company was founded. Chang insists that the name change will not affect those who shop at the store, though.

“Everyone knows that China makes a great product. If anything, the name change will generate more respect for the company, therefore making it more successful. When people shop, they want to see that little sticker that says ‘Made in China’ and nothing will be sold in our stores which isn’t made in China. We must give the people, especially the American people, the product they truly wish for and deserve.”

Lamar Odom Pawns 2010 NBA Championship Ring For $200, Never Returns To Pay On Loan

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

Lamar Odom recently pawned his 2010 NBA championship ring to a pawnbroker in Burbank, California. Jeffrey Newman, who owns and operates ‘Effin Jeffin’s Pawn Shop’ began displaying the ring under his glass top counter, along with its price tag of $10,000.

Newman said that Odom himself walked in on a typical Wednesday afternoon in August, and wanted to pawn the ring for $200. “It was crazy. He just came in and said he wanted to pawn the ring and did not want to have to pay more than $250 to get it back. So we set it up so that he was given a $200 loan, and he never came back during the 90 day period, so I am officially the owner now,” Newman said.

Odom has been the center of controversy in the past couple of years after a rocky relationship with Khloe Kardashian, who he married in September of 2009. After months and months of rumors that Lamar was addicted to crack cocaine, Khloe divorced Odom in December of 2014. Many say his life spun out of control at that point. He signed a deal with a professional basketball team in Spain, where he averaged only one point per game. He quit after only two games played.

Newman says he really doesn’t want the ring to sell right away. “I put a tag of ten-grand on it because I think it won’t sell for that much, and it is a great conversation piece. I have had many people try to buy it for up to five grand though – and I just refuse to budge on that price.”

Asked whether or not he would allow Odom to buy the ring back, he said he would, but not for what it was pawned for. “I’d sell it back to him for $2,000 if he walked through that door right now. Not a penny less,” Newman replied.

Robin Williams Alive? Several People Say They’ve Spotted Actor In Australia

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SYDNEY, Australia –

In the last two weeks, several residents and tourists claim they have seen legendary actor and comedian Robin Williams in various parts of Sydney, Australia. One man claims that he even talked to Williams, who is best known for roles as the Genie in Aladdin or as the feisty Mrs. Doubtfire.

Carmine DeSpargio, a tourist from Albany, New York, said that he saw a man who looked just like Williams while on vacation recently at a Sydney, Australia beach.

“I kept telling my wife, ‘that guy looks just like Robin Williams!’ She told me I was crazy,” DeSpargio said. “So I walked over to this guy, just trying to come up with some kind of small talk, I asked him if he knew if it was going to rain or not tomorrow, and he said he didn’t think so. I knew then it was him. He answered me in one of his trademark fake accents, and while we chatted, he laughed a lot. After that, I was 100% sure it was him. Granted, I had already drank about 5 or 6 Fosters, but even when I was sober, I was still pretty sure.”

Pictures from several people have begun to surface online, claiming Williams is alive and well and living in, or at least visiting, Sydney. This brings back into question the official police report, in which detectives noted that at the site of Williams’ reported suicide, they were not 100% sure if the deceased body was actually that of the comedian, or of someone else.

Conspiracy theorists, such as Armand Goldtree, say that no DNA evidence was ever supplied to prove it was the body of Williams that police found dead in his home on August 11, 2014, making the case “rather suspicious,” according to Goldtree.

“Detectives on the scene were not convinced it was Williams, and somewhere along the way, it was decided it was him, but no official record shows who made that call, which is usually made by detectives on the scene. And they definitely did not make that call,” Goldtree said. “In my professional skeptic opinion, Robin Williams has joined the ranks of other famous celebrity comedians who have successfully tricked the world into thinking they had passed. If Andy Kaufman, John Candy, and Chris Farley can do it, so can Robin Williams.”

RobinWilliams — Is Robin Williams alive, and living in Australia?

McDonald’s To Remove Fries From Menu, Plans To Replace Them With Apple Slices

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s President and CEO, Don Thompson, announced earlier today that the fast food giant will be retiring their world-famous French fries from the menu, and replacing them with apple slices.

Thompson, in a statement released to the Associated Press, announced that in order to make meals healthier to millions of customers, that it is time to remove the tasty, yet greasy, fries – no how many customers may love them.

“We know that people love our fries, they are the best around by far. But our customers need to be healthier. It is time for us to stand up and make a change. Starting in the spring, nobody will be able to get fries from McDonald’s, so if you want them, you better come get them now,” Thompson said. “Thankfully, you are able to stock up and save them for later! McDonald’s fries get cold, but never lose any flavor.”

A medium order of fries from McDonald’s consists of approximately 350 calories, 19 grams of fat, and 45.4 grams of carbohydrates. To those who are conscious of their health, such as Mary Jarboe of Chicago, Illinois, the change is sad but one she says must be made.

“Americans are too fat. Every time I go to a McDonald’s to eat, I see obese customers with a huge pile of fries. That, added to a huge burger or two, it is just a heart attack waiting to happen,” Jarboe said. “Personally, I’m happy to see them go. I hear they’re being replaced with apple slices in all menu items – kind of like the option they give with the Happy Meals now. Whenever I go to McDonald’s, I always order a salad, anyway, so I say no big loss!”

Many customers are very unhappy with the decision, such as longtime loyal customer Gilbert Naismith of Huntsville, Alabama. “I think it’s absurd. Yeah I might be fat, and maybe I shouldn’t be eating the damn things, but God dammit, it is my choice as a tax payer and a free American to eat any greasy, shitty, heart attack causing food that I want! I have the right to freedom of eating whatever I want. It is in the constitution. By God, I want my damn Freedom Fries!” Naismith said.

Company representatives say the fries will be removed from the menu by the end of February.

Inmate In Critical Condition After Being Stabbed By Charles Manson

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CORCORAN, California –

A man’s life hangs in the balance after he reportedly tried to steal a box of ramen noodles from the infamous Charles Manson at the California State Prison in Corcoran, California.

Warden Connie Gipson says the incident happened this morning and that Raymond Garcia, 39, from Los Altos, California, is in critical condition. “It seems that Garcia attempted to steal a box of Manson’s ramen noodles, which he had stashed under his bunk. Mr. Manson caught Garcia and proceeded to stab him with a lollipop which had been sucked down to a sharp point. He then stabbed Mr. Garcia in the neck twice, and in the abdomen once. Garcia remains in critical condition at this time,” Gipson said in a statement.

If Garcia dies, Manson would be charged with murder and, ironically, is the first time he has actually committed an act of violence on another human being using his own two hands.

Warden Gipson says that Manson and Garcia had become friends, and Manson often drew pictures for Garcia to send home to his family. Corrections officers at the facility believe that Manson did not make good on a deal in which Garcia fronted him the box of ramen noodles in exchange for a hand-drawn family portrait, which Manson never completed.

Gipson said this was the first time in her career that she recalls an inmate being stabbed by a lollipop. “It seems bizarre, but it happened, so we have removed all lollipops and suckers from the commissary so that this does not happen again,” Gipson said.

Man Beheads Neighbor For Leaving His Dog Out In The Cold

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Donald White, 38, drove to a Louisville Metro Police Department substation, walked in, and told officers that he had just beheaded his next door neighbor, Alexander Baker, 49, because he had been leaving his dog to freeze outside over night in sub-zero temperatures.

White told police the dog would cry and bark all night, every night, and that the colder it would get, the more upset he became about the issue. White had reported Baker to animal services several times, who reportedly did nothing about the issue.

White’s girlfriend, Miranda Anderson, told WAVE-3 reporter Michelle Nelson that police only talked to Baker once, and it never changed anything.

“Donnie must have called them twenty or thirty times. They came once, told him to bring the dog inside, and to keep the noise down. He did it that one night, then every day and night afterwards the dog stayed outside,” Anderson said as she began to weep. “It wasn’t the noise that was bothering us, it was the cruelty. I’m sorta sorry for what Donnie did to the man, but you have to understand, the pain that dog endured was torture for us. We are dog lovers, and we talked about even taking the dog several times. I wish we had.”

When police arrived at Baker’s home, they found his body near a bloody machete in the living room, and his head in the bathroom toilet. The dog, a pit bull mix, has been taken into custody by Louisville Metro Animal Services, where it will be put up for adoption.

White says that he feels he made the right decision, and that he is glad that the dog has been taken in by a shelter, where it can get the care it needs.

“Every night, I’d look through my window, and see that beautiful dog shivering and freezing out there. Chained up and fenced in,” said White. “The night I went over to talk to Baker, it was -3 degrees outside. I just wanted to ask him to please take the dog inside, but when I got over there, he laughed in my face, and told me to ‘go screw.’ He said ‘Dogs have fur for a reason, shithead.’ I lost it. He had some hunting gear right by the door, and I pushed my way in, saw a machete, and I just cut his head clean off. One fell swoop. To be honest, it felt like the right thing to do.”

White’s Lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that White should not face criminal charges. “What he did was technically self-defense, for someone who could not properly defend themselves – in this case, a sad, cold, puppy. We expect he will not be sentenced for the murder.”

Experts Say Smartphones Causing Dramatic Increase In Permanent Blindness Among Americans

Posted on January 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Dr. Henry Lee Sen-Su, a researcher and doctor in the field of ophthalmology, is one of the leading experts on blindness in the world. Sen-Su and says that people are killing their eyesight, and within the next fifteen to twenty years, nearly thirty percent of Americans will be inflicted with some degree of permanent blindness.

“The average American smartphone owner checks their phone over 150 time in one day. While some do not spend much time on theirs, many look at their smartphones up to one thousand times in a day, an alarming and extremely dangerous routine,” Dr. Sen-Su said. “This, in my opinion, is just as much of a problem as the obesity epidemic here. It is my educated and guaranteed expert opinion that in the next fifteen to twenty years, over one-quarter of the nations adults, age 40 and older, will become legally blind. All because they can’t resist checking their news feed or checking for whatever bizarre news topics or celebrity is trending. Something must be done, and it needs to be done quickly.”

According to Dr. Sen-Su, the screens that make up our smartphones, whether it be iPhones or a Samsung Galaxy, are becoming “too good,” causing a mild retina burn whenever you look at them. “Thank God that the teeny-tiny phone trend is dying,” said Sen-Su. “The larger phones coming back means slightly less eye strain, which was only compounding the problem.”

Maxwell Picholucini, a spokesperson for NABA, the National Association of Blindness Awareness, says that the organization has set up an agenda to promote the act of personal and vocal interaction to substitute for text messaging.

“The facts are in, and the research has proven that our phones are causing harm to our eyesight. People need to not rely on texting so much, and start making calls and actually talking to each other on their phones. Burning your retinas with your smart phone is not very smart,” Picholucini said. “We at NABA are promoting a slow-down in technology, and are also looking at even going back to older pieces, such as fax machines and rotary phones. Saving people from going blind is our top priority.”

Man Who Had World’s First Horse Penis Transplant Signs Deal To Star In Series Of Adult Films

Posted on January 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Nicolas Waterbury, the recipient of the world’s first ever horse-to-human penis transplant in July of 2014, made news again earlier this week when he signed a deal with Elite Adult Entertainment, an up-and-coming giant in the adult film industry.

Owner and CEO of EA Entertainment, Ron Wetsherbed, has issued a statement regarding the deal.

“We are very, very excited to get this deal completed. We had been keeping in touch with Mr. Waterbury since his surgery, and have been following his progress. He has officially been cleared as having a completely healthy, normally functioning penis. Something that is music to our ears,” Wetsherbed said.

The deal, worth $2 million, consists of a series of ten films in which Waterbury will co-star with popular adult film actresses who will be announced at a later date.

Wetsherbed said that it is a tremendous and honorable opportunity for his company to become a pioneer of sorts. “This is a first, not just in the adult film industry, but a man with a real horse penis is huge news. Having that man in our films? It is absolutely priceless. It is something everyone will want to see, whether they like pornography or not, and whether they admit it or not. It is one of those things you just have to see to believe, and I can say I have seen it and just let me say, he is going to be a very, very popular man by the end of this year. Mark my words.”