Miley Cyrus Hospitalized After Violent Overdose

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Superstar singer Miley Cyrus, on a break between tour dates, has been hospitalized after an apparent overdose on what is believed to be a near fatal combination of sugar and caffeine, publicist Michelle Plasko revealed to the Associated Press this morning.

“Miley needs help, and we feel that coming forward with this information was something we needed to do in order to reach out to her fans, friends, and family,” Plasko stated. “Sure, she dabbled with recreational drugs for a couple of years, but what kid doesn’t try some pot growing up? She’s quit all that stuff, but now, she’s addicted to candy, soda, and coffee. I mean, she eats so many Sour Patch Kids each day, she’s starting to lose sensation in her tongue.”

Earlier this year, Cyrus cancelled several tour dates and made several trips to hospitals for what was mostly described as bad reactions to medications, such as antibiotics. When asked if those episodes were actually related to Cyrus’s sugar abuse, Plasko stated that “the past was the past.”

“We would like to focus on today and the future,” said Plasko. “Previous episodes may or may not have been related to the fact that she drinks 5 or 6 2-liter bottles of RC Cola every day. I can’t comment on that. What I will say is that Miley is a very young woman, and the lifestyle has really caught up to her extremely fast. We ask everyone to please be understanding as we look for way to pull her from the deep, dark hole on confections that she has put herself in.”

When asked if Cyrus is planning to continue her touring and other artistic endeavors, Cyrus’ father, Billy Ray, replied by saying the artist plans on fulfilling every commitment she has made.

“Miley will make good on every tour date that is planned,” said Billy Ray Cyrus. “Yes, she needs help for her fiendish ways, but it is more important that she gives her fans what they want, first and foremost. If she needs to bump a couple lines of Pixy-Stix to make it through a concert, then that’s what will have to happen. When all of this is over, then we can try to talk her into getting help. But for now, all that matters is her performance and living up to those standards.”

Actor Danny Trejo Catches Robbery Suspect, Elderly Woman Says ‘He Is My Hero’

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

OAKLAND, California –

70-year-old actor Danny Trejo is being called a hero today, after reportedly catching a man who had robbed an 86-year-old woman of her life savings.

Trejo is a very well-known method actor, mostly known for portraying villains and anti-heroes in action films, but is loved by movie-goers and has a very large cult following.

After parking his car at a Ralph’s grocery store in Oakland, Trejo said he heard a woman screaming for help. “I looked up and saw an older woman waving her cane in the air and yelling for help. She pointed to a man running to a black pickup truck, then I noticed he had a woman’s purse as he was running,” Trejo told an Oakland police officer.

According to the police report, the assailant reportedly jumped into his truck and took off, so Trejo jumped back into his 2014 Bentley and followed the man. As the two sped through the streets of Oakland, a police officer spotted the car chase and took pursuit. After tailing the assailant for several miles, Trejo finally rear-ended the perpetrator’s truck, a stunt he had learned in his years of acting in action films.

Trejo got out of his vehicle and pulled the man out of his truck, wrestling him to the ground as police arrived on the scene. Police handcuffed both the assailant and Trejo at first, and placed the two in separate squad cars. Officer Larry Ragsdale, first on the scene, told Empire News that after questioning each of the men, it had become obvious what had happened.

“Mr. Trejo acted as a vigilante, and caught the man who had robbed an elderly woman, who had kept her life savings in her purse. The woman had over $14,000 in her bag. Although we do not condone citizens acting in such a manner, we determined that Mr. Trejo was only acting like a vigilante, and was not really purporting to be one, so we decided not to charge him with any crimes. Plus, I mean look at the guy – you can tell he’s one badass S.O.B. I know I wouldn’t get on the wrong side of Danny Trejo. No way in hell I was booking him.”

Edith Marie Carlton, the 86-year-old victim in the mugging, told Empire News that Trejo was like an angel. “God bless that man! I had everything I own in that purse, because I don’t believe in using a bank. I always just keep all my money on me. He is my hero. I learned my lesson, though, to leave the house with only the money I intend to use,” Carlton said. When asked if she recognized Trejo from films, she said she did.

“I think I’ve seen him playing a bad guy. Who can tell, right?” said Carlton. “All those bad people in the movies, they look the same to me. I don’t normally watch the violent pictures. At any rate, all I can say is – never judge a book by its cover!” she stated as she laughed.

The robbery suspect, who was charged with grand theft and resisting arrest, was said to be beaming with happiness during his booking process. “Did you guys hear? I got my ass kicked by Machete!” He reportedly told everyone, excitedly. Trejo refused comment at this time.

Risk Of Exploding Gas Tanks In Vehicles Prompts Biggest Product Safety Recall In History

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOKYO, Japan –

The World Automobile And Motor Corporation is requesting that all users of social media share and relay its message regarding a massive recall on all cars that run on unleaded gasoline. The announcement is the biggest product safety recall in history, as it has issued a statement warning that almost all models of cars are equipped with malfunctioning gas tanks, which could cause dangerous explosions if ignored.

WAMC spokesperson Yoshida Kakaruda said in a statement that the issue concerns a weakening rubber valve in the fuel delivery compartment of all gas tanks.

“Due to several fiery incidents, we at the World Automobile and Motor Corporation are issuing a recall on all makes and models of vehicles that run on unleaded gasoline,” Kakaruda said.

Just last week, a 2004 Toyota Camry owned by Abdul Muhammad, 32, of Waco, Texas exploded in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven, causing the death of Muhammad and a passenger, and causing extensive damage to the convenience store itself. Rahim Duhfur, 45, owner of the impacted 7-Eleven, said in a television interview that he feared for his life when the explosion occurred. “I believe Allah, he come for me, to take me home to, how you say, big palace in the sky. I feel fear of Allah when things go boom,” Duhfur commented.

Spokesperson Kakaruda made it a point to ask all users of social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, to assist in relaying the urgent recall notice. “We ask all Americans to spread the word, and to share via social media and also all media outlets. There are millions of vehicles in use in North America alone. We request that all individuals who own a vehicle please call our safety and recall telephone number, (318) 947-9586. A representative will assist you, and let you know where your automobile can be taken for a free repair” Kakaruda said.

The provided number, (318) 947-9586, is the WAMC Safety and Recall Information hotline, and is based in the United States.

Idaho Man Wins $23 Million Lottery, Tells Wife He Is Leaving Her On Live Television

Posted on January 22, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ARCO, Idaho –

Have you ever witnessed something while watching live television that makes you ask yourself, “Did that really happen?“. Well, viewers of the KTVB Mid-Morning news experienced a truly bizarre, awkward case of the aforementioned scenario this morning.

Bill Gustafson, 44, and his wife, 43-year-old Naomi, of a humble small town named Arco, Idaho, were jumping for joy last night just after the WRKG News ended with the weekly drawing of the Super-Six Idaho Lottery. All six numbers matched the single row of digits on the crumpled up and mustard-stained one-dollar lottery ticket Bill had purchased at a quiet little convenience store called Grub, Gas & Go.

Mr. Gustafson reportedly called the lottery office just before the excited couple headed to Boise, and told them to have his check ready, that they would be there in three hours, probably less. As the couple arrived, waiting in anticipation at the scene was KTVB News field reporter Michelle Clark, along with her cameraman.

Gustafson and his wife walked in and briefly met with Idaho Lottery spokesperson Stella Marie Johanson. Johanson then proceeded to ask the couple if they would mind going on live television, where she would then present the ceremonial ‘big check‘. The couple agreed excitedly.

It was on live TV that things took a really awkward turn. Just after Gustafson was presented the over-sized check, Clark asked him what the couple planned to do with their big winnings. “Well, first of all I’m gonna divorce my fat ass, bitch wife! Hell, I don’t know why she’s still around anyway. She loves Ronald McDonald more than she loves me!”

Stunned by the announcement, Clark then laughed as if she was waiting for Mr. Gustafson to do the same, or offer a punchline. He never did. Neither did Mrs. Gustafson, who turned beet red. Mrs. Gustafson then smacked her husband across the face, which led to him beating his wife with the over-sized $23 million check. In the control room, KTVB quickly cut away from the scene, back to a visibly shocked pair of co-anchors on the set of the KTVB News who were barely able to hide their laughter.

As Clark told the story on the KTVB evening news, she closed with the famous saying, “When it comes to live television, always expect the unexpected when least expected, you never know what you’re gonna get.” The winning couple are reportedly getting divorced, and are fighting for custody of the over-sized TV check.

Chicago Man’s Suicide Prompted By Emotional Animal Cruelty Prevention Commercials

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Marcus Knowles, 37, a resident of East Garfield Park on the East side of Chicago, reportedly took his own life yesterday, and according to the Chicago Police Department, Knowles left a note stating that he had been driven over the edge by the emotional commercials issued by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The commercials typically show sad, battered, and starving pets, accompanied by music of a very melancholy nature, such as the popular Sarah Mclachlan song In the Arms of an Angel.

In the letter, Knowles stated that he wishes that everyone would just have given all their money to the ASPCA, if it meant that they didn’t make any more of the commercials.

“The commercials are some of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Knowles in his letter. “I had a wonderful life, travelled the world, and saw everything I wanted to see. I have no family, but I have made lots of friends and plenty of money in my life. Everything was going great, until I saw that commercial. The sad, crying eyes of the dogs. The matted fur of the little kittens. And the song. I have been crying for days, and there is only so much a man can take.”

Knowles, who lived in an apartment complex, was not allowed to have his pets in his building, and was apparently distraught that he couldn’t help the animals.

“There is nothing I can do to help these sad creatures. I cannot live if I cannot help these depressed animals. To everyone in my life who matters, I am sorry. I am leaving every penny I have to the ASPCA, and I advise you to do the same, lest you see this same fate as me.”

Police say that this is the 14th suicide they’ve seen in the last year because of the overly depressing ASPCA commercials. They have reached out to the organization to get them to find a new approach to their marketing.

“I’d be just as likely to donate if they showed happy children playing with well-fed puppies. And at least I wouldn’t weep for hours or have to dive for the remote to change the channel,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Chicago Police Department. “I love animals, and no one wants to see them in that state. The people of Chicago, and probably the entire country – they love their animals so much. Please, for everyone’s sake, donate today.”

Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law, it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.

NASA’s Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

Officials at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C, have confirmed that the powerful Hubble telescope has found what experts believe to be conclusive evidence of life within a distant galaxy which was discovered last month.

NASA spokesperson Carl Wright said that the new findings are a major breakthrough for not only NASA, but for the entire world. “What we have found, with the proof we have discovered, this is possibly the biggest, most important finding in NASA history,” Wright told the Associated Press. “This absolutely puts to rest any doubt that life exists outside of our own galaxy.”

Peering through the giant cosmic magnifying glass, the Hubble Space Telescope spotted the galaxy last month. It is said to be the furthest galaxy ever seen, at more than 65 billion light years away. The galaxy, known as X12-P45, was detected by the Frontier Fields program, an ambitious three-year study that teams Hubble with NASA’s other observatories, the Spitzer Space Telescope and the powerful Chandra X-ray Observatory. These powerful lenses allow astronomers to find distant, dim structures that until now have been too faint to see.

Wright went on to explain in the briefing that the forms of life discovered seem to be those of intelligence. “We aren’t just talking about a few plants or trees of some kind, we are talking about intelligent life forms which have built structures, civilizations, buildings. These structures were built by something, which only leads us to believe they are aliens of some kind, maybe even very human-like beings. It remains to be seen, but this is huge progress for the entire world to find something of such important significance,” Wright stated.

When asked if NASA expects the findings of alleged intelligent life form to panic people on the planet Earth, Wright chuckled, and assured that there is no impending source of danger. “We clearly are the aggressors here, the people of the world have nothing to fear. We can’t do anything without being violent and forceful, so if we know they are there before they know we are here, then all is well. The further ahead we get in science, the bigger the advantage we have. If these turn out to be hostile alien life forms, we will take the bull by the horns. Never under-estimate the power of mankind.” he said.

Private companies, including McDonald’s and Starbucks, say they are willing to fund an expedition to explore the new galaxy and planet, in exchange for being the first Earth establishments allowed to build there.

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Killed In Snowmobiling Accident

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The Associated Press in New York City, New York is receiving reports from the office of North Korean second-in-command Hwan Cho that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has been killed during a horrific snowmobiling accident just hours ago.

In the onslaught of reports bombarding press rooms, it is said that Kim Jong-un received a snowmobile as a Christmas gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The two had previously bonded over their shared hatred of the United States, and had developed a very close friendship according to North Korean third-in-command Chung Chin-mae, who has released a more detailed statement of the tragic account.

In his statement sent worldwide, Chung said that the Supreme Leader had taken the gift out for a joyride just after breakfast.

“It is with a heavy heart filled with sadness that I issue my words upon the people of the world, and relay this tragic message. Kim Jong-un has died after an accident involving the snowmobile given to him as a Christmas gift by Russian President Putin. Supreme Leader took the machine out for riding, and struck a tree branch. He was decapitated, dying only hours later,” Chung said in the statement.

Of course, the news bring mixed emotions among the public of North Korea. Some citizens have taken to the streets with joy, holding signs with phrases of relief, such as”We Are Free”, “The Evil Has Died”, and “America Wins.”

The thirty-one year old Kim had assumed the office of North Korean Supreme Leader on December 17th, 2011. He is survived by his spouse, Ri Sol-ju, a child, Kim Ju-ae, and live-in man slave Dong Bong-cha. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. Second-in-command Hwan Cho has reportedly assumed the title of Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady Quits Team After Argument With Coach Belichick

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After an argument with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, quarterback Tom Brady walked out of a team meeting earlier today, packed up his personal belongings, and has shockingly quit the team.

Brady, in his fifteenth NFL season, reportedly got into a heated argument with Belichick just as a pre-Super Bowl team meeting was coming to a close, after the two disagreed on where to take the team out for dinner.

“It all started over where we were going to eat, to celebrate the AFC championship. Coach wanted to go to Benihana’s, and T-Dawg wanted to go to Zanzibar. Things spiraled out of control from there,” defensive tackle Vince Wilfork said. “But it wasn’t just about that. One thing led to another, and then they ended up fighting over which movie we would all go see tomorrow night. Coach wanted to see Into The Woods, and Tom wanted to see American Sniper. That argument is when things got real. T threw up his arms and said ‘I quit, let Jimmy play in the Super Bowl, I’m tired of winning them anyway, been there done that. Have fun.’ He then packed his things and left. It was some crazy shit.”

Tight end Rob Gronkowski said the two had been feuding all season over the smallest things. “It has been like this all season long. Anything they could possibly argue over, they have. One night they argued over the official name of a specific shade of the color blue in our logos, and damn near came to blows. I literally think they are both just sick and tired of winning,” Gronkowski added.

The Patriots, coming off a staggering lopsided victory where they beat the Indianapolis Colts 45-7 in the AFC championship, will take on the reigning Super Bowl champions, the Seattle Seahawks, on February 1st in the Super Bowl.

Dallas Police Department To Stop Using Guns, Will Use Alternative Methods To Subdue Criminals

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

In a bold move, the Dallas Police Department has announced an unprecedented, creative, and groundbreaking strategic plan to curb the reputation of police abuse by taking firearms away from more than ten-thousand police officers.

Nationally respected and highly regarded Dallas Chief of Police, David Brown, made the surprising announcement earlier today at a press conference outside the Jack Evans Police Headquarters in downtown Dallas, home of the Dallas Police administration, as well as the Dallas Museum of Historical Artifacts.

“The entire world knows that here in Texas, the greatest and biggest state in the United States, that we do everything bigger than everybody else in the world. Here in Dallas, the greatest city in the greatest state, we are looked up to for our innovative ways,” said Brown. “Here at the Dallas Police Department, we set the standard for all police departments across the nation. Today I am very proud to stand before you and announce that we have continued this incredible legacy. Effective immediately, we have removed all firearms from all of our officers patrolling the streets of this great city.”

Brown went on to say that all street patrolling police officers were required to turn in their weapons, and will use alternative methods to subdue criminals when times on the beat get desperate.

“Officers will still be well equipped, armed with tasers, pepper spray, batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, steel-toed boots – the list is quite long. New devices, including laser pointers with which they may temporarily blind violent criminals, will also be added to replace guns. For extreme cases, they will be given access by the Dallas Fire Department to all fire hydrants and hoses in the city, but only for when situations are crucial. They will have more than enough to operate an effective police department while continuing our reputation as the best police department in the world, as well as the most innovative,” Brown said.