Priest Filmed Taking Part In Sexual Activities In Confession Booth Given Two Week Suspension

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ALBANY, New York –

A catholic priest, Father Paul Michael Harrison, has been suspended for two weeks after being filmed taking part in sexual activities in a confessional at the Holy Cathedral Heart of Mary Catholic Church in downtown Albany, New York.

The church released a statement and provided details of the “sinful and unethical” acts committed by Harrison to the public this afternoon. Sister Marilyn Abagail Swain, head nun at the church said that she was emailed video of Harrison and a female taking part in a ‘crude act’ inside the church’s confession booth, and that upon inspection of the booth, she found Harrison had cut a slot into the partition which separates the priest and the person confessing.

“Father Harrison has been suspended for two weeks by the church for having oral sex with a woman through what I’m told is called a glory hole. The woman, Melissa White, emailed several videos of herself and Father Harrison taking part in the acts on several occasions. We at Holy Cathedral of Mary wish to maintain the church’s integrity, while still offering the reverend unconditional forgiveness,” Sister Swain said in an email sent out to members of the church.

“I just thought that I should confess what happens in that confessional,” said White. “I didn’t think I could keep going in there, over and over, week after week, and sucking off a priest, without telling someone else. I thought if I went back on a different day, I could maybe get another priest, but I figured he might just talk me into giving him a beej, too. So, filming it and sending it to the church seemed like the better option.”

A friend of White’s, who wished to remain anoynmous, says that the White had started going to the church only recently, to confess about her addiction to frequently performing oral sex on strangers.

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL ‘Just Not Challenging Anymore’

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After leading his team, like a fearless warrior against arrogant showboating thugs, to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions the Seattle Seahawks last night, four-time Lombardi Trophy winning quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL. The announcement came in an unscheduled, private press briefing, which consisted of only six people, including wife Gisele, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft, and two reporters, at the team’s headquarters in Foxborough.

“While I am greatly honored to have been a key part of this incredible franchise, it is with bittersweet sentiment that I stand before you and announce that I have decided to end my career with a bang,” the fifteen-year NFL veteran said. “The game has just become too easy, it’s just not challenging anymore. Look at this game film again. As you can see, I threw the two interceptions on purpose just to make the game more exciting. It was kind of like playing a toddler in Madden on XBox, and letting them get a ten-point lead so that the victory seemed more exciting. Today’s players just don’t have the skill-set or passion. When people start accusing you of deflating footballs, there is an issue.”

Brady, who is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, completed a Super Bowl record of 37 passes, and threw for 4 touchdowns. He went on to discuss tenative future plans. “Well I think I am going to take some time to relax, enjoy my sexy wife, and eventually pursue a career in modeling to keep busy,” Brady stated confidently.

Belichick, who was standing with his back against the rear wall, stated that coaching Brady was a pleasure, but the team would move on without him happily. “Tom was a great quarterback for this franchise and I love him dearly, but it’s time for him to go. I am glad I had the opportunity to make him who he is. He couldn’t have done it without me.”

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Members of the outspoken, infamous, and highly controversial Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, are expected to travel to East Hanover, New Jersey next week to protest outside Nabisco headquarters, where they will condemn the production of Oreo cookies. They say the chocolate cookies with the white cream filling subliminally suggests to consumers to participate in interracial orgies and affairs.

John Dunston, 46, of Topeka and one of thirty-nine active members of the church, says that Nabisco is primarily targeting white females to subliminally take part in sexual activities with multiple African-American men.

“Just look at the cookie. It has a sweet, creamy, soft, white filling, with a hard brown cookie on the bottom and a hard brown cookie on top. This is obviously supporting and suggesting evil acts between a white female and two black males,” Dunston said. “We have had enough of this garbage, and we are going to make a stand to condemn this evil.”

Dunston went on to say all members of Westboro Baptist Church will be traveling to New Jersey sometime next week to participate in a “game changing protest,”

Opponents of the church say they believe interracial sexual activity is not a sin, such as 24-year-old Marquis Thompson. “I mean, you know, if a white girl wants to live out her fantasy with a couple strapping niggas, then so be it. It’s a free country ain’t it? They just mad because they all fat ugly white people, and they stupid as shit. Listen bruh, people gon’ do what people wanna do, this is the home of the free and streets of da free – black, white, yellow, don’t mean shit in the United States of America, believe that,” Thompson said.

Man Files $2 Million Lawsuit Against NYPD Officers Who Stopped Him From Jumping Off Brooklyn Bridge

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Theodore Rigsby, 35, of Long Island, New York is suing the New York Police Department for $2 million, claiming mental anguish, wrongful life, and failure to be allowed to die freely.

On the evening of December 21, 2014, a woman called 9-1-1 saying that a man was standing on the railing of the historic Brooklyn Bridge, threatening to commit suicide. When officers arrived on the scene, they found Rigsby, who refused to be talked down by the officers. Officers Garret Miguel Cruz and Carmine Seinfeld sprung into quick action, leaping for the man and pulling him down off the railing and transported him to the 33rd precinct headquarters in Brooklyn. Rigsby then spent two weeks under constant mental evaluation at the Cloverleaf Mental Health Services hospital, and was then released.

Earlier this week, Rigsby hired a lawyer, Arnold C. Jacobson, and filed the wrongful life lawsuit against the NYPD. Jacobson said in a WNYC interview that his client was not treated fairly. “Mr. Rigsby and the great city of New York were dealt an unfair hand of ill-advised justice when officers prevented him from jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge,” Jacobson said. “My client was viciously attacked and manhandled as he was yanked off the railing. He suffered several bruises to the upper arm and now lives in a state of depression.”

Witnesses on the scene say they were greatly disapointed when the officers kept Rigsby from jumping, such as Leo Mansetti, 32, of Brooklyn, “Man, I was bored to tears and stuck in traffic, and then I pulled up next to this scene. A bunch of us were honking and cheering the guy on telling him to take one for the team and stuff like that ya know? Then the cops came and messed it all up. It sucked. But what else is new? That’s how the cops are here. Welcome to New York,” Mansetti scoffed.

Shock-Rocker Marilyn Manson Reveals He Was Adopted, Says Nicolas Cage Is Biological Brother

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During a shockingly candid fact-filled interview on WEMP-FM radio in Smithdale, Caifornia, 46-year-old shock-rock superstar and part-time actor Marilyn Manson, aka Brian Hugh Warner, revealed to host Metal Mike Monroe that he was adopted at the age of two from August and Joy Coppola, who are the parents of actor Nicolas Cage (born Nicolas Coppola) also making him the nephew of legendary movie director Francis Ford Coppola.

Manson shared personal and intimate details behind the adoption.

“There was just too much talent in the family. August Ford Coppola, my biological father, was a professor of literature, and my biological mother, Joy, was a highly regarded and respected dancer and choreographer. Nick was five years older than me, and already was showing the ability and talent of a gifted actor by the time I was born,” Manson explained.

Nicolas Cage changed his last name from Coppola to Cage at an early age to avoid the appearance of nepotism, being that his uncle Francis Ford Coppola was already a legend in the Hollywood circuit.

Manson said that he became an uncontrollably evil, girl-crazed hellion when he was in his terrible-twos, and the Coppolas simply could not contain his wild streak.

“The day I turned two-years-old, my parents threw a party for me and I had got into the fridge and got one of August’s beers, and before anyone noticed, I drank the whole thing, then ran around the house ripping the diapers off of all the other toddlers at the party. All the other the parents watched the scene in shocked horror,” Manson stated. “So eventually I was adopted by the Warner family, and kept away from society most of my childhood due to my inappropriate youthful behavior – which I never grew out of by the way.”

Disney To Release R-Rated ‘Muppets Gone Wild’ Film Geared Strictly Toward Adults

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

Chairman and CEO of the world-famous Walt Disney Company Bob Iger announced earlier today that the franchise will go forward with plans to release an “Adults Only” film, portraying the famous Muppet characters, sometime in late 2015.

The R-Rated film, titled Muppets Gone Wild, will show the fun, loving characters in wildly awkward adult situations, according to Iger. “Over the past fifteen years or so, more and more adults, now primarily ranging from ages thirty to forty-five years old, have shown their love and appreciation and vivid youthful memories of the days of the Muppet Show. With that in the back of our collective and pioneering minds here at Disney, we decided to go forward with a wild idea that has never been done before. Create a film using the famous Muppet characters for adult eyes and ears only,” Iger explained.

The Walt Disney Company purchased The Muppets intellectual properties from Jim Henson Productions on February 17, 2004, which consisted of all rights and branded trademarks of The Muppet Show.

Iger said that some of the adult situations featured in the one-of-a-kind film would deal with casual sex, drug use, addiction, homosexuality, and a vast array of infidelity between lovers.

“This is a very special project for us, and we want to tackle the issues of the children who are now grown up and still having difficulties with the cards dealt to them in life. For instance, it will be revealed in the film that Bert and Ernie are indeed a homosexual couple, and Kermit the Frog, a womanizing, drug-addled sex fiend,” Iger shockingly announced.

The film is scheduled to be released in the fall of 2015.

Shocking DNA Results Revealed: Body Of Elderly Homeless Man Identified As Elvis Presley

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SAN DIEGO, California –

Earlier this month, an 80-year-old, homeless, white-bearded man was found deceased under an overpass in San Diego, California. Nobody knew the man’s name, but friends referred to him as Jessie, so investigators decided to try DNA testing with hopes that something would pop up in the nationwide DNA database. What popped up on the computer screen in the high-tech lab stunned everyone. The DNA results of ‘Jessie Doe’ were an exact match to the one and only, Elvis Aaron Presley.

Lab technician Robert Brensdale said he and his lab assistant, Madeline Hedgespeth, laughed when the name popped up. “We thought somebody, somewhere, somehow in the system pulled the greatest and most elaborate prank on us ever, we both laughed with hysteria for about an hour,” Bresndale told Jerry Hardin of the Hollywood Word, a new entertainment publication based out of Los Angeles.

Brensdale and Hedgespeth then went to their superior with laughter, as if he were the one behind this “prank”. They were told to simmer down and stay quiet, that this was no laughing matter. From there, the results went up the ladder to the FBI and CIA.

Now, weeks later, FBI spokesperson Philip Hunter has revealed that the deceased man’s body was actually the body of Elvis Presley, who had been in the witness protection program since 1977.

“Mr. Presley was placed in the program under a voluntary basis. He was not a witness to any crime or anything like that. Once he had met President Nixon, the two became great friends, and Mr. Presley wanted out of his life, he wanted to be an unknown, so President Nixon made this possible. Yes, it is official – Elvis Presley was really alive all that time, and only a handful of people knew it, most of which are no longer with us.

>> NEXT >> “Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction” >>

Former ‘Dexter’ Star Michael C. Hall Goes Incognito, Auditions On ‘American Idol’

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

As first round American Idol auditions made their final stop in San Francisco, the judges and fans had the wool pulled over their collective heads when former star of the hit television show ‘Dexter,’ Michael C. Hall, auditioned using an alias and didn’t reveal his identity until this morning.

Hall, the 43-year-old actor called into the ‘Bob & Tom’ syndicated radio show this morning for a brief interview and when asked what he had been up to, he announced the shocking revelation.

“Well, just last night I think I fooled the entire country,” Hall said. When asked to explain what he was referring to, Hall went on to describe, in detail, what had taken place during pre-recorded American Idol auditions, which actually occurred weeks ago. “Well, for those who watched American Idol last night, if they thought one of the contestants looked like me, guess what? It was me.” Hall explained with a snicker.

Bob Kevoian, of the comedic talk radio duo then asked Hall if he was serious. “Absolutely, I auditioned on American Idol with the intention of looking like a fool, and I must have fooled the nation because I have not heard anything about it. I began singing in the fifth grade in choir, and went on to perform in several musicals in high school back in North Carolina. I did stuff like Oklahoma, Fiddler on the Roof, and The Sound of Music. Basically I just wanted to be troll and be a goofball. And I achieved my goal. I sucked, and they told me so.” Hall said with laughter. “Thank God I have this whole ‘world famous television star’ thing to fall back on.”

hallidolfixes — Hall goes incognito – performs tunes on America Idol

Man Faces Jail Time After Hanging Obama Prop From Tree In Front Yard

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CARYVILLE, Tenneesee –

A Caryville, Tenneesee man is in hot water after hanging a life-size look-alike prop of President Barack Obama from a tree in his front yard.

Clyde Harrison Jones, 58, faces several charges including threatening the life of the President of the United States and various hate crimes. Jones was arrested by FBI agents after being informed of the incident by the Caryville Police Department. Caryville police had received several complaints from neighbors and passers-by for over a month, and had done apparently nothing to resolve the issue. Caryville police chief, Gary Monroe, said that he did not know what to do about the issue.

“Well hell, I just didn’t know how to approach Mr. Jones about it. He is a damn good friend of mine. What was I supposed to do? Ask him to take it down? I thought it was pretty damn funny really,” Monroe said. “This is supposed to be a free country, and as long as you keep your mouth shut, you should be able to do anything you want. I mean shit. So, I called the FBI and asked for advice, I told them he had hung a fake body that looked like the President from a tree, and you would have thought he actually did hang the president the way they stormed into town.”

The FBI says that the dummy, which was wearing a Halloween mask, intentionally resembled the likeness of the president, which can be taken as a threat not covered by free speech. Jones says he meant no harm by what he called “a prank,” and hopes that the case will be dismissed.

“I don’t hate the president – well, I don’t hate him because he’s black. For crying out loud, it’s not a hate crime,” said Jones. “Hell, it’s not a crime at all. But they’re all saying it’s a threat on his life. Phooey. If I was threatening his life, I’d buy a rifle and a book depository or something, not hang a dummy in my tree.”

Jones faces a possibility of several months in jail and a $10,000 fine.

Justin Timberlake Sells His Shares of MySpace For One Dollar To Unsuspecting Fan

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Singer, songwriter, and actor Justin Timberlake, who was a co-owner of Myspace, reportedly sold his shares of the company to a fan for one dollar yesterday afternoon.

The 33-year-old Timberlake said in a statement from his publicist Michelle Hendrickson, that he no longer felt that Mypsace was developing the cause for which he signed up for.

“Mr. Timberlake would like to thank all of his fans for support in his venture with Myspace, but he felt that his goal of bridging the gap between artists and fans was not being achieved,” Hendrickson said.

Myspace has steadily declined in popularity since Facebook has taken over social media in the United States, and every year the number of Myspace users has dropped off signifcantly. Timberlake bought into the company with hopes of reviving the once upon a time king of all social media.

“Justin feels that he let a lot of people down, and just wanted to get out from under this thing, so he decided to take a loss and sold his share of the company to a fan for whom he was signing an autograph for. He casually asked the fan if she wanted to buy his share of Myspace for a dollar, she laughed, and said yes. And Mr. Timberlake then set up a meeting with the fan and lawyers to make the deal. And the deal was made,” Hendrickson said. “To be quite honest, Justin is glad to wash his hands of Myspace. I mean, did you know that Myspace was even still around? If you think Google Plus is a ghost town, you should try logging into your old Myspace page someday. It’s like a relic or a time capsule or something.”

Timberlake’s share of the company was worth $15 million, according to financial experts, making the the new unknown owner the luckiest Timberlake fan of all time.