Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Searching For Doctor To Perform Sex Change On 8-Year-Old Daughter

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

According to recent statements made by Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, 8-year-old daughter Shiloh has opted to change her name to ‘John’. After intense consideration and conversation with their daughter, the couple have begun looking for a doctor to perform a sex change on the child. They say they want to help rid her of the constant, uncomfortable reminder that she is ‘someone different on the inside than appears on the outside.’

The couple has openly discussed how their daughter has always been more inclined to play with toys aimed at boys, and prefers to wear boys clothing, as well as have a more ‘masculine’ haircut.

“She wants to be a boy,” Jolie said. “We had to cut her hair, she likes to wear boys’ everything, she thinks of herself just like a boy, and enjoys doing the same things as her brothers. She is a very smart child, definitely wise beyond her years and several times she has asked if we could help her ‘fix herself.'”

“It is very difficult for parents to hear their child go through that kind of thing,” said Brad Pitt. “We have discussed it and we are certain that she really does want to go through with it, but we will continue to evaluate the situation while also looking for a highly qualified doctor who is willing to perform the operation. It’s what John wants, and as parents, you give your child all that you can and more.”

Pitt mentioned on the Oprah show a few years ago, when Shiloh was four years old, that she wanted to be named ‘John’. The idea is one she has clung to for years, and her parents now officially support her request. Jolie says it will be extremely difficult to remember to call her John instead of Shiloh.

“Everyday I call her Shiloh at some point and she will get fussy with me, I’m trying so hard,” Jolie said. She also added that the couple is proud that they seem to be teaching their children that it is important to discover who they are. “It makes me feel so good knowing that all of our children know that it is not only okay, but a great thing to explore their individuality, and go on the journey to discover who they really are as unique people.”

When asked whether or not they would wait until Shiloh turns eighteen to have a sex change, Jolie said it would not be the right thing to do. “That would just be cruel. She is a very smart person, she knows better than anybody who she really is. We have every intention on fulfilling her dream in the very near future,” said Jolie.

Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To African-Americans

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

With the riots and outrage sparked by videos of unarmed black men being abused by police on camera, the Missouri congress has proposed a bill prohibiting the sale of all video recording devices, including cell phones with camera, to all blacks with a Missouri address.

The proposed bill, which is being called The Blindfold Act, would not only prohibit all black citizens in the state from buying camera phones or other video recording devices, but would also require all blacks already in possession of the items to hand them over to their local police department. Compensation for the device would be provided, up to $150. Those who fail to follow the instructions of the Missouri government would then be charged with a felony if found in possession of a recording device.

Senior Senator of Missouri, Democrat Claire McCaskill, has issued a statement to press, explaining the bill in detail and all but guaranteeing that the proposed law would more than likely be passed when congress votes on the proposal in January.

“One thing democrats and Republicans both can agree on in this state is that the black community all across Missouri commits a much higher percentage of crime than any other race, putting them on the biggest stage, in front of the most irresponsible citizens, who always seem to meddle in the business of the police.” said McCaskill.

Even Democratic Representatives Lacy Clay Jr., and Emmanuel Cleaver II, who are the only African-American members of the Missouri congress, are in full support of the proposed bill.

“Until the black community learns how to keep from being caught by police, we don’t deserve to possess the ability to video tape police who are just trying to do their jobs,” Clay Jr. said. “We have too many of our people living off the government, collecting checks, yet they still complain on how we conduct our business. They need to quit meddling, for real.”

EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

Posted on December 23, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair. But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

Kurt Sutter Announces Plans For ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ Movie Starring Charlie Hunnam, Brad Pitt

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NORTH HOLLYWOOD, California –

Kurt Sutter, creator of the hit FX drama Sons of Anarchy, has announced plans to turn the popular television series into a major motion picture.

Sutter, who was also a writer, producer, and director on the series, said in an interview with Hollywood Today magazine that he has long contemplated taking S.O.A. to the big screen following its run on television. “People absolutely loved the show, as did I, and I have put a lot of thought into the matter, and we are going forward with turning it into a feature film” Sutter said.

Sons of Anarchy ran for seven seasons on FX, from 2008-2014, and in the process built a huge following. Sutter said the film will star Charlie Hunnam, who played the lead character Jax Teller, as well as Ryan Hurst who played Opie Winston, and Katey Sagal as Gemma Teller. The film, which is a prequel to the storyline of Sons will also introduce fans to Jax’s father, John, who will be played by Brad Pitt.

“I am most excited about bringing Brad (Pitt) on as John Teller, he is absolutely perfect for the role. The movie will take place from the day Jax was born, and leads up to the era just before Sons Of Anarchy began as a series.”

Sutter also said that he is really happy to bring Ryan Hurst back as Opie Winston, and hopes fans will forgive him for killing Opie off. “Man I tell ya, when we killed Opie off, it was like the thing turned real. I’ve never gone public with this, but I’ve had people get really crazy when they see me in public,” said Sutter. “They shout at me, and they get angry – ‘You shouldn’t have killed Ope! I hope you rot in Hell!,’ that sort of thing. I had people try to run me off the road when they recognized me, although that just might be because I’m kind of a dangerous driver. Anyway, my hope is that this film will help them cope.”

Sutter says pre-production on film will begin in the middle of 2015, and will begin shooting sometime in the fall. “For a movie of this scope, with this much storyline attached, you should expect to see the film by the end of 2016,” said Sutter. “In the mean time, buy all the official Sons of Anarchy merchandise you can. Every dollar goes to helping get this movie completed. Brad Pitt isn’t cheap, you know.”

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOVELOCK, Nevada –

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed – not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’ I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.

Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

Posted on December 22, 2014 by JP

AURORA, Colorado –

Garry Thompson, 27, is facing sexual assault charges after a company Christmas party went quickly downhill.

According to police reports, Thomson, who
had ‘a few drinks’ while celebrating with co-workers from Harrison Construction and Lumber, was encouraged to kiss a female co-worker who had been standing underneath a mistletoe. When Thompson went up to her, he leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek, and was immediately punched in the face and pepper sprayed.

His co-workers, and even boss and owner, Joel Harrison, who all laughed at the incident as it happened, assumed that it would be he end of the ordeal. But now, Thompson, Harrison, and every other male co-worker is facing serious charges, with Thompson himself facing possible rape charges.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas, and have never heard of the tradition of the misletoe, but either way there is no excuse for this type of behavior,” said Marissa Jones, the woman bringing suit against her now-former employer. “[Thompson] came up to me, and he was definitely drunk. I could see it in his eyes that he was totally trying to have sex with me. Before he could put his gross lips on my beautiful, womanly cheek, I punched him in the face, and then pepper sprayed him until he couldn’t stand up. I find it disgusting that men think they can kiss whomever they want during this time of year just because a person happens to be standing under a plant.”

Thompson claimed that the issue is being blown out of portion, and feels he did nothing wrong at all, as it was meant to be a simple gesture of caring and admiration, and that people have been doing it for eons.

“Obviously, I made a mistake in trying to kiss such a femi-nazi bitch,” said Thompson from his jail cell in Aurora. “Can you believe that now she’s trying to say I was a rapist? Plus, she’s suing the company for allowing this ‘sexual harassment’ to happen during a business function, and she’s trying to say that any man who laughed when it happened is an accomplice to rape! RAPE?! There were women laughing, too – I don’t see any of them getting labeled as rapists and hit with huge lawsuits. I swear, that is the last time I try to kiss anyone, ever.”

In light of the situation, Harrison has said that he will give Thompson the holiday off, “with pay,” to try to retain a lawyer.

Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SACRAMENTO, California –

Just days after saying that “Pit bulls are a waste of space and should all be put down” on her radio show, The Dr. Laura Program, host Laura Schlessinger adopted ten pit bulls from a Southern California rescue shelter only to have the dogs immediately euthanized.

Shelter operator Mary Sheckles told Empire News that Schlessinger stopped by the shelter earlier this week, just days after making her now infamous comments about pit bulls. Sheckles said Schlessinger, also known as ‘Dr. Laura’, acted very sympathetic and guilty over her comments, so she wanted to give ten pit bulls a good home. Sheckles was convinced that Schlessinger had turned a new leaf after thousands of pit bull owners tweeted and emailed her telling her why she was wrong.

“She seemed very sincere,” Sheckles said. “I was just as angry as anyone toward that woman, then she came in and really poured it on heavy, so heavy it was emotional for me. I then showed her around the shelter and she took the time to meet and greet with ten of our pits we had at the time. She said she wanted to adopt every single one of them. I was so moved, I cried tears of joy.”

However, according to Sheckles, Schlessinger did not adopt the dogs to keep as pets. Hours after making the adoption arrangements, the radio host had a family member take the pit bulls to a local veterinarian, who she had known was also anti-pit bull, and had all ten dogs euthanized. A sympathetic employee from the veterinarian’s office secretly called Sheckles, and told her the devastating truth.

“I have been crying non-stop since,” Sheckles said. “In my opinion, this woman is evil and sadistic, and she needs to be taken off the air so that her lies and untruths can no longer be spread. For her comments and actions, she should lose all of her sponsors. The things she says, and the hatred she spews, all the while having very little to absolutely zero knowledge on the subjects in which she speaks, it’s all just very disturbing. She’s almost as bad – no, she’s worse than Dr. Oz!”

Poll Shows Large Portion Of U.S. Voters Think ‘Being Black’ Is Now Required Of Presidential Candidates

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent CNN Poll of likely voters, 49% said that they believed being black was now required to be President. The same poll also showed 37% believed the new requirement was to alternate between black and white Presidents. The last 14% believed that the next President has to be a woman.

“Well, that just shows how stupid polls are,” said Dennis Wallace, a 22-year-old registered Democrat. “All you ever hear is how inaccurate polls are, and I guess it’s true. I mean, how many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb, and that one about them having a screen door on their submarine – polls are stupid. Everyone knows the rule to electing a president is now black man, white woman, black woman, and then white man.”

23-year-old Regina Banks, who registered as an Independent said, “Doesn’t congress pick the President? I mean isn’t that’s why we elect them, to represent us? Or is that something to do with the election college, or…wait. No, we vote, and congress sends people to the election college to pick the president. Right?”

“I wish the people were right. Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing more black Presidents,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “I always thought Denzel Washington would make a good President. He lives in my district, and if there was any chance we could get him to run, I would gladly write a bill requiring all Presidents to be black. You know if that happened, then the republicans would make a fuss and start waving the constitution around like a bunch of children.”

“It’s weird that just because we have a black president that people think they all have to be black from now on,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who has been considering a run for president in 2016. “I don’t want people to not vote for me if I run just because I’m not black, and they think I can’t win. No one thought that it was required of the president to be a fat jazz enthusiast after Clinton took office, so why would they have to be black because of Obama?”

Experts Predict Major Bed Bug Infestation In The U.S. Will Kill Thousands In 2015

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT COLLINS, Colorado –

Cimex lectularius, commonly known as the Bed Bug here In the United States, is a parasitic insect which feeds primarily on human blood, and has become infamous for its infestations within the past decade. Dr. DeMarcus Johnson, head of Insect Sciences at Colorado State University says, though, that these last ten years were ‘the easy part.’

“The good ol’ days are clearly behind us,” Dr. Johnson said. “Sometime after spring and heading into Summertime, we will begin to see massive Bed Bug infestations, so drastic that we predict large quantities will feed on humans and cause significant loss of life.”

“I do not take any comfort in alarming the good people of this beautiful country, but this is by-far more of a probability rather than a possibility. To put into perspective, just imagine getting stung by hundreds of bees at the same time while asleep at night. If that happened to millions of Americans every night, thousands of those people would die on a weekly basis. These little suckers are sneaky and do not sting like a bee does, they just gradually suck the blood right out of you without even waking you up.” Dr. Johnson stated.

Bed Bugs have increasingly become more of a problem in the United States every year. The pests build massive nests inside mattresses, and when a human being lies on the mattress they sense the person’s body heat, at which point they go into feeding mode by sucking blood out of the human body, much like a tick or a leech. When silently attacked by thousands of the insects during sleep, they can literally suck you dry. The also carry a vast array of deadly diseases.

“We are doing everything we can to warn American citizens of this awful soon-to-be plague, but unfortunately, there just isn’t much else to do but make sure your home is clear of them now. Buy new mattresses, couches, chairs, and any other ‘soft’ furniture you may have in your home. Burn the ones that exist now. Replace old carpets with new, or use strictly hardwood flooring. Do not wait until spring or summer, by then, I regret to say, it will be much too late. Vampires are real, and they exist in the form of the Bed Bug.”

Man With Disorder Has Hundreds Of Orgasms A Day; Says ‘Life is Amazing’

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Scott Smith of Boston, Massachusetts, considers himself the luckiest man alive. For the last several years, Smith has suffered from Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome, or PGAS. Five years ago, Mr. Smith injured his groin muscles while lifting and mounting a big screen TV to the wall. On his way to the hospital, he says that he ejaculated ‘5 or 6 times,’ and the orgasms have not stopped since.

“Life is amazing, just amazing,” said the 32-year-old. ”My girlfriend left me because I couldn’t last more than a minute or two. I lost my job because I kept ejaculating all over the place every few minutes. But you know, what? Who cares?! I’m orgasming hundreds of times a day, and it feels Goddamned amazing!”

Smith says that the orgasms can happen at any time, day or night, with little to no triggers.

“I never know what’s going to set it off. I like to go to the park and watch the joggers, or sometimes the mall, or even the subway – any where chicks hang out. When I orgasm, I’ll shout out ‘this one’s for you, baby!’ I can’t control it, so naturally I try to avoid playgrounds and elementary schools. Just because I cum hundreds of times a day doesn’t mean I’m a creep.”

Despite the amazing feeling that Smith receives literally hundreds of times a day, he says that PGAS does have its downsides.

“I started wearing diapers at night so I don’t ruin my sheets, and during the day I wear condoms or else I’ll go through tons of underwear. I used to just let them crust up, but that’s embarrassing when you have to do your laundry at the laundromat. I just change out the rubber when it gets full, but all things consider [PGAS] is like a gift from God that just keeps cumming and cumming.”

Smith says he is using internet dating sites to find a woman who has similar symptoms.

“PGAS is even more rare in women,” said Smith. “But if I can find a girl who cums as much as I do, we’ll be a match made in heaven!”