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Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Symptoms Of Frostbite

Posted on by Abe Abrams

CONCORD, New Hampshire – Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Case Of Frostbite

Former vice-president Al Gore was reportedly struck with a violent case of frostbite earlier this morning, while indoctrinating America’s youth in the perils of global warming at a New England elementary school .

After a frighteningly inappropriate speech given in the schools gymnasium, Gore was invited to follow the children out to recess. According to several teachers, Gore was not appropriately dressed for the cold front gripping the area, and while playing ‘King of the Hill’ with the children, he became soaked in cold, wet snow. A secret service agent, assigned to the former vice-president during his tours, noticed red splotches on Gore’s face and hands.

“Well, it was supposed to be a speech on conservation. You know – turn off lights, don’t run the water when brushing your teeth, that sort of thing,” said Ralph Stevens, 4th grade teacher. “But Mr. Gore took his speech over the top. My God, he had a slide show featuring dead polar bears, crying Eskimos, and drawings of cities under water. When it was done, the children were visibly upset and many were crying about the dead animals, so I called for recess to cheer them up.”

“It was disgusting, really,” said Principal Ann Parsons. “Mr. Gore followed the children outside, taking over a game of King of the Hill, and he was violently shoving kids off the hill, declaring himself Ruler of the World. I tried to stop it, but the secret service would not let me get close. It was unseasonably chilly, around 28 degrees, and although the children were all dressed in winter clothes, Mr. Gore was just in a suit and tie, not even a jacket. After about an hour, the secret service swarmed around him and whisked him away to the motorcade, knocking over children as they went. I was glad to see him go.”

“Luckily the doctors say I will end up being okay, and that we got here in time, so there’s no reason to amputate anything,” said Gore from a Massachusetts General hospital bed. ”I was wondering why my entire body was aching and hurting. I just thought it was because I was throwing all those kids around. Anyway, I just want everyone to know global warming is real, and that I will continue to educate the children through my school tours. I can show you all the science you need, but the average temperature dropping over the last seven years should prove it all. If no one else, the uneducated kids of America will certainly believe me.”

 

President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

Posted on by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

President Obama today threatened to withhold federal funding to public elementary schools unless images of Santa are removed and students are taught that he is a fictional character. President Obama explained what is being called by the Republicans as the ‘Scrooge Clause’ in a statement earlier this morning.

”It’s time children stop believing in a jolly old man who brings them presents, when the truth is Santa didn’t bring those gifts, the government did,” said President Obama. “Those presents aren’t made by elves, they are made by companies, that stay in business thanks to government breaks. Santa’s reindeer didn’t help delivery those presents, they traveled by trucks on roads and highways built by the government. It’s time children realize there is no Santa, only big government, government that will take care of you from cradle to grave.”

“We believe that It’s time to take down those pictures of Santa and replace them with pictures of the White House, or better yet, pictures of our great President,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Without our president, and without our government, there wouldn’t be any Christmas. Not to mention that most children in this country are getting presents bought by their parents with welfare money, and by their grandparents with social security. All the good boys and girls get toys bought with government handouts.”

Naturally, many people are outraged that the government would take a stand on Christmas, and force them to explain that Santa is fictional, which would cause many children to burst into tears. Republican leaders are especially upset, as they worry about what a world with no Santa could mean for the future of commerce.

“No Santa? Well that really is some communist, pinko bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”I just want the kids out there to know, I believe in Santa. In my letter to Santa only asked for one thing, and that is to be your next President. Because when I’m President, I’m going to make a special holiday for Santa so he doesn’t have to share one with Jesus. I’m thinking we lose Martin Luther King’s Birthday since it looks like no one believes in his message of peace anyway, and make it Santa Day instead! With a little bit of Santa’s magic help, I will become your next President.”

 

Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California – Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

Disney announced yesterday a new film that many are calling a ‘breakthrough’ in the world of animation. The studio, known for their many stories of girls who are seeking their Prince Charming, have said that they are creating a new fairy-tale about a young girl who, this time, is seeking her Princess Charming.

“We have tried to branch out over the years, when it comes to our female characters,” said Disney executive Ellen Etheridge. “We have come a long way from Sleeping Beauty, and have tried to introduce strong female characters that young children can look up to. We introduced an African-American Princess a few years back, and we are looking to break new ground once more.”

Etheridge says that the new film, which is currently being written by Disney scribe Pete Docter (Toy Story, Up), centers on a young girl named Jude, who is struggling with the fact that she’s not like the other girls in her school, who are only interested in boys, shopping, and ‘getting pretty.’

“Jude is an orphan, and has very few people in her life that care for her. She is confused, as a lot of young, gay boys and girls can be,” said Etheridge. “When she is magically transported to a dream world, she meets and falls in love with another young girl, Brandie. The story revolves around Jude’s adventure in her real-world, trying to make it back to Brandie in the dream-world.”

“I want it to be something that all children can enjoy, not just gay children,” said Docter. “This is the first time that Disney has ever tried to make film like this, so it has to be just spectacular. The story is coming along well, and I think that everyone will be extremely happy with the film. It’s not stepping lightly on the aspect of homosexuality, it’s going to break down the walls. ”

Despite Docter’s extreme optimism, many parents groups are outraged by the idea that their children will be begging them to see a movie based around gay characters.

“I have no intention of letting my child see that filth,” said Mary Lambert, mother of Kathy, aged 7. “I know that she is going to want to see it, and then she’ll be singing the damn songs all day, which will probably all be about sodomy, or dildos, or other homo stuff. The she’ll want to go out as the character on Halloween. Then she’ll want toys and bed sheets and t-shirts and the DVD of the movie. Then she’ll start being interested in girls, and before I know it, she’ll be coming out to me while I cry my eyes out that I’ll never have a grandchild. This movie will be the death of Disney, I’ll see to it!”

Disney plans on releasing the as-yet-untitled film in the winter of 2016.

A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.
A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PHOTO GALLERY: The Ten Ugliest Actors In Hollywood (Who Somehow Keep Getting Work)

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

In the world of Hollywood glitz and glamor, nothing is more important than being beautiful. Sometimes, though, a role requires a specific type, or a specific face, and that face isn’t always up to par. These 10 famous actors may not have the typical Hollywood looks, but they have gone on to make a name for themselves in the business, and are recognizable as major stars, despite their appearance.

Pizza Delivery Driver Who Was Given $1,300 Tip Admits He Spent It All On Weed

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – empire news pizza delivery

Two months ago, Jerry Maynor was just an average, 20-something pizza delivery driver. That all changed on a night in October, when Maynor delivered a pizza to the Alpha Beta Delta fraternity at Indianapolis Chapel University. There, the fraternity, made up of mostly Christian students, presented Maynor with a check for over $1300, as a tip in the name of Jesus.

When the news broke, Maynor became the face of every pizza delivery driver in the country, and not unsurprisingly, applications for delivery drivers at chains such as Pizza Hut, Dominos, and even mom-and-pop pizza restaurants, when up astronomically. Everyone wanted to be the next person who would be at the receiving end of such generosity.

Once the spotlight faded on Maynor, he went back to his quiet life of delivering pizzas and getting normal, $1 and $2 tips, assuming he made it within the assigned 15 minute delivery time. Empire News reached out to Maynor during a quick break from his delivery route, where he explained how excited he was to have gotten such a big tip.

“It’s a great feeling you know, it was just amazing to get that kind of money,” said Maynor. ” I was freaking the hell out, because that’s more money than I make in two months delivering pizza, and I couldn’t wait to spend it.”

Not surprisingly, what Maynor said he spent the money on was beer, weed, and metal CDs.

“They might have given me that money in the name of the Lord, or whatever, but screw that. Once it was in my hands, that money was going straight to getting me as high as fucking possible,” laughed Maynor. “I mean shit, that amount of money can buy you a ton of weed in Indiana. I also had bought some Five Finger Death Punch CDs to listen to while delivering, and I had a little party with some friends, and bought a bunch of beer. We had an awesome time.”

Maynor says that the money might have been ‘better spent’ catching up on rent and his car payments, but that he figured since it was a tip, he could use it to have fun.

“All my tip money goes to buying bags and beer,” said Maynor. “It’s a tip, bro, it’s not my paycheck. That money goes to bills, tip money is for having fun and getting as wasted as possible. Thanks be to Jesus, or whatever, for those Christian bros over at Chapel. It was the greatest tip ever!”

 

‘Westboro Baptist Church’ Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

Posted on by DvanL

TOPEKA, Kansas – 'Westboro Baptist Church' Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

Westboro Baptist Church, known more for its theatrical, attention-getting demonstrations than for its spreading of the gospel, finally admitted what many have suspected all along – it’s all been a colossal prank.

“It started in the church basement,” said former member and amateur performer Keith Lindsay. “We were losing members and money, so I formed an improv group called Winging It. We dressed up as angels and did lighthearted skits based on good deeds.”

The improvised good deeds changed depending on the audience, as Lindsay explained. “Sometimes we’d be at the mall and some woman would walk by wearing the most disastrously put together, wretched outfit, so we’d re-style her! I’d reach into my big bag and give her a makeover right on the spot! I have a talent for that,” he added.

The small-scale improv wasn’t giving the church the exposure they wanted, so Lindsay decided to “take things up a notch” in in effort to recruit more members. The troupe began acting out the most dramatic scenes from the Bible.

“We were stoning this woman at the mall once,” said Lindsay, “when a mother with her little boy said we should stop because it was too violent for her son to see. Well I was exhausted from being up all night practicing my improv and making all those paper mache rocks, and I lost my temper, but I stayed in character which is an improv comedy rule.”

Lindsay’s ‘ah-ha’ moment came when he criticized the young mother for dressing her young son in a pink shirt. “I said, ‘God hates the pink shirts and your son looks like a ‘you-know-what.’ She clearly didn’t know what I meant, and because I was still ‘in the moment’ I suddenly blurted out, ‘GOD HATES FAGS!’ and that’s how the whole thing started! The moment was so electric! I was trembling!” said Lindsay.

From that point forward, the church found themselves flooded with new members, all volunteering to make signs, protest funerals, and picket every event they could possibly think of.

“So that’s the story,” said Lindsay. “It was all just an act. The idea started as an improv comedy bit that we thought could get us some attention and new members, and it just blew up from there! I’m so relieved to finally come out and tell the truth,” he said. “‘Pastor’ Fred Phelps was a genius, and he took my blow-up at that woman in the mall to new heights. Once he got his daughter Shirley in front of a crowd, with her empty gaze and haggard looks, the entire thing became more believable than ever. I credit Fred and Shirley in making these little bits we had into a work of comedic excellence.”

Lindsay left the church when founder Fred Phelps passed away in March 2014, and is now focusing on a solo performing career.

“It was time to move on,” said the actor, but right now I’m writing my own one-man show, so just move over Liza Minnelli! Step aside Lada Gaga! I’m getting my act together and taking it on the road!”

Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Posted on by Abe Abrams

 HOUSTON, Texas – Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Houston transsexual Mark Miller not only claimed to be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a pregnant woman trapped in a man’s body. In what many have called a ridiculous and unnecessary surgery, Mr. Miller has had a baby doll surgically implanted in his body. 

”Well, believe it or not, this surgery was covered by Obamacare. I don’t get paid to make moral decisions, but as long as I get paid, I’ll do whatever the patient wants,” said Miller’s surgeon, Stephen Smith. “After sterilizing the doll Mr. Miller brought in, the surgery was pretty straight forward. Curiously, he didn’t want the doll implanted inside him, he wanted it more, like…infused into his body. He’s a strange fellow. Regardless, Miller is doing very well, and if he is ever ready for a sex change, I’ll be there for him, because Obamacare covers that, too.”

“For the first time in my life, I feel complete,” said Miller. “I look great, I feel pregnant, and without all that yucky morning sickness. When I put on makeup and a dress and look in the mirror, I finally see my true self. It’s also going to help my sex life;  you would be amazed at how many men love a pregnant woman, especially one as hairy as I am. The best part is when you press my belly button, you can hear my baby doll say ‘Ma-Ma.’ I’ve never been happier.”

”You see, this why we have to repeal Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “This is sick, and a slap in the face of God. If you want to be proud to be a Texan and an American again, vote for me to be the next President and I’ll repeal Obamacare and ship these homo-Americans to Massachusetts where they belong.”

 

TV’s Punky Brewster To Auction Her Eggs On eBay

Posted on by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California – TV’s Punky Brewster To Auction Her Eggs On eBay

Soleil Moon Frye, the actress known to millions as 1980s TV moppet Punky Brewster, has decided to sell something very personal on eBay. No, it’s not those miss-matched sneakers from her starring role; The actress, now 37, recently put her eggs up for auction on eBay with a starting bid of $10.

“I was hoping the opening bid would be more than $100, said Frye, “but I understand. I don’t have the eggs of a 20-year-old anymore. If I was a younger actress, like Jennifer Lawrence or Shia La Beouf, I bet I’d be able to get maybe ten or eleven thousand per egg. It’s much like how Hollywood operates,” she added.

Comments left by bidders ranged from the curious to the confused. ebayBetsy100 wrote “I was a big fan of Punky Brewster when I was a kid. If I use one of your eggs, will my baby be abandoned by the father, like Punky was? That would be so unfair to the child, no matter who the father is.”

Probuyer77 wrote: “I hope I win the bid because I want my daughter to be a famous person (or son). Will you be a surroget [sic] mother or will I have to carry the child? I would pay extra if you were the birth mother if I win your egg.”

Several users were actually more surprised with the fact that you could sell your own eggs on eBay than they were that Frye was selling hers. “Wow, I could probably make a fortune selling my eggs,” said eBay user quickcash666. “I mean hell, I get new ones every month anyway. I didn’t know that was allowed on eBay, or is [Soleil] just allowed to because she was famous once three decades ago? Celebrities get all the luck.”

Frye hopes her auction will bring awareness to the problem of infertility. “I’ve always been a trend setter,” she said. “I’ve always been unique. I was the only kid named Soleil in my classes all throughout school. Even if I don’t make a lot of money from this auction, I hope I can bring awareness to people facing reproductive difficulties. I mean, I’ve got three kids, so I know my eggs work just fine, but if just one of my eggs can complete a family, that would be enough reward for me, even though the money would be a bonus.”

Frye may get her wish. After completing this interview with Empire News, the actress was contacted by Michelle Duggar, star of the reality series 19 Kids and Counting. “They offered me a spot on the show,” said an excited Frye. “This will bring the awareness I was talking about and get me back into my acting, so it’s a win-win! They even mentioned a spin-off show called Frye’d Eggs! Their show is very popular and the Duggars said if the auction doesn’t go as well as I hope it will, they will buy my eggs directly! I guess the only thing we didn’t discuss was if I’m going to be, like, the 20th kid and counting or not.”

The high bid for Frye’s eggs was $477.01 at the time of this story’s posting.

BREAKING: North Korea Launches Nuclear Missile Towards The United States

Posted on by DvanL

PYONGYANG, North Korea – BREAKING- North Korea Launches Nuclear Missile Towards The United States

Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, has launched a series of nuclear missiles towards the United States in retaliation for the release of the new Seth Rogen and James Franco big-budget comedy film The Interview.

The nuclear capabilities of North Korean military forces are in their infancy, and so far no missiles have traveled further than a few kilometers, military experts say. “We’re on high alert in case any missile comes close to entering American territory,” said US Army spokesperson Turk Hudsonberry. “We’ve been able to track the missiles with spy satellites, and so far only two have managed to launch. Of those two, one was a dud, while the other one wiped out a bridge near the Taedong River,” he added.

Although North Korean forces have thus far been unsuccessful in their attempts to inflict damage anywhere near American soil, US military personnel never underestimates the significance of any perceived attack. “We take each and every threat against the United States seriously,” said Hudsonberry, “no matter how weak or inept they may seem.”

In the Rogen and Franco film, the duo play tabloid show stars who land an interview with Kim Jong-un, and are recruited by the CIA to “take him out.”

“I guess he just doesn’t have that big a sense of humor,” said Hollywood insider and North Korean military expert Danny Nang. “Reports circulated last June that Kim Jong-un was extremely upset with the film’s plot, but we never expected military retaliation.  We suspect that the Supreme leader is one of the few people in the country with access to a satellite to view worldwide media, which would explain his knowledge that the film existed.”

In August of 2013, photos from a North Korean military parade showed what were purported to be Intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). “They were the same ICBMs used in the previous year’s parade,” said Nang, “except new numbers were painted over the old ones. Military experts determined they were fakes designed more for show.”

Hudsonberry stressed that all threats against the United States are treated with the highest priority. “Kim Jung-un’s actions should never be underestimated. His government goes to great lengths to display the country’s military might, and what North Korea shows on the outside does not necessarily represent what takes place on the inside. We remain on high alert, and are confident that our anti-missile systems will effectively counter and completely demolish any military attack before it poses any real threat to the US,” he added.

Oprah Winfrey Buys Financially Troubled Grand Ole Opry, Will Rename It ‘Grand Ole Oprah’

Posted on by DvanL

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Oprah Winfrey Buys Financially Troubled Grand Ole Opry, Will Rename It 'Grand Ole Oprah'

Financially troubled country music institution the Grand Old Opry has accepted a buyout offer from media mogul and car-giveaway queen Oprah Winfrey in a deal that guarantees the stage concert’s existence well into the next century. There was just one condition – a name change. Oprah insisted that the theater be renamed “The Grand Ole Oprah.”

Opry General Manager Ralph Jackson Rogers spoke from his Opry office: “We were in a bind, and I got a call from the horse’s mouth herself,” Rogers explained. “My secretary told me she had Miss Oprah Winfrey on the phone and I thought she was just pulling my damn leg. I picked up the phone and she said ‘Hello, it’s Opraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’ the way she does you know, so I knew it was her. I was shocked.”

Winfrey, a country music fan, heard the Opry was facing financial difficulties from her close friend, Gayle King. “I was doing a segment for my show, CBS This Morning,” explained King, “and I overheard an employee talking about cutbacks.”

“I got back from Nashville and rushed right over to tell Oprah about the Opry,” said King. “And Steadman too,” she added. “He was there too.”

Winfrey immediately researched the Opry’s financial state. “As most of my devoted followers already know,” said Winfrey, “I moved to Nashville as a teenager. I would be spiritually devastated if the Opry disappeared, so I decided the right thing to do was to buy it.”

Winfrey revealed a childhood dream that one day she would be the star of her very own musical theater. “Well,” admitted the multi-billionaire, “as most of my devoted followers already know, I can’t sing. Steadman tells me that all the time. He was here just the other day when Gayle came over to tell us both the news. Now I own the Opry and we’re thrilled! Steadman and I are thrilled!”

The Grand Ole Oprah will debut next spring in a star-studded extravaganza produced by The Oprah Winfrey Network. Oprah now operates the Opry, but not everyone is as exited as Oprah, Steadman, and Gayle at the change.

Local fan and devoted audience member Mary Coursey remarked, “What’s she gonna buy up next, NASCAR? Then she’d go and rename that ‘Oprah’s Go-Kart Festival’? Now I’m not saying nothing prejudiced, but ever since Obama got in, there’s been some mighty big changes in this country. Still,” Coursey reluctantly added, “I’m glad the Opry will be around for my grandbabies to enjoy. I know Oprah’s one of the good ones,” she added, “but down here we’re still gonna keep callin’ it the Opry!”

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