New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

Posted on October 23, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With the thoughts of racism and Donald Sterling still fresh in the minds of the NBA and its fans, a new rule change is trying to make a better case for equality in the organization. According to insiders, officials from the NBA held a meeting late Wednesday evening, and have decided on a new rule for next season.

The rule, which is being called ‘Sighting,’ refers to each team having at least one white player on the court at all times. According to reports, the NBA franchise owners have found it not fair to have all African-Americans players at one time, and wanted to create a basis for which every team would forced to have at least one white person on a team constantly playing.

“I know it seems crazy, but we have found that this may be the fairest way to going about this,” said a team owner who would only speak to us anonymously. “Race has become a big issue in our sport this year, and we knew we needed to make a change in this situation. Now, we know that the fans would rather see guys slamming in dunks and having exciting games, but in order to calm race issues in our sport, we are going to have to settle with seeing 5 foot-nothing white players barely get in a lay up now and again.”

The new rule will take effect in the 2015 NBA season, which will also force some NBA teams to draft a few new white players. According to the rule changes, any team that does not have an active white player on their roster, and on the court during play, could end up fined.

ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

Posted on October 23, 2014 by DvanL

HOUSTON, Texas –

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets. “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away. The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face. ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material. “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk. I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it. I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went. My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold. It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried. “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy. I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

iPhone App ‘Guber’ Combines Ride-Sharing, Hook-Up Services For Gay Men

Posted on October 23, 2014 by Chip

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Every day, tech companies and hungry entrepreneurs are launching new smartphone apps that promise more effective ways to manage your daily tasks. The app marketplace is so over-saturated that very few new ones receive media attention.

An exception to this rule is a new app called Guber (pronounced goober), that is currently available for iOS. Guber was created by millionaire entrepreneur Albert E. Fletcher, who is a self-acclaimed ‘social observationalist’ that claims he has had a ‘strong grasp on what the people really need, since 1945.’

Fletcher explains the app as a hybrid between Uber, a popular ride-sharing app, and Grinder, a popular ‘hook-up’ app available on most smartphones.

“This new app is designed to make it possible for homosexuals everywhere to knock out 2 birds with 1 gay stone, so to speak,” said Fletcher. Similar to Uber, Fletchers app will connect gay men that are in need of a ride with other gay men that are using their personal vehicles as a taxi cab. The big difference is that with Guber, the driver will be required to give his passenger a handjob.

According to Fletcher, the business model is a win/win for everyone involved. “Gay males are overly sexual creatures by nature; not only will Guber allow the gays to get from points A to B, it will also allow them to release their sexual energy at a fraction of the price of an upscale bathhouse. It’s also a win for the straight population, as it will certainly curb some of the rampant PDGA, or ‘Public Displays of Gay Affection.'”

“Our app gives gay men the chance to earn extra money on their own time and, of course, do what they do best,” Fletcher assured users. “Er, not that I would know they do it best, it’s just what I’ve heard. Anyway, the safety of the drivers and of the passengers is Guber’s number one priority. We NEVER require anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with. They can participate in more intimate sex acts for a larger tip if they wish, however they are never required to do anything other than the standard ol’ fashioned we offer with every ride.”

Though Fletcher himself identifies as straight, he claims to have a deep understanding and connection to the gay community. “I even has a gay nephew that I occasionally will see at family functions,” said Fletcher.

The homosexual community as a whole is naturally upset by the app, and is calling Guber and its creator ignorant, offensive, and extremely exploitive. So far, the app is only available for the San Francisco area, and has a total of 3 users. Plans to expand the app to a more nationwide audience are pending.

Toys ‘R’ Us To Pull All Toys From Shelves, Doesn’t Want To Risk Offending Anyone

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WAYNE, New Jersey –

Last week, a Florida mother petitioned big box retailer Toys ‘R’ Us to remove a line of action figures based around popular TV show Breaking Bad. The Fort Myers, Florida mother, Susan Schrivjer, started a petition on the website change.org, encouraging people to sign, hoping to get the retailer to remove the toys that she deemed were inappropriate for children.

This morning, Toys ‘R’ Us announced that, unbelievably, Schrivjer has won her battle, and the company will be removing the toys from their shelves immediately. “Let’s just say, the action figures have taken an indefinite sabbatical,” Toys R Us said in a written statement to the press. The retailer had maintained that the figures were sold in limited quantities in the adult-action-figure area of its stores, an area that every TRU store has.

Unfortunately, it looks as the retail giant will not stop with just the Breaking Bad figures, called out for their realism and adult-oriented accessories, including guns and bags of meth. Toys ‘R’ Us has officially announced that they will be pulling every toy from the shelves, lest anyone get offended.

“We know that to most people, toys, action figures, video games, and the like, are extremely mundane, and meant for fun – nothing to get offended over,” said Geoffrey Giraffe, the president of Toys ‘R’ Us. “There is that small sub-sect of people out there, though, that seek out things to be offended by, and then they start their complaints and their petitions, and it’s a media headache, and we just don’t want to deal with it, frankly.”

The company said that normally they’d be rushing to get the latest hot toys and games onto the shelves in preparation for a giant fourth-quarter and holiday season, but instead they are beginning to empty their shelves.

“Sadly, one bad egg has spoiled it for everyone. We deal with millions of customers a year, we want to make sure we listen to every single one of them. If even one is not happy, then we’re not doing our jobs. If they have a complaint, we put our tail between our legs and give in; that’s loyalty and customer dedication. Personally, I only wish we had the resolve of a company like Ben & Jerry’s,” said Giraffe, referencing that company’s announcement last week that they would not give into unnecessary and stupid customer complaint, and would continue use of the name of their ice cream ‘Hazed and Confused.’

“I think the mother who started the petition sounds like a meddling, obnoxious, do-gooder, pain in the ass,” said Robert Thomas, a customer of Toys ‘R’ Us. “I can’t believe that they’re pulling the figures. Seriously, they have Nightmare on Elm Street figures with Freddy Kruger who has knives for fingers. They have Barbies with unattainably-sized tiny hips and fat asses. They have creepy dolls that you feed and then they actually shit their diapers. Yet action figures, that no child should even be familiar with unless their parents let them watch the show in the first place, are offensive? Get a damn life, woman.”

“It’s a sad day for the world of toys and consumer choice, it really is,” said Giraffe. The company plans to remain open, despite not having any product to sell. “We may keep the candy, on the shelves, I suppose. I just hope we don’t offend any diabetics or anything.”

Redbox Partners With Vivid Entertainment, Company To Stock XXX Films In Kiosks

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Several communities across America are outraged at news released this morning of Redbox, everyone’s favorite video store replacement, partnering with porn-titans Vivid Entertainment to bring adult films to grocery store and gas station kiosks everywhere.

Redbox and Vivid made the announcement this morning that hardcore, adult entertainment will become ‘more easily accessible to consumers than ever,’ as they begin to roll out rentals of pornographic titles at all Redbox kiosks by the end of 2014. Naturally, a large concern from parents is that Rebox will not have an acceptable verification process in place.

When asked how they will ensure underage customers aren’t renting hardcore porn DVDs, Redbox responded by saying “Just like with R-rated movies we have in the kiosks now, the customer will be asked if they are over 18 and will be required to say yes.”

When is was questioned as to what would stop a child from selecting the ‘yes’ button indicating they are of legal age to obtain pornographic material, Redbox responded by saying “We’re basically operating on the honor system. We trust our customers to be honest with their responses. Besides, kids don’t have credit cards anyway.”

“We think it’s time someone put the porn rental business back on the map,” said representatives for Vivid. The company promises that each kiosk will contain at least 30 hardcore titles to choose from.

A Vivid spokesperson also guaranteed several spicy sub-genres to choose from. “We understand today’s consumer doesn’t want to watch boring, middle-aged white people have missionary sex, so we are committed to stocking each kiosk with multiple options to float your boat. You can expect interracial, BBW, fetish, Asian, and celebrity categories at each location.”

Redbox has confirmed that the new adult DVDs won’t cost the consumer any more than a standard DVD rental. According to the press release, they will also be offering a discounted Adult DVD with every standard DVD rental the week of the kick off.

Both companies have avoided directly addressing the likely hood of underage customers being able to access the pornographic material. They have each taken the stand that it’s up to the parents to manage their children’s sexual urges, and if they want to blame someone for underage children looking at boobies, they should blame the internet.

“Parents need to realize that corporations shouldn’t have to be responsible for their kids, and what they’re watching, doing, eating, or seeking out as entertainment,” said Redbox. “The old phrase ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ does not say anything about corporations and mega-companies. That said, we respect all of our customers, regardless of their horrible parenting skills.”

Unsurprisingly, one of the largest objectors to the partnership are the internet ‘tube sites’ that provide unlimited porn to millions of consumers each day. Sources have speculated that the new arrangement between Redbox and Vivid could potentially cost the top tube sites millions of dollars per year in ad revenue, assuming that people forget that anything you want can be had for free on the internet.

NFL Announces Rock ‘Supergroup’ Forming To Play Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

Posted on October 21, 2014 by skullman

GLENDALE , Arizona –

Super Bowl XLVIII is already a distant memory for NFL fans, and talks of next year’s halftime show started hitting the circuit months ago. With The Big Game to be held in just a few short months, rumors and excitement have grown over the announcement of the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Super Bowl XLIX is scheduled for play at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona at the beginning of 2015. Normally the halftime shows at the games feature a performance by a well-known rock ‘n’ roll or pop singer or group of performers. This year, the NFL has decided to go all-out, and bring in some of the biggest names in the history of music for a halftime show that could never possibly be topped.

“We honestly wanted to wait for the big S.B. 50,” said Melanie Aster, director of entertainment for the NFL. “After considering it though, we knew we just had to get all these performers together as soon as possible. It is highly likely some of them may be dead by next year, so we can’t take any chances.”

So far, the NFL has announced that the “supergroup” will consist of Roger Daltry of The Who, rapper Eminem, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, rapper Big-Boi, country music stars Garth Brooks and Wynona Judd, pop band Fall Out Boy, metal act Killswitch Engage, white-boy rapper Marky Mark, industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails, Ice Cube, shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, Keith Partridge of the Partridge Family Singers, up-and-coming rapper Hopsin, Faith Hill, 90s grunge rockers Blind Melon, Johnny Bravo from The Brady Bunch, and the New York Philharmonic.

The lineup is the most impressive one that the NFL has ever had for a halftime show, and they are extremely happy that they were able to get all the artists on board for the performance.

“It was so amazing that we were able to get this great group of performers together and they’ve all agreed to go out there and rock our 49th halftime show!” said Aster during a recent conversation with reporters and fans.

When asked if she was aware that some of these artists no longer perform, and that at least one is a fictional character, Aster had little to say on the matter.

“All I can say to you is that all of these people have signed on the dotted line, and the ink is definitely dry. We may even have some more surprises the night of game!”

When pressed for details, Aster had little to say, although she did elude to the fact that spectators should be on the lookout for possible wardrobe malfunctions.

“I’m not naming any names, but let’s all just keep an eye on Marky Mark, okay?” Aster said, laughing.

Super Bowl XLIX will be broadcast live on NBC at the beginning of 2015.

NFL To Take After NHL Hockey, Starting Use of ‘Penalty Box’ In 2015

Posted on October 21, 2014 by skullman

NEW YORK, New York –

In a bizarre move in sports today, the NFL announced that starting in the 2015 season, the sport will incorporate a ‘penalty box’ for players who are flagged for fighting or other infractions during gameplay. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced the change to a group of players, coaches, and sports writers in a closed conference Tuesday morning.

“As all fans of the NFL and football in general know, we are the laughingstock of the sports world. For years we have tried to portray ourselves as hardcore athletes, the best of the best, all the while knowing that our players generally don’t have to run for more than 20 feet at a time, and that plays usually don’t last for more than 45 seconds before action is stopped, and the players stand around doing nothing.” Goodell said, with signs of tears forming. “Our boys play anywhere from 17 to 19 times a year, and that’s it. We need to toughen them up. So it is with this in mind, that we have instituted some changes to our calendars, and to our policies.”

Goodell went on to explain that fighting would now be just a short, 5-minute stint in the penalty box, and it would be encouraged by coaches during gameplay.

“We know that the NHL leads the way in real tough-guy sports. They fight, they punch, they’ve even stabbed each other with their skates – and all they get is a couple of minutes in a box. A box where they can gloat and cheer and get the fans behind them. That’s what we need in the NFL. Understandably, this is a big change from our current standing on the matter, where a player who fights on the field could be fined hundreds of thousands of dollars and possibly even released from their team and their contract. But damnit, this is the NFL, and we’re supposed to be MEN here!” Goodall bellowed to those in attendance.

He continued by saying that all stadiums were going to be required to build boxes on either side of the field, in a 7′x7′ area. The box is to be encased in plexiglass, and players should definitely punch, headbutt, and bang on it as often as possible when sent to the box during a game.

Players commented after the conference, stating that it was a great idea and a nice change to the game.

“It’s about time this sport toughened up a bit. This is definitely going to make this game more of the bloodsport that it always portrayed itself as, but could never really be because of stupid rules,” said a player for the Denver Broncos who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t wait to get out there and crack some f—— heads.”

The new changes also included a more expanded season calendar, which has teams playing from the beginning of August and end in March, with each team playing at least 5 times a week, for a total of 150 games per team, not including post-season games.

During the questioning period after the announcement, Goodell was asked about the possibility of these new rule and schedule changes increasing the already terrifying statistics of brain injury and concussions associated with professional football.

“Yeah, probably,” he said. “But damn if it won’t be a better game to watch now, huh?”

Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

Posted on October 21, 2014 by DvanL

SAN JOSE, California –

The most infamous blue dress in the world, associated with the most sensational Presidential scandal in recent history, has reared its ugly head once again.

The garment, stained with the DNA provided by former President Bill Clinton, was originally purchased by Lewinsky from the GAP clothing store, and showed up on the online auction site BetMe.net last week. An online bidder known only as ‘William J. Slickton’ of New York, entered the winning bid of $288,050.10.

“Slick Willie” was the nickname given to Bill Clinton, a reference to his deal-making skills while Governor of Arkansas from 1979 to 1981 and from 1983 to 1992.

The question of the day is, could William J. Slickton actually be William Jefferson Clinton, 42^nd President of the United States? Although BetMe.net does not disclose personal member details beyond those provided by the user in his or her profile, what is known so far offers clues as to the identity of the winning bidder:

William Slickton has been a member of the BetMe community for 3 years. Previous winning bids have been for golf equipment, a vintage saxophone case, several crossword puzzle books, and an antique pre-Civil War hand-drawn map of Arkansas. The items link to hobbies, activities, and interests enjoyed by the former President.

Professional Hacker ‘LindaTrippster@safecrack.net’ obtained the unique IP address of William J. Slickton’s computer in order to determine the location where the auction transaction took place. The locale was Chappaqua, New York, site of the Clinton’s home.

Will this disclosure hurt former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s chances to become the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee? Empire News asked presidential historian Hedda Parsons to offer insights. “There’s always a risk of damage when bringing up a scandal,” said Parsons. “The question remains, would the former President actually be so bold as to use an online identity so closely related to his own nickname? And why would he want a dress with his DNA all over it in the first place? Everyone knows that in Washington you can’t wear the same outfit twice – let alone re-wear a dress that someone has … well, we all know the mess that was made all over that dress.”

Questions about Clinton’s judgment are indeed valid. Many feel that the choice to initiate a liaison with a 22-year-old intern in the Oval Office demonstrated a severe lapse in judgment, and it lead to Clinton’s impeachment in 1998.

As to who put the dress up for auction in the first place, Monica Lewinsky remains tight-lipped. In a statement provided by her attorney, Ms. Lewinksy said “The dress was used as evidence during Prosecutor Ken Starr’s trial and was no longer in my possession. The events in question occurred during a very dark period in my life. Since then, I have washed my hands of the whole affair and have continued to move forward.”

No comment has been issued by the former President.

U.S. Postal Service Announces Plans To Change To ‘Weekend Only’ Delivery Model

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The United States Postal Service has been considering major cutbacks over the last several years amid increased costs and fewer customers. The advent of email and other forms of communication has drastically cut back on the number of items mailed to minimal amounts compared to even a decade ago, and the agency has been looking to make changes to help save money ever since.

In a drastic change announced this morning, the Postmaster General stated that the Postal Service would be cutting back on weekday delivery, and instead moving to a ‘weekend only’ delivery schedule. This would eliminate any regular, first-class mail delivery Monday through Friday, and would pick up Sunday as an extra delivery day.

“Moving away from weekdays and into just weekends will save the Postal Service millions upon millions of dollars every year,” said Mr. Grumman Ellelvee, the Postmaster General. “We have toyed with the idea many times of eliminating Saturday deliver, and sticking with just weekdays, but that would only save a pittance in comparison to doing the reverse, and eliminating delivery through the week.”

Ellelvee went on to say that postal workers would be happier, as their stressful weeks would be cut down by 66%.

“The safety and health of our employees is of a top priority,” said Ellelvee. “So we will be substantially raising the salary for our workers to compensate for the lost time. Even with that one cost increase, we will still save money on transportation, fuel, vehicle maintenance, shipment, and other costs.”

When asked to explain some of the hardships being faced by the Postal Service, Ellelvee was very open about the current state, as well as the future, of the post office.

“We just can’t keep up anymore, it’s very expensive to ship and move all these mail items and packages. Many people don’t know this, but Netflix was pretty much keeping us alive for years with their disc-by-mail model. Ever since streaming became more popular, we just don’t have as much mail anymore, and without mail, we don’t make as much money. That’s why switching gears, moving to this new model, could help keep the post office alive and well for years to come.”

The U.S. Postal Service says the remainder of 2014 will continue on normal schedules, and the new system should be beginning January 1st, 2015. The new changes will not affect overnight delivery or international shipments.

New Eco-Friendly Laws Could Force NASCAR To Race Solely With Electric Vehicles

Posted on October 20, 2014 by JP

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

Die hard NASCAR fans are not going to happy with a new eco-friendly law that is circulating in congress. The new law, House Act E.205, states that any car being used for entertainment purposes would have to be electrical. This means that NASCAR, monster trucks, demolition derbies, and others, would all have to switch to electric vehicles.

The NASCAR organization has taken steps over the last several years into researching and building their own electric cars, which would make them set and ready to race eco-friendly if the law passes. Regardless of the law and its outcome, though, NASCAR insiders say it’s very possible that fans could start seeing all-electric, eco-friendly cars being raced, at least in minor circuits.

“It’s fun to see cars that go 200 mph around a track in a circle for hours and hours, but that takes a lot of fuel,” said NASCAR pit-crew leader Joe Goldsmith. “The new electric cars, they’ll be going maybe 60 to 75 mph, so the thrill won’t be there, but we’ll be saving the environment, and that’s a wonderful thing, or at least that’s what they’re telling me to say.”

NASCAR fans are naturally outraged by the news or such a major impending change to their beloved sport, and many have been taking to social media, leaving heated comments on the NASCAR Facebook and Twitter pages.

“This is America! We like to waste as many natural resources as possible for the good of entertainment!” Posted Aaron Silver, of Atlanta, to the NASCAR Facebook page. “Next you’ll be telling me what I can and can’t eat during the races. F— that, I’ll eat all the damn Doritos I want, and ya’ll won’t stop me!”

“It’s shifting gears, and drinking beers! Not pushing a button, and hoping for something,” said Jeff Lorde, of Topeka. His comment on the NASCAR Twitter page had over 600 retweets.

NASCAR representatives say that even if the changes are inevitable, the sport would not suffer entirely.

“In the end we’ll still be serving beer at all our events, so whether the cars race at 70 mph or at 200 mph, you’ll still be able to get just as drunk as always,” said Goldsmith. “If that isn’t what racing is all about, then I don’t know what is.”