Otis Brands Elevator Company Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

Posted on September 10, 2014 by IHacklesworth

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey –

Following release by TMZ this week of a video showing NFL player Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancee in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, Otis Elevator, manufacturer of most of the world’s elevators, has decided to let Rice go as celebrity Spokesperson for its new ad campaign, “An Uplifting Story”. The lucrative endorsement deal was said to have totaled in the many hundreds of dollars, and persons close to the disgraced football star say he is floored by the decision.

Otis public relations officer, Carl Winters, said it was a difficult action to take, but necessary. “Mister Rice’s endorsement had been very good for the elevator business, Otis in particular,” Winters told us by phone from his College Park, Maryland office. “Overall elevator ridership was up 3% over fiscal year 2013, and focus groups easily identified Otis Elevator as the ‘Ray Rice elevator company.”

Winters said they had been looking forward to many years of association with Mr Rice and “as his career grew, we hoped to see our profits hit new heights, no pun intended. But we cannot, in good conscience, have anyone associated with our brand who treats other riders so disrespectfully. It bursts the bubble of the public’s fascination with elevator transportation, and overnight polls already show a drop off in ridership and an increase use of stairs and escalators across the country.”

An industry insider told Empire that by 6 AM the day following the video release, work crews had fanned out across the major US cities to remove Mr Rice’s likeness from billboards and buses advertising the Otis Elevator brand, but noted sadly that this gives the entire elevator transportation industry a black eye.

Junior Semples, President of the International Elevator Operators and Riders Consortium, told us that this will not deal a death blow to the industry, but it is already having a negative impact that will take some time to heal.

“I have heard complaints from parents all morning with fears their children may be subjected to these so-called ‘Knockout game-style punches’ if they ride an elevator,” he said. “I don’t know what to tell them except they should always be very careful when traveling by elevator, and whenever possible an adult should accompany children in a no more than five-to-one ratio.”

“Persons riding on an elevator should not have to fear for their safety,” said Semples. “This incident brings up a lot of troubling questions, for instance, was Ray Rice ever given proper training in elevator etiquette and safety? Should we allow NFL players to travel by elevator at all? Why doesn’t the NFL require players to wear a name tag that clearly identifies them as an NFL player so persons entering an elevator can decide for themselves whether they want to risk traveling with them? That is, at least, until all NFL players are re-educated on proper elevator transportation protocols.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 1.39.35 PM — In this image from captured security footage, we can clearly see the need for this hotel to upgrade to cameras made post-1993.

In his weekly Saturday morning address, President Obama is expected to talk about the Federal government’s response to the elevator tragedy. Sources on Capitol Hill have hinted that the President is planning to take executive action by assigning a highly trained guard to travel in elevators nationwide on a random basis, much the same way that Air Marshals have increased their presence in airplanes as more and more attempted attacks take place. There is a possibility that the White House will utilize Homeland Security Border Patrol agents not currently engaged in babysitting the hundreds of thousands of undocumented children who crossed the border this year for their new ‘elevator watch.’

“It’s like 1972 all over again,” Semples said, referring to the release year for the motion picture The Godfather, which showed fictional mobster Victor Stracci being gunned down in an elevator. “Ridership plummeted after that damn movie came out, especially in parts of the country with large Italian-American populations. Took years for the industry to rebound, just like the big hit the bathroom shower industry took in 1960 after Janet Leigh was hacked to death in a shower at the Bates Motel. I just hope this Ray Rice incident won’t cause the same slump, because in this economy that could mean a loss of jobs.”

Mr Rice could not be reached for comment.

Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom

Posted on September 10, 2014 by JP

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

A plane that was traveling to LAX Airport in California from Minnesota was forced to make an abrupt landing after a passenger became extremely hostile during the flight. Crew members on the plane tried to resolve the issue while the flight was taking course, but after the passenger continued to throw a temper tantrum, the captain decided that for the safety of the passengers, he would make an unscheduled landing.

The reasoning behind the hostility and frustration was Matthew Flynn, 35, and his ‘bathroom phobia.’ Flynn claimed he was afraid to use a toilet while in the sky, but that a poor choice in his pre-flight meal caused his stomach issues.

“I ate a lot of humus and drank a lot of coffee before the flight,” said Flynn. “Looking back on this decision, I thought I would be able to wait to relive myself at my hotel in California. When we got in the air and my stomach started grumbling, I knew I really only had two options – either go in my pants, or make a scene so badly they would have to stop the flight.”

The second option worked for Flynn, as the plane made an unscheduled landing in Provo, Utah. Unfortunately, as regulations have tightened on flights over the years, Flynn was arrested as soon as the plane hit the ground.

Flynn was charged with a number of different accounts, but to add salt to the wound, he picked up another charge while police were putting him into custody. Flynn was charged with public indecency after defecating himself and removing his pants.

“I tried to beg for them to let me use the bathroom, but they didn’t listen,” said Flynn. “Next time, I’ll skip the meal and try and hold it. I’ve flown several times before this, and never had a problem.”

“We all hate pooping in public places, that’s a given,” said arresting officer Joe Goldsmith of the TSA. “This, though, is a little ridiculous. When you gotta go, you just go, you know? Mr. Flynn is something extra, special, that’s for sure.”

The remaining passengers on Flynn’s flight were stuck on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes before the flight was cleared to continue.

Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

Posted on September 9, 2014 by hollywriter1

MIAMI, Florida –

Joe Pruitt, a 74-year-old Miami resident, used to enjoy waiting in line for his prescriptions at the pharmacy every month. He considered this ritual of getting his Xanax, pain-killers, and Viagra as a pleasant experience, and he’d go home immediately to wash down his pills with a gin gimlet. He says that his trip to the pharmacy served as a comfort, to fill the empty void of his life as a retiree with kids who resent him and never call. All of that changed last month when a pharmacy employee did the ‘unthinkable.’

“That young whipper-snapper must have too many holes in her head from all those piercings. She told me that the doctor had not called in my prescription,” Pruitt said wringing his hands in anger. “Then she wouldn’t even check the bin for my bloody prescriptions, claiming she was ‘too busy’ and to come back later.”

Fuming and confused, Pruitt says he drove all the way home, up hill both ways, to call his doctor from his landline home phone. After waking from his regular afternoon nap, Pruitt says something ‘unbelievable’ happened.

“Around 5 pm, I went back to get my pills. The damn nine-to-fivers were rushing the pharmacy, and I had to wait in line for over thirty minutes,” said Pruitt. “That is when it came to me. A nice lady named Anna Smith, who was waiting in line to pick up an prescription enema for her son, was the first to hear of my new plan.”

“He was kind of making me uncomfortable,” Smith said, “and he was sort of mumbling to himself incoherently about robots and machines, and the ‘kids today.’ I was just hoping he wasn’t about to have a stroke.”

Although Smith says she was just scared listening to Pruitt talk, she should have listened a little closer, because Pruitt was describing an invention that may well revolutionize an entire industry.

“My idea is a machine that can help us all. I’ve invented an automatic, electronic pill dispenser. The pills are pre-filled by a doctor or whoever controls the meds these days – a politician, I guess – then all patients have to do is insert a card with their prescription on it. The machines reads it, and pills are dropped from inside. Kinda like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from a vending machine, or for us old-timers, a pack of smokes.”

When Pruitt was asked whether or not he minded that he would be destroying jobs in the pharmaceutical industry, he seemed to not really care about the welfare of the next generation.

“That pharmacist’s job was just to put little pills into a bottle, and she couldn’t even do that right. Now she will be out of a job because, and I’m glad for it. Who needs these young ankle-biters when you can have a perfectly good machine to do the same job, only more effectively? This will teach them young ‘uns to get between me and erections or my naps,” Pruitt said, cackling in a creepy old-man kind of way.

With Pruitt’s new fortune he plans to put thousands upon thousands of pierced and tattooed millenials out of their jobs, and he can’t wait start on his next big idea – creating robot replacements for Starbucks baristas.

Family Claims ‘Fracking’ Responsible For Their Son’s Improved Report Card

Posted on September 9, 2014 by mattwardcomedy

TRIADELPHIA, West Virginia –

A Triadelphia, West Virginia family is claiming that recent changes to the local water supply brought on by the hydraulic fracturing, or ‘fracking’ as it is commonly known in the media, have been anything but harmful to their 10-year-old son Dale. Beverly and Dale Cochran Sr. say that since they began noticing a different taste to their tap water, they have seen a dramatic improvement in test scores for their son Dale Jr. Dale Sr. believes this coincides with the beginning of the Marcellus Shale gas exploration projects in the area.

“People are all up in arms about fracking, but I am all for it. Not only has it brought jobs to the area allowing my tackle and bait store to become quite successful, but Jr. has done so much better in school since the fracking,” said Dale Sr. “And it’s not just us that are seeing differences. A handful of other parents we know have made similar claims about their kids.”

“Dale Jr. went from a weak, C+ average student, to a very impressive B- student,” said school principal Monica Spooner. “I hear he even got an A on an English test last week. That sort of thing just doesn’t happen often here at Westdale High School. We quite honestly thought the kid was a dullard, but he showed everyone on test day, that’s for sure. Fracking may have saved this kid’s future.”

Others are skeptical, including Dr. Catherine Thomasson of the Physicians for Social Responsibility. “There is absolutely no proof that any aspect of hydraulic fracturing could result in increased performance from students in the area. It is far more likely that now that the families in the area have seen improved financial situations, they are able to afford amenities that improve the mental well-being of their children, resulting in slight improvements in their scholastic achievements.”

Locals that are on the fence about fracking in the area also don’t seem convinced that the Cocharan’s theory holds water. Local Triadelphia physicians refused comment on the Cochran’s claims.

“Many of these folks around here ain’t going to talk to you,” said BJ Steiner, a barber in nearby Moundsville. “They don’t want those guys to come knocking on their door after they speak up. Personally, I think that Dale just wants those workers to buy his custom-made flies to take up in the hills when they go trout fishing in their time off, like they tend to do.”

Empire News reached out to representatives at Range Resources Appalachia LLC, one of the primary companies involved in the industry in the West Virgina panhandle area, and they told us “While we appreciate the support the Cochrans are giving us, there are still no conclusive tests that prove our process has any effect on the local waterways or water supply,” stated Range Resources Public Relations Manager Ronald Figgins.

“They can say what they want, I know that when my child started showering more regularly and drinking a glass full of tap water every day instead of Mountain Dew like all his other classmates drink, He got smarter. Period,” Dale Sr. said. “And if anyone doesn’t believe me, they can come talk to me in person at my shop, Cochran’s Camp and Fish Gear, located on Halifax St. I’ll be there Monday through Saturday from 9am til’ close.”

Six-Year Old Steps On Crack, Breaks Mother’s Back

Posted on September 8, 2014 by DvanL

SALINA, Kansas –

First-grader Timothy Barton enjoys things that typical youngsters enjoy — playing with action figures, spending time with his older brother Tucker, and running around the house. When asked to name his favorite food, he enthusiastically replies “pizza!”

“He loves jumping,” says the six-year-old’s mother, Judy. He jumps on everything.” Barton, the mother of two young sons, is now confined to a hospital bed, recuperating from a spinal fracture suffered as a result of Timothy’s high-spiritedness. “He’s very energetic.”

Judy was practicing yoga when Timothy, just up from an afternoon nap, dashed from his bedroom to the kitchen for a snack. “I was on the living room floor and he ran right over my butt, and I heard a ‘pop.’ I knew something was wrong. I crawled to the phone and called 911.”

While Timothy was enjoying his snack, unaware that he had seriously injured his mother, EMT crews worked to stabilize Judy, who complained of dizziness and numbness in her legs and feet.

“She was going into shock,” said Midge Wood, emergency responder first to arrive on the scene. “I kept telling her to breathe. I kept telling her to stay alert. She did pretty well, considering.”

Fortunately for Judy, doctors say her back injury will not result in permanent damage.

“She got lucky,” said Dr. Heather Hammond, of the Salina Regional Health Center. “We took a series of x-rays, and did an MRI scan which revealed no permanent damage. She dislocated the LI vertebra in her lower back. There may be some temporary nerve damage and she’s going to need rest, and then physical therapy, but we’re confident she’ll be back on her feet very soon.”

Barton’s architect husband, Scott, rushed to his wife’s bedside upon hearing the news. “Judy called me and told me she was at the hospital and immediately I thought Timmy or our other son Tucker had hurt himself or banged his head or something. I didn’t expect this. He’s at that age you know, where he bangs into everything, he jumps off the bed pretending to be Superman, knocks things over – you know how kids are.”

“Mommy’s going to be in the hospital,” said Timothy. “Daddy’s going to stay home to take care of me and Tucker so Mommy can get better again and come home later. I got sad when she had to go to the hospital.”

“It’s just one of those things,” said Judy, as Timothy and brother Tucker jumped on the empty bed on the opposite side of the room. I’m pretty tough and I’ll bounce back from this like everything else,” she added. “Timmy-boy feels pretty bad, but I told him Mommy’s going to be all right, it was just an accident. The staff here has been super. They brought Timmy some pizza and gave the boys some hospital gowns and masks to wear, so we’ll be all right.”

Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

Posted on September 7, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Amid controversy and facing the lowest approval rating in history, members of the U.S. Congress begrudgingly cut short their summer recess and returned to Washington one week early, in order to pass a number of emergency measures.

“The growing conflict in the Middle East, and our own economic crisis closer to home mean that we all have to make sacrifices,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing paler than usual. “My golf vacation was cut short, so I spent less time in the sun,” he said. “That was my sacrifice. The President still has not managed to pull us out of the deepest recession we’ve ever faced, no matter how many bills he sends down to us that we refuse to act upon.”

One proposed economy-saving measure causing a great deal of uproar is H.R. 7643, The Defense of Domestic Marriage Destination Act, introduced the day after Labor Day. The bill prohibits destination weddings that take place outside the borders of the United States and its territories in an effort to keep revenue from enriching other countries.

“We’re losing billions of dollars each year because self-centered newlyweds, mostly liberals, refuse to keep American money inside America,” said Rep. Steve King, Republican from Iowa’s 4^th District. Airplanes, hotels, food – all of this capital is being outsourced to foreign countries, and these are just ‘tip-of-the-iceberg’ issues,” he added. “That’s why I came back early from my vacation trip to Spain.”

In 2013, the U.S. wedding industry generated $51 billion in revenue, according to the financial journal Revenue Tracker.

According to Brides Magazine, wedding photographers, lawn chair manufacturers, spray tan technicians, gown designers, shoe dyers, and ring bearer/flower girl trainers are just some of the 800,000 professionals employed by the domestic wedding industry each year.

Brides’ executive editor Connie Nast says, “This is not the right way to go about fixing the economy. If I were a bride today, forced with the prospect of keeping my marriage domestic,” says Nast, “I would be absolutely livid with rage. The government has no right to put restrictions on where and when married couples should have the most stressful and happiest day of their lives. I was married in London, and it was magnificent.”

New York City bride-to-be Tara Faulkner had this to say, while at her final fitting at Brooklyn’s famous Kleinfeld Bridal. “Nobody, not nobody, and that includes the President, or even the executive director of Congress or whatever she calls herself – Pelosi, Mary Pelosi I think is her name – well, she’s not going to tell me what to do. I’m a U.S. citizen of America and if I choose to take my money out of my country, then that’s nobody’s damn business but my own!”

“It’s going to be a rough ride,” said Boehner, as he conferred with aides on plans and strategies for the upcoming last session of the 113^th Congress.

Boehner will be meeting with members of Washington’s powerful bridal lobby later in the week. “Yup,” the Speaker sighed, “vacation’s over.”

YouTube Comedy Show in Hot Water Over ‘Baby in Car’ Sketch

Posted on September 7, 2014 by mattwardcomedy

TEMPE, Arizona –

In light of the recent headlines regarding children dying in vehicles, the video sketch comedy troupe that goes by “Windproof Comedy” has recently had their YouTube account suspended over a sketch comedy bit they did about a baby being ‘cooked in a soup pot” within a vehicle that was filmed on a 100 degree day in Tempe, Arizona.

In the sketch, a man and woman would occasionally use a remote to roll down the back window just enough to thrust various vegetables into the soup pot where a realistic baby doll sat submerged in steaming water. Passersby grew concerned and the police were called shortly after a man jogging stopped and attempted to punch the window out of the sketch groups 2007 Subaru Forester. No charges were filed by the police that responded to the scene.

Glenda Rollins, a local woman in the area shopping told authorities, “This baby really looked alive and struggling, I was yelling and screaming at the passing jogger and he stopped and busted up his whole wrist and fist trying to smash the glass. It must have been bulletproof.”

Trevor Blake of Windproof Comedy says he was shocked at the reaction to the sketch filming. “The baby totally didn’t look real. People are ridiculous.” he told us. “When the dude started trying to punch the window out of my Forester I will be honest, I started to freak out a little bit. I just had my window busted out in front of my apartment and it was like $200 to get fixed.”

The group eventually posted a version of the sketch that included the man attempting to bust his window out. YouTube pulled the clip when the weak fisted jogger, Dale Bernhardt, reported it for not having his permission to be filmed. The video spent 16 hours online before it was finally pulled and was viewed nearly 98,000 times by folks in 26 countries according to Blake. “We were really just trying to shed more light on the epidemic of children and animals being left in hot cars that is going on right now.” said Trevor. “We had done the same thing not long ago but instead used a stuffed cat and no one seemed to give a s—.”

When we spoke to the Tempe Police Department Officer that responded to the call he said, “They weren’t breaking any ‘laws’ per se, but that was a pretty dumb, tasteless thing to do. If I had been walking by I probably would have shot the window out.”

Trevor Blake began filming sketches in the summer of 2012 with his friends Matt Becker and Courtney Johnson. Their biggest other YouTube success being a 3 minute sketch about being tasered for trying to high-five Senator Gabrielle Giffords.

Funnel Cake Stand Survives Category F4 Tornado

Posted on September 6, 2014 by DvanL

NORFOLK, Nebraska –

Ask anyone within 50 miles of Norfolk, Nebraska where to go for the best funnel cake in town and you’ll hear the same answer: “Go to Meemaw Jane’s. Her funnel cake is out of this world!”

Sadly, never a truer word was spoken, as mourners gathered at the former site of Meemaw Jane’s cake stand, the only structure left intact after a massive F4 tornado destroyed the town’s landscape, wiping out an entire community in an instant.

“It happened so fast,” said ‘Meemaw’s’ daughter, Barbara Treen. One minute it was bright and sunny, then all of a sudden, the clouds moved in, and just like all the people say on The Weather Channel, it sounded like a freight train right on top of the house — hailstones as big as my shoe, thunder and lightning. That’s the last thing I remember.”

“Meemaw Jane Treen’s funnel cakes sent more of this town’s young people to college than I can count on both hands,” said Norfolk Mayor Sue Fuchtman, as she placed a bouquet of flowers in the stainless steel fry cooker beside the Formica counter where Meemaw once proudly served. “Meemaw Jane donated so much of her proceeds to an educational fund for children wishing to study fairground culinary arts.”

“She hung on until the last customer got their cake,” recalled daughter Barbara. I started to pack up because the sky was getting dark. I told her ‘Turn off the oil and close up Meemaw,’ but she wouldn’t do it. There were still 2 customers waiting and she never let a customer go home empty handed. That’s the last thing I heard her say: ‘I never let a customer go home empty handed.’ And then, up she went.”

The tornado swept through town with less than a moment’s warning.

“Next thing I knew,” said Barbara, “I woke up in the parking lot under a pile of debris. I kept screaming ‘Where’s Meemaw? Where’s Meemaw’ but no one answered me. I knew she was gone.”

Meemaw Jane embodied the American success story. Originally from Denmark, Treen arrived in America with only a recipe, a dream, and fifty cents to her name. She settled in this small Nebraska town, set up shop, and became a local legend.

“Meemaw Jane’s legacy will live on for generations,” said Mayor Fuchtman. “Many of us took her classes – cotton candy making, toffee apple wrapping, meat on a stick – she was an inspiration to us all and we thank her for her service. Do you remember when the Food Network people came out to interview her just three short years ago?” asked the mayor. “I certainly do! That put us on the map and it’s just so sad.”

Meemaw’s bruised and battered remains were located 30 yards from her cake stand, flung atop an upturned recycling bin – her twisted and curled frame ironically resembling the shape of the thousands of funnel cakes she so tenderly prepared. The whereabouts of her last 2 customers are unknown.

“I didn’t even recognize her. Then I saw the apron,” said her daughter, through tears. “She was all coiled up with powdered sugar in her hair, just like an angel. She had a sweet little smile on her face. I covered her with the apron ‘til until the ambulance came. I bought her that silly apron and she just laughed and laughed,” said Treen, sobbing uncontrollably. “She wore it all the time. All the time.”

“We will rebuild,” said Mayor Fuchtman, and this funnel cake stand will be the new center of town! This spot shall be known from this day forward as The Meemaw Jane Memorial Cake Square,” she declared, her voice drowned out over the cheers and applause of the crowd. “We owe it to her! She will be missed!”

Treen vows to carry on the tradition that her mother began nearly 50 years ago. Addressing the crowd she said: “We’re going to get back out there and do what Meemaw would want us to do!” I promise you, the minute I get this back brace off, I’m going to stand tall, fire up some oil and get to frying!”

A makeshift flag pole was erected, Meemaw’s apron attached by its strings, flying at half-mast and waving in the gentle breeze — its message easing the pain felt by many. “Life Is Short – Eat Dessert First” it proudly proclaims, a fitting tribute to a town’s unforgettable and much loved Danish heroine.

Meteorologists Predict Record-Shattering Snowfall Coming Soon

Posted on September 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SILVER SPRING, Maryland –

Chances are you will hear a lot about El Niño in the next month or two. Meteorologists and weather science experts at the National Weather Service (NWS) say that there is a 99% chance that the we will start to see a massive cold-front sooner in the year than has ever happened, which will produce not just record-breaking snowfall, but according to Dr. Boris Scvediok, a doctor of global weather sciences, record shattering snow storms across the board, affecting the entire United States.

“For the sake of comparison to the past winter, lets say that your area received a total of twenty inches of accumulative snow for the season. Because this year the snowfall is predicted to start by the end of September or the beginning of October, you can expect to multiply that number by up to five, ten, maybe even twenty times in some areas. In the worst zones, you could see 50 times the amount of snow you’ve had in the past. This is the type of winter the American public needs to prepare for. Several meteorologists are saying not to buy into what the models are showing. I can tell you from forty years of scientific weather research, they are doing you a disservice,” Dr. Scvediok told the Associated Press on Friday. “The Northeast, Ohio Valley, and Midwestern states will definitely get hit the hardest.”

Edward F. Blankenbaker, Senior Administrator of Meteorologists, also told the media that this will be a once-in-a-lifetime kind of snowy winter.

“Pretty much everyone will see snow like they never have in their lives. Most younger people don’t even know what an actual blizzard looks like, but by the end of March, they will be seasoned survivalists,” Blankenbaker said. “Everyone needs to make sure they have their weather emergency kits prepared and ready to go. There will undoubtably be mass power outages, which along with freezing temperatures and enough snowfall to immobilize entire cities, will most likely, and unfortunately, be a very dangerous recipe. Safety always comes first and the time to prepare is right now.”

Along with the mention of severe winter weather, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) predicts supply and demand could cause shortages, causing the prices of bread and milk to increase substantially. FDA spokesperson Rebecca Miller suggests alternatives in preparation of the coming months.

“We are encouraging that you go out and purchase bulk amounts of dry, powdered milk which can be stored in your cupboards. This will prevent frantic trips to grocery stores and super markets as the onslaught of storms begin to fall upon your respected region.” Miller said. “As far as bread, we suggest you buy as much as you can efficiently store in your freezer. Bread can be frozen and thawed without compromising the integrity of its quality. Preparations such as these are crucial and the fact that technology has brought us to a time and place in which such events can be predicted is quite remarkable. So stock up on your powdered milk and fill your freezer with loaves of bread, because once the blankets of snow begin to fall, brave souls will confront the elements to raid stores of these products like some sort of scavenger hunt. Don’t be a part of the Snowpocolypse, it’s a dangerous battlefield of crazed-shopping, winter-bitten weather zombies.”

milkbread — Stock up! Prices could more than triple in some locations

Public safety organizations also encourage the masses to prepare themselves by obtaining proper necessities. James Satterfield from the National Fire and Safety Advisory Board says preparation can save lives. “Don’t wait until temperatures plummet into a freeze; obtain cold weather clothing and footwear, including wool thermal socks. It is also crucial to have plenty of batteries, candles, weather radios, you name it. Get prepared, it’s coming.” Satterfield stated. “First and foremost, make sure you have an effective plan in place to make sure you have plenty of bread and milk.”

Dr. Scvediok says to be prepared for a storm that could come as early as the end of September, and plan for the entire winter season, which this year, he says, will more than likely spread into next June.

Dr. Oz Research Shows Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

Posted on September 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television star Dr. Mehmet Oz, who also directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital located in New York City, announced that extensive medical research on how one can make themselves appear thinner has concluded, and the results are groundbreaking. Their discovery was that hanging out with people who are more overweight than you will actually make you appear thinner.

“It is a joy to reach this conclusion, which will most certainly improve the quality of life and socialization of those who build a new group of friends who are fatter than they are. Being the ‘thin’ guy, or gal, in the crowd will make you the ever-so-popular life of the party. Many Americans are completely satisfied with their large figures and that is perfectly okay because they make the best friends!” Dr. Oz enthusiastically expressed during a daily taping of his popular television daytime life and health talk show, Dr. Oz, on Friday.

The month-long study included sixty single, overweight volunteers, many considered obese, split into six groups. The person with the lowest body fat percentage was then declared the priority test subject. Each group proceeded to go out and participate in random social events during the day and hit the bars at night. All six priority test subjects reported their sex lives had improved dramatically, and felt an overwhelming improvement in self-esteem while socializing with the nine chunkier friends.

“It is a win/win situation,” Oz said. “Obese people get to make lots of friends, while the average beer-bellied bachelor draws all the attention, vastly improving social skills for all involved. There is always one person who stands out in the crowd, you can still be overweight, just make sure your friends are more overweight. Frequent places that attract a lot of overweight people such as buffets and bingo halls, those places are packed to the gills with satisfied, big, loving, wonderful human beings. Use Facebook or Twitter to stay in touch with your skinny friends, just don’t go out with them anymore.”

Some members of the audience left in disgust, saying Dr. Oz is spreading exploitation of overweight people, such as Mary Parker from Dayton, Ohio. “I can’t believe Dr. Oz is telling everybody to hang out with people fatter than them, I am usually the big girl, where am I supposed to search for friends? I’m usually the one at the buffet with a stack of five or six plates,” Parker said.

Others left with a completely different point of view, such as Josh Sweeney from Fairdale, Kentucky. “I’ll tell ya what, if they don’t like it, this is what they need to do, lose some f**king weight. It’s their choice ya know?” Sweeney blatantly stated. “I have lots of fat friends, that’s why I have such a pretty girlfriend. Keep your fat friends close!” Sweeney added.

It seems that the late, great Rodney Dangerfield was a genius after all. Dangerfield once said, “I found that there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people!” His words at the time, though had been interpreted as some joke, fetching no legitimate respect.

New York-Presbyterian Hospital.^[14] His research interests include heart replace