Saturn Will Be At Closest Point To Earth In Over 4,000 Years On May 31st

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WORLDWIDE –

NASA has confirmed that on May 31st, Saturn will be closer to Earth than it has been in over 4,000 years, with a spectacle that will be “unlike any other” astronomical sight people have seen.

“Saturn does not often come this close to Earth, and this will be a sight no one currently living has ever seen,” said NASA spokesman George Pooler. “We are extremely excited to be able to better study this planet, but also that people will be able to get a glimpse of an amazing, ringed planet, which is not something normally able to happen.”

Pooler says that NASA hopes to be able to see the opposite side of Saturn as it rotates by, something that they have never been able to photograph previously.

“In 1980, Saturn came very close, but not as close as it will come this time,” said Pooler. “We have some images of Saturn from the last rotation, but this will be an amazing sight that will blow the last time out of the water. We are expecting that on May 31st, we will be able to see Saturn here in the United States at approximately 4:45PM EST. Get your cameras ready, as this experience is once-in-a-lifetime.”

17 Kids Die After Peanut Butter Sandwich Brought Into Kindergarten Classroom

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STETSON, Michigan –

Superintendent Jamie Gross of SAD 49 in Michigan says she regrets lifting the school-wide ban on peanut butter, which had been in place for five years to make the school safe for people with peanut allergies.

“I had a lot of pressure to lift the ban, and I could not have foreseen what would happen,” she said during a recent press conference. When the ban was lifted, parents rejoiced, able to send their children to school with inexpensive peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Lunchlady Martha Serra says the kids went wild. “Most of those kids wanted peanut butter and jelly. They’d been spoiled by ham and roast beef. Sandwiches went flying. They opened them up and smeared them on the walls. Of course the kids with the allergies, they went a different kind of crazy at the sight of peanut butter. I saw one of the girls shoving sandwich after sandwich in her mouth, grabbing them out of lunchboxes, picking them up off the floor.”

17 children with peanut allergies died in the incident, and Gross says they will be reinstating the ban.

“It wasn’t so stupid after all, was it?” she said. “Next time we have a ban, please, stop protesting it and let it happen. It’s probably for a reason.”

New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

Nike Admits To Making Some Shoes From Skin of Elephants

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GROVER, Kansas –

After a boycott hashtag surfaced last month over Nike making their sneakers using the skin of elephants, the company stayed very mum on the subject, and made no public comment on the viral images and memes. Today, though, the massive shoe empire came forward, and admitted that they had been using the hide of many animals, including elephants, to make their shoes.

“We are extremely sorry that we did not make this known to our customers when they purchased our shoes, but we are, to be honest, embarrassed about it,” said a statement. “We began making Nike shoes in a different time, and it wasn’t as looked down upon to make our shoes from the skin of animals, even endangered ones. Once things took off, though, there was no stopping.”

Nike says that they have used elephant, lion, cat, snake, and even giraffe skin in their shoes over the years, and that they had never been able to find a suitable faux substitute that would also be able to hold up in the same way their shoes could.

“Animal hides are rough, rugged, and tough, and they keep our shoes lasting, while also allowing us to charge a premium for the shoes,” said the company in the same statement. “We are currently developing new materials that we can make the shoes out of, while still maintaining the same quality our customers have come to know.”

American Psychiatric Association Officially Condones Pedophilia

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has released their latest journal, and it is causing an uproar in the psychiatric and medical communities. The APA, which is responsible for classifying and normalizing mental and sexual proclivities, has stated in their latest journal that pedophilia is a “natural, and ‘okay'” response.

“Ever since the government began its quest to “normalize” homosexuality and other perverse sexual behavior, conservatives have been saying it’s a slippery slope,” said Dr. Greg Carson of the APA. “Since children are reaching puberty earlier than ever before, sex with 11 to 14-year-olds should not be considered wrong. We found that at least a sizable minority of normal males would like to have sex with children, and normal males are aroused by children. With this information, we went ahead and published our study.”

The “Classifying Sex: Debating DSM-5” conference that happened in February in Washington featured speakers who condoned pedophilia as “natural and normal for males.” DSM-5 is short for the 5th volume of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which classifies disorders as provided by the APA.

Lawmakers are currently deciding whether pedophilia should still be illegal, as homosexuality was also once an illegal activity, until it was later discovered – and condoned – by the APA to be part of a normal, healthy mental state.

Woman In Kansas Becomes Last In Country To Use Dial-Up Internet Service

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ROGERS, Kansas –

Maryanne Richards is not new to the world wide web. In fact, she’s had a computer with internet access in her home since December of 1998, when her brother gave her his old Dell for Christmas and signed her up for NetZero, an internet service provider who used to offer free dial-up internet service to its customers.

The thing about Richards, though, is that since 1998 she has been using that same Dell laptop and her same free NetZero dial-up subscription. While everyone else has upgraded to high-speed internet through cable or telephone providers, Ms. Richards says she has no reason to “speed through the web.”

“I’ve never been a woman who needed to get where she was going lightning fast. I am too old now, especially, and too set in my ways to worry about upgrading and fast speed interwebs and the ePads and the smartyphones, and all that nonsense.”

Richards was recently contacted by NetZero, who long ago switched to offering DSL based broadband internet, to let her know she was the last person on their network still using the antiquated dial-up system.

“They contact me every month or so, asking me to get into their new packages. I don’t wanna any of it. This dial-in service is all free, and I don’t mind the ads that pop up all the time. Usually they’re about pills I don’t need because I don’t need a bigger erection,” said Richards.

NetZero representatives say that are actually willing to offer to upgrade Richards to a new, faster service and keep her at the free monthly subscriber rate she’s had for the last 18 years. Plus, as a long-time customer they offered to gift her with a brand new Windows 10 laptop, but even to that Ms. Richards has passed.

“Nope, nope. Just let me be. Between you media people, the NetZero people, and my grandkids, I get enough hounding about my old technology. I don’t want to get anything new. Besides, why would they want to give me Windows number 8 when I’m already using Windows number 95?”

Woman Claims Defective Vibrator Got Her Pregnant

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GREENVALE, Georgia –

A young woman from Georgia claims she found herself pregnant after using a faulty vibrator. Kristy Richards, 28, claims she has fallen victim to a mechanical failure of the device that was recently bought off the internet.

“I was starting to use my new toy when it made a strange noise, and then it started shaking like crazy,” said Richards. “It felt like I had jackhammer between my legs! I managed to take it out just as it was spurting white goo all over the place. I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks later. Thankfully, actually, as my boyfriend is sterile and we were not able to have children otherwise.”

Anthony Richards, 30, admits he was devastated by the news at first, but is now happy with the situation.

“My first thought was that she had cheated on me, but when she told me that her vibrator was defective, I breathed a sigh of relief,” he told reporters. “We were not expecting this, but God obviously had different plans for us.”

The couple originally considered suing the manufacturer of the sex toy, but changed their minds when they realized that their every prayer had been answered by the defect.

“Of course we did not anticipate raising a child so soon into our relationship, so that’s a downfall. Plus, there are people in his family who want me to get a DNA test, because they still think I cheated. That’s dumb! I would never do such a thing. We all know it was the defective toy that got me pregnant.”

The couple say that they are “extremely relieved” that they no longer have to worry about expensive fertility treatments.

600,000 People Show Up In Support of Donald Trump In Los Angeles

Posted on April 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Donald Trump has scored the biggest and best turnout of any candidate in the history of the presidency, when over 600,000 people showed up in support of the Republican during a recent stop in Los Angeles, California.

Trump, who has long been leading the republican ticket and is more than likely going to receive his party’s nomination towards the general election, visited the state last week, at a rally that was only expected to have a turnout of around 18,000 people.

“Somewhere along the line, Trump supporters started coming together. We had people driving in from 3 or 4 states away, packing cars, and coming together. They just wanted to be here,” said Trump campaign manager Kyle Carson. “It brought tears to me eyes that so many people were here to listen to what Donald Trump had to say.”

The candidate says that he is not surprised, although is extremely overjoyed, that as many people showed as they did.

“My message is being heard loud and clear by the American people, and that message is that we want to make America great again,” said Trump. “They are slowly coming around, because they, too, want to be great. They miss the times when it was, and we are working to get it back.”

The previous record for a crowd of people gathering to hear a candidate was for President Obama in 2008, when he had 80,000 people show up for a speech in Chicago, Illinois.

Red-Headed Teen Sues Parents, Blames Them For Being Bullied At School Because He’s A ‘Ginger’

Posted on April 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON, Nevada –

A 16-year-old teen has reportedly filed a lawsuit against his parents because he claims that their “faulty genetics” caused him to be born with red hair, and school bullies have been picking on him for years, calling him “soulless” and a “ginger.”

“If my parents hadn’t been weak, pathetic nerds, maybe they could have created someone who didn’t have pasty skin, freckles, and flaming red hair,” said Kyle Jones, who filed the lawsuit after partnering with a lawyer from the ACLU. “Both of my parents were losers in high school, they both have red hair, and they were both bullied for it, too. They should have known that I would also get bullied, and they should have not been allowed to have children.”

Jones says that he would rather have not been born than having to deal with the bullying that he’s endured for most of his life.

“Kids are mean, and because I’m a redhead, they’re more mean than they would be if I was a loser who had dark hair,” said Jones. “Hell, even the goth kids and the emo queers don’t get picked on as much as I do. They deserve to pay for creating me.”

Jones and his lawyers say they are seeking $4.4 million in damages for “emotional and mental abuse.”

Massive Sunken Ship, Treasure Found Off Coast of Boston

Posted on April 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Remnants of an old, sunken pirate ship were found off the coast of Boston, Massachusetts yesterday by treasure hunters who had reportedly found documentation claiming that a ship had sunk there over 600 years ago.

“We really didn’t expect to find anything, at least not so quickly,” said Gary Richards, who headed the expedition. “We found materials that lead us to that area, claiming that a ship, The Black Death, was wrecked there in 1423. The ship was said to have been a legitimate pirate ship, and could possible have contained billions of dollars worth of gold.”

What Richards and his team found, though, was something entirely more amazing.

“We did find the gold, yes. There was an entire ship down there, almost preserved by the salt water, and we were able to dive down using specialized equipment to board it. What we found were hundreds of small ‘treasure chest’ style boxes, filled with everything from doubloons to bones.”

Richards says that they believe that the boxes filled with bones may have been the crew’s way of discarding the bodies of dead hookers.

“We found what amounts to about $3.7 billion dollars worth of treasure on this ship, which will be parted out to museums,” said Richards. “Sadly, the bones of the dead whores will be left, buried at sea, with the memories of some ill-fated nights, no doubt.”