Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

Financially Irresponsible? Try New Budgeting Service ‘Credibility Plus’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tend to blow through money? Credibly Plus has a new service to make you pay – your bills that is. For those of us who can’t seem to control our spending, the new service will in-effect garnish your wages before they hit your bank account. After the company takes a nominal fee, your bills get paid, according to a pre-budgeted limit.

“If people could control themselves, the diet industry wouldn’t be a booming industry. Our program helps people keep control. We’ll save you from yourselves,” said Credibility Plus CEO George Glass. “It’s like those programs that lock you out of the internet so you can get your work done. It’s like Weight Watchers for your finances – your ass will stay fat, but at least your bills will be paid.”

Credibility Plus says it helps members get out of debt, and long-term users successfully have saved up for cars, homes, and plastic surgery.

“I used Credibility Plus because I really wanted to get rid of unsightly body fat after that shitty Weight Watchers failed me,” said Marlene Jones. “I signed up because I can’t stop myself from spending money on stupid things like Weight Watchers. They helped me balance my money and get my life on track, and I was finally able to get that plastic surgery I wanted, and now my muffin top is gone!”

Weatherman Commits Suicide, Blames Depression On Weather Forecasting

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

WABZ Channel 13 in Maine will open a listing for a new meteorologist this week, as seasoned vet Ray Buckley has reportedly committed suicide. While many would think the holidays had gotten him down, as happens with many people each year, it was, in fact, the unpredictable nature of the weather, and the high expectations people place on weather forecasters.

In Buckley’s suicide note he describes the futility of weather prediction.

“It’s a chaotic system, ruled by nonlinear dynamics. You work the differential equations, hoping you’ve input the right data, but soon a ‘trace to 2 inches’ of snow becomes 6-8 inches. God Himself couldn’t predict the damn weather. Then they call you out on it. ‘Thought it was supposed to be sunny this weekend, Ray? Your prediction ruined my picnic!’ I’ve reached my limit. A man can only be told he has an ‘asshole face’ so many times by people who don’t know him before he breaks.”

WABZ says they will have no problem filling the position. Inside sources say Buckley’s performance was less than perky as of late, and they were already looking for a replacement.

Daily Meditation Improves Orgasms In Men And Women

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DOVER, New Hampshire –

In addition to relieving stress, lowering blood pressure, and improving concentration, meditation has a new claim-to-fame. Meditating daily has been show to increase orgasm intensity, duration, and even load size in both men and women.

Chuck Young says he started meditating after seeing improvement in his wife. “I was wondering what she was doing in there when all that ‘omming’ turned into moaning,” said Young. “I’m not into that new-agey stuff, but after seeing how it’s helped her, I make time to meditate every morning. Not only are my orgasms much more intense, I feel better and am able to focus more at work.”

Orgasm improvement can be seen on day one. The key is mindfulness and not worrying about “doing it right.” Young claims it didn’t come easy at first, but he has made adaptations that work for him. “I haven’t learned how to clear my mind yet, so I meditate on breasts. Big, milky breasts. Meditation wasn’t easy at first, but not it comes to me like nothing.”

Man Arrested After Shooting At Ceiling, Injuring Toddler In Upstairs Apartment

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIAR, North Dakota –

Loud upstairs neighbors beware. North Dakota resident Phillip Davis tells police that his neighbors were thrashing around on purpose, terrorizing him with loud noises and thumping. Racking up over 50 noise complaints in a matter of months, Davis reportedly told police the family just wanted to drive him insane.

“I ask you – what kind of mother lets their kids run around till 11 o’clock at night? That kid would run from one end of the apartment to the other, jump on the bed, and then back again,” said Davis. “If I was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a proper night’s sleep, this accident would never have happened.”

According to Davis, he was so distressed and angry after not being able to sleep, he grabbed his gun – which he keeps on a bedside table – and claims he intended to only “mockingly” shoot at the ceiling where his neighbors were again slamming and thrashing around.

“I didn’t mean to actually pull the trigger, it was just an automatic response,” said Davis. “You know, anyone would make the same kind of motion, that whole ‘I’m gonna shoot these people!’ kind of thing. I didn’t mean to actually shoot anyone.”

The unidentified two-year-old child was fortunate enough to only receive minor injuries after the bullet from Davis’ gun went through his ceiling and punctured the mother’s foot, causing the extremely obese woman to fall on the poor child.

“I used to work second shift,” Georgette Hamilton says. “I like to sleep in. Baby would be getting up way too early if I put her to bed before 11. In a way, this is a blessing in disguise. Laid up as I am from my foot, my disability will surely go through this time!”

Family Sells Haunted Doll For $3.7M At Auction

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A family in Florida have become millionaires overnight after selling a doll that has been in their family for the last 40 years. The doll sold for almost $4 million dollars at auction because the family listed it as “haunted” with the auction house.

“That doll has been tormenting our family for over 4o years, and every time we tried to get rid of it, it would come back,” said Mark Rogers, who had originally picked up the doll for his daughter at a yard sale in 1974. “I paid fifty cents for it back then, so I’d say we got our money’s worth on it. Thing is, I can’t honestly be sure it won’t come back again.”

The person who bought the doll, Gary Smith, says that he couldn’t pass up owning a haunted doll, even if it cost $4 million.

“There was another bidder on the phones, and he was pushing it up and up, but I just had to have it,” said Smith. “I have a large collection of odd, bizarre, and creepy things in my house, so this will fit it nicely.”

According to Rogers, the doll has been locked away in their basement for the last 10 years or so.

“When we had it out last, it killed our dog and splayed the blood everywhere while we slept,” said Rogers. “I’ve tried everything to get rid of it. Burning, throwing it in the trash, shredding it, smashing it with a hammer – we even took it on a trip to Greece one time, and left it behind. Sure enough, it was sitting on the couch when we got back. Selling it is the last thing that we’re trying. I figured I bought it, and it never went back to the previous owner, so maybe this will work. I hope to Christ it does.”

Crotch-Stomper Doritos From China Taste ‘Just Like Balls’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEIJING, China –

For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.

According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.

“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”

Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be savory, sweet, and tangy.

“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”

“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”

Man With Teeth On Outside Of Face Says ‘At Least I Don’t Have Cavities’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PEIKING, China –

Pang Wok has a rare condition that has caused his teeth to grow outwards, through his lips and gums, appearing on the outside of his face. Although doctors say that with plastic surgery and careful extraction they could fix most of Mr. Wok’s issues, he seems completely un-phased by his condition.

“I have always been like this, so no need to change anything now,” said Wok, 52. “I do not have cavities, I can still chew, so there’s not much to complain about. I am who I am and that all that I am.”

Wok says that many doctors from all over the world have offered to correct his tooth issues free of charge, but even then, Wok claims that he’s not interested.

“What’s the point? Everyone I know has seen me, they’ve grown used to it,” said Wok. “If I changed the way I look now, what would my family say? What would my wife say? They know me in this way. I am happy enough, even if I look strange. Besides, all of my patients think it’s hilarious.”

Wok has been a practicing dentist for over 20 years.

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Becomes First Film To Make $100 Billion Dollars At Box Office

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Star Wars fever has hit the world hard, after the latest installment, The Force Awakens, has crossed the $100 billion dollar mark in worldwide grosses, blowing away the previous box office champ, Avatar, which grossed only about $2.5 billion.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that the movie did so well,” said the director, JJ Abrams. “No one seemed to care too much when I reinvigorated Star Trek, so I didn’t have super high hopes for Force. Plus, all we really did was remake the first film, so seriously, it’s crazy that people are plopping down money to see it 15 or 20 times.”

Based on worldwide grosses, the studio behind the film, Disney, says that they estimate that every single human being currently alive on the planet has seen the film at least once, and that several babies – who won’t even be born until the new year – may have already seen it as well.

“It’s really the only way the film could have done so much money,” said Disney CEO Mike Laird. “I mean, think about it like this. Titanic was the number one film at the box office for almost a dozen years, at just over 2 billion dollars. Then Avatar knocks that out with just under 3 billion. And now, here comes Force, which brings in a whopping $100 billion? I mean, that’s insane, right? There are 8 billion people in the world, and with average ticket prices at around $12, that means everyone, everywhere has seen the movie.”

Although those numbers add up, that’s likely not the case, according to box office analysts.

“More likely, it’s the same handful of nerds who’ve gone and see the movie 40 or 50 times in IMAX, which have ticket prices closer to the $20 range,” said Box Office Mojo writer Gil Morrison. “I can honestly say I haven’t seen it, and probably never will. I mean shit, who cares?”

Man Who Grows Lion Mane Immediately Promoted At New York Law Firm

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Until last month, John Gold was just a mailroom associate at one of the biggest law firms in Manhattan, but all that changed when Gold decided to grow out his facial hair and have his hair dyed and cut to resemble that of a lion.

“I was just trying something new, but when I walked into work that Monday morning, I was immediately pulled aside,” said Gold. “I got taken into a big, inner office, and was immediately offered a job as an attorney.”

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about law, Gold took the job, saying that he couldn’t possibly pass up the opportunity – or the money.

“The only caveat they gave me was that I could never, ever cut or change my hair or my style,” said Gold. “I guess they think I’m going to be intimidating in the courtroom. I only hope that’s the case. The only thing I know about court is that ‘the whole damn thing is out of order.'”