Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.

Internet Meme ‘Fat Emo Kid’ Dies After Choking On Carrot

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

The Fat Emo Kid meme is one of the internet’s oldest, the picture often accompanied by the phrase, “when the world gets you down, eat it.” The boy in the picture, Mike Jones, was 16 when the image was taken and posted to internet forum Reddit, and it reportedly caused him so much grief, he went on a diet and lost over 200 pounds.

“Mike was a great kid, and he was just going through a phase of wearing make-up, throwing up gang signs, eating too much food,” said his mother, Marie. “I think all kids go through that at some point in their life. Anyway, after that picture went viral, it destroyed him, so he did something about it. He lost 211 pounds, and became extremely health conscience. Unfortunately, it was the healthy foods that killed him.”

According to Marie Jones, her son died last week after he choked on a baby carrot that was in a salad he was having for lunch.

“Mikey loved his carrots. He would eat anything, to be sure, but he did it in moderation after that picture made him internet famous,” said Marie. “I’m glad now, though, that Mikey is in heaven, where he can be fat again and eat all the cake and there will be no one to make fun of him. God wouldn’t allow it. Mikey certainly had an appetite for life, God rest his soul.”

Mike Jones would have been 23 on December 5th.

Girl Bitten By Octopus While Snorkeling Hospitalized After Tongue Grows ‘Suckers’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A young girl who was snorkeling off the coast of California last week says she was bitten by an octopus, and since then has grown tiny octopus suckers all over her tongue and other soft tissue.

“It actually started on my vagina, I noticed I was getting little octopus suckers,” said Jessica Smith, 20. “I could live with it, to be honest, but I went to the hospital the second they started growing on my tongue. It was keeping me from being able to speak properly.”

Doctors say that it was the first case of an octopus attack of any nature leading to the attackee actually turning into an octopus themselves.

“Ms. Smith is very luck she came in when she did,” said Dr. Martin Groves. ” I am not 100% sure how long this would go on for, as it was a very serious infection that seemed to effect all the soft tissue in her body. Her vagina, tongue, throat, and even parts of her anus were growing octopus suckers. It is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like it, thank God.”

Doctors were able to treat the infection, but removal of the suckers that had already grown had to be done with laser surgery.

“We worked in very delicate areas to remove the suckers,” said Dr. Groves. “We estimate that we were able to safely remove about 98% of the suckers with no visible pieces remaining. There are some that we could not get due to the safety of Ms. Smith.”

“Honestly, I really don’t care about the suckers that they left behind,” said Smith. “It was a couple inside my butt, and frankly, if you’re going to have octopus suckers on your body, the ass isn’t the worst place, right? It was super hard to get a picture of it for Instagram, though.”

Microsoft Releases XBox Controller That Doubles As Marijuana Pipe

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

‘No Shave November’ To Roll Into ‘Decorative Beard December’

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Hipsters everywhere rejoice! Once November has run its course, you do not have to shave your tragically un-cool facial hair. Instead, you can join with dozens of other hair men by partaking in Decorative Beard December, a new trend sweeping the nation.

“I plan to decorate my beard with garland and little ornaments,” said bearded man Joe Goldsmith. “It will be fantastic. I think, somehow, there is a cause involved? I have no idea, though. Who cares? I just want an excuse to grow a beard.”

Many men forgo shaving throughout the month of November, a movement originally referred to as Movember, a way to bring awareness to men’s health issues, such as testicular cancer.

“I knew there was some sort of cause!” said Goldsmith, when he was told why he wasn’t shaving in the first place. “Frankly, I just do the No Shave November thing because my wife bitches if I try to grow out facial hair any other time of the year. She, like most sane women, hate beards. I’m glad now that there is a reason to keep the beard through December.”

“I plan on spray painting my beard green, and sprinkling some glitter into it,” said hipster Franz Silver. “It will look very beautiful, no doubt about it. Man, I sure do love a reason to do what every living man can do, and grow out a disgusting beard. Thanks, Christmas!”

Giant Skull Of Unknown Creature Washes Ashore In San Fransisco Beach

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Researchers are scratching their heads over a giant skull that washed ashore on a beach in San Fransisco early yesterday morning, saying they have never seen anything like it before.

The skull, which resembles that of a canine, but measures over 10 feet long and stands over 8 feet tall, seems to be of a creature who died only within the last few years.

“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”

Based on the size of the skull, the research team estimates that the creature, which they’re referring to as “Sandy,” would be approximately 40 to 50 feet long, and could potentially way as much as 3 killer whales.

“It’s intense, really, because if there are more of these creatures out there, they’re definitely not friendly. These teeth, they would kill most other animals in seconds flat,” said Moore. “We’re at a loss, really, for what this is or where it might have come from. It is definitely real bone, though.”

Taiwanese Man Born With No Bones Celebrates 30th Birthday

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TURKEL, Taiwan –

Charlie Chen is a marvel of the medical community. 30 years ago, he was born completely healthy, except for one small problem: he did not have a single bone in his body.

“They told my parents that I would be lucky to live one full day, but here I am, 30 years later, and I’m doing fine,” said Chen from his home in Turkel. “I have actually outlived my parents, both of whom died within the last few years. Surprising, really, because they were both really healthy.”

Chen says that he lives a normal life, for the most part, and loves to sit around and watch movies, eat junk food, and have his government pay for everything.

“They think I’m special, so they keep me fed and pay for my bills,” said Chen. “Basically, I am an American but I am actually from Taiwan. Hahaha.”

Doctors are constantly watching over Chen, and they say at this rate, they see no reason why he wouldn’t live until his 50s or 60s, the average age for this in his country.

Lindsay Lohan Sues Doctor After Botched Plastic Surgery

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Representatives for Lindsay Lohan say that the star is planning a lawsuit against her former plastic surgeon, who reportedly botched her most recent “lip stretching” surgery, causing her face to be a wide open hole.

“Ms. Lohan request that her lips and mouth be slightly stretched, and the doctor presumably thought she wanted her face to be a gaping hole, or at the very least, that was the end result,” said Lohan’s publicist. “We are seeking legal action against her former surgeon, Dr. Larry Clarke, immediately.”

According to Dr. Clarke, though, he isn’t worried.

“Lindsay has had work done by me several times, including her eyes, breasts, and buttocks, and she was always happy with the result,” said Dr. Clarke. “Then she comes to me recently and says, ‘Doc, make my lips up here look like my lips down there,’ and points to her crotch. So, I did my best to make sure her face lips were as wide apart as her vaginal lips. I think it was a job well done.”

Lawyers for Lohan are reportedly being obtained, with a suit expected to be filed next week.

Man’s Habitual Nose Spray Habit Causes Hole To Form In Face

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Massachusetts –

A 52-year-old man who has reportedly used one bottle of nose spray a day for over 20 years was hospitalized after he burned a hole through one of his nostrils.

Ingredients in the nose spray, especially menthol, are reportedly to blame for the hole that has formed on one side of the man’s nose.

“It’s horrible, really, because now I look abysmal, and doctors aren’t sure they can fix it,” said the man, who chose to remain anonymous, but wish to get his cautionary story out to the masses. “On the plus side, I can breathe a whole lot better with this hole in my nose.”

“We want to repair the hole, and make [name redacted]’s face look normal again, but we know he’ll just end up ruining it with his nose spray habit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical Center. “I haven’t seen someone snort this much of anything since my days of attending school at Yale with George W. Bush.”

Doctors are hopeful they can help to reduce the man’s nasal spray habit in hopes of rebuilding his face.

Charlie Sheen Thinks He May Have Gotten HIV Through Tainted Tiger Blood Transfusion

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Charlie Sheen went on the Today show earlier this week to announce something that he and several close confidants had known for years; Sheen is HIV positive.

Reportedly receiving the diagnosis from doctors over 4 years ago, Sheen said to Matt Lauer on Today that was not sure how he contracted the disease, or from whom, but later that day reflected that it was entirely possible that he had gotten it from a tainted source of tiger’s blood.

“I suppose people thought I as joking when I would reference having tiger’s blood, but I wasn’t kidding,” said Sheen. “I really did have many, many transfusions of fresh-squeezed tiger blood injected into my own. I thought it would make me stronger, and able to do mountains more cocaine than I already was. In the end, maybe it was a bad idea.”

If it’s true that Sheen contracted the disease from tainted tiger blood, it would be the first case of the FIV virus, the feline version of HIV, being transferred to a human.