Will Ferrell Apologizes For Making So Many Unwatchable Movies

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Will Ferrell, best known for making completely horrendous comedies that, somehow, do ridiculous box office numbers, recently apologized publicly for his string of just straight unwatchable films.

“I know that I’ve yet to make a really great, unforgettable movie, and I’m sorry for that,” said Ferrell to the Hollywood Outsider Magazine. “It’s hard pretending to be funny all the time. I constantly have to surround myself with great comedy writers and an amazing supporting cast. I want people to leave one of my worthless movies and think it was hilarious. I’m trying, but I know I’m failing hard. I wish I could do more, but so far, it’s just been mediocre luck.”

Ferrell’s most recent movie, Get Hard, co-starring comedian Kevin Hart, has been ripped apart by critics for being racist, homophobic, and worst of all, totally unfunny.

“It’s hard to make a really great movie when you’re just showing up and obviously phoning it in,” said film reviewer Mark Lipson of FilmOnFire.gov. “Ferrell says he tries so hard for the laughs, but you wouldn’t know it watching him, as every movie he just plays dumb schlock after dumb schlock, and you feel no pity for him whatsoever. I was hoping he’d end up in prison during Get Hard, so at least the movie might just end.”

Ferrell says that he plans to try and make more “good” movies, with actual acting and stories, which he says he’s come close to doing previously with movies like Everything Must Go and Stranger Than Fiction.

“I made a couple black comedies, dramas,” said Ferrell. “They were box office bombs, but at least I could stretch my acting legs a bit, and show off that I could do more than play an unlikeable moron. I hope to do more good movies down the road.”

Ferrell says that he also plans to be nicer to fans, and perhaps become more friendly when they approach him for pictures or signatures. According to Autograph Magazine, which ranks celebrities on their level of approachability for fans and autograph seekers, Ferrell consistently ranks on their “worst” list, despite being someone that most fans seem to think would be nice because of his doltish roles.

“He mocks people, taunts and embarrasses them when they ask for autographs,” says Autograph Magazine.

“Yeah, I guess I should try and care about fans a bit more, too,” said Ferrell. “After all, they’re the ones who for some reason keep paying money to see my movies. They’re the ones who’ve afforded me a nice house and a driveway full of Prisuses. I am sorry for not living up to the fans’ expectations on any level.”

Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming ‘Deadpool,’ Destroys Car With Bare Hands

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VANCOUVER, BC, Canada –

Movie star Ryan Reynolds was hit by a car in an apparent hit-and-run while filming on location in Vancouver, Canada for his new movie Deadpool. The star, whose film credits include The Proposal and The Green Lantern, reportedly was struck and knocked down while on a downtown street in Vancouver.

According to witnesses on the scene, several people rushed to help Reynolds, but he sprung to his feet and chased after the car, leaping over other vehicles, a fence, and by hanging onto the back of a city bus. He caught up with the car only 14 blocks from where he was struck.

“Basically, when I finally caught up the car, I yanked the driver out of his seat, and immediately went to work at kicking his ass,” said Reynolds. “Not the guy, mind you. The car. It was this stupid, ugly, yellow Prius, and honestly, it just pissed me off so much. I beat that car’s ass with my bare hands.”

The car was left nearly totaled, after the actor, who reportedly put on over 20 pounds of pure muscle to play the dark, smartass anti-hero in his new film, punched and kicked out the windows, lights, windshield, and ripped off each door.

“The guy just kind of stared at me as it happened, but you know, he deserved it,” said Reynolds. “I found out later that he loved that car more than anything in the world, but you know, if you hit someone, and then you’re too much of a coward to face the music and you try and leave the scene, well – you deserve to have everything you love taken from you. I’ll take it from you. With my bare goddamned hands.”

The driver refused to press charges on Reynolds for destroying his property. Reynolds says that the man has ‘suffered enough,’ and will not be pressing charges, either.

Deadpool is scheduled for release in 2016, with fans clamoring for the Marvel character to make his R-rated debut on the big screen. Reynolds previously played the character – sort of – in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves ‘Wonder Woman’ Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Film director Michelle MacLaren has reportedly parted ways with the studio over creative differences on the film Wonder Woman. As the studio scrambles to find another director to replace her, executives at Marvel say they are ‘so glad’ that they can put a man at the helm now.

“Basically, what’s happened is that we’ve shown that a woman cannot handle a film of this magnitude, with a character this iconic,” said a Marvel executive, speaking anoymously. “We always wanted a man to be in place as director, because – well, men can do this job, and women can’t. Which should be obvious by the extremely small list of female directors that there are period, let alone the number who have successful careers or Oscar wins.”

According to insider reports, the studio is hoping to be able to get someone for ‘cheap money,’ but that can accomplish the job in the ‘way that they wish.’ Names that have been thrown around so far include indie horror director David Robert Miller, whose current film It Follows is generating tons of buzz, as well as former directing superstar Spike Lee.

“The problem with those guys, though, is really just a matter of preference. Miller could do it, but he’s hot right now, It Follows is destroying critic expectations and is making huge money on a nothing budget – so he could ask for more money than we feel like paying,” said the executive. “Spike Lee – well, he’s a guy, yeah, and that’s what we want, but he’s also a little ‘too black,’ if you know what I mean. I mean I’m cool with black people, but he’s like, extra black. And his movies, they sound a little too ethnic for a comic book movie.”

Until the film has another director, production will presumably be put on hold. The film is not slated for release until 2017.

Drake: ‘Nothing Personal About The Kiss, I Just Don’t Like Washed-Up Old Pop Singers’

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIO, California –

Drake caused waves in the celebrity world at Coachella, after he appeared grossed out by a lip kiss from Madonna. The 56-year-old singer stuck her tongue in Drake’s mouth on stage, after which the 28-year-old scrunched up his face in disgust. But the rapper has since apologized, saying that it was nothing personal. His response, instead, was simply because he doesn’t like being kissed by washed up old celebrities twice his age.

“I don’t have anything against Mad[onna]. But being molested by women who want to be young again – that’s not my style,” he told E! Entertainment. “Usually I kiss beautiful young trending celebs. This is just a bit out of my comfort zone.”

Madonna, for her part, took the seeming rejection calmly, saying she was not particularly bothered.

“I don’t care. It’s not like I really on pissies like him for affirmation. What – you think I wanna date someone his age?”

She went on to remind us that some young singers did want to kiss her.

“Britney Spears. She kissed me. She kissed me long and hard. And she loved it. And there have been others. They might not have been publicized, but young people love me.”

Fans of Madonna have come out in support of the aging songstress, posting on Twitter and Instagram that they find her incredibly attractive, never mind that she’s old and washed up.

“Oh my geee-eerd. I leeerve Ma-donner,” said one. “She’s so ke-yurt. I would totally kiss he-er.”

Drake fans, however, defended their idol.

“My man Drake is cool yo,” said 12 year old Martin. “He’s the best, and no mother of Christ can say different. Who even knew Madonna was still alive?”

Drake later released a further statement, saying that he’s open to giving the kiss another go, as long as Madonna fixes that gap in her teeth.

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Surgically Sewn Shut

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A college Sophomore in Idaho has reportedly had her vagina sewn shut by a cosmetic surgeon, after she learned about rape statistics in one of her courses.

“Did you know that 1 in 3 women will be raped or sexually assaulted in her lifetime?” said college Sophomore Desiree Price, 20. “Statistically speaking, I am even more likely to be that 1 in 3, since I’m super hot and often walk along through the campus late at night on my way back from my stripper job. So I knew something had to be done.”

Price says she originally started by carrying mace in her purse, but still didn’t feel safe enough.

“I took self defense classes, bought a gun, learned to shoot – but still, nothing was making me feel safe. I knew some guy, at some point, was going to rape me. Every guy will rape if given the opportunity, that’s a fact. I learned it in my Current State of Feminism class. So, I took a drastic step.”

Price says she never wanted to have kids, so she had no reason to have an open vagina.

“I went ahead and had my ovaries and my tubes all completely removed. I no longer have a menses every month. They have built a small, tube like funnel made of skin taken from my calf, and attached it to my urethra so it sticks out, sort of like a penis I guess. I can still reach my clit so that guys who I want to touch me can touch it, or like, whatever, and I can touch it, but that’s it. If a guy tries to stick his thing in there, he’s going to be pleasantly surprised to find that there’s nowhere to stick it.”

According to Price’s mother, Victoria, she’s “very proud” of her daughter for doing what she needs to do to protect herself.

“Desiree has always been a smart girl, and knows what she wants,” said Victoria from her home in Phoenix, Arizona. “If she wants to cosmetically close her V, that’s her business. I’m just happy to know she’ll be safe from penetration from here on out.”

Price’s step-father, George Durkee, says he thinks his step-daughter is a complete and total moron.

“The dumb bitch still has another hole down there to get penetrated if some unlucky guy decides to rape her,” said Durkee. “If there’s any hole she should have had plugged, it’s that one in her face. The only thing I’m grateful for is that she can no longer breed. Amen to that!”

Scott Steiner Disappointed Hulk Hogan Refused to Fight to the Death

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

TMZ reported recently that pro-wrestler Scott Steiner, 52, threatened to kill wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, 61. According to the report, the two were recently involved in a fracas, with Steiner telling Hogan’s wife at an airport that he plans to “kill Terry [Hulk Hogan’s real name]”. Hogan proceeded to call the cops, eliciting an angry response from former ally Steiner.

“I can’t believe the pussy called the cops!” Steiner said. “What kind of a wrestler does he think he is? He used to be a legend but now he’s just soft. This is meant to be a fight to the death.”

Fans of Hogan are equally disappointed, expressing their dismay on Twitter en masse.

@wrestlemaniac: hulk you were my hero but now another person who has let me down

@hardforhogan: i cant belive the news today. hogan is not what he used to be #saddays

@ilovewrestledick: Wrestling is a man’s sport, and it is a man’s responsibility to kill or be killed #steinerforlife

Some have, however, stood up for Hogan.

@reasonablegentleman: The man has a family. He can’t risk his life just for his image

Analysts of the sport have dismissed the sentiment, insisting that a man of his stature cannot afford to be seen as weak.

“Look at him hiding from that chair [being thrown at his face – figuratively speaking],” said promoter Vince McMahon. “He’s cowering beneath his arms, begging for help! And now his colleague could get prison time for doing what a wrestler does. Come on, Hogan. Where is the Hulk?”

A spokesperson for the Hogan family told reporters that Hogan refuses to comment as yet, but that he is meditating like a complete f*****, trying to get over the oh-so-terrible shock of having his life slightly in danger.

Revealed: Tom Cruise The Father Of 300 Children

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Startling DNA evidence has revealed that Tom Cruise is the father of at least 300 children. According to sources, these are the offspring of cultish sexual practices done as part of Scientology rituals. This revelation adds more fuel to the ever growing movement against Scientology, which took a hit after a documentary purporting to release it’s secrets went viral.

“They meet in a remote area, where members who have been deemed worthy of the information of the location gather wearing masks,” said expert Tim Menashe. “Announcements are made, and rituals performed, after which a massive orgy takes place.”

Cruise reportedly stumbled upon the assembly after a piano-playing friend of his revealed the location to him at a bar. Cruise had been fighting with then spouse Nicole Kidman, and had gone wandering, finding a costume and arriving late to the gathering. He was then sent upstairs with a prostitute who warned him to leave.

“After much panic and worries of dark conspiracies, Cruise returned to the gathering, where he eventually became a member,” Menashe continued. “It is then that he impregnated tens of women, over and over again, his fertility bringing 300 or more kids into the world.”

Since the report came out, hordes of individuals around America have been rushing to get DNA tests done, in the hopes that they have a chance of being a child of the popular actor.

“The whole thing reminds me of the plot of a movie… I can’t quite remember which one,” Menashe said. “Oh wait – yes, it’s the one with Vince Vaughn. Delivery Man. That’s a funny movie.”

Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards to Reward Pushy, Attention-Seeking Parents of Child Actors

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ORLANDO, Florida –

The Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards for 2015 were held just last week, but already the organization has announced plans for 2016’s event. Nickelodeon intends to increase the amount of awards available, including a category for parents who are best using their children to get famous. The often maligned demographic is said to have campaigned for this award for years, with the justification that they got their children where they are today.

“Without us, our kids would be nothing more than normal, school going children. Plebeians,” said Martha Dimant, head of Child Actors’ Parents (CAP). “We pushed from when they were in the womb and we didn’t stop when they emerged, slimy and disgusting. We made them beautiful, we made them act, sing, and model. And we deserve the credit.”

Sources at Nickelodeon indicate that there was much opposition to including this award, saying it compromises their image of being a healthy way for children to grow up. But, as always, the pushy mothers got what they wanted.

“It’s not a popular move, and will isolate some important members of the corporation,” said one source, on condition of anonymity. “The danger, however, was that parents would stop making their children work from the day they were born, and that there would therefore be a dearth of actors to choose from for future productions. Keeping those parents happy is our greatest priority.”

Unacknowledged parents of former child actors will also get a shot at appreciation, with a further category going to those hard workers who’ve been forgotten. This will be in order to show that this is not just an “in” trend – it spans across generations of fathers and mothers whose only dream was to do what’s best for their kids to get on television.

Other new awards will include categories for talent scouts who manipulated children into signing away much of the riches they’ll earn in their youth careers; grandparents who made the parents feel so inadequate they had to sacrifice their children in order to make themselves feel worthwhile; and the few child actors who make it into adult stardom – and maintain the illusion that this is a good way to get a celebrity career kickstarted.

Kate Middleton’s Baby Expected to Crown With a Real Crown

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

With speculation predicting Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s due date to be within a month and a half, excitement is growing, and we have added details to get your anticipation to another level. The baby, expected to be a girl, is going to crown wearing an actual crown. When the little princess starts to emerge from Kate’s vagina, sharp points of a crown of pure gold will tear through, ripping the baby from its mother’s womb in true royal style.

“We can confirm that Kate and William’s second baby will literally be crowning,” a spokesperson for the royal family said. “While this may be a painful ordeal for Catherine [Kate], it is a momentous occasion, as this little bugger will be the first ever royal to do so.”

Bookies are taking bets over whether or not Middleton’s anatomy will be ruined for any future babies, with a cesarean section reportedly out of the picture.

“They don’t want surgical procedures to ruin the crowning, and so the Duchess will have to suffer for it,” royal analyst Peter Simon told The Daily Mail. “I’m betting that there’ll be reconstructive surgery, but lightly done so that the next child can crown with an even bigger, more elaborate crown.”

Prince William reportedly supports this logistical decision for the birth, although it may impact on his sex life. Unnamed sources claim to have heard him say, “I can easily get another vagina, but not another crowning baby with a crown.”

When the late Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince Harry, speculation also suggested that the prince would crown with a crown, but in the end he simply emerged wearing a royal blue robe. This time, however, the rumors have been confirmed by the royal family themselves, and we can look forward to getting illicit videos of the event from the paparazzi.

New Jay-Z Streaming Service ‘Tidal’ to Fulfill Goal of Making More Money for Jay-Z

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

New music service, Tidal, has prided itself as being the first artist owned music streaming service. Sean “Jay-Z” Carter is the most prominent name on the list of owners, and reportedly the man who brought the service to popularity amongst other performers. The goal of the service is to make more money for Jay-Z and his brand.

“I make music. I love music. I make money. I love money,” said Jay-Z. “Therefore it makes sense to use this excellent service to pursue those things I love.”

Other names signed on as owners include Carter’s wife Beyonce, Rihanna, Kanye West and Madonna. And although their goals differ slightly from Carter’s, they’re all in it for a similar reason.

“I want to make money for Kanye West,” West is quoted as saying.

“I intend to make more millions for my brand,” Rihanna stated.

“Madonna needs more money. Madonna will get more money,” said Madonna.

Fans of the artists have announced that they are ready and willing to give their money to their favorite celebrities.

“I love giving money to Beyonce,” said fan Halle Coozen. “I’m always looking for new ways to do so, and this is just perfect. Just perfect!”

But cynics are criticizing Carter and company, saying that there are already enough ways to give them money, and Tidal will only detract from the integrity of those mediums.

“iTunes is a great way to pay artists and their labels,” said analyst Mansford Manfred. “I just think Tidal will mean that money that would be going through that channel will be channeled differently. It’s confusing for me. And I don’t want that to compromise my ability to pay the stars I love!”