8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Abe Abrams

DEL RIO, Texas –

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

“I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of ‘Mission: Impossible 5’

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LONDON, England –

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.

Mother Finds Kilo Of Cocaine Stashed Inside Toddler’s Power Wheel

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee –

A shocked mother of two called Chattanooga police earlier this week after she discovered a large bag containing a white powdery substance taped to the bottom of a ride-on Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine she had bought her 2-year-old son for Christmas.

After police tested the substance, it was officially determined to be cocaine – a whopping 2 pounds worth, or what is commonly referred to as a ‘kilo.’

Mary Ann Noe, 32, found the suspicious package taped on the underside of the battery-powered ride-on children’s toy after she turned it over to wash off oatmeal her 2-year-old son Kain had dumped on the kitchen floor and had been driving over.

“It scared me to death, I didn’t know what it was,” Noe told The Chattanooga Times. “It looked like a huge bag of cocaine, so I did like they do in the movies, and I stuck a knife in it, dipped my finger in, and tasted it like they do. Funny thing though, I don’t know what cocaine is even supposed to taste like, but my whole mouth went numb.”

Noe said she knew that the substance had to be something illegal, so she immediately called the police.

“When I called, a nice young officer came and took a sample of it himself and it numbed his mouth too. He then asked me for a baggie so that he could separate some of it to take to a lab. I gave him sandwich baggie and he filled it all the way up and put it in his pocket and took it with him,” Noe said. “He told me that the street value of the bag was probably close to $20,000 dollars.”

Chattanooga Police Department commissioner of Police, Albert Hughes Jr., said that somewhere along the way, that someone must have used the toy to transport the drug and it must have got mixed up with other packages. “It is really odd, usually in a case like this several other packages are used to smuggle the drug.No other parents have come forward saying they have found over two pounds of cocaine as of yet.

“The investigation is currently at a stand still,” Hughes said. “We are asking parents whose children may have recently acquired a Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine to check underneath for large bags of cocaine, and please report it immediately. Also, please try not to stick a knife in the bags and put any on your tongue.”

Disney Plans To Kill Off Iconic Character Mickey Mouse After 86 Years As Mascot

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

The Walt Disney Company announced earlier today during a press conference that Disney Films would release an animated feature film next Christmas titled ‘The Magical Life and Times of Mickey Mouse’, and Disney spokesperson Michael McDermott had a shocking surprise when discussing the plot of the film.

“The film is, in fact, what the title suggests – it’s about the wonderful and magical life of the great Mickey Mouse and the joy his has brought children and adults alike across the globe since his creation in 1928…until his death in 2015,” McDermott said, as members of the Associated Press shook their heads in disbelief.

“Yes, you heard me correctly,” McDermott stated. “The Walt Disney Company has made the ultimately tough decision when it comes to the fate of its superstar, its timeless hero if you will. In this day and glorious age, we feel it is important to teach children the vast importance of life, and to never take it for granted. This doesn’t mean the legacy will not continue, quite the contrary. It will only spark a tireless celebration of the wonderful life of Mickey Mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company is about teaching both children and adults alike that the lives we lead are special and magical, but nobody lives forever,” said Disney CEO Don Iger. “It is the collective belief of this wonderful enterprise that in order to thoroughly enjoy something, to really cherish it, human beings need to be reminded that life is short. Live it the best you can, do the best you can by others, use your life to make a real difference.”

“I think this is ludicrous. We grew up having Mickey Mouse around, he made us smile and laugh as children with just the sight of him,” said Marion Calvert, 42, of Phoenix, Arizona “I have two children under the age of 12, and I will not take them to see this terrible film.”

Not everyone feels the same way as Mrs. Calvert, though. Glenn McDaniels, 51, of Salt Lake City, Utah, has a positive opinion regarding the shocking announcement.

“I think it is great. Of course it is sad, but it is important our children grow up knowing they are not invincible. In order for one’s life to truly mean something, they must know it doesn’t last forever. I get it. I will definitely take my grandchildren to see this movie,” McDaniels said. “I mean plus – he’s just a damn drawing.”

The company did not state whether there would continue to be Mickey characters in their theme parks across the world, and also refused to comment on the circumstances relating to the cause of Mickey’s death in the film.

“You’ll just have to wait and buy a ticket and find out for yourself,” said Iger. “The film will be released on Christmas day.”

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal To Spend Six Months In Prison Voluntarily To Research For Role As Inmate

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal, known for his extensive research when preparing to portray a character, is at it again. The 34-year-old actor, who rode with third shift LAPD street cops for six months to study for his role in the 2012 drama End of Watch, lost an almost dangerous amount of weight for his role as a frail journalist in the recent sleeper hit Nightcrawler.

Apparently Gyllenhaal has taken method acting to new heights once more, as he has packed on over fifty pounds of muscle for his role as a professional boxer in the movie Southpaw, and has been granted access by warden Connie Gipson to spend six months at the notoriously violent maximum-security California State Prison known as Corcoran for his role in another new film, The Crimson Shadow.

Gyllenhaal is often referred to as one the hardest working actors in Hollywood when it comes to preparing for a role, and according to several filmmakers, he’s extremely involved in becoming his character as much as possible.

“It was Jake’s idea to spend time on the inside as a real inmate. I told him he was crazy and that they would never allow it, nor would we want him to try something so absurd,” said Crimson director Martin Scorsese. “But he went to Corcoran warden Connie Gipson, and somehow convinced her to let him spend six months just as a real prisoner would – no special treatment or anything. That boy is something else.”

Corcoran prison is known for its violent history and for housing one of the most notorious inmates of all time, Charles Manson. According to Scorsese, Gyllenhaal has also been granted the opportunity to have several meetings with Manson.

“I’m serious, Jake is hardcore. He’s going to have meetings with Charles Manson so he can get inside the mind of a killer, a criminal,” said Southpaw director Antoine Fuqua. “He actually went out and filmed car crashes and robberies when he was preparing for his role in Nightcrawler. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if he was having sex with cowboys when he was making Brokeback Mountain, because that’s how goddamn method that guy is.”

Southpaw is scheduled for release in late 2015. Scorsese says that The Crimson Shadow begins filming as soon as Gyllenhaal is ‘released’.

2-Year-Old Who Shot Mother In Walmart To Be Tried For Crime As An Adult

Posted on January 1, 2015 by skullman

HAYDEN, Idaho –

Police and local investigators say that the 2-year-old toddler that fired a gun in an Idaho Walmart store, killing his mother, will be tried as an adult.

On December 30th, police say that a young mother, who was shopping with her children, was killed when her 2-year-old son reached into her purse, and discharged a small-caliber pistol that she had concealed inside. In what police originally considered a tragic accident, the woman died before paramedics could arrive.

Upon further investigation into the shooting, police have decided to arrest the 2-year-old and charge him with first-degree murder, a capital offense in Idaho.

“We strongly believe that this child knew precisely what he was doing when he reached into his mother’s purse and fired that weapon,” said Deputy Chief Joseph Goldsmith. “At this time we will not being discussing what evidence has mounted to lead us to this decision, as a trial will be pending.”

“It’s just awful that this is happening,” said Shaniqu’a Brooks, an employee at the Walmart who witnessed the events. “I saw the entire thing happen, and after she fell to the floor, her son – well, let me just say that the look on his face scared the Hell out of me.”

“If only the woman had not been carrying a concealed weapon, then this never would have happened,” said liberal talk-radio host Gerry Jones. “Only a damn fool carries a loaded weapon into a store, around children and other customers. Was there no safety on her gun? She was quoted as being a ‘responsible gun owner,’ but did she think that in an Idaho Walmart in the middle of the day she might need to shoot someone? Moreover, had her son ever touched it before? Fired it? Is this his first time killing? There are so many questions that need answers. I just hope that during the trial, we see the truth come out.”

Currently, the toddler is being held in an Idaho maximum security facility without bail, but there is reportedly a wonderful playroom with toys and cartoons. A trial date has not yet been set.

Eighth Grade Teacher Suspended For Teaching Students Oral Sex Techniques Using Cucumbers

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SEATTLE, Washington –

An eighth grade teacher in Seattle, Washington is under massive scrutiny, and in some cases, praise, after teaching female students how to perform oral sex using cucumbers. Many male students observed, as well as several other teachers from the school.

Michelle Johanson, 28, a health teacher at Jameson Middle School in the North Central Seattle neighborhood of Wallingford, reportedly taught students who volunteered to stay after school how to properly perform oral sex on a male as she demonstrated while using a cucumber. Johanson also provided female students with cucumbers of their own as she demonstrated the act as several male students and teachers, observed the innovative teaching technique.

As can be imagined, several parents were outraged when their daughters came home excitedly to show their parents what they learned at school that day. Rebecca McDougal, whose 13-year-old daughter is a student in Johanson’s class, told The Seattle Observer that her daughter came directly home and showed her what she had learned by grabbing a some vegetables from the refrigerator and practicing.

“I could not believe it, she knew how to do things I never learned to do. Not to mention the size of the cucumber Ms. Johanson gave her – it was certainly bigger than any penis I’ve ever had. Definitely bigger than Becca’s dad. It’s pretty sad when your 13-year-old daughter teaches you how to do what you never could,” McDougal said. “I mean Ms. Johanson should at least show her male students how to perform oral sex on females while she is at it.”

Not all parents were outraged however, such as William Ragsdale, who’s 12-year-old daughter was one of the students Johanson taught the act to. “I think it’s a great thing. Women usually don’t really learn how to do it right until their mid-thirties, at least. That’s what I’ve found from experience, anyway. At least now my little girl will have a head start” Ragsdale said. “I commend Ms. Johanson for her ballsy approach.”

After being reviewed by the Washington State Board of Education, it has been declared that Michelle Johanson will not face any possibility of termination. In fact, by showing initiative, the board is contemplating reviewing its stance on sexual education and considering teaching both female and male students how to properly perform oral sex. Johanson was suspended one week with pay to avoid any unwanted confrontations. She is expected to return to her classroom by next Monday.

Johanson has not come forward to speak with media as of yet, as she was reportedly advised by her teacher’s union representative to keep her mouth plugged for the time being.

Play-Doh Set Pulled From Shelves After Child Allegedly Assaulted

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Play-Doh is preparing to send thousands of customers replacement “extruder tools” after an onslaught of customer complaints. According to their Facebook page, future sets will include a different tool, although the company did not specifically say what is wrong with the current design.

Many parents are outraged that the Play-Doh Cake Mountain play set was even released, including Cliff Jorgenson of Ogunquit, Maine who says, “You think somewhere along the line, someone would say, this looks a little too much like a huge veiny cock. Let’s find a better design. It isn’t just phallic, it’s a cock.”

Although many were disturbed or amused, at least one family had a much more traumatic experience. A parent, who would like to remain anonymous, said that their daughter was ‘so shaken’ on Christmas morning when she opened her play set and pulled the tool out of the box.

“My daughter loves to bake. We thought she would be so excited when she opened her Play-Doh set on Christmas morning, but she immediately started wailing and became inconsolable. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, and we didn’t see the play set pieces at first” said the mother, whose daughter is 7. “Later we found the frosting tool in the trash, and my husband and I were shocked at the resemblance. It looked just like a giant wang. When we asked our daughter about it, she became hysterical again, and we knew something was wrong. A child psychiatrist eventually got her to describe a previous molestation episode, and the shape and orientation of the toy gave her PTSD flashbacks.”

Other details about the case are being kept confidential, as police investigate the alleged assault.

The girl’s father says they are not planning to sue. “It’s not [Play-Doh’s] fault people necessarily. People are sick. I do wish that they’d put a little bit of thought into the design of their product before releasing it though. We’re just happy that we found out when we did, because I also was able to quickly throw out our VHS copy of The Little Mermaid and hide her Mr. Bucket game, because his balls pop out of his mouth. Now on to kill the bastard who hurt my little girl!”

Former Child Star Amanda Bynes Rushed To Hospital With Migraines – What Doctors Discover Is Unbelievable!

Posted on December 30, 2014 by DesireeAmber

THOUSAND OAKS, California –

Former Nickelodeon child actress Amanda Bynes was rushed to the Los Robles Regional Medical Center after complaining of severe migraines to her roommate and live-in boyfriend. Both stated that they had not seen her take any medications or drugs before the headaches began, but began acting in a ‘crazy, erratic’ manner.

“She was saying crazy, insane things,” said Bynes’ roommate, who wished to remain anonymous. “It was just like she was acting back in October, when she went off on Twitter talking about her dad sexually abusing her, and how her parents put a chip in her head to control her and make her say and do crazy things. Except this time, the behavior also came with these extreme headaches. We’re all so scared for her.”

Upon her assessment with hospital staff, doctors found that Bynes’ would try desperately to rip open the skin on her head, digging her nails into her scalp. When doctors were able to perform a CAT scan, they were shocked to discover a small, plastic, MicroSD card inserted into her scalp.

Bynes’ family released a statement following Amanda’s admittance to the hospital:

Amanda, our sweet daughter, is finally getting the help she needs. We as a family would only like our privacy in this sensitive time. We also would like to abolish any rumors, as we do not condone abusing or putting microchips in your children. Thank you.

After the families press release, Mary Boherh, a case manager for state of California’s Department of Health and Human Services was called by the hospital. She has stated that there was, indeed, a microchip found implanted inside Bynes’ head, and that it has since been removed. Ali Belair, a doctor at the facility where Bynes’ is being treated, said that Amanda is ‘doing extremely well,’ and she is expected to be released to an outpatient program within the next few weeks where she can continue being cared for and observed.

Police investigators are looking into the allegations that Bynes’ parents may have had her under a form of mind-control by implanting the chip inside her head.

‘Saved By The Bell’ Star Dustin Diamond Charged With Murder After Stabbing Victim Dies

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

PORT WASHINGTON, Wisconsin –

Former Saved By The Bell star Dustin Diamond, best known for his awkwardly hilarious character Samuel “Screech” Powers on the timeless popular hit teen television series Saved By The Bell, has been charged with second-degree murder after a man he stabbed during a barroom brawl has died at a Wisconsin hospital.

Diamond, 37, initially told police that he accidentally stabbed the man with what he said was a ‘pen’, although he later referred to the weapon, which was never found, as a knife. According to Diamond, while trying to defend his fiance, 27-year-old Amanda Schutz, at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington, where Diamond is a resident, he was forced to brandish the weapon.

Diamond was initially charged with second-degree recklessly endangering safety, disorderly conduct, and carrying a concealed weapon and was released on $10,000 bail before the man, only being referred to by the name of ‘Casey’ per request of family, passed away. Originally reported that Casey was completely fine and his wounds mostly superficial, reports say he took a turn for the worse after a wound from the fight became infected. He died on the operating room table.

Port Washington Police Department spokesperson Marvin Maxwell made the public announcement this morning that Diamond is now being sought for charges of second-degree murder.

“As requested by the family, the last name of the deceased is not to be released at this time and will only be referred to as ‘Casey,'” Maxwell said in the statement. “The case is thoroughly being investigated by the best detectives in Port Washington. Due to the fact that Mr. Diamond used a concealed weapon during the altercation, the police department had no choice but to charge him with second-degree homicide. Please keep in mind that Mr. Diamond is innocent until proven guilty by the court of law,” Maxwell added.

Those who witnessed the altercation seemed to have mixed opinions on what happened during the Christmas night brawl. Some say Diamond was behaving negatively and arrogantly and after refusing to shake the hand of a woman, the fight began. Others say two men had Diamonds girlfriend by the hair and had punched her in the face several times before Diamond got involved. One witness, Carl Peters, told police that the stabbing victim had verbally provoked Diamond.

“He told Screech he wanted to give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker. Screech didn’t like that very much, and that’s when the tussle began” Peters said. “It was just like that episode where Screech got mad at Zack for stealing Lisa away from him, only this time, Screech stabbed the guy. It was awesome. I was half expecting Mr. Belding to come rushing out to break it up and yell ‘hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?!'”

Diamond has been re-arrested following the official announcement of the murder charge. No further court dates have been announced at this time.