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Elementary School Principal Fired, Arrested For Planning Real-Life ‘Purge’

Posted on by Chip

 WINTERFLOCK, Pennsylvania – Elementary School Principal Fire For Planning Real-Life 'Purge'

Principal Douglas Warner has officially been let go from his position at the Boutland Elementary School located in the small town of Winterflock, Pennsylvania. Warner was removed from his position after it was discovered he had been planning a school ‘purge’ modeled after the blockbuster hit movie The Purge, in which one day a year American citizens are able to kill each other without worrying about legal recourse.

It has been reported that Principal Warner has been planning the purge for months, and intended to follow through with the act at the beginning of the new year. Warner said he wanted to wait until 2015 so the parents of any affected children would be able to spend one last Christmas with their kids.

Police questioned Warner about his reasoning behind the school purge, and Warner said it was all about ‘weeding out’ the troublemakers.

“It’s obvious I was just fantasizing at an attempt to help society by weeding out some of the crazy, violent, troubled kids, and of course, the school bullies,” said Warner. “I mean come on, I wasn’t really going to do it, as far as you know…but you have to understand that there are always those certain kids who are just tiny little assholes. If we just get rid of those kids now, then we won’t have to deal with them when they are in tenth grade, bringing their dads handguns to school underneath their trench coats.”

Warner’s purge was uncovered when a fourth grade teacher found a notebook detailing explicit plans of the even, and turned it over to local police. Police reports show that within the notebook Warner had listed his intention of arming all students with make shift weapons the day of the purge.

Though Warner has been let go from his job at Boutland Elementary and was initially arrested, he was eventually released when police said they didn’t have enough evidence of crime to convict. It remains unclear if further legal action will be taken against Warner. In addition, legal sources have said that Warner would be able to get a principal job at a school within a different district without issue, assuming no charges are filed.

 

Jay-Z Buys LA Dodgers, Plans On Moving Them Back To Brooklyn For 2015 Season

Posted on by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California – Jay-Z Buys LA Dodgers, Plans On Moving Them Back To Brooklyn For 2015 Season

The battle for MLB in Los Angeles is over, as it looks as though the Angels will soon be the only LA team. Rapper and media mogul Jay Z and his Rockafella Investment Group have bought the Los Angeles Dodgers, and word is he’s bringing them back home to Brooklyn for the 2015 season.

“It all came together beautifully,” said Jay-Z, real name Shawn Carter. ”I already own Washington Park, home of the Brooklyn Cyclones. Dodger Stadium suffered just enough damage in a minor November earthquake to make it unsafe, and the Dodgers were a steal at just $2 billion. Washington Park is a little small, but it will be a nice intimate setting until I can build something bigger. I’m going to have my babygirl Beyonce sing the National Anthem on opening day! Hell I may have her sing it every time we’re there. The Brooklyn Dodgers are back home where they belong, it’s a beautiful thing!” 

”I love New York and it’s going to be great to be back again,” said Brooklyn Dodgers Manager Don Mattingly. “I know the players are looking forward to it, and a happy team equals a winning team, for sure, so it’s going to be a great season. Playing in a minor league park is going to be like old-time baseball, and Jay-Z is going to be great to play for.” 

“This is a freaking Christmas miracle,” said Brooklyn resident Carmine Classi. ”Oh, I’m sorry I don’t want to piss off Mr. Politically Correct Mayor De Blasio, so it’s  a freaking holiday miracle, whatever. Either way, this is the best day of my life. God bless the Brooklyn Dodgers and God bless Jay-Z!”

 

Channing Tatum To Get Breast Implants For Upcoming Movie Role

Posted on by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California – Channing Tatum To Get Breast Implants For Upcoming Movie Role

Actors immerse themselves in roles to varying degrees; some of the lesser or tired actors “phone it in,” while others go to extremes to create realistic portrayals.

Celebrity heartthrob Channing Tatum (22 Jump Street) definitely falls into the latter category, as he has announced today that he will be undergoing breast augmentation surgery for his role in Magic Mike XXL.

Tatum jumped at the chance to take on the challenge. “I didn’t hesitate for a second when my manager told me the storyline for the sequel. I didn’t read the script first, I didn’t even ask what the terms were for my salary. I just said ‘yes’ when I heard about the breasts. I can’t wait to start working on this new role. I want big ones, as big as possible! I asked the doctor to ‘Pam Anderson’ me,” said Tatum.

According to studio executives, Magic Mike XXL follows the continuing story of the character from the first film, Magic Mike, as he goes from being a sexy male stud stripper to a femme-fatale exotic dancer. The first film, which also starred Matthew McConaughey, made almost $114 million dollars back on its small, $7 million budget.

Tatum’s Hollywood star has risen in recent years, and this role undoubtedly will cement his status as a solid dramatic actor. “I remember when Robert De Niro gained all that weight for that boxing movie,” said Tatum, and “Tyler Perry literally transforms himself into that big, scary, fat old African-American lady, but I decided to have my physical body altered on the inside, which I think will be great for my career.”

Tatum’s new breasts will be implanted in February 2015, and the surgeon performing the augmentation has agreed to donate the proceeds to the Susan B. Komen For The Cure breast cancer awareness foundation. Breast cancer is suffered by both women and men.

“My fans seem to be pretty accepting,” said the actor. “Thousands of brand new fans can’t wait to see the results, and they’re literally begging me to send them photos! Did you know I have a fan club at San Quentin? I didn’t, but in any case, I’m really stoked to get stacked!”

Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California – Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

Disney announced yesterday a new film that many are calling a ‘breakthrough’ in the world of animation. The studio, known for their many stories of girls who are seeking their Prince Charming, have said that they are creating a new fairy-tale about a young girl who, this time, is seeking her Princess Charming.

“We have tried to branch out over the years, when it comes to our female characters,” said Disney executive Ellen Etheridge. “We have come a long way from Sleeping Beauty, and have tried to introduce strong female characters that young children can look up to. We introduced an African-American Princess a few years back, and we are looking to break new ground once more.”

Etheridge says that the new film, which is currently being written by Disney scribe Pete Docter (Toy Story, Up), centers on a young girl named Jude, who is struggling with the fact that she’s not like the other girls in her school, who are only interested in boys, shopping, and ‘getting pretty.’

“Jude is an orphan, and has very few people in her life that care for her. She is confused, as a lot of young, gay boys and girls can be,” said Etheridge. “When she is magically transported to a dream world, she meets and falls in love with another young girl, Brandie. The story revolves around Jude’s adventure in her real-world, trying to make it back to Brandie in the dream-world.”

“I want it to be something that all children can enjoy, not just gay children,” said Docter. “This is the first time that Disney has ever tried to make film like this, so it has to be just spectacular. The story is coming along well, and I think that everyone will be extremely happy with the film. It’s not stepping lightly on the aspect of homosexuality, it’s going to break down the walls. ”

Despite Docter’s extreme optimism, many parents groups are outraged by the idea that their children will be begging them to see a movie based around gay characters.

“I have no intention of letting my child see that filth,” said Mary Lambert, mother of Kathy, aged 7. “I know that she is going to want to see it, and then she’ll be singing the damn songs all day, which will probably all be about sodomy, or dildos, or other homo stuff. The she’ll want to go out as the character on Halloween. Then she’ll want toys and bed sheets and t-shirts and the DVD of the movie. Then she’ll start being interested in girls, and before I know it, she’ll be coming out to me while I cry my eyes out that I’ll never have a grandchild. This movie will be the death of Disney, I’ll see to it!”

Disney plans on releasing the as-yet-untitled film in the winter of 2016.

A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.
A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PHOTO GALLERY: The Ten Ugliest Actors In Hollywood (Who Somehow Keep Getting Work)

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

In the world of Hollywood glitz and glamor, nothing is more important than being beautiful. Sometimes, though, a role requires a specific type, or a specific face, and that face isn’t always up to par. These 10 famous actors may not have the typical Hollywood looks, but they have gone on to make a name for themselves in the business, and are recognizable as major stars, despite their appearance.

‘Westboro Baptist Church’ Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

Posted on by DvanL

TOPEKA, Kansas – 'Westboro Baptist Church' Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

Westboro Baptist Church, known more for its theatrical, attention-getting demonstrations than for its spreading of the gospel, finally admitted what many have suspected all along – it’s all been a colossal prank.

“It started in the church basement,” said former member and amateur performer Keith Lindsay. “We were losing members and money, so I formed an improv group called Winging It. We dressed up as angels and did lighthearted skits based on good deeds.”

The improvised good deeds changed depending on the audience, as Lindsay explained. “Sometimes we’d be at the mall and some woman would walk by wearing the most disastrously put together, wretched outfit, so we’d re-style her! I’d reach into my big bag and give her a makeover right on the spot! I have a talent for that,” he added.

The small-scale improv wasn’t giving the church the exposure they wanted, so Lindsay decided to “take things up a notch” in in effort to recruit more members. The troupe began acting out the most dramatic scenes from the Bible.

“We were stoning this woman at the mall once,” said Lindsay, “when a mother with her little boy said we should stop because it was too violent for her son to see. Well I was exhausted from being up all night practicing my improv and making all those paper mache rocks, and I lost my temper, but I stayed in character which is an improv comedy rule.”

Lindsay’s ‘ah-ha’ moment came when he criticized the young mother for dressing her young son in a pink shirt. “I said, ‘God hates the pink shirts and your son looks like a ‘you-know-what.’ She clearly didn’t know what I meant, and because I was still ‘in the moment’ I suddenly blurted out, ‘GOD HATES FAGS!’ and that’s how the whole thing started! The moment was so electric! I was trembling!” said Lindsay.

From that point forward, the church found themselves flooded with new members, all volunteering to make signs, protest funerals, and picket every event they could possibly think of.

“So that’s the story,” said Lindsay. “It was all just an act. The idea started as an improv comedy bit that we thought could get us some attention and new members, and it just blew up from there! I’m so relieved to finally come out and tell the truth,” he said. “‘Pastor’ Fred Phelps was a genius, and he took my blow-up at that woman in the mall to new heights. Once he got his daughter Shirley in front of a crowd, with her empty gaze and haggard looks, the entire thing became more believable than ever. I credit Fred and Shirley in making these little bits we had into a work of comedic excellence.”

Lindsay left the church when founder Fred Phelps passed away in March 2014, and is now focusing on a solo performing career.

“It was time to move on,” said the actor, but right now I’m writing my own one-man show, so just move over Liza Minnelli! Step aside Lada Gaga! I’m getting my act together and taking it on the road!”

Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Posted on by Abe Abrams

 HOUSTON, Texas – Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Houston transsexual Mark Miller not only claimed to be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a pregnant woman trapped in a man’s body. In what many have called a ridiculous and unnecessary surgery, Mr. Miller has had a baby doll surgically implanted in his body. 

”Well, believe it or not, this surgery was covered by Obamacare. I don’t get paid to make moral decisions, but as long as I get paid, I’ll do whatever the patient wants,” said Miller’s surgeon, Stephen Smith. “After sterilizing the doll Mr. Miller brought in, the surgery was pretty straight forward. Curiously, he didn’t want the doll implanted inside him, he wanted it more, like…infused into his body. He’s a strange fellow. Regardless, Miller is doing very well, and if he is ever ready for a sex change, I’ll be there for him, because Obamacare covers that, too.”

“For the first time in my life, I feel complete,” said Miller. “I look great, I feel pregnant, and without all that yucky morning sickness. When I put on makeup and a dress and look in the mirror, I finally see my true self. It’s also going to help my sex life;  you would be amazed at how many men love a pregnant woman, especially one as hairy as I am. The best part is when you press my belly button, you can hear my baby doll say ‘Ma-Ma.’ I’ve never been happier.”

”You see, this why we have to repeal Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “This is sick, and a slap in the face of God. If you want to be proud to be a Texan and an American again, vote for me to be the next President and I’ll repeal Obamacare and ship these homo-Americans to Massachusetts where they belong.”

 

TV’s Punky Brewster To Auction Her Eggs On eBay

Posted on by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California – TV’s Punky Brewster To Auction Her Eggs On eBay

Soleil Moon Frye, the actress known to millions as 1980s TV moppet Punky Brewster, has decided to sell something very personal on eBay. No, it’s not those miss-matched sneakers from her starring role; The actress, now 37, recently put her eggs up for auction on eBay with a starting bid of $10.

“I was hoping the opening bid would be more than $100, said Frye, “but I understand. I don’t have the eggs of a 20-year-old anymore. If I was a younger actress, like Jennifer Lawrence or Shia La Beouf, I bet I’d be able to get maybe ten or eleven thousand per egg. It’s much like how Hollywood operates,” she added.

Comments left by bidders ranged from the curious to the confused. ebayBetsy100 wrote “I was a big fan of Punky Brewster when I was a kid. If I use one of your eggs, will my baby be abandoned by the father, like Punky was? That would be so unfair to the child, no matter who the father is.”

Probuyer77 wrote: “I hope I win the bid because I want my daughter to be a famous person (or son). Will you be a surroget [sic] mother or will I have to carry the child? I would pay extra if you were the birth mother if I win your egg.”

Several users were actually more surprised with the fact that you could sell your own eggs on eBay than they were that Frye was selling hers. “Wow, I could probably make a fortune selling my eggs,” said eBay user quickcash666. “I mean hell, I get new ones every month anyway. I didn’t know that was allowed on eBay, or is [Soleil] just allowed to because she was famous once three decades ago? Celebrities get all the luck.”

Frye hopes her auction will bring awareness to the problem of infertility. “I’ve always been a trend setter,” she said. “I’ve always been unique. I was the only kid named Soleil in my classes all throughout school. Even if I don’t make a lot of money from this auction, I hope I can bring awareness to people facing reproductive difficulties. I mean, I’ve got three kids, so I know my eggs work just fine, but if just one of my eggs can complete a family, that would be enough reward for me, even though the money would be a bonus.”

Frye may get her wish. After completing this interview with Empire News, the actress was contacted by Michelle Duggar, star of the reality series 19 Kids and Counting. “They offered me a spot on the show,” said an excited Frye. “This will bring the awareness I was talking about and get me back into my acting, so it’s a win-win! They even mentioned a spin-off show called Frye’d Eggs! Their show is very popular and the Duggars said if the auction doesn’t go as well as I hope it will, they will buy my eggs directly! I guess the only thing we didn’t discuss was if I’m going to be, like, the 20th kid and counting or not.”

The high bid for Frye’s eggs was $477.01 at the time of this story’s posting.

Oprah Winfrey Buys Financially Troubled Grand Ole Opry, Will Rename It ‘Grand Ole Oprah’

Posted on by DvanL

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Oprah Winfrey Buys Financially Troubled Grand Ole Opry, Will Rename It 'Grand Ole Oprah'

Financially troubled country music institution the Grand Old Opry has accepted a buyout offer from media mogul and car-giveaway queen Oprah Winfrey in a deal that guarantees the stage concert’s existence well into the next century. There was just one condition – a name change. Oprah insisted that the theater be renamed “The Grand Ole Oprah.”

Opry General Manager Ralph Jackson Rogers spoke from his Opry office: “We were in a bind, and I got a call from the horse’s mouth herself,” Rogers explained. “My secretary told me she had Miss Oprah Winfrey on the phone and I thought she was just pulling my damn leg. I picked up the phone and she said ‘Hello, it’s Opraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’ the way she does you know, so I knew it was her. I was shocked.”

Winfrey, a country music fan, heard the Opry was facing financial difficulties from her close friend, Gayle King. “I was doing a segment for my show, CBS This Morning,” explained King, “and I overheard an employee talking about cutbacks.”

“I got back from Nashville and rushed right over to tell Oprah about the Opry,” said King. “And Steadman too,” she added. “He was there too.”

Winfrey immediately researched the Opry’s financial state. “As most of my devoted followers already know,” said Winfrey, “I moved to Nashville as a teenager. I would be spiritually devastated if the Opry disappeared, so I decided the right thing to do was to buy it.”

Winfrey revealed a childhood dream that one day she would be the star of her very own musical theater. “Well,” admitted the multi-billionaire, “as most of my devoted followers already know, I can’t sing. Steadman tells me that all the time. He was here just the other day when Gayle came over to tell us both the news. Now I own the Opry and we’re thrilled! Steadman and I are thrilled!”

The Grand Ole Oprah will debut next spring in a star-studded extravaganza produced by The Oprah Winfrey Network. Oprah now operates the Opry, but not everyone is as exited as Oprah, Steadman, and Gayle at the change.

Local fan and devoted audience member Mary Coursey remarked, “What’s she gonna buy up next, NASCAR? Then she’d go and rename that ‘Oprah’s Go-Kart Festival’? Now I’m not saying nothing prejudiced, but ever since Obama got in, there’s been some mighty big changes in this country. Still,” Coursey reluctantly added, “I’m glad the Opry will be around for my grandbabies to enjoy. I know Oprah’s one of the good ones,” she added, “but down here we’re still gonna keep callin’ it the Opry!”

Man Sues Dating Website, Says ‘My Perfect Matches Are Always Black’

Posted on by JP

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – Man Sues Dating Website, Says 'My Perfect Matches Are Always Black'

A Charlotte man has filed a lawsuit against a popular online dating site, citing his ‘extreme unhappiness’ with the results the website had been giving him. Gil Green, age 33, claims that all of the ‘perfect matches’ recommended to him through the site were African-American.

“I want to find myself a nice white woman and the site couldn’t get that straight,” said Green. “It isn’t fair to me at all that they would assume that I’m into black girls. I put in all my own information, and what I was looking for in a girl, and every time I checked who it matched me with, it was some dark-skinned broad.”

Green is claiming that the website was ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his love life, and that is why he was filing suit.

“I’m just a simple man, and I’m trying to find a wife, or at least a couple good dates, maybe a couple of blowjays, you know? But no mater how many times computer tells me my perfect match is black, I can’t just settle on that,” said Green. “It’s not a racist thing, I’ve met black people before. Some of them are even pretty cool. I just don’t find black women attractive. I’m sure plenty of black women don’t find me attractive. I shouldn’t have to change my standards to find a date on the internet.”

Green’s lawyer, Joe Goldsmith, Esq., who filed the suit in a North Carolina Superior Court, said he thinks that Green has ‘no chance in hell’ of ever winning the case.

“I only took this case for the money, my practice is struggling, and whatever pays the bills, you know?” said Goldsmith. “Mr. Green seems to be really confused about the internet and online dating in general, because the website he is filing suit against is ‘blackpeoplemeet.com’. Obviously his matches are going to be African-American. Frankly, Mr. Green is an idiot, and quite possibly a bigot.”

Representatives of blackpeoplemeet.com have yet to comment on the lawsuit, except to say that they “assume the outcome of the case will be a no-brainer.”

 

 

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