Post-Terrorist Attack, Brussels Still Officially #SaferThanATrumpRally

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRUSSELS, Belgium –

Social media has been abuzz the last few weeks with the hashtag #SaferThanATrumpRally, with many folks listing some absurd and dark places that are safer to be than at a Donald Trump rally.

After the attack in Brussels, Belgium, most would assume that they’d rather be anywhere else, but according to social media, even the terrorist-attacked city would be a better place to be than with any view of Donald Trump.

“I’d rather be in Brussels with a shirt with a target on it that says ‘fuck you, Muslim scum’ than ever set foot at a Trump rally,” said New York resident Joel Miller. “I was downtown during 9/11. Scariest time of my life. I’d rather live that all over again, too, than ever be at a Trump rally. The man, and his minions, are mindless, soulless villains.”

As with all tragedies, everyone is standing with Brussels, and an onslaught of support has appeared from all corners of the globe, with many users on social media changing their pictures to a photo of the flag of Belgium in solidarity.

“Donald Trump is a nightmare. I’ve seen people get punched in the face while simply standing still, peacefully, at one of his rallys,” said Maryanne Lewis of Detroit, Michigan. “I’d sooner throw beer and ham at a Muslim holding an AK-47 with TNT strapped to his ass than be at a Trump rally. These are terrifying times, both in the US and abroad.”

Couple Renovating New Home Find $6M In Cash Stored Between Walls

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LINCOLN, Nebraska –

A couple who recently purchased an old farmhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, got a massive surprise when they began renovating their house last month. Melissa and Bryan Jenkins, both 32, purchased the house with a $10,000 down payment. The total cost of the home? $189,000.

“We are going to be able to pay off the house instantly now, with this cash. And once we do, we’re selling the hell out of it and buying a mansion,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe the dumb luck. We didn’t even want this house. It was like, our 3 or 4th choice, but the other sales fell through. So we took what we could get.”

Bryan Jenkins says that he took the first swing with the hammer at the wall, and several bills poured right out.

“We were opening up the first floor bedroom to make a bigger dining room, and cash just started raining down with every swing,” said Bryan. “We couldn’t believe it. We were almost screaming with excitement. By the end of the weekend, we’d pretty much smashed out every wall that wasn’t a retaining wall, and even some of those we may have knocked a couple holes in.”

All totaled, the couple racked up over $6 million in cash.

“According to state law, the money is ours. The house has been vacant for over 20 years, and just like if you found an old bike in the weeds of an overgrown garden, everything that comes with the house is yours when you move in,” said Melissa. “We’re so blessed. Now to get the hell out of Nebraska.”

Obama Portrait To Replace Grant On U.S. $50 Bill

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It’s all about the Obamas, Baby. The United States Mint, the organization responsible for printing and pressing all of the nation’s currency, has announced today that President Barack Obama is going to be the new face of the U.S. $50, which currently features president Grant.

“Most people cannot even name the person on the $50, and we have been looking to change it for some time,” said U.S. Mint chairman Michael Rafael. “President Obama has been instrumental in making some of the best changes that this country has ever gone through, and together with congress, we have decided to immortalize the president by having his face appear on new bills.”

The new United States fifties will begin being pressed later this year, after the mint develops the metal presses needed to print the bills. Although they will start being printed later in 2016, Rafael says that they will not see public circulation until 2017.

“We do not want to release the bills while the president is still active in his seat in the White House,” said Rafael. “We will start releasing the bills as soon as Bernie Sanders is sworn in as our next elected official.”

Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MURPHY, Delaware –

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

President Obama Says He Will Release All Drug Offenders From U.S. Prisons

Posted on March 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama says commuting the prison sentences of 61 drug offenders was “just the beginning” in the massive overhaul he is making in the US criminal justice system.

“After successfully fixing the US healthcare system, I thought ‘what else can I do to make the most impact in my term?’” Obama, in a letter to the inmates receiving commutations, said the presidential power to grand commutations and pardons “embodies the basic belief in our democracy that people deserve a second chance after having made a mistake in their lives that led to a conviction under our laws.”

Obama will be releasing non-violent drug offenders only, and there will be oversight so that only those deserving of a second chance, who pinky promise that they won’t do it again, will be released. Obama denies that being a proud, half-black man has anything to do with his interest in fixing the criminal justice system.

“Just because I’m half-African American, and most of the criminals in prison on drug charges are also black, doesn’t mean that I’m being lenient,” said Obama. “I mean, let’s be clear, most of the men in prison are black no matter what their crime is, but I’m not letting out the rapists and the murderers.”

14 Dead, 22 Injured After Riots and Protests At Latest Trump Rally

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEDFORD, Wisconsin –

14 people are dead and at least 22 are injured after Trump supporters attacked a group of peaceful protestors at the candidates latest rally in Wisconsin. Trump, who is known for egging on supporters to harass and bully his detractors, said that he was “overjoyed” that there were less people now standing in his way.

“Everywhere I go, there are more and more people standing in my way, trying to keep this country down, when all I want to do is make America great again,” said Trump. “In Wisconsin, we had horrible riots and there were some deaths, yes, but the only ones killed were Trump protestors, Trump detractors. There are fewer now, and for that, we should all be thankful.”

Trump has offered multiple times to pay the legal fees of any one of his constituents who is arrested or charged for crimes against protestors. In this case, police are still sorting out how and where the riot originated.

“We know that there were a group of 15 or 20 peaceful protestors standing outside the hall where Trump was campaigning,” said Police Chief Mario Jones. “According to witnesses, that group was attacked by a handful of Trump supporters, who beat them with rocks, bats, and chains. Most were killed instantly, but some are mending in a local hospital. Once they are out of their comas, we will begin questioning.”

Trump was not held liable for the riots, despite being the one to incite it.

SHOCKING! Hillary Clinton Having Secret Affair With Bernie Sanders

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what seems like a story straight out of the mind of a political satirist, Senators Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are reportedly engaged in a “very torrid love affair,” according to insiders.

In emails possibly more damaging to Clinton than Bengazi, a series of love letters, sexual fantasies, and nude selfies were leaked to the internet on Tuesday morning, reportedly exchanged between Clinton and Sanders. Although the two have become bitter rivals on the campaign trail, the emails show that most of what happens on stage and on TV during the race is mostly for show.

“I’m so glad to feel your ‘bern,'” said one email sent by Clinton to Sanders, along with a nude picture taken in a full-length mirror. “Bill has been looking past me for months. I needed someone to come along like you who can fulfill all my real needs. Can’t wait to see you out there, baby.”

There were multiple responses from Sanders as well, most of them filled with too many sexual expletives for printing.

Both candidates have denied any wrongdoing, and say that there is decidedly no “affair” happening between them. The emails were reportedly leaked by a Sanders staffer who used a laptop with the account left open by Sanders himself.

New York City Restaurant Becomes First To Get License To Serve Human Flesh

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.

“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”

Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.

“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”

Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.

“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”

Donald Trump Tweets Nude Pic To Prove He’s Well Hung

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The media has been in a frenzy the last week after Donald Trump mentioned that there were “no problems” with the size of his penis during the recent Republican debates. Although most people were in shock that such crude and asinine comments were made during a presidential race, a huge chunk of the internet started asking for Trump to prove it, using the social media hashtag #TrumpShowUsYourPenis.

The Donald, not one to back down from a challenge, accepted the outcries of the young people of social media, and today he tweeted a fully nude selfie showing how big he really is.

“You asked for it America, and here it is,” said Trump’s tweet. “I wasn’t lying about the size of my penis, and I’m not lying about making this country great again. #dickpic.” Also included was a link to the image, which is obviously NSFW.

The tweet went viral immediately, as did the picture attached. Most people were in shock when they saw how big he actually was, and still others say that they’re actually going to vote for him now.

“Before this picture and tweet, I thought he was a buffoon,” said Joelle Clarke of Lansing, Michigan. “Now that he actually had the balls – literally – to tweet a picture of his package, I believe that he has the balls to get things done in the White House, too.”

Senator Bernie Sanders, when asked about the picture, said he “hadn’t seen it,” and “had no interest in doing so.” Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton said that she had set it as her cell phone’s wallpaper, and was currently discussing with her campaign manager whether it would be a good idea to tweet a picture of her own big, ugly penis.

Weathermen Predict Heavy Snowfall In Summer After Mildest Winter On Record

Posted on February 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey –

Much of the country was unaffected by massive snowstorms this winter, with only one major storm hitting the Eastern part of the United States. Now, most meteorologists say that this summer will be the coldest in history, with much of the country seeing the snow they should have gotten in December and January coming in June and July.

“I know it’s extremely odd to see these types of weather patterns, but it’s true,” said TV weatherman Joel Goldsmith of WMTX in New Jersey. “What people don’t understand is that global warming causes extreme heat, and extreme cold, and it cycles. Most of the country experienced the warmest weather in recorded history, and those temperatures will not hold up indefinitely.”

Goldsmith says that he expects to see much of the United States getting hit with violent rain, wind, and yes, even snowstorms, throughout most of the summer months.

“Most of New England will be buried this summer, upwards of 48 inches of snow can be coming in one storm over multiple days,” said Goldsmith. “Come July, you’re going to feel like it’s Christmas out there, because there will be record snowfall. Be cautioned, it’s going to get ugly. It’s not just New England, either. The entire country will be affected by this. Get your milk and bread tucked away now; it’s coming, and it’s coming fast.”