Google Redirects Searches For ‘Who Runs The World?’ To Pictures Of Monkeys – Racism, Or Vision of Future?

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Does Google know something we don’t? There has been mass panic about a possible Planet Of The Apes future after searches for “who runs the world?” input into the world’s largest search engine has been redirecting users to pictures of monkeys.

The man responsible for unveiling this grim reality, Garrett Johnson, explains how he stumbled upon his findings.

“I was searching for that Beyonce song, ‘Who Runs the World,’ because I hadn’t heard it in a while, and had forgotten the answer. What I found sent me into a bit of a panic – I thought maybe Queen B had been turned into a monkey or some such thing.”

Tech expert Findo Mashwa played down the possibility of monkey domination. “If Google knew about it,” he said, “they’d certainly do something – probably buy the monkeys out for absurd sums of money. I have perfect faith in the company with access to all the important information in my life.”

An unnamed Google exec moved to calm the public, in a statement that was released to the press.

“Speaking on behalf of Google, I apologize profusely for the confusion caused. The answer to who runs the world is certainly not monkeys. However, that is the correct answer to the popular query of who runs the fur trade in Argentina.”

Some were still sceptical, especially once it was revealed that searching for “fur trade+Argentina” brought up pictures of beavers.

“Something doesn’t add up,” said Google user Mark George. “All I know is, if monkeys end up ruling the world, they’d better keep their stinking paws off me. Damn dirty apes.”

Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

Leo Yang was among the first survivors to appear alive from the wreckage following the TransAsia crash in Taiwan 2 days ago. The 34-year-old businessman appeared, miraculously unscathed, following the incident, which made his death less than an hour later all the more tragic.

Yang had been pulled from the wreckage with little more than a scratch on him, baffling the rescuers who helped save him. He was reported as appearing respectively calm and collected during the extraction.

“When he came out, he thanked us politely and sat in our rescue raft until we took him back to shore,” one rescue worker said. “We assumed he was in a state of shock or something like that. He was almost too calm. After we brought him to shore, he leaned against a rail and pulled out a package of airline peanuts. That was the last time we saw him alive.”

According to an eyewitness, Yang had propped himself against a railing along a walkway. There he stood and attempted to open a package of peanuts for a good hour while he watched the rescue crew continue to work.

“That bag must have been hard to open. But he was calm the whole time,” said the onlooker. “News crews kept passing him by. They thought he was an onlooker because he was so calm.”

The witness then said that Yang suddenly reacted violently. “As soon as he was able to open the peanuts and began eating them, he clutched his throat and began to convulse. It wasn’t long before he collapsed. I called over the paramedics that were available, but it was too late.”

According to paramedics on the scene, Yang fell to an acute allergic reaction to whey protein.

“Some of these packaging companies use a whey powder to help preserve the flavor of peanuts in packaging. Yang apparently did not read the nutrition label on the package, likely due to being emotionally flustered. The adrenaline associated with shock from the crash likely had his body redlining, and so the reaction to the allergy was swift and intense.”

Yang is survived by his wife Patty and his three sons, Charlie, Franklin, and Linus.

25 Dead In Crazy Plane Crash In Taiwan, Footage Caught On Camera – You Won’t Believe The Cause!

Posted on February 4, 2015 by skullman

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

A pilot who was flying a jet full of passengers crashed almost immediately after takeoff yesterday, with the plane landing in the middle of Taipei, narrowly missing the freeway, and crashing into offices and homes.

Taiwan airline officials, who are normally very reserved on speaking to the American press, said that they would like people to know that it was all about pilot error, and not to blame the airline.

“We want everyone to know that our airline is very safe. Always safe,” said airline spokesman Kim Ho. “We are not like Malaysia airlines. Our passengers always get to their destination safely. No crashes. Planes never go missing. This was all because the pilot fell asleep on takeoff. That’s not normal, though. Seriously, we are not Malaysia airlines. Please, please…keep flying with us.”

According to Ho, the pilot may have nodded off while trying to bring the plane into the air.

“The pilot was up too late. He likes to party! Maybe he was drinking? I don’t know. We have not found black box yet, so we can’t know. Pilot also had bad allergies, and looking at online video, maybe he just sneezed really hard, and plane went down. He just not as good at plane flying as Denzel Washington. Denzel can fly drunk and on cocaine. This pilot, he suck at flying.” said Ho. “But, don’t worry, it was not terrorist, or any sort of supernatural thing, or government shooting us down, no no. Not like Malaysia airlines. This was just pilot. He is stupid pilot, that’s all. That’s all. Most of our pilots, they not as stupid as this one. Trust us!”

The airline says that they are offering discounted flying rates over the next few months to encourage people to continue to use their airlines.

“We will give great deals now, on tickets,” said Ho. “Please, please. Fly with us still. Try us! We will get you where you want to go, and we will get you there safe. Accidents happen sometime, but this just once. We have good cookies and sodas when you fly with us. Movies too, like Dr. Dolittle and Con Air. Come, give a try. You’ll love us. We’re not Malaysia Airlines. Please fly!”

Liam Neeson To Co-Star With Denzel Washington In ‘Pulp Fiction’ Remake Directed By Martin Scorsese

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

UNIVERSAL CITY, California –

Ronald Meyer, COO of Universal Pictures, announced yesterday that silver screen tough guys Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington have both signed on for the highly anticipated remake of Pulp Fiction, to be directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese.

“I am extremely excited to finally make the news official. The idea, actually pitch by original director Quentin Tarantino, was sort of a joke turned into a stroke of mad genius,” Meyer said. “Quentin called me one day after we had been out for drinks, and said ‘I was joking when I said it, but imagine, Scorsese, Liam Neeson and Denzel, it’d be freaking gold!’ he shouted through the phone. Together we sort of manifested this beast of an idea, and low and behold, they all loved it and wanted to do it.”

Tarantino, who will act as an Executive Producer, was held responsible for calling and recruiting Neeson. “It was nerve- wracking, calling Liam. He is always interesting, though. So I called the guy, and he sounded pissed, a scary calm, but super angry kind of voice, ya know? He said ‘Look, you little freak, I don’t want to be in your little movie. I will never play opposite Denzel Washington. In fact, if you call here again, I will find you, and I will kill you.’ I sat there silent, debating whether or not to hang up the phone for like 30 seconds, trembling, and then he burst out laughing. “Gotcha good, Quentin! Hell yes, I would love to do it!’ I was like a little kid in a candy store after that,” Tarantino said. “My job is done, so now I can sit back and enjoy the ride.”

The remaining casting has not been completed according to Meyer. “We are probably looking at winter of 2016 mega-release. It will be huge,” he said.

Statue Of Liberty Stolen, NYPD Blame French Terrorists

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

The Statue Of Liberty was reported stolen by security guards early this morning after they watched helplessly as a choreographed fleet of stealthily painted, unmarked apache helicopters lifted Miss Liberty from her base at Liberty Island and carried her away. New York Police Department Commissioner Bill Bratton believes theft was “an act of terrorism” by France.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:30 am this morning. Security officer Bobby Grazia told reporters that he and the three other guards on duty, who work third shift, were eating hoagies for lunch when the event occurred.

“Me and the guys were eating lunch from a joint called Luigi’s, which was great by the way. They pack that meat in there so good, it’s like heaven. My father has been taking me there to eat since I’m two years old. Yo, anyway, yeah a whole flock of choppers just swooped right in and hauled her away. The lady, I mean, not my sub. We shined our flashlights at them and were yelling at them to get them to stop, I guess they didn’t hear us,” Grazia said.

Police Commissioner Bratton is not taking the news lightly. “It’s not anything we can’t get over, but it’s the point ya know? They stole our girl from us. France is responsible, I am sure of it, everybody knows France is a country of arrogant, pompous Indian givers. If we can’t get her back, we will rebuild better and stronger than ever. After all, that’s what we do here in this great city.

Senate Approves Prostitution Freedom Bill, President Obama Expected To Sign Off

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Senate passed a bill today to force approval of federally legalized prostitution in the United States, which President Obama is expected to pass in his second official clash with the new Republican-majority Congress.

Earlier this week, the Senate approved a bill in support of the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Now, with two bills heading towards the President’s desk, Republicans seem to be going after and testing President Obama after winning control of the Senate late last year. Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, who is the majority leader chose the ‘Prostitution Freedom’ bill as the bold companion to the Keystone Oil Pipeline bill, and says that Republicans now have the Presidents hands tied.

“The President would be ill advised to veto both bills,” McConnell said. “Obama would have to be stupid to shoot down both, so it seems that he is going to pass the prostitution bill and veto the Keystone pipeline bill, which he is seemingly more concerned with preventing. Democrats are more likely to warm up to the idea of legalized prostitution these days, and for good reason. It works for the state of Nevada, and it will work for the rest of the country. Sometimes, the typical American citizen needs to unwind after a tough week at work.”

The Senate voted 61-37 in favor of legalized prostitution, and nine democrats joined Republicans in passing the bill. Democratic senator George Charles of Colorado says that prostitution would help his state just as much, if not more, than the legalization of marijuana. “I mean heck, it is safer this way. Licensed prostitutes will be required to have monthly check-ups to ensure they have a clean product. Without legalized prostitution you have women, and men, walking the streets with God knows what disease while soliciting clients,” Charles said. “I know that when it’s time to go out and find a nice whore, I want to be ensured that she’s as clean as my Mama’s backside, if you know what I’m getting at.”

First Reported Death By Personal Drone As Woman Killed In Arizona

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Arizona woman Danielle Persephone has been pronounced dead after being struck by a personal drone, in the first incident of its kind. The drone had been procured to gratuitously film scenes of thirty-something year old mothers drinking tea and eating cocktail sandwiches at a birthday party for one of four year old children.

Paramedics arrived promptly, but were not able to resuscitate the mother of two, and pronounced her dead on the scene.

“We’ve been expecting something of it’s kind for years now,” said ambulance driver Ray Harrington. “Drones on private properties, controlled by inept dads trying to impress their jaded families, have always promised disaster. Remember that hilarious video of that groom being hit in the face at his wedding? That had me laughing for days.”

A close friend of the deceased released a statement lamenting the loss. “Danielle will be missed by her two sons – or are they daughters? – as well as her husband, or wife, or ex, or whoever it was she used to bring to these things. I am sure I speak for every one of her friends in saying that this is a tragedy we will gossip about for many years to come.”

The incident will reignite debate on the safety of utilizing technology created for the purpose of bringing death to the enemies of the free world.

“Drones are indicative of Obama’s presidency,” said Republican senator, Dick Howard. “Now they’re a threat to innocent American citizens. I’m a big advocate of the 2nd amendment, but this is going too far.”

New England Albino Man Goes Missing During Snowstorm, Police Still Searching

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

An albino New England native, John Logan, has gone missing during a snowstorm in New England. There has been no sightings of the pigmentally challenged individual thus far, yet rescue services are hoping that with the storm settling by late Tuesday, they’ll be able to find signs of his whereabouts.

“It’s strange that we haven’t found him,” said rescue worker Jonah Abrahams. “We’ve usually located missing persons by this time, even in a storm of this calibre. It’s like he just…dissolved.”

Longtime friend of Logan, Burson Brookes, suggested that Logan’s disadvantaged background may be related to his disappearance. According to Brookes, Logan has a physiological defect – that of being left-handed.

“John was never allowed to join the scouts,” he said. “They claimed that he wouldn’t be able to fit in, because he’d have to learn the skills they taught from the inverse side, but we all knew it was down to that prejudice against lefties the scouts are infamous for.”

Logan’s mother also blasted the local Boy Scouts, saying that he’d probably be home safe now were it not for their bigotry against anyone “with the slightest difference.”

“I know they’ve discriminated against boys of color,” the frantic mom stated. “But Johnny was certainly not a boy of color.”

Late afternoon attempts to locate Logan were hampered by another mystery. Numerous sightings were reported of what has been described as a “paranormal,” and “ghostly” phenomenon. Members of the public who had previously volunteered to help search for their fellow citizen were scared and discouraged, lowering Logan’s chances of being found.

“It’s some sort of freak show out there,” one visibly shaken witness said. “I mean, this could be the cause of his disappearance.”

When asked to describe what had left her so scared, she stated that an outfit was out there moving of its own accord, seemingly inhabited by an invisible man. “Either that, or someone with freakishly good camouflage for these conditions.”

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

In a move that could spell the end of the online world as we know it, Google has announced plans to purchase Facebook in the first ever trillion-dollar acquisition. The multi-trillion dollar tech giant has long been linked with the social media empire, after its own version, Google Plus, failed to attract the same sort of dedicated users that Facebook has.

“This is exciting news,” said a sweaty, blustering, bespectacled, morbidly obese geek. “The idea of Google taking over the next biggest chunk of the web has previously been vaunted, but I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I mean, look at me. I spend most of my time on my ass eating bacon off my unwashed body in my mother’s basement. How many more years am I likely to survive? I’m a heart attack weighting [sic] to happen. Pardon the pun, heh heh.”

Others were not so enthusiastic about the rumors.

“I know everyone’s freaked out about the government having all their info, and that’s kinda my fault,” said NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden from somewhere in Russia. “But Google is who we really need to worry about. We willingly give them our life secrets, hoping they’ll keep it for us so that we never lose it. I have no doubt they’re grooming some naive intern to take over the world. Now they’re gonna have Facebook too? Oy vey!”

Mark Zuckerberg earlier denied reports that he was willing to sell his brainchild, even going so far as to change the tagline on the Facebook log-in page to read, “It’s mine and always will be.”

He later changed his stance, however, after Google came back to them with such an outrageous offer.

“Well, I always said that money was not what Facebook was about, despite really only caring about ad revenue, going public, and making me filthy rich,” said Zuckerberg. “Still – it was about people, not money. That said, who would turn down a trillion dollars? A trillion dollars?! Nobody, that’s who. Nobody on the face of the planet would turn down that kind of money. And only Google has the balls to fork it over to get what they want.”

Rumors that the company will change the name of the social media giant from Facebook to Googlebook could not be confirmed.

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL ‘Just Not Challenging Anymore’

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After leading his team, like a fearless warrior against arrogant showboating thugs, to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions the Seattle Seahawks last night, four-time Lombardi Trophy winning quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL. The announcement came in an unscheduled, private press briefing, which consisted of only six people, including wife Gisele, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft, and two reporters, at the team’s headquarters in Foxborough.

“While I am greatly honored to have been a key part of this incredible franchise, it is with bittersweet sentiment that I stand before you and announce that I have decided to end my career with a bang,” the fifteen-year NFL veteran said. “The game has just become too easy, it’s just not challenging anymore. Look at this game film again. As you can see, I threw the two interceptions on purpose just to make the game more exciting. It was kind of like playing a toddler in Madden on XBox, and letting them get a ten-point lead so that the victory seemed more exciting. Today’s players just don’t have the skill-set or passion. When people start accusing you of deflating footballs, there is an issue.”

Brady, who is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, completed a Super Bowl record of 37 passes, and threw for 4 touchdowns. He went on to discuss tenative future plans. “Well I think I am going to take some time to relax, enjoy my sexy wife, and eventually pursue a career in modeling to keep busy,” Brady stated confidently.

Belichick, who was standing with his back against the rear wall, stated that coaching Brady was a pleasure, but the team would move on without him happily. “Tom was a great quarterback for this franchise and I love him dearly, but it’s time for him to go. I am glad I had the opportunity to make him who he is. He couldn’t have done it without me.”