‘Ghost Hunters’ Capture Real Ghost On Film While Shooting Episode

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Sy-Fi channel’s Ghost Hunters claim they have finally captured a real ghost on film, and the channel plans to air a special episode on Thanksgiving Day. Executives at Sy-Fi hope this will be the most watched hour in television history.

“It’s amazing, and truly terrifying. We were filming at a Civil War battleground site, and we actually saw and caught a ghost on film. It wasn’t just a noise, and it wasn’t just us playing things up for the camera like normal,” said Jason Hawes, paranormal specialist and star of Ghost Hunters. ”I’ll be honest with you – the show has always been fake, of course. We never find anything real. It’s TV for crying out loud. The way it usually goes is Grant or Steve say in a scared voice, ‘did you see that?!’ or ‘did you hear that?!’ and then we all act scared, but it’s just for show. Not this time, though.”

“I was scared as hell. I’m not going to lie – I pissed myself when I saw it. All this time ‘hunting’ for ghosts, we’d never seen a thing. 10 years of filming episodes; neither us nor our viewers seeing anything but night vision images of ‘spooky’ locations,” said Grant Wilson, co-founder of TAPS. “That’s half the reason I left the show in the first place. I am so glad I came back for this hunt. This changes it all. When this airs, people all over the world will stare in awe. It’s not any trickery, it’s not CGI. This was an honest-to-goodness, no bullshit ghost.”

“Now that I’ve seen a real ghost, I’m done, I’m never doing this again, it was fun when it was fake, but now forget about it,” said Hawes. “I’m going back to Kansas to work in my Dad’s Hardware store.”

”Ghost Hunters have filmed a real ghost, trust me, I saw it a couple of days ago and I haven’t slept since,” said Sy-Fi Channel executive Mark McGoldrick. “I can promise you, this will change the world as we know it. We now have proof of an afterlife, and of a spirit world. Do you have any idea what that will do for our ratings?!”

Chuck E. Cheese’s Plans Customer Background Checks To Deter Sex Offenders

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Chip

IRVING, Texas –

This morning the children’s entertainment franchise Chuck E. Cheese’s has announced their intention to deploy a new policy that will take effect January 2015. The company has decided it will require all customers to consent to a background check before entering their establishments. The company has said that if a potential guest shows up on the National Sex Offender Registry, they will be prohibited from entering the business.

Shortly after the official announcement, Morty Archibald, a Chuck E. Cheese’s General Manager and company spokesperson told the media that he expects the new policy to be the biggest win the company has seen in decades.

Archibald said “Look, it’s no secret; our net worth has drastically decreased since the 1980’s, primarily due to the perception that our business fosters an environment that attracts pedophiles and sex offenders that are just itching to snatch a kid, and partly due to the fact that we’re an arcade, which no one really cares about anymore.”

“If I’m being completely honest,” continued Archibald, “I’ve seen the parents that bring their kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s and I am of the belief that many of these kids would probably be better off with the child molesters and pedophiles. God, these parents are horrible sometimes. Most of them drink for hours straight, and then we let them drive these kids home. Why in the hell do we even serve alcohol?! Anyway, unfortunately our patrons and shareholders just don’t see it the same was that I do.”

According to Chuck E. Cheese’s, guests should now expect a 60 – 90 minute wait before entering the building. The spokesperson said that they will have a ‘shack-like’ building in the parking lot in which an employee will run a background check and provide all guests that have passed the check with a colored wristband.

The company will be requiring an upfront $25 fee from all potential guests. They say the fee will be going towards the cost of checking the National Sex Offender Registry, however the fee has been a point of controversy as the mentioned registry is available online for free.

Archibald said that on top of the background checks, Chuck E. Cheese’s will also become a ‘loner-free’ zone.

“We are no longer going to be allowing adults without children into our buildings, regardless of the background check. Chuck E. Cheese’s sees absolutely no reason that any adult would want to come here without bringing a child. This is just another way to make sure we’re keeping the creeps out, and the families happy.”

In addition, employees will be able to deny potential guests entrance at their discretion, even if the guest passes the background check. Archibald said “We will be encouraging our employees to use their natural instincts to discriminate against customers. We honestly feel it’s better to offend several minorities than lose one child.”

Though many are welcoming the company’s new policy, others say it’s just a washed out company’s sad attempt to regain relevance while charging unnecessary fees.

DeLorean Motor Company To Produce Replica ‘Back To The Future’ Time Machines For Public Sale

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOUSTON, Texas –

The DeLorean DMC-12 is one of the most recognizable cars in the world. Although the model itself had an original run of less than 10,000 and only was made for one year, the car’s starring role in the Back to the Future franchise made the car a sought-after piece of movie history amongst collectors.

The original DeLorean Motor Company closed its doors in the early 80s, but the name, DMC, and the company that rose in its place to support owners of the original model, has announced that they have partnered with Universal Pictures, the film studio responsible for Back to the Future, to create a replica line of cars from the film. The new DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 will be made available staring in 2015, the 30th anniversary of the original Back to the Future film.

“There has been talk all over the internet of a real-life hoverboard, and sadly that turned out to not be true,” said DMC spokesman Milton Baines. “When we realized what a massive call there was for Future merchandise, we realized that we could do something really great here at the new DeLorean Motor Company. Initial plans started at the beginning of last year, and we’ve worked closely with the original build team for the movies to get the car exactly as it appears in the films.”

DMC says that the Time Machine version of the DMC-12 that will be available is based on the model shown in Back to the Future II and III.

“It’s going to have the Mr. Fusion on the back, it has to,” said Baines. “I think that movie fanatics, car collectors, and anyone who is a massive fan of Back to the Future is going to want to get this car. We only wish that we could really make it travel through time!”

The DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 is set to begin sale in June of 2015, and they are being custom-built at an order cost of a relatively modest $25,000 each – the same price that the vehicle cost when new in 1981. The production will mark the first time that a film studio will be a part of a release of vehicles for public purchase.

Michael Vick Investigated In Suspected Cockfighting Ring

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Abe Abrams

GREENWAY, New Jersey –

Michael Vick and five others were taken into custody for questioning today as State Troopers and FBI agents raided the Vick estate in Greenway, New Jersey, breaking up was is thought to be the largest cockfighting ring in the North East. Betting notebooks, several cocks, and many stacks of cash were taken in as evidence.

“It’s all cool, it’s no big deal. I can understand why a few people got upset with the whole dog fighting thing, but this is nothing like that. I mean, it’s just cocks, it’s not serious,” said Vick as he was taken into custody. ”No cocks got wasted in this house. We’ve had plenty of cocks in and out around here – most of the cocks weren’t harmed, and all of the cocks gave everyone involved a lot of pleasure. Betting on the cocks was just fun amongst some friends.”

“After receiving several tips, we decided to put the Vick estate under surveillance. After several weeks, we decided to make our move today,” said Special Agent Debbie Drake. “We have more than enough evidence, and there’s no doubt in my mind that Vick was the cock ringleader. I can’t believe how many cocks we found here. Personally, I’ve never seen so many cocks. I think Michael Vick must have been holding other men’s cocks here at his house. The ASPA will be taking them in, so there’s no doubt the cocks will be in good hands. Two people we expected to find here today are Peter North and Ron Jeremy, two reported ‘big shots’ in the underground world of cocks. Arrest warrants for them have been issued.”

New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With cigarette prices going up in cities all over the nation, it appears that New York will soon hold the crown once again as the state with the most expensive cigarettes. Cigarettes have been heavily taxed by state and federal regulators, with the cost increasing steadily over the past 20 years, but now New York will be adding an additional tax to them.

The decision was made after congress saw that New Yorkers were still buying cigarettes like crazy, even with their ridiculous prices. A study conducted by the state science board showed that people in New York spend more money on tobacco then they do on food year-over-year.

“Taxing cigarettes is a perfect way for us to earn money for our schools, for our roads, really for whatever we want,” said New York state representative Aaron Silver. “We might just use the money to have a big party at the State House. It doesn’t matter. People need their smokes, and they’ll pay whatever the cost.”

“In the long run, they’re just going to get what they want,” said New York smoker Jared Coff. “I don’t have time to drive into Jersey for my cigarettes, and even if I did the gas would equal the damn savings anyway. I might as well cut my losses and just pay whatever they’re asking. I hear that Camels, which is my brand, could hit $25 or $30 a pack. It’s a Goddamn racket is what it is.”

Currently, the average price of cigarettes nationwide is about $8, so New York’s new tax will essentially triple the cost of a normal pack. Prices in New York City tend to trend slightly higher already, at anywhere from $12-$14 for a pack of many major brands.

“What else can I do, really, except pay it?” said smoker Chris Moke. “I smoke, and the prices are going up. So they double? Whatever. You pay it, you bitch, and you move on. Really, that’s the only option, as far as I can see it. The price of milk has gone up a ton over the years, too, but I ain’t putting water in my cereal, ya know?”

According to a recent street poll, over 90% of New Yorkers say that they are against the new tax, but that they would still pay for their cigarettes. When the idea of just quitting was brought up, and overwhelming 100% said that the thought never crossed their mind.

‘Labyrinth’ Sequel Confirmed For Holiday 2015 Release

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In 1986, a Jim Henson film was released starring David Bowie and a young Jennifer Connelly. The film, about a girl who must best the Goblin King to save her brother by making her way through his complicated maze, was a critical and commercial success, and garnered a huge cult following in the near-30 years since its release.

Fans of the film have something new to look forward to, though. This morning, Jim Henson Productions announced that they were beginning production on the sequel to the film, simply titled Labyrinth 2. The film is set to reunite Connelly and Bowie, who have both already signed on to star in the $70 million dollar fantasy epic.

“It’s going to be so much fun,” says Connelly, now 44. “I was 15 or 16 when we were filming the first movie, and it was just a ton of fun. Of course, being so young, I didn’t pay much attention to David’s crotch, but as I grew up and watched the film again, I don’t know how I ever could have missed it. It’s just – it’s the real centerpiece for the movie, isn’t it?”

Over the years, Bowie’s enormous crotch piece has become fodder for jokes, and an extreme point of interest for girls – and even some men – who love the film.

“Oh, God, yeah – the GBD, we call it. Giant Bowie Dick,” said Marlene Renner, a fan of the original film. “I saw that movie for the first time when I was 19, and hot damn. I was already a Bowie fan, but that movie…well, that movie really turned me into a mega fan. I hope to Hell that he’s got the tight pants in the second one, too.”

The costumes have not begun to be designed for the second film, as production hasn’t started yet, but costume designer Jennie Smith, who was only 13 when the first film was released, said that when she was hired to design the new costumes for Labyrinth 2, it was made perfectly clear that the ‘star’ of the movie needed to be David Bowie’s crotch.

“In the first movie, you had Jennifer Connelly, who was very beautiful. You had all the awesome creatures created by Jim Henson’s production team. The one thing that everyone talks about though, is those tight, white pants that Jareth the Goblin King wears. Judging by the amount of fans that those pants have, you can bet that they’ll be making a resurgence in the next film.”

Labyrinth 2 is set to begin filming in February in England and Scotland, and will be released December 25th, 2015.

New Hampshire Candidate For Governor Says ‘Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote’

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

With the elections over this week throughout the U.S., many people are seeing their favorite candidate, or a hated rival, elected into office. In New Hampshire, though, one man isn’t blaming his loss to Maggie Hassan in the race for Governor on a poor race, or a bad campaign. Independent hopeful Lou Sanus, 73, says that his loss was because of ‘women voters.’

“Susan B. Anthony can suck my old balls,” said Sanus in his concession speech. “If that damn meddling bitch hadn’t stepped out of line back then, then I could have been elected governor today. Of course a woman won – she got all the women voters in her corner! And everyone knows that when a woman wants something, she gets it, or she holds out on the sex, so I’m sure plenty of horny men voted the way their wives told them to, leaving me in the dust!”

Sanus seems to think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, on the sheer fact that a woman could ‘never understand’ the complexities of politics.

“Being governor, hell, being in any office – it’s not easy,” said Sanus during his campaign run. “It’s not just sitting around all day in big, leather office chairs getting pleasured by sweet, young, secretaries like some people think – although I won’t say that’s not a great part of the job, wink wink.”

“Lou Sanus thinks women shouldn’t vote, and that their place is either in the kitchen, or on his micropenis,” said voter Mary Jordan. “He made that so clear throughout his campaign, of course no woman would vote for him. No smart man, either. A vote for Sanus is a vote for sending us back to the dark ages. The man should be put to sleep.”

“That’s the kind of feminazi bullshit I’ve been hearing my entire campaign,” said Sanus in response. “I’m a man’s man, and a hell of a lover. Dark ages? Good Lord, some people…or should I say, some women? I don’t have a micropenis, by the way. That ugly dog wouldn’t know a good lay or a good candidate if I gave her both at the same time. Next year, I’m going to run in Maine. Hell, the only important issue on their ballot was whether or not to let people keep trapping bears – and who even gives a shit about bears?”

Governor Maggie Hassan (D), who received 52% of the vote, had no comment about her competitor, except to say “Who the hell is Lou Sanus?”

Microsoft Founder Bill Gates ‘Comes Out’ As Homosexual

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

At the end of October, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in an interview that he was homosexual, and that he felt that being gay was the ‘greatest gift God had given [him.]’ The acknowledgment made Cook the first CEO of a Fortune 500 company to ever ‘come out’ publicly as homosexual. Not to be outdone by Apple, Microsoft founder and former CEO Bill Gates announced today that he, too, was gay.

“Yes, I’ve been married for many years, and I’ve got a great, loving family,” said Gates. “But in reality, I’m gay. I’m actually extra, super gay. I’m at least twice as gay as Tim, and God gave me this gift first, I just didn’t want to brag about it. Yup – gay gay gay.”

The announcement came as no shock to Gates’ family, who said that over the years he had always been driven to be better than his competitors, no matter what the topic at hand.

“Bill has always wanted to be the best. If he couldn’t be the best, he borrowed from the best, bought out the best, or just stole from the best – and then improved on it,” said wife Melinda Gates. “I think that’s what he’s doing here, with this whole ‘coming out’ thing, and announcing his ‘extra gayness.’ Tim [Cook] is a friend and a colleague in the industry, but Bill can’t let anyone beat him at anything, no matter what. I support him, regardless.”

“Right now, I’m actually discussing options for changing the name of the XBox systems to something else, because ‘box’ is slang for women’s genitalia, and I’m just so gay that I don’t even want to think about that,” said Gates. “Personally, I’m leaning towards calling it the XBoner, but we might just call the console ‘GayPenisGayGayGay.’ I think it will work either way. Marketing and development are working on going over the changes as we speak. Gay!”

Reportedly, Gates is spending several million dollars to have his mansion painted in hues of pink and purple, as well as installing Greek marble statues of naked men throughout the grounds, just to prove how much ‘more homosexual’ he is than Cook.

Flatulent Airline Passenger Forces Emergency Landing

Posted on November 6, 2014 by DvanL

QUEENS, New York –

A Cincinnati, Ohio bound Delta Airlines flight, originating from New York’s LaGuardia Airport, was forced to make an emergency landing this morning, after a ‘violent episode’ occurred moments after takeoff.

The event was officially classified as ‘environmentally hazardous and life threatening’ by an on-board federal air marshal, who filed the following incident report:

A passenger seated near the rear end of the aircraft experienced an intensely violent episode of flatulence as the plane gained altitude. Oxygen masks were deployed and passengers throughout the cabin began to panic. It was determined that the best course of action would be diversion of [the] flight to the nearest airfield for an emergency landing. JFK International was contacted, clearance obtained, and emergency landing took place at 10:42 a.m.

Passenger Mark Theissen, seated behind the offending passenger, provided details.

“The woman in front of me started bouncing up and down right after we took off. I leaned forward and asked her if she was okay, and she said something about ‘her condition.’ The next thing I knew, there was this foul odor and all the masks came down. She turned back to tell me something but her seat snapped back and slammed me in the head. My eyes started burning and I blacked out.”

“People were jumping over their chairs to escape,” said flight attendant Becky Constantine. “My senior attendant went back to make people calm down, but she got stomped in the face! I hid up in the overhead ’til we hit the ground. Delta-Schmelta, I quit!” she said. “I’m going back to my job at Subway where it’s safe.”

The identity of the passenger was determined after the passenger manifest was released to the press. Former showgirl Cyprienne O’Malley, 70, was fingered as the woman responsible for the unfortunate incident.

Doctors call O’Malley’s disorder Gastric Abdominal Systemic Pancolitis (GASP). “GASP makes an already bad situation worse,” says Dr. Paul Hazelton, of New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital. “A sudden change in air pressure causes rapid release, and the path of least resistance is always the anus. The bunghole is Mother Nature’s little whistle-blower.”

“Many people suffer from this disorder, and to hide it is to deny it. I attend a support group called ‘Silence Is Deadly.’ It’s a place where we can all come together and air out our grievances,” said O’Malley. “This whole thing really blew up in my face. If I could take it all back, I would. Next month I’m going to attend the GASP National Convention in Pottstown, but I’m going to take the train.”

No charges were filed against O’Malley, but the airline is asking that she compensates them for damages, and donates an undisclosed amount toward the injured flight attendant’s hospital bills.

Amtrak officials have been notified of O’Malley’s upcoming travel plans.

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now – you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.