Retiree Demands Refund From National Park Service When ‘Old Faithful’ Fails To Erupt On Schedule

Posted on August 9, 2014 by DvanL

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyoming –

Gerald Fogarty waited his entire life to see “Old Faithful,” the world-famous geyser attraction that brings visitors from around the globe to Yellowstone National Park.

The geothermal wonder erupts with a blast of steam and water at more or less regular intervals, delighting over three million spectators each year. “I finally decided to be a part of it,” said Fogarty, 68. “I meant to get here all through the years, but one thing or another kept me from coming and I never did find the time.”

The now-retired warehouse manager is taking full advantage of his new schedule by doing the things he’s always wanted to do, exactly when he wants to do them. “I lived in Baltimore all my life, so Yellowstone was far away and a big trip on my salary,” explained Fogarty. “I couldn’t just pick up and go anytime I felt like it, but I saved up my money and looked forward to this for a long time. To go there in person – that was a goal I wanted to get to.”

Fogarty rented a car and decided to make the trip a cross-country adventure. “I saw some sights, yes I did, and I stayed in a Motel 6 and ate some different food and wanted ‘Old Faithful’ to be the icing on the cake at the end,” recalled the retiree. “I heard these stories about the geyser going off every hour on the hour, so I got there and I waited. I stayed there for an hour and ten minutes and nothing happened,” said Fogarty. “So I walked back to my car and went to find the head office to ask for a refund.”

The myth that “Old Faithful” erupts “every hour on the hour” is just that — a legend told over the years, when in actuality, the intervals between geyser eruptions can be as short as 35 minutes, or as long as 2 hours. When informed of this by Park personnel, Fogarty replied, “I’m on a schedule and I don’t have time to waste anymore. They never talked about a time interval or whatever fancy thing they call it. I got out of there before they started blaming everything on that global warming nonsense. What’s so faithful about that? It’s bad faith, is what it is!” said Fogarty, storming off in a huff.

The Park declined to comment on whether they refunded Fogarty’s entry fee, but released a statement, which read in part:

Yellowstone National Park offers the opportunity for millions to enjoy the Earth’s natural wonders. We strive to provide the most enjoyable experience for our visitors. Mr. Fogarty is welcome to return to the Park at anytime, and we sincerely hope he extends the duration of his next visit with us.

A previous trip to Niagara Falls, including a boat tour on the “Maid Of The Mist” also proved disappointing for Fogarty. “Too wet,” he explained. “Even with the rain poncho, I just got too damn wet.”

Government Food Stamp Program To Be Discontinued Effective June 2015

Posted on August 8, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), formerly known as the Food Stamp program, will come to an end June 15, 2015, according to Department of Agriculture executive Thomas J. Vilsack.

“SNAP benefits cost $76.4 billion in fiscal year 2013. A large portion of which went to abusers of the program. In an attempt to save the program for those who truly need it, we reduced the amount per household paid out in 2014. That did not do us much good, either,” said Vilsack in a brief press conference on Friday morning.

The $76 billion dollars spent on SNAP supplied about 47.6 million Americans assistance, for an average of $133 per month, half of which Vilsack says actually needed it.

“A great portion of those 47 million people who received SNAP benefits have jobs that fly in under the radar, they get paid cash under the table, and obviously do not pay taxes. They are abusing the program,” said Vilsack. “This has painted us into a corner, we knew it was going on, we just didn’t realize the dramatic extent of abuse. We feel absolutely defeated. Now the families who need it and deserve it will go without. That is a tragedy. However the money is gone, the White House will not supply us further assistance. If you want to eat, you’ll have to go to work.”

The announcement has infuriated those who depend on assistance, such as Mary Parker of Washington, D.C., who was nearly brought to tears when asked her opinion. “It’s a damn shame our government can’t step up for us and pay for our food. I got five children that depend on it. I don’t know what I’m gonna do now. I guess I’ll actually have to get a job.”

There are also those who agree with the decision, like Jim Conrad of Jersey City, New Jersey. “It’s about time. People like me work their entire lives, pay taxes, and even when we could have used help, we never asked for help, we learned how to take care of our own, on our own. You got people illegally moving into the country, working under the table, taking over the construction trade, they get paid cash and they get food stamps? It has to stop. It is about damn time we stop letting people, especially foreign and lazy people, abuse the system. Make them fend for themselves!”

President Obama, who worked with the Department of Agriculture in shutting down the program, said that the time has come for Americans to make their own way, and that the current system was obviously too broken to repair.

“It’s unclear how we can help families in need in the future because of those people who abused the current SNAP program,” said President Obama. “Sadly, we can’t do anything further for the actual needy at the moment. We simply asked that people be honest out of American pride, and our people have failed us. It is, to say the least, very disheartening.”

Officials for the Department of Agriculture had no further comment.

Woman Arrested For Breastfeeding At Wal-Mart

Posted on August 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LYNCHBURG, Virginia –

A mother who was breastfeeding her newborn daughter in a Lynchburg Wal-Mart was arrested on Wednesday evening after a store employee called the police for what they said was ‘lewd behavior.’ Mary Lambert, whose daughter, Kathy, is 5 months old, was shopping in her local Wal-Mart store when her baby began ‘fussing,’ and needed to be fed.

“I knew as soon as she started squirming that it was dinnertime,” said Lambert. “I was in a relatively secluded part of the back of the store, near the Lawn & Garden section, and I began to feed Kathy. She only needed a minute or two, then she was done, and I went along my way. I didn’t even know anyone had seen me.”

According to police reports, no one had seen her, at least not from within the aisles. A security guard, Aaron Silver, was monitoring the activities throughout the store from within the location’s security room, saw Lambert feeding and immediately called the police.

“She was basically getting naked in public. I could almost seen her nipple for a second. It’s disgusting,” said Silver. “I called the police because I wanted to have her removed from the store for her behavior.”

By the time police arrived at the store, Lambert had already finished her purchases and left. Tracing credit card receipts, they were able to determine her name, and from there they tracked Lambert to her home in downtown Lynchburg.

“I couldn’t believe when they showed up at my door,” said Lambert. “They handcuffed me and they took my baby into custody for the night, because her Dad was working a swing shift and wasn’t home. All the neighbors saw me getting put into the police car. It was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me in my life.”

Lambert now has a misdemeanor charge on her record for public indecency, the first time in the state’s history that they’ve prosecuted a mother for breastfeeding her baby.

“Normally, we let things like this slide,” said state District Attorney Felisia Lewis. “We have laws that protect mothers from prosecution for situations exactly like this. We all have nipples, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. But in some cases, one rotten apple can spoil the bunch, as it were, and this security guard was offended enough that he personally pressed charges against Mrs. Lambert.”

“I have every right to be completely offended. As a God-fearing person, I don’t think it’s right that anyone, man or woman, expose themselves in public for any reason. It’s just disgusting,” said Silver.

Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

Posted on August 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A Maine resident, 34-year-old Charles DeMar, has discovered a loophole in his state’s gay marriage laws that have allowed him to legally wed his 2-year-old German Shepherd mix, Jake. DeMar bought Jake from a shelter a little over a year ago, and he says that they have been inseparable ever since.

“I love Jake more than I have ever loved anyone in the world,” said DeMar, a retail manager for a large big-box chain. “I’m not homosexual, myself. I’ve never really been attracted to any man or woman that I’ve known. When I adopted Jake, I was lonely. I haven’t been lonely since.”

According to the wording of laws in most states where gay marriage has been legalized, a man or woman may marry someone of the same sex, and be granted the same rights and privileges as that of heterosexual couples. The laws in Maine, which voted to legalize same-sex marriages in 2012, are worded slightly differently, allowing DeMar to legally wed his canine pal.

“In Maine, we made the mistake of saying that any male can marry another male, or female can marry female, and be granted the rights of marriage,” said David Klein, a representative for the Maine State Bar Association. “Because it does not say man and man, but rather male and male, Mr. DeMar was able to apply for and receive his marriage license at his local town hall.”

Normally, laws would also be worded to include statements about both parties being mentally fit and able to sign the marriage certificate, which is a legally binding document.

“That wasn’t the case in Maine, either,” said DeMar. “I really looked into a lot before we went through with this. I signed my name, and Jake really did put his paw into some ink and I had him step on the certificate. I think he knows that we’re married. He gave me sloppy kisses right there at the town hall in front of the notary public.”

Officials for the Maine State Attorney General say that they are working with the local and state government agencies to re-word the law as quickly as possible, before anyone else uses the loophole to wed their pets.

“This was an oversight on our part that is bringing us disturbing attention,” said Klein. “You can bet that the laws will be rescinded and changed as quickly as possible.”

“I’m just so happy that I was able to make this happen,” said DeMar. “Unfortunately, Maine state law is extremely strict on the acts of bestiality, so I refuse to elaborate on whether or not we have consummated our relationship. I will say, though, that neither myself or Jake have ever been ones to ‘follow the rules,’ if you know what I mean.”

Shark Week: Discovery Channel Announces 2014 Will Be The Last; PETA Says ‘It’s About Time’

Posted on August 7, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SILVER SPRING, Maryland –

President and CEO of Discovery Communications Inc., David M. Zaslav, announced today that the upcoming season of ‘Shark Week’, its 28th, will be the series finale. The once-a-year series started on July 17, 1987, and has developed a very unique cult following. Zaslav, in an early morning press conference said that more and more people, obsessed with the annual week-long event, are going out on their own and trying to make contact with sharks, which has led to more frequent shark attacks.

“We actually feel that we have created this manifestation of desire for human beings to want to go out and swim with sharks, which people are doing more and more, and we feel responsible,” Zaslav stated. “Shark Week has run its course, it has reached the point where people are actually trying to go out and make contact with these incredible, yet extremely dangerous fish, which obviously, they have no business doing.”

The number of provoked shark attacks has greatly increased in the last three years according to the International Shark Attack Committee. “The last few years people have gone out, without professional supervision, and have attempted to swim with the untamed beasts which, on several occasions, has led to what we label as a ‘provoked attack,'” said IPSA chairman Paul Hart.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has applied a gauntlet of pressure to executives at the Discovery Channel over the years to bring an end to the show. Founder Alex Pacheco has publicly stated on several occasions that the Discovery is ‘endangering sharks while making them more defensive and violent.’

“What they are doing is putting not only stupid, uninformed people at risk, but more importantly, they are putting these beautiful creatures in danger at the hands of man. They are totally promoting human interaction with sharks. This has got to stop!” Pacheco said earlier this year at a PETA convention in Mobile, Alabama.

Many PETA members believe that Pacheco is the mastermind behind Discovery waving the white flag of surrender.

“It is time for the world to stop acting macho and start listening to us, we know what we are talking about, everyone else, especially in this country, are ignorant with animals,” Longtime PETA fundraising coordinator Jennifer Bangs said. “It starts with them killing and eating innocent, loving pigs and cows, and now they’re trying to swim with sharks. They’re just going to kill and eat them, too! It is sickening. Discovery needs to be stopped. They glorify the killing of millions of crab in their idiotic show Deadliest Catch, and killing bears and moose in other shows. Finally it seems that Discovery is bowing down to PETA. The downfall of the network has begun.”

Zaslav was asked whether PETA had anything to do with the upcoming season of Shark Week being its last, he said, “Absolutely not. Those people are just on some mission to be against the world and just want to complain. We do not condone the useless harming of fish and animals, so I don’t have any idea why they would even begin to believe they deserve a voice in the matter. The organization is absolutely laughable, they need to be exposed for what the are, but that is a show we will have to be broadcast another day.” Zaslav then laughed along with the press corp, adding, “Seriously, we have plans to document and expose PETA for the joke that they are.”

The twenty-eighth and final installment of ‘Shark Week’ premiers on the Discovery Channel on Sunday, August 10th.

President Obama Launches ‘Gas For Guns’ Exchange Program; Announcement Strikes Controversy

Posted on August 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced this morning that President Obama will be launching a campaign similar to gun-buyback events of the past. The program, named ‘Gas For Guns,’ offers gun owners the opportunity to exchange their weapons, with or without legal documentation, for a $500 gas card.

“A date has not been set but it will more than likely take place in early January, just after the holidays, when American families need a little more assistance with living expenses than normal. The event will last two weeks. It will be a really good avenue to help those in need while at the same time getting dangerous weapons off the streets,” said Earnest.

The exchange program, part of a master plan by President Obama to get rid of guns in the U.S., will give gun owners the opportunity to go to local police stations, firehouses, and in some cities “mobile exchange units” to bring in their weapons. Volunteer gun experts will be on-hand to appraise the firearms, although the gas cards will be valued at $500 regardless of make, model, style, or appraised value of the firearm. Even guns without proper documentation can be turned in.

“No questions will be asked, but we ask those that do have legal documentation to please bring it with your firearm. Those that do not will only be asked for their drivers licenses’ or state identification cards, which will then be copied. This process is simply for keeping track of the gift cards that are exchanged. The participant will then be given the $500 gas gift card, regardless of the appraised value, to be used at a local participating gas company. What is important is that we get guns off the streets and help those in need at the same time,” Earnest announced.

Guns which are handed over will be taken to a licensed gun manufacturing facility, which will be paid an undisclosed amount by the government per weapon, and will be disassembled and discarded accordingly under ATF supervision while being fully monitored. Officials have said that many of the weapons, especially those with little to no value or that are in non-working order, will be melted down for their metals.

As gun control is a very controversial issue, announcement of the program has divided opposition even further. Gun advocate and Washington D.C. native Tom Gillispie told reporters after catching wind of the announcement, “This is absolutely ridiculous, they want just anybody to walk , pull out a gun, then trade it in for a $500 gas card? No matter if the gun is worth $50 or not? So a criminal with bad intentions can bring in a gun worth $100, get a $500 gas card, then trade the gas card for $450 cash then go buy an even more dangerous gun? This is the asinine apocalypse. This is exactly why our country is in a downward spiral. We will go further into debt and the bad guys will still have guns in the end, while those needing guns for protection will not. This is absurd. It is times like this I am embarrassed to be an American.”

Tourist Mary Carcepizzi, from Trenton, New Jersey had quite a different take on the matter. “I think it is an excellent idea. That $500 may save a life in the future, and I am absolutely positive that will be the case for several of the guns turned in. They will be destroyed, as all guns should be, and for each one destroyed, that is one less unnecessary weapon we will have to worry about falling into the wrong hands. Obama is making the right call and I stand behind the program 100%.”

The official starting date and a list of participating gas companies and other details will be announced in late December.

Illinois Nursing Home Contends With Shocking Elder Abuse Scandal

Posted on August 5, 2014 by DvanL

ST. CHARLES, Illinois –

From the outside, Grouse Lane Manor looks like every other modest development along the Fox River Valley. Located one hour west of Chicago, the ranch style residence appears tranquil and inviting. But beyond the gently sloping front lawn, easy-open doors and slip-resistant entry ramp, another scene was unfolding.

“Oh, it was a nightmare!” said current Activities Director Verna Andersen. “We had a group of ringleaders who took over and turned things upside down. They were nothing but a gang of senior thugs. It was elder abuse, alright. Abuse by the elders themselves!”

Janitor Henry Puce added, “The things I saw I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! I had to replace all my broom handles and mops.”

Andersen recalls that the trouble began when 84 year-old resident Joseph “Big C” Carlstadt began complaining about things.

“First it was desserts he didn’t like. Next he said he wasn’t getting a fair shake about choosing television shows,” said Andersen. “Then he thought the front lawn was his front lawn. He started yelling at everyone to get off of it. Things went downhill fast.”

‘Big C’ managed to persuade a number of residents to stage a revolt. “He was tricky, that guy,” recalls janitor Puce. “He got some of the good ones to go bad and once that got started, we didn’t stand a chance. We were outnumbered.”

Puce revealed several bruises on his arms and legs, injuries received while he was the brunt of the residents’ rage.

“One lady, Mrs. Talley, she spread some pills down right outside my utility closet, and when I went to sweep them up, she hit me with her walking stick until I promised to mop the floors ‘til she said they was clean enough to eat off of. I never could get them clean enough for her, and she kept on hitting me with that stick…Then she made me eat off of the floor anyway.”

The emergency alert system and all phones were hacked by retired electronics technician Gene Sampson. “We were trapped,” said Andersen. “The worst of it was one day when I was setting up our social night, which we called ‘Carbon Dating.’ While I was distracted, all the emergency buttons were rewired and the phones were too.”

Order was restored after Puce was able to crawl through a heating and ventilation duct and break through a wall. “I ran for my life to the nearest house and finally got ahold of the police. I’m just lucky to be alive,” he said. “And extremely thankful.”

An Illinois Department of Health investigation is ongoing. Residents who participated in the abuse have been separated and moved to other facilities.

‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ Breaks Box Office Records, Studio Announces Unprecedented 8 Sequels

Posted on August 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The new film Guardians of the Galaxy, based on a Marvel comic book about a group of rag-tag space-traveling misfits who join together to save the world, has broken numerous box office records since its release to theaters this past Friday, making it one of the highest-grossing films of all time, as well as one of the highest-grossing comic book films ever released. Executives for Marvel Studios, amazed at the film’s success, have already green-lit 8 sequels to the movie.

“We knew the movie would be a big summer hit with families, but we didn’t know that it was going to be this massive,” said Peter Dey, an executive at Marvel Studios. “No one even knew this comic book existed before we started releasing trailers for the movie. This proves how great marketing can really pack the butts in the seats.”

Even with its PG-13 rating for action, violence, and some crude-humor, theaters across the country were packed with children of all ages, many of whom were excited to see the film, despite not having ever read the comics.

“The previews looked good and funny,” said Brad Quill, age 9, who was seeing the movie in Los Angeles with his father. “I’ve never looked at the comics before. I am an Avengers fan more than anything. But this will do until we get another one of those movies.”

Despite not yet making back the $170 million dollars the film was budgeted, executives have already announced several sequels, and have been working with agents for all of the stars from the first film to get them to sign on for the next 8 films.

“We really want to make this a massive franchise. More movies, clothing, figures – you name it,” said Dey. “We need everyone to come back for the next movies, and we’re paying big money for them to do so.”

Insiders report that the studio is looking on spending almost $600 million dollars on the next film alone, with a reported $3 billion to be spent over the series as a whole.

The reviews for the film are almost universally amazing, another feat that is hard to pull off in this day-and-age, especially by a comic book film that doesn’t feature a main cast member that died before the film was released.

“Remember how bad X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Man of Steel were?” asked Dey. “This film is as good as those movies were bad. It will make you forget all about that atrocity of a Transformers movie you saw earlier this summer, that’s for sure.”

Marvel has said that the next GOTG film will be released in 2016, with another film following every 2 years after. The final film in the series will be released in July, 2030. Director James Gunn, known for absolutely nothing else before this major blockbuster of a film, has already signed on to continue with the series until it has ended.

New Texas Law Makes Homosexuality Illegal

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

HOUSTON, Texas –

Shocking news coming out of Texas today after a law has been passed making it illegal to be a homosexual throughout the state. The law was passed on Friday and took effect Monday morning.

The law first began to form after a local Houston police officer saw his 7-year-old son kiss a fellow male friend on the mouth while playing in their backyard. When asked why he kissed the other boy he replied, that he had “seen it on TV.”

“I certainly punished him after I saw that,” said the officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “No more TV, and you can bet your ass he got the belt. I’ll smack the gay right outta that boy.”

Outraged by the event in his backyard, the officer took to the court rooms knocking down door-after-door until eventually getting into the right ears and helping to get the law passed.

“Homosexuality is an outrage,” said the officer. “Television gets into our the heads of our children, and it isn’t fair. I had to make sure that I stopped it in its tracks. I don’t blame TV, I blame this country and its flagrant homosexuality. Everywhere you look there are gays touching and kissing and holding hands. Rather than educating my son or letting him be who he wants to be, I had to make the hard decision and make sure he turns out straight. Either he does, or he’ll end up behind bars.”

Many establishments, such as The Rusty Hammer and The Texas Wiener, two of Dallas’ biggest gay bars, are also being forced to have a change of theme, or the state will be looking at shutting them down.

Representatives from the state government have yet to comment publicly on the new law, but they do claim that it was something many Texans had been hoping would happen for ages.

“It’s about time these homos were stopped from being able to touch each other,” said Milton Charles, a resident of Austin. “We don’t need the gays out there, threatening our way of life, and teaching our children it’s okay to be gay. Sodomy is disgusting. I can’t imagine how anyone would want that.”

After being informed that the definition of sodomy actually included any form of “unnatural,” sex, and that technically that would also include any oral sex he received from his wife, he commented further on what he says is “truly disturbing” sexual acts.

“Well clearly I meant the gay-sodomoy when I said that,” said Charles. “What I do in the privacy of my house ain’t nobody’s business. But the gays, they shouldn’t be doing that s—.”

Several men have been arrested since the law was enacted this morning, but so far no women have been brought in on charges.

Office ‘Pencil Pusher’ Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

Posted on August 4, 2014 by DvanL

DAYTON, Ohio –

Rocco Faber, a 30-year employee of Drake Business Systems, redefined the conventional image of the mild-mannered office drone, after injuring co-worker Flip McKenzie during a spontaneous attack last week.

“He created tension for me at my expense,” said Faber. “So I stabbed him in the neck.” Faber, speaking from a suburban Dayton anger management facility continued, “I could hear him on the other side of my cube, drumming his fingers on the table, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he made too many personal calls and I could hear them. So I stabbed him in the neck.”

Increasingly common occurrences of workplace violence have dominated headlines, reflecting one of the bleaker elements of America’s present-day employment landscape. The usual scenario includes an employee’s termination, issues of underlying anger, and the use of a weapon – usually and most violently, a firearm.

“I’m against guns and won’t have any in my house or anywhere near me,” said Faber, “but I got so angry that day and I did use my pencil as a weapon. It was a bad mistake and I wish I could erase it, but I can’t. It’s a permanent blot on my record.”

Office manager Helen Brown was stunned upon hearing of the unexpected behavior from one of the company’s most consistent employees. “He’s been here longer than I have,” commented Brown. “I remember him when I first started. I sat across from him and he was quiet. I moved up the ladder pretty quickly, and I didn’t get to know him too well. Some of the old-timers over in HR were pretty upset.”

In exchange for prison time, a deal was negotiated between prosecutors and Faber’s victim. “At the end of the day I wasn’t really hurt that bad.” said McKenzie. “It was more of a scuffle, so I didn’t press charges, you know? I mean the pencil was pretty dull and it just left a little mark right here on the side of my neck. He really didn’t have a strong grip.”

Faber will participate in group therapy sessions, where proper coping mechanisms are stressed. Anger management techniques are demonstrated by role-playing, with constructive criticism making up a large part of treatment.

“They were going to offer me some job training,” Faber said, “but I kept telling them I already have a career, so I asked them if I could continue doing it. They gave me a job here as the accountant for the group home, and so far, so good. I manage all the expenses and budgets, so it keeps me busy and not thinking about stabbing anyone in the neck. I’m just lucky. One of the guys here makes a lot of jokes, and he said that they gave me another stab at it. That was a pretty good one and everybody in the room laughed. He’s a pretty good guy,” said Faber, “but sometimes he tells too many jokes when we’re trying get work done. We all have a good time though. My favorite part is when we get to do the role playing, when we get to act out.”