Derek Jeter Cancels Retirement, Signs 3-Year Contract With Boston Red Sox

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The franchise player Derek Jeter is sure to disappoint every New York Yankee fan in the world after deciding not to retire after this baseball season. One of their star players for years, Jeter has signed a multi-year deal with Yankees rival the Boston Red Sox.

According to sources, Boston has been eyeing the possibility of picking up Jeter since he announced he would retire after this year, his 20th season in the MLB. Reportedly, the deal will make him an additional $25 million a year for the 3 years of his contract.

Reports have confirmed that Jeter and his agents have agreed to the terms of the contract, and Jeter is signing on the dotted line Wednesday evening.

Rumors swirled across the league that the Red Sox sent Jeter an offer during the all-star break, but insiders say they didn’t believe that Jeter would be interested. After 20 years in baseball, the game has taken its toll on Jeter, and he reportedly was looking forward to giving up the game. Once Jeter’s lawyers got their hands on the contract, they persuaded him to take the deal.

“It was great to have Derek on the team and he has done a lot for this organization and will always be remembered for what he has down for this team,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “I don’t know his exact future after this season, but he will not be playing in a Yankee uniform and never will again.”

Fans of both New York and Boston are vehemently against the signing. New York fans consider Jeter a traitor for signing with their biggest rival; Boston fans want nothing to do with the ‘face of the Yankees’ playing for their beloved team.

“The guy is a first-rate jerkoff,” said Burt O’Reilly, a Boston resident and a lifelong fan of the Red Sox. “He comes to our team, takes a wicked huge load of money, and he probably won’t do a damn thing for us. Screw Jeter. We don’t need him playing in Fenway.”

Players across the league have taken to social media to comment on the deal, with tweets being been made by several Yankees players, saying things like “Jeter made an A-Rod Move” and “Years of history will be ruined with one signature.”

So far, Jeter has not commented publicly on his deal. A request for comments from Jeter’s management team was not immediately returned.

Woman Sues Movie Theatre After 12-Year-Old Son Is Admitted To PG-13 Film

Posted on July 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A mother in Tulsa, Oklahoma is suing the local movie theatre after her 12-year-old son was allowed to purchase a ticket to a PG-13 film without her consent. Mary Lambert, whose son Joe is only 12, says that she dropped her son off at the movie theatre to see the PG-rated film Minions with his friends, but instead they went to see the PG-13 rated film Pixels.

“My son knows that he is not allowed to watch those adult films until next year, and don’t you worry, he’s being punished at home, for sure,” said Lambert. “But someone has to be to blame for letting him into that movie, and that fault lies on the movie theatre itself. These ratings were put into law for a reason, and they’ve broken that law. They are going to pay for the warped mind my son will now have after seeing such adult content.”

“The movie ratings system is not a law, and this woman has no case whatsoever,” said Joe Goldsmith, owner of the Magic Lantern Cinema in Tulsa. “The MPAA, the group that gives these films their ratings, they only created this system to keep people, namely parents, informed about the content. They are not passed into law. Anyone can come in and buy a ticket to see any movie they’d like whenever they like. Our theatre, as well as most, do try and not allow children under 17 into R-rated movies, but that is a policy of our theatre, not a law. Even if the film was NC-17, that’s not law, that’s just a thought.”

Goldsmith is correct in his description of how the ratings system works, but Lambert is not alone in assuming that the MPAA ratings system – G for General Audiences, PG for Parental Guidance Suggest, PG-13 for Parents Strongly Cautioned (May Contain Content Inappropriate for Children Under 13), R for Restricted (Must be 17 or Have A Parent With You in the Theatre) and NC-17 for No Children 17 or Under Allowed – are laws that the movie theatres must follow. Over 85% of movie theatres, both independent and chain-cinemas, follow the rules of not allowing children under 17 to R-rated films, but that’s pretty much the only area the rules are enforced.

“We don’t play NC-17 films, like most movie theatres,” said Goldsmith. “If we did ever play one, we would not let anyone under 18 into that, either. Again, though – not because it’s a law, but because we feel that’s the right thing to do for the parents of this community.”

Lambert has said that she will take the case to the supreme court if necessary, and force them to uphold the MPAA ratings.

“Why make these ratings if you’re not going to enforce what they stand for?” said Lambert. “Why should I have to monitor what my kid watches? Do I actually need to get out of the car, stand in line with him, buy the ticket, and hold his hand all the way into the theatre? My God, next they’ll suggest I actually just watch a movie with him. Obviously these people have no idea that parents just don’t have time to pay that much attention to their kids. I should just expect them to monitor his films for me. He’s 12 – he is not allowed to see PG-13 films. End of story.”

Lambert has brought her case to a local attorney who will be filing the suit against the Magic Lantern at the end of the week.

FOX Broadcasting Company To Launch New Free Adult TV Channel ‘FXXX’

Posted on July 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Fox Broadcasting Company, the driving force behind over-air network FOX, and cable channels FOX HD, FX, and FXX, have announced the first adult TV channel to be broadcast free both as part of a regular cable subscription or streamed online. The new channel, FXXX, will feature hardcore pornographic adult films, as well as short movies and even amateur user-submitted content.

Normally, adult films are broadcast through cable or satellite providers solely as subscription channels, such as the Playboy or Hustler channel, or as on-demand features. FXXX plans to be the first channel to be included, at no extra cost, with every cable content provider in the United States.

“All of the FOX networks, whether they be over-air or pay-cable channels, have always pushed the envelope when it comes to content,” said Dana Walden, Co-Chairman of Fox Broadcasting. “With the launch of FXXX, we can’t push the envelope much further. If FX’s slogan was ‘There Is No Box,’ then FXXX’s slogan is ‘There Are Tons Of Boxes.’ This is going to be hardcore, in-your-face pornography. It will be what the Hustler channel wishes it could be, and it will make the Playboy Channel look like PBS.”

Walden went on to say that the network will also feature online streaming at no additional cost, and that funding for the channel – which will premiere ad-free – will be paid for by specific product placements throughout the films.

“Maybe Harry Longdick wears a Trojan brand condom in one scene, and maybe Tiffani Juggs gets thirsty and reaches for an ice-cold Pepsi in another,” said Walden. “There are plenty of opportunities for product placement in the adult film industry. Hell, we might even be able to get more creative with that Pepsi bottle, now that I’m thinking about it.”

Despite what most people think, there is nothing stopping any channel from showing any content they wish on their cable channels. The FCC, the agency in charge of “policing” the airwaves, does not actually monitor cable or pay channels.

“In fact, we don’t even really monitor over-air channels,” said a representative of the FCC who spoke to us anonymously. “Basically, if someone calls in and complains about something they saw on TV, then we assume that there are at least 1,000 other people who didn’t take the time to call. So if we get, say, 100 calls that Janet Jackson’s breast popped out at the Super Bowl, well then that must be 100,000 people who were offended! That’s how things work at the FCC.”

The FCC doesn’t at all monitor cable channels, but seldom do viewers see any excessive violence, language, or sex aired prior to 10PM.

“The networks like to police themselves. We can show whatever the hell we want, but we don’t want to alienate people,” said Walden. “FXXX will throw that entire concept right out the window, because we’re going to be showing people banging it out all day, every day. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to watch. If your kids watch it, well – they had to learn about reverse cowgirls and rusty trombones someday, right?”

FXXX will launch on all major providers, including Comcast, DirecTV, Dish Network, and Time Warner Cable starting in October.

Formula 1 Racer Decapitated After Violent Crash Flips Car

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOCKENHEIM, Germany –

Prominent Formula 1 racer Felipe Massa was killed in a crash during the German Grand Prix yesterday when his car became inverted in a horrific crash on the first corner almost immediately after the race began. He was killed instantly during the crash, the extremely poor design of the stock car causing his decapitation.

“It is with a heavy heart that we announce the passing of Felipe Massa in a crash during the Prix yesterday,” said Formula 1 representative Frederic Duerst. “Mr. Massa was a phenomenal driver who unfortunately perished competing in a sport that he loved, that he lived for. We pass our deepest sympathies on to his family, friends, and the rest of his team at Williams Engineering.”

Massa, who had grown up racing go-karts from the age of 8, became a world-class racer in his late teens, winning the European Grand Prix championship title when he was 19. He quickly worked his way up the ranks of racing, it finally being announced that he would join the Williams team alongside world-famous racer Valtteri Bottas.

The race, which was postponed for only a few hours following Massa’s death so his body could be moved and car towed away, was overshadowed by the horrific event. Teammate Bottas, who finished second in the race, was hoping for a victory.

“Felipe was one of the best drivers I’d ever seen, and he was a wonderful teammate and friend,” said Bottas. “He joined us in November of last year, and had a great future ahead of him in this sport. It’s a sad day for us, and a sad day for racing fans everywhere. That being said, though, I kicked some a– out there, huh? Second place? I’ll take it.”

Fans in the stands were both saddened and excited by the crash.

“Everyone comes to these races to see a good crash,” said Hans Uhl, a fan who follows the Mercedes team. “This crash was one of the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. Yes, a man was killed, but it was so cool to see [the car] flying through the air.”

Williams Engineering has said that they have plans to look over the entire vehicle to ensure it was not mechanical malfunction that caused the crash.

“We think it was just a bad day on the track,” said Williams Engineering spokesman David Black. “Formula 1 racing is a dangerous sport. They race in the worst-designed cars I’ve ever seen. Open tops, little restraints. Oh, and the helmets? My God, what’s the point? I’m surprised people aren’t dying out there every race.”

Massa will be interred at his home in São Paulo, Brazil. He was 33 years old.

Jim Parsons Quits ‘The Big Bang Theory’ After On-Set Fight

Posted on July 20, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

PASADENA, California –

It looks as though of the most beloved characters on television today, Sheldon Cooper, won’t be returning to The Big Bang Theory for its 8th season, after actor Jim Parsons has walked-off set and quit the show because of an on-set fight with co-star Johnny Galecki.

According to sources on the show, which has been in the process of filming since June, tensions behind the scenes have been extremely high. Last year the show was nearly cancelled after several members of the main cast demanded massive pay raises, forcing producer and creator Chuck Lorre to choose between keeping his show on the air or letting it taper off.

“We had contracted everyone involved for season one, and then it took off, and immediately signed everyone on for 5 more seasons,” said Lorre. “After season 6, which everyone did for the same amount of money, I think the monotony of playing the same stupid characters for so long, for over 150 episodes, was really getting to everyone, Parsons especially. So they all asked for a pay raise. They got it going into season 7, but this time around, for the season we’re filming, the cast, or rather their agents, really wanted more than they deserved.”

CBS, the parent company who releases the show, relented and gave in to the demands of the stars, but it hasn’t been enough to keep a peace on set. Crew members report that there have been many fights over contracts and money behind-the-scenes, namely between stars Parsons and Galecki.

“I don’t really care that [Parsons] is gone. We can do a whole hell of a lot better with someone else, anyway,” said Galecki, who plays Leonard Hofstadter on the show. “Last season ended with [Parsons’ character] Sheldon running away because Leonard was moving out of the apartment. He was supposed to come back, obviously, and we shot a few scenes with him back, but now, the hell with it, they’re just going to write him out permanently.”

Writers and producers have been scrambling to come up with material for the currently-filming season, as well as a way to introduce a new character.

“We don’t know for sure what Jim [Parsons] is planning. We’re working that out right now,” said Lorre. “In the mean time, we do have interest from several actors to join the cast, including Michael Cera and Topher Grace, either of which would be a fantastic addition to the show.”

Parsons himself has yet to comment publicly on his departure. His agent released a statement saying that “certain aspects of [Parsons’] contract were not being met, and that he was within his rights to walk off set.”

CBS Films, the company who produces Big Bang, had no comment on their plans for a cast change, or whether or not they felt that Parsons would return.

Bodies Of Over 300 Babies Found In Arizona Landfill

Posted on July 19, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GREASEWOOD, Arizona –

The small town of Greasewood in northeastern Arizona has been shaken to its core this morning, after news broke that a local planned parenthood facility had been illegally dumping late-term aborted fetuses in the city’s landfill, which borders the clinic property.

Police were called to the Dayglo Planned Parenthood Clinic after workers on a nearby construction site saw clinic workers bringing small, plastic bags out into the yard several times a day and burying them in the trash and dirt.

“At first we thought it was just their regular trash,” said Aaron Shaw, an employee of Marshall Construction, the company working on the building next to Dayglo. “After awhile, we realized that almost every time a girl went in the front door, a small plastic package came out the back. It didn’t take much after that to put the pieces together.”

Medical examiners and police officials have been exhuming the remains of what has already been calculated is at least 300 babies since early this morning, and estimates are that there may be as many as 500 bodies buried in the landfill.

“This is truly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force,” said José Orfebre, captain of the Greasewood Police Department. “I came here with my family when I was just a little boy, and I thought I’d seen the last of this kind of sickness when I left Mexico. It’s really just disgusting what these people have done.”

Arizona has laws preventing late-term, third-trimester abortions, but as is the case in many other states, there are unscrupulous doctors who will knowingly endanger their patients for the right amount of money. Greasewood is a small town, with a population of only about 600 people. Investigators have determined that women and girls from the surrounding towns were going to Dayglo after word spread that they would perform the abortions, no questions asked, for $300 cash.

“I was just performing a necessary service for these women,” said Dr. Michael Smith. “I had a girl come to me several years ago who had tried to literally perform an abortion on herself with a coat hanger. She was lucky that she didn’t injure herself worse than she had. At that point, I knew that I had to do something for the girls of Arizona.”

policebabies2 — The search continued Saturday afternoon through the Greasewood, AZ landfill for more remains of babies aborted at the Dayglo Clinic

Police arrested Dr. Smith and three other people from the Dayglo clinic, including two nurses and a receptionist. All four people are considered to have had first-hand knowledge of the illegal procedures being performed.

Authorities believe, based on the decomposition of several of the bodies pulled from that landfill, that Dr. Smith had been performing abortions illegally at his clinic for at least 6 years. He is being charged with medical malpractice and felonious abortion.

‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks Murdered Within Hours of Release, Police Question Wife As Suspect

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Angela Baker

STOCKTON, California –

Within hours of his release from prison Tuesday morning, internet sensation and ‘sexy felon’ Jeremy Meeks was found dead, according to Stockton Police reports.

Police say that they received a call around 1AM Wednesday morning from an anonymous source who said they thought they saw a body in an alleyway in Stockton. When they arrived on the scene, police found Meeks barely alive, suffering from multiple contusions and stab wounds. Meeks was rushed to a local Stockton hospital, where he was later pronounced dead.

Investigators are saying that Meeks was picked up by his mother after posting bail and leaving the prison on Tuesday, and the two returned to her home, where Meeks’ wife Lashanda was waiting. The couple reportedly had been having issues prior to Meeks’ arrest, and a fight erupted soon after he arrived home. So far, police have no further information on how Meeks’ ended up so severely wounded several blocks from his mother’s house, but they believe that he may have been stabbed and left for dead. An autopsy is scheduled for next week.

Detectives interviewed Meeks’ mother at her home, and wife Lashanda was taken in for continued questioning. Officers allege that either Lashanda or someone she knows or hired may have been responsible for Meeks’ death. Police Chief Tom Morris said investigators found a knife and several pieces of bloody clothing at the scene, but do not have any further information. A DNA test on the evidence could be back as soon as August.

“The investigation is ongoing,” said Morris. “At this time, we are investigating all possible suspects. We would appreciate anyone with any information coming forward and contacting us or their local branch of the FBI.”

President Obama to Star in Hollywood Feature Film

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

While his second presidential term is approaching an end, his career in the spotlight is certainly not, as it has been announced by Lionsgate Films that Barack Obama will star in their long-anticipated sequel to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 hit comedy, Coming to America.

The title of the film, slated for a 2018 release, is Coming to Zamunda, in which the character, President Obama as himself, travels to Zamunda, the fictional African home country of Murphy’s Crown Prince Akeem Joffer.

The comedy will take place after first lady Michelle Obama is accidentally killed by a stray bullet on a visit overseas. It will feature a widower Obama traveling to Africa—without the secret service—in the hopes of becoming more independent and finding a new bride who “arouses his mind as well as his loins” among his ancestral people in the infectious disease tents.

“The movie is bound to be just a gas,” wrote Obama’s publicist, “The sheer originality of reversing the hilarious fish-out-of-water story from the first film, combined with the president’s own personal experience as a boy of privilege and education working in the slums of Chicago? It’s a perfect match.”

A statement released by Lionsgate stated that Murphy, alongside Coming to America co-stars Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones will make cameo appearances, and John Landis will return to direct the sequel.

When asked at a recent press conference if he really believed it would be plausible for a former U.S. president to start a film acting career after leaving office, Obama said, “Yes we CAN.”

Hollywood Shocker: ‘Gilligan’s Island’ Star Turns Out To Be Zodiac Killer

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a scandal that has stunned the world, the late Russell Johnson, known for his role as Professor Roy Hinkley on the popular sitcom Gilligan’s Island, has been identified as the infamous Zodiac Killer. Johnson died of kidney failure this past January.

Notorious in the late 1960s and early 1970s for the grisly murders of at least 6 people and a slew of threatening letters to the San Francisco Chronicle, the serial killer has, until now, never been identified.

According to detectives who have been on the case since it was reopened in March of 2007, “It’s no coincidence that the murders began in 1969, one year following the final episode of Gilligan’s Island. It’s obvious now, that between sporadic TV and film appearances, [Johnson] satisfied his sick obsession for fame by dominating headlines with his murderous activities. The man was literally hiding in plain sight.”

Now, more than 40 years after narrowly escaping his own death at the hands of the Zodiac Killer, 60-year old Bryan Hartnell happened to be in the right place at the right time – the Cook Family Funeral Home in Bainbridge, Washington, at the exact moment Johnson’s remains arrived from the morgue. In the most bizarre coincidence of all, Bryan Hartnell was the embalmer assigned to prepare Johnson for his funeral.

“It chilled me to the core,” said Hartnell. “Right away I knew I’d seen that face somewhere.” He immediately called the police.

Agents notified Johnson’s wife of 32 years, Constance, who said tearfully in a recent statement, “His family would say that he was a little ‘funny’ after the war, but I always thought they meant he had a better sense of humor.”

SWAT teams immediately surrounded his mansion and police tracked down Johnson’s daughter Kim for questioning. Johnson’s body was quickly exhumed for DNA testing. When compared to samples taken from letters allegedly sent by the Zodiac Killer in the late 60s, it was a positive match. According to handwriting expert Lloyd Cunningham, who’s worked on the Zodiac case for decades, the handwriting in the letters and Johnson’s autograph were also a perfect match.

“The nail in the coffin,” said Zodiac expert Robert Greysmith, “was the fact that Johnson’s down-streak finally ended and he was busy at work shooting the miniseries Vanished between 1971 and 1972—precisely when the Zodiac stopped sending letters.”

George Mueller, the Judge presiding over the case found Russell Johnson guilty of the crimes and sentenced him to 100 years in prison without parole. His body will be interred to the Washington State Penitentiary Cemetery to serve his sentence retroactively, and his acting credit will be removed from all future broadcasts of Gilligan’s Island reruns.

Drastic Changes Ahead For ‘The Walking Dead’ In Season 5

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

RABUN COUNTY, Georgia –

As the ratings continue to diminish each season, AMC’s The Walking Dead creator and executive producer Robert Kirkman has made a move that will stun viewers and, hopefully, change the fate of the ailing series.

In a dramatic departure from the hit graphic novel series, the character of sheriff’s Deputy Rick Grimes will no longer be American. Kirmkan has decided that now Grimes will be a former British-national posing as a King’s County, Georgia native under the witness protection program.

While a severe departure from the main storyline of the graphic novels, according to Kirkman the decision was necessary for the survival of the series.

“We were getting way too much feedback from fans that Andrew Lincoln’s Rick Grimes was not charismatic enough to carry the show. What were we going to do, fire the guy who played Egg in This Life? Short of bringing Jon Bernthal back as Shane’s twin brother, this was the only way.”

Kirkman elaborated by saying that he didn’t think that the massive change would really phase most long-time viewers, but that the storyline would have a more ‘universal appeal’ to people who had not watched the show at all yet. They also were struggling to pay for dialect coaches for Lincoln, who is an English actor playing a Southern lawman.

“The bottom line is, trying to maintain an American accent as a British man while squinting a lot and conveying the agony of a man with the whole apocalyptic world on his shoulders is no small task for anyone. So we decided to give Andrew a break so he can really cut loose and bring new life to the character.”

Regarding where the plot is headed, Kirkman remains tight-lipped. However he did hint that Grimes will reveal his true identity to his band of fellow survivors at some point during the season premiere, and will coincide with Daryl’s realization of his latent attraction to “men from across the pond,” about which actor Norman Reedus is ecstatic.

“I get so tired of everyone asking me, ‘who is Daryl going to have a romantic storyline with,“ said Reedus, “Carol? Beth? It’s a huge relief to have that whole mess resolved.”

The official release date, set for later this month has not yet been announced.