Woman Sues Pepper Spray Manufacturer After Can Found To Contain Silly String

Posted on July 12, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A robbery and attack on a local women in Texas is flooding the news this morning, but for reasons other than the actual attack. A 38-year-old woman, Joanne Lewis, was assaulted Wednesday night while walking her dog. She sustained minor injuries, and the assailant left with only $23 dollars and her cell phone.

Where the story takes an interesting turn is that when Lewis attempted to fight back with what she thought was her recently-purchased can of pepper spray, the product turned out to be silly string.

Lewis is now taking the matter to court, claiming negligence on the part of the company the produced the silly string, claiming things could have gone a lot differently if the attack was more serious.

“I was trying to save my life and my belongings, not set up a silly prank.” said Lewis. “He came at me and asked for my [expletive] money, and when I reached in my purse for my spray I screamed ‘take that!’ Once the silly string came out the guy began to laugh in my face, and then pushed me to the ground.”

The company who made the defective pepper spray, Sting & String, has refused to comment, but according to their website, the company does manufacture both pepper spray and silly string. The woman is claiming that negligence is the cause for this mix up, and the company will pay.

“I’m very lucky to still be alive, and the fact that this happened to me makes me wonder how many other people this has affected. I can only imagine little kids at a birthday party playing with silly string and actually pepper spraying each other.” Said Lewis.

The company has recalled the product for the time being, and suggests that their previous customers do a test spray before using any of their items.

Recently Paroled Child Killer: ‘It’s The Children’s Fault For How They Were Dressing’

Posted on July 11, 2014 by NJJones

SYDNEY, Australia –

Following the recent pedophilia scandal of ex-Australian Children’s TV star Rolf Harris, questions are being asked into how someone so blatantly dispicable managed to evade being caught for so many years. Fearing that their child may be the next victim of sexual abuse, many parents are crying out and asking what they can do to prevent these things from happening to their own kids.

Empire spoke to a recently-released child killer, who we will refer to as “Jared”, about what parents can do to ensure that their children are not even on a criminal’s radar.

“You already know how to educate your kids on stranger danger.” he said. “But most of the time, telling your kids not to talk to a stranger isn’t going to stop a potential pedophile from snatching them. Put it this way, if a criminal sees something he desires, ain’t nothing going to stop him if its what he really wants.

“What you’ve gotta do, is stop dressing your children so godd— trendy. It’s your fault, and the children’s fault for how they are dressing!” explained Jared. “All these kids prancing around in adult looking, fashionable clothing, they’re just begging for attention. They’re begging to be snatched up, hurt, abused, and worse.”

It is true that in recent years children’s fashion has taken a surprising turn in regards to style and importance. Last year, London, England played host to the first ever Global Kids Fashion Week, where young children skipped down the catwalk in designer gear. Even more recently, Florence, Italy held the first annual Pitti Bimbo, a childrenswear trade show. Gone are the days where kids were simply dressed in t-shirts and jeans. Nowadays, even the top fashion labels out there have designer clothes for children to be seen in.

Freelance children’s clothing designer Joanne Okes expressed her own concern about the direction of children’s fashion.

“When you surround kids with such overwhelming consumerism, and you tell them that labels and clothing are crucial to their identity, you end up not with children, not with consumers, but with products. Stylishly dressed kids these days are becoming more and more a fashion accessory, and less like the children of a bygone era.”

“When a criminal sees a stylishly dressed child, he sees an object, not a person, he sees a fashion accesory begging to be used.” Jared’s horrifying words almost mirroring Mrs Okes. “He sees sex incarnate, the same as most men would in any model walking down the runway.”

Whether or not how a child dresses is a factor into the dispicable crimes we unfortunately see so often, is debatable.

“It’s ludicrous!” Said Jeanne Curtis, mother of two young girls. “The idea that how my kids are dressed has anything to do with whether they will be abducted or not is just disgusting. It’s not only an excuse for their evil behavior, but a poor one at that. If my children want to grow up to be the next Cindy Crawford or Sharon Stone, they are going to start young and become beautiful every day.”

When asked about a local court trial involving 21-year-old Susan Bedow and her apparent rapist, the same parent responded, “Well, I don’t know whether the guy is guilty or not, but if he did rape her, that’s completely different. I mean, well…did you see the skimpy outfit she was wearing on TV? That [expletive] was asking for it!”

L.A. Hipsters Start Pop-Up Food Tent, Serve Old Food From Trash

Posted on July 11, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

SILVER LAKE, California –

All across the nation, it has become more and more evident that a “hipster culture” has reached epic proportions. Young people who want to proclaim their individuality and separate themselves from mainstream society choose to conform to the ever-so-popular hipster way of life; a culture that holds firm beliefs on many things, including and especially food and drink.

Dining on all-natural, organic gourmet, the majority of hipsters consider themselves “foodies,” and many follow strict vegetarian, if not vegan, diets. While eating organic can be a path to healthier living, it is often drastically more expensive due to the absence of chemicals, hormones, pesticides, preservatives, and the costs of maintaining a higher standard of living conditions for livestock.

A young man recently set out to tackle the food issue plaguing both him, his girlfriend, and their small circle of other hipster friends.

“It’s real tough, ya know? A pair of Birks [Birkenstock sandals] can run you anywhere from $70-$120. And eating organic is the only way, man. It’s just the right way to live, ya know? But it’s like, really, really expensive, right?” says Tate Lane, founder of “Not Too (res)Old Organic,” a new pop-up food tent in Los Angeles’ Silver Lake neighborhood. Lane is a professional finger painter and estimates that before his food tent took Silver Lake by storm, he was making roughly $50 a week between selling his art and picking up odd jobs. “I just wasn’t making enough money. But money isn’t important to me. I want to make that clear.”

Legally, once something is thrown away and taken to the curb or sidewalk to be picked up, it is no longer considered private property, and there is no expectation to privacy or ownership of any item that was discarded. While many cities have enacted stricter laws and heavier fines to deter dumpster diving, Los Angeles has yet to do so.

“I was walking past an organic gourmet market one night with my girl, and we watched them throw out bags upon bags of food. She dared me to eat something from [the trash] and I never turn down a dare. I opened up a bag, and to my surprise, there was plenty of food that was, in my opinion, totally good. Some of it was unopened! I couldn’t justify all of this gourmet, organic food going to waste! I filled up my backpack and had a feast when I got home. That’s when I came up with my food tent idea.”

Lane and his girlfriend/partner Miranda Zimmerman (who he met at a Starbucks where Zimmerman worked as a barista) stay within legal bounds by searching through discarded bags at high-end, organic markets in their city the night before, and giving away their findings at their food tent; accepting donations only to avoid complicated rules and regulations attached to food sales.

Business is going well for the hip pair that’s paired at the hip. “I’m with my girl all day, everyday, ya know? We have the most popular food tent, and we always sell out. It’s the tits.” says Lane.

“We offer an innovative, affordable way of accessing the healthiest, high-end foods in addition to eliminating unnecessary waste. I guess we’re living the dream.” Comments Miranda, appearing to be the brains behind this operation.

TSA Bans Eyeglasses, Contacts From Airplanes

Posted on July 10, 2014 by Mange

ARLINGTON, Virginia –

In an ongoing effort to ensure the vitality of an American people’s trust in the air travel industry, the TSA has released an amended list of unacceptable items to carry on flights. In addition to socks and belts, the TSA has now declared that both eye glasses and contact lenses are considered to be a threatening item, and will no longer be allowed on either national or international flights with a point of origin or destination in the United States. In an official statement by the agency, the decision to label such commonplace items as contraband was illuminated.

“In every instance of terrorism which we’ve seen in the last fifty years, an alarming 100% of them relied on eyesight to carry out their goals.” Said TSA representative Marsha Cole. “Our intelligence from several agencies has shown, time and again, that terrorists can actually see their intended targets, allowing them to carry out their goals with one less layer of chance to overcome. We have therefore classified any item which corrects eyesight to be a potential terrorist threat, and have asked American citizens to please make allowances for lack of sight in the interest of national security. Remember, if the terrorists can’t see us, then they haven’t won.”

The decree has angered several alleged watchdog groups, as well the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Seniors Association. Washington speculators, however, are quick to dismiss the concerns of citizens groups who protect individuals without 20/20 eyesight. Peering Toms, a security and counterterrorist thinktank which supplies reporting to several national agencies, came to the defense of the TSA decision.

“In every instance, in every field of combat and theater of operations, sight is the one common factor to any combat units objectives. If we don’t let the terrorists look at where they are, they can’t decide where to attack. It’s easy to see. Well, with good vision it is.”

Bloggers have been heavily divided in their support or criticism, with most of the right-wing writing in support of what is colored as a ‘slight infringement.’

“Is it an inconvenience? Sure,” Stated blogger MinuteManOrLess. “But I’m no more inconvenienced when I have to get up in the middle of the night and find my way to (the can) without my glasses. I don’t NEED to see all the time! Sure, the blue-blood bleeding hearts talk about infringement on their civil liberties, but think about this: Why do you NEED to see, if you’re not plotting a violent coup or taking over a plane to fly into a building? If you have noting to hide and no plans to thwart, where’s the harm in stumbling to your seat?”

The TSA, meanwhile, has since put in place provisions to have corrective eyewear held by flight attendants while on-board, and returned with passengers luggage.

Teen Hospitalized After ‘iPhone vs. Android’ Argument Leads To Physical Altercation

Posted on July 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RENO, Nevada –

One teen is hospitalized and listed as being in critical condition, and another faces criminal charges in an assault case police are saying was caused by the “stupidest argument” they’ve ever seen.

Christopher Ramos, 17, was taken to St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center yesterday after an argument with Joseph Goldsmith, 16, over whether the iPhone or the new Samsung Galaxy S5 was the better phone. The argument happened during a house party at Goldsmith’s apartment.

“Chris was saying that his Galaxy was way better than my iPhone.” Said Goldsmith to Reno police. “At first I just laughed off how wrong he was, but he kept at it, talking about the better camera, the better battery life, the better apps, the better everything, and after awhile, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

According to witnesses at the scene, Goldsmith jumped on Ramos and began punching him in the face, neck, and body, and eventually switched to hitting him over the head with his cell phone.

“I think if hadn’t put his phone into one of those heavy-duty LifeProof cases, it would have just shattered after the first or second hit.” Said Aaron Silver, a witness at the party. “Because he was protecting his flimsy phone, he was able to keep hitting him and hitting him. Man, I tell you, that case really did its job. [Ramos] ended up unconscious after a couple minutes. I filmed it all on my phone so I could share it on YouTube, but the cops confiscated it.”

The arguments on the internet have raged for years over which company produced better equipment, Apple with their iPhones and their dedicated Apple iOS, or the multitude of manufacturers that produce phones for Google’s Android operating system. With Samsung becoming the number-one seller of Android devices, their battles with Apple have only heated over the years. This is the first recorded case of the internet nerd-rage battle spilling into an actual assault.

“We have never seen anything so stupid as these bunch of nerds beating each other up over who has the bigger technological d—. Seriously, it’s just stupid.” Said veteran police officer Julian Lowe. “They weren’t drunk or high, there was nothing else going on. It was just a birthday party that got out of hand thanks to technology. That’s what crime has come to these days.”

Goldsmith was arrested and charged with 1st degree assault, assault with a deadly weapon, and battery. The original charges also included attempted murder, but lawyers were able to remove that charge. Goldsmith was released on bail and is due in court in August.

Body Of Osama Bin Laden Found By Deep Sea Fisherman

Posted on July 10, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LAHORE, Pakistan –

The body of terrorist Osama Bin Laden was found by a deep sea fisherman off the coast of Pakistan yesterday. The fisherman, whose name was not released due to fears of threats against his life, has reportedly been offered $1 million USD by the Tabliban to return the body to them, but the fisherman is reportedly interested in holding out for more, supposedly contacting representatives in the White House to test their interest in purchasing

According to the fisherman, he discovered the body about 8 miles off the coast of his hometown of Pasni, Pakistan. Bin Laden was pulled from an area of ocean where the depth is only about 75 meters. His body was well wrapped in a clear plastic tarp, and then tied up in a white cloth. Despite Bin Laden’s body having been disposed of in the ocean 3 years ago, his corpse was reportedly in near-immaculate condition, possibly preserved by the salt water and plastic wrapping.

“I was scared at first, finding a body.” Said the fisherman in an interview with his local newspaper. “I pulled it onto the ship, and I was astonished and amazed. I never in a million years thought I would find not only a body, but the body of Bin Laden. I was so excited – I plan to make a lot of money off this!”

Representatives for the US Government say it is impossible that anyone has recovered Bin Laden’s body.

“There is no way that he was found in the ocean near Pakistan, or any ocean for that matter. The odds of that are exactly zero, and I refuse to say how I know that, except to say that I just…know.” Said Cpt. Issac Hillum, a spokesman for the US Army. “A body off the coast of Pakistan? Entirely believable. The government kills people and disposes of their useless corpses by ‘burial at sea’ almost on a daily basis. But Osama Bin Laden? No, I’m sorry. It’s literally impossible.”

Several high-ranking members of the Taliban have a decidedly different opinion on the matter, and say that the US is denying that Bin Laden’s body has been discovered to hide traces of torture inflicted on him before and after his death.

“We have seen the photos, we know it is our leader.” Said Anam Sammer G. Hadd, current leader of the Taliban forces in Pakistan. “We are prepared to pay to retrieve the body and give it a proper burial. We will stop at nothing to make sure his body is returned to us. That is a warning you had better heed.”

With each side having conflicting opinions on the identity of the body pulled from the ocean, the last word will rest in the hands of the man who is in possession of him.

“I know who it is. I am not blind. The photos are proof, and now the world will know. If the US doesn’t want his body, then I will sell to the Taliban. Or I will sell to a private citizen anywhere in the world. What they do with it, I don’t care to know. The first person who hits my asking price will be given his body. ” Said the fisherman.

Currently, that asking price is $5 million USD. President Obama refused to comment on the possibility of it being Osama Bin Laden, or whether they would purchase the body if testing proved positively that it was.

Kim Kardashian Teams With Revlon To Combat Illiteracy

Posted on July 9, 2014 by Mange

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a move to rival Paris Hilton’s career-spanning work highlighting STD awareness, Kim Kardashian’s publicist has announced that she has been named the spokesmodel for a new campaign to combat illiteracy, aimed at fashion-conscious children. The line of educational books, titled ‘Kim and me learn our A-B-Ks”, is set to hit both bookstores and make-up counters next month, featuring spelling and pronunciation guides that will help students by relating English grammar to various make-up techniques and color names.

The books will follow a distinct learning curve, allowing readers to enjoy whimsical nonsense illustrations as they progress from lessons like “eyeliner is good for meeting at the diner, but looking thinner is best before dinner” to more advanced material such as “I apply rouge before standing in queues”. The illustrations, handled by British artist Sandey Sime (of “The Pick Me Up” and “The Idler” renown), each relate to the subject matter of their accompanying text. Revlon predicts the star potential of Kardashian will help drive the product line which combats one of our nation’s greatest challenged in education.

“We want to make Kim’s name a byword for illiteracy.” Said a representative for Revlon.

The move comes as no surprise to Kim’s fans, who’ve followed her example by bolstering the spirit of cancer researchers across the world with their online support, and providing bulimia therapists a broad social spectrum from which to study the threat of body dysmorphia. In a recent weekday press conference, Kardashian met with fans aged 10 to 16, who wished to confront difficulty in reading together with their idol.

I’m not afraid to admit I get nervous being asked to read from the board in school.” Said 14 year-old Chandler Noxwell of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Kim showed us that there are even words grown-ups like her have trouble reading, like ‘algebra’ and ‘water’.”

Several students were given an afternoon pass to attend the event, during which Kim could be seen reading along through pre-press editions of the books and sounding out some of the more challenging rhymes. Kardashian lead one student through the sentence “I shouldn’t rush when applying…my…bluss…”, stopping to quip “Well that’s the street pronunciation, right?” before laughing and hugging the child to her for photos.

Reporters at the event were also treated to a brief speech by the famous reality TV star, wherein they were asked to “understand the fear these children face daily in school, at home, in subtitles. The bravest learner is one who fails, but refuses to give up and tell themselves that they just can’t. I know this whenever I watch my husband work, and I want to support these kids as much as I do him.”

Texas Cheerleader And Internet-Famed Hunter Kendall Jones Mauled By Leopard In South Africa

Posted on July 8, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

NELSPRUIT, SOUTH AFRICA — A Texas Cheerleader who has gained Internet fame overnight and sparked controversy by posting pictures online of big game animals she had hunted was attacked by a leopard on Monday and airlifted to a hospital in Nelspruit, South Africa.

Kendall Jones is a 17-year-old from Texas who has gained popularity quickly after posting images on her Facebook page of herself posing with wild animals she had hunted. She had received heat, including many death threats, from animal activists prompting Facebook to remove the images from her page.

Kendall had been on vacation in South Africa with her parents. They had made several stops in Africa before arriving at the Kruger National Park to hunt.

According to eyewitnesses, Kendall was loading equipment into a truck when she attacked by a leopard that was able to sneak up on the group unnoticed. A guide that was travelling with Jones was able to shoot the leopard before it inflicted severe damage.

“The leopard came out of nowhere and went straight for Kendall as if it was on a mission,” said Mehleli Ndlovu, a South African wildlife guide. “She just dropped to the ground and started screaming about how she would never hunt again. It was very odd. I was able to shoot the leopard quickly. It only got a couple scratches on her but she was crying like she was going to die and insisted that we get her to a hospital.”

Kendall received several lacerations to one leg. She was airlifted to the Nelspruit Medi-Clinic where she received stitches to one wound on her upper leg and was released shortly after.

Man Gets Beaten Up After Posting Video Of Himself Hitting Dog To Internet

Posted on July 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

After Tom-Jan Hüsch’s girlfriend broke up with him, he decided to take revenge to an extreme level by violently hitting and punching the dog his girlfriend bought him as a present. Worst of all he decided to film it all and upload to Facebook.

Warning: This footage you are about to see is very distressing.

This video was since removed from Facebook, however the video instantly went viral, attracting the attention of one man who decided to bring this little dog justice by tracking down Hüsch and inflicting the same pain to him that Hüsch inflicted on the poor, defenseless animal.

The guy also took a video of himself beating up Hüsch, which he later posted online as a warning to everyone that animal cruelty and abuse would not be tolerated in Germany.

Hüsch’s attacker was later identified as Josef Guldschmitt. Guldschmitt explained his attack in a interview by phone this evening.

“I really wanted him to die.” said Guldschmitt. “If I could have found my pliers, I would have twisted his scrotum off too.”

As of today, no charges have been filed against Guldschmitt.

At least 17 Bodies Found In Ohio River Near Henderson, Kentucky

Posted on July 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

HENDERSON, Kentucky –

A mass burial ground was discovered by divers near Henderson, Kentucky yesterday, after a local man walking his dog had alerted police that he thought he saw someone floating down the Ohio River.

Police searched the area, and discovered at least 17 bodies in different stages of dismemberment and decay. The bodies were all found wrapped individually in plastic bags.

“This could be the most prolific, active serial killer in the United States.” Said Captain Owen St. Pierre of the Henderson police department. “Two of the bodies identified so far have been determined to have extensive criminal records; we are considering the possibility that these murders could be inspired by the television series Dexter.

Dexter, which ran for several seasons on the cable network Showtime followed the story of a serial killer who only killed criminals.

Several attempts were made to resuscitate at least one of the dismembered bodies, with no avail.

“Kentucky law requires that an attempt be made to resuscitate if possible,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a member of the search and rescue team. “I know it seemed to be a long-shot, given the body was in several different pieces, but they require us to make an attempt.”

Currently, police are considering all possible leads in their investigation, and so far have questioned several higher-ranking members of the prominent Kentucky Mafia, as well as leaders of both major street gangs. So far, their efforts have turned up no new information.

“We will work tirelessly on this case until we see that the person or persons responsible are prosecuted to the fullest extend of the law.” Said Captain St. Pierre.

Names of the identified bodies were not made available, pending notification to the families.