Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’

Discount Juice Brand Found To Have Used Wood Pulp In Orange Juice

Posted on October 16, 2014 by DvanL

PORT ST. LUCIE, Florida –

The Douglass family fortune was built on Papa D’s Orange Juice. Patriarch Oliver Douglass bought some land in 1938, and set up orange groves as far as the eye could see. In no time, ‘Papa D’s OJ’ lined store shelves from Orlando to Miami.

The family’s spotless reputation was tarnished last week though, when it was revealed that for decades, one of Douglass’ partners, a paper manufacturer, was supplying him with wood pulp for Douglass to add to their Papa D’s juice.

According to agriculture inspector Hank Kimball, Douglass used the cheapest strain of oranges available. “The fruit had next to no nutritional value whatsoever, and contained little to no pulp. They were basically sacks of juice surrounded by an orange rind,” Kimball stated.

The paper mill was owned by one of Douglass’ business partners. “From what the authorities have told me,” said Kimball, “apparently Douglass got the pulp for free in exchange for some tax breaks or something he arranged for his friend at the mill. Douglass had that kind of pull in this town. So they set it up so that pulp the mill needed to get rid of, that couldn’t be disposed of on land without it costing a lot of money or inconspicuously dumped into the ocean, would get mixed into the orange juice to get rid of it.”

“I feel sick to my stomach,” said Port St. Lucie shopper Doris Zifffel. “I’ve been drinking Papa D’s for years, and I’ve given that juice to my son Arnold since he was a baby. Maybe that explains why he was so ‘regular.’ I hope it didn’t hurt his little insides.”

Douglass was a local hero in his day. He supported the community by funding schools, hospitals and various charities. If Douglass endorsed you, you were a member of the ‘in’ crowd. Now, people can’t distance themselves from the family fast enough.

According to inside sources, the city of Port St. Lucie is now terminating all business dealings connected with the Douglass name. “It’s going to be a long process,” said the insider. “The orange juice facility was just shut down. The paper mill will probably take a hit. Just about everything in town has the ‘Douglass’ stamp on it in one way or another. It’s a huge mess.”

Calls to the Douglass household were answered by a maid who identified herself as ‘Consuela.’ When asked to provide a comment she said, “No, no, Mr. Douglass – not at home now.”

Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.

Jenny McCarthy Preaches New ‘Goating’ Fad, Says To Eat Candy While Still In The Wrapper

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Over the last 7 years, Jenny McCarthy has been able to convince millions of parents to stop vaccinating their children, almost single handedly creating the movement known to the media as anti-vaxxing. Now, McCarthy is working to convince parents that the only way for children to safely consume candy is while it’s still in the wrapper.

A public service announcement released by McCarthy early Monday morning detailed the supposed health benefits of ‘Goating’, or eating still-wrapped candy, and the increased risk of autism in children who eat chocolate and other candies that have been removed from its original wrapper.

McCarthy tells her 700,000 plus Facebook followers that years of research has gone into the theory, and that ‘Goating’ will provide your body with an extra layer of protection from the harmful GMO’s and chemicals found in candy. She said the idea came to her when the family dog got into a bag of fun-sized Milky Way candy bars.

“I knew I was on to something, because chocolate kills dogs normally, but Muffy was fine, just some diarrhea. If eating fully wrapped candy bars can prevent my dog from overdosing on chocolate, it can certainly prevent any child from contracting autism.”

Several respected authorities in the medical community have spoken out against Goating, and are warning the public that the practice of eating fully-wrapped candy carries a far greater health risk than just eating the candy bars normally. Experts are saying that in addition to the obvious choking concerns, the human digestive system is not designed to break down plastic wrappers.

McCarthy has said that she is releasing a book about her studies on ‘Goating’, to be released on October 21^st. The book will be titled Goating: Now that’s a Wrap, and will be released just in time for Halloween, when candy eating is at a yearly high for children and adults alike.

McDonald’s To Compete With Weight Watchers With New ‘Weight Loss Menu’

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

President and CEO of McDonald’s Don Thompson issued a statement today regarding the company’s decision to ‘stop making people fatter and start making them skinny.’

“Many of you are familiar with what Weight Watchers does by counting calories, and how it usually doesn’t do much good. Well, McDonald’s is excited to announce that beginning in 2015, we will be offering a menu of weight loss foods, which will be regular popular items such as the Big Mac and double cheeseburger, but will contain a scientifically proven secret ingredient which will cause you to shed pounds without having to exercise,” Thompson told members of the Associated Press.

Over the past several years, McDonald’s has been scrutinized and widely accused of providing its customers with extremely unhealthy foods and – due to their popularity and cost efficient menu items – making Americans fat. The company will reveal the new menu sometime in January. No details on available products were announced.

Thompson did tell the media that he believes the new menu will be so popular that the company will probably need to open a considerable amount of new locations.

“Everyone will be eating at McDonald’s, other fast food chains will close, and more and more McDonald’s locations will take their place. There are so many fat people in America that the plan is fool-proof. People are too lazy to exercise, so they want a way to lose weight without putting in any work, and we have the means to provide that,” stated Thompson. “It has taken our McDonald’s scientists years to develop our new secret ingredient, but come January, the world will get to see it in action.”

McDonald’s restaurants are found in 118 countries and territories around the world and serve 68 million customers each day. McDonald’s operates over 35,000 restaurants worldwide, employing more than 1.7 million people. With the new special ingredient, it is very well possible that these numbers could double and go beyond.

The news is most certainly exciting for the millions of overweight McDonald’s fans across not only the United States, but the world.

CDC: Viewing Of Lunar Eclipse ‘Blood Moon’ Could Cause Contraction of Rare Disease

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

On Wednesday morning, most of North America was privy to a viewing of a lunar eclipse ‘blood moon,’ the reddish hue from a sunset or sunrise that reflects onto the moon’s surface during a full lunar eclipse. When this happens, the moon will appear bright orange or red.

Although normally harmless to gaze at the moon, scientists have warned that anyone who may have witnessed the lunar eclipse ‘blood moon’ may have been hit with powerful, harmful doses of radiation, which they say is the equivalent of thousands of X-rays happening all at once.

“Everyone knows that the sun can be harmful to you, whether that means overexposure or staring directly at it,” said Dr. Marvin Lee, of the Center for Disease Control in Washington. “What many people don’t realize is that the sun also emits a fair amount of radiation that your body absorbs. Over time it could be dangerous, but in small doses it’s okay. During a lunar eclipse, though, when the sun is reflecting off a full moon, causing the ‘blood moon’ effect in early morning or early dusk, the powerful rays of the radiated sun become intensified, almost as if the moon is being used as a magnifying glass to point its harmful radiation directly into you.”

Dr. Lee says that most people won’t notice any side effects of the eclipse right away, but it’s possible that they may start to get violently ill over the next few days and weeks.

“It’s not entirely uncommon for people who’ve been exposed to these ‘moon rays’ to develop lycanthropy,” said Dr. Lee. “Lycanthropy usually will have an on-set once a month during each full moon, and generally will last for the rest of the infected person’s life. Symptoms include elongating of fingernails and teeth, rapid hair growth, and extreme rage and violence. At this time, there is no known cure for lycanthropy, and the contraction via lunar eclipse is new to us. Previously, the only way thought to contract the disease was through survival of a bite or scratch from another person infected with lycanthropy, so this is difficult science we are dealing with.”

Dr. Lee and the CDC say that anyone who may have been awake during the hour of the blood moon, and viewed it directly, should wait to see if symptoms develop before contacting their physician.

“They can’t tell if you’ve got Lycanthropy until the ‘claws come out,’ as it were,” said Dr. Lee. “If you think you may have contracted this disease from viewing of the eclipse, please seek professional help as soon as possible.”

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

Posted on October 8, 2014 by kellybr

MIAMI, Florida –

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.

Mother Accidentally Feeds Foot Skin Scrapings To Young Children

Posted on October 7, 2014 by DvanL

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey –

By now, most people have seen the commercial for the Pedi-Pod, the egg-shaped foot scraper used to remove cracked and calloused skin from dry feet. Busy working Mom Danielle Forbes, 24, wishes she had never seen or heard of the product, and for good reason.

Forbes was busy with her hectic morning routine – waking and feeding her 2 children, preparing breakfast for herself and her husband, and getting herself out the door, all before 8:30 a.m.

“My 3-year-old Danni is allergic to eggs,” said Forbes, “so I have to make her breakfast separately from Donny’s.” Donny, 5, loves eggs and asks for them every day at breakfast. “I only used powdered eggs for Donny, too, because of Danni’s allergy so I don’t have to worry. Once I found out about these powdered, ‘fake’ eggs, everyone was happy.”

Everyone was happy up until one morning last week, that is.

“I got distracted because Danni was running a fever, so I had to cancel her pre-school, scramble to find a babysitter, plus I was trying to make breakfast at the same time. Then I picked up what I thought was the powdered eggs…” The powdered egg product, which is made from all-natural products, is called Shake An Egg, and also comes packaged in an egg-shaped capsule that closely resembles the Ped Pod. “I dumped it in the frying pan with some milk and butter for Donny, all while keeping an eye on Danni.”

Danielle explained that she had used the Ped Pod the night before in the living room, and Donny, fascinated with what he thought was a toy, must have brought it into the kitchen.

“The next thing I remember,” said Danielle, “is that my phone rings at work and it’s the school nurse saying Donny was throwing up in class. So I took an early lunch hour to pick him up and drop him back at home with the babysitter, and that’s when I saw the Ped Pod next to the frying pan.”

Danielle quickly put the pieces together. “I almost threw up myself,” she said. “To think that I fed my son the dry cracked skin that came off my feet is something that will haunt me forever. My feet have been places he certainly doesn’t need to eat the remnants of.”

Will Danielle use the Ped Pod again? “Maybe, I don’t know. Every time I look at it I get nauseous. But it does work. Eventually, I guess I’ll have to,” she admitted, rubbing her ankle. “It really makes my tired feet super smooth.”

Danielle hasn’t told Donny exactly what made him sick, fearing that if she did, he would become sick all over again. “I’ll tell him someday, but it will have to be a long way off. Someday when we can all look back at this and laugh,” she said. “In the mean time, I’ll just start giving them all some Cap ‘n’ Crunch.”

Nutritional Study Reveals That Drinking Apple Juice Increases Penis Size

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

In an extensive two-year scientific nutritional study conducted at Boston University, a group of experts in nutritionally based health improvement breakthroughs, known internationally for their past nutritional scientific discoveries and award-winning accomplishments, claim that their research has proved conclusively that drinking a half-gallon or more of apple juice a day, will, surprisingly increase penile size over time.

Health experts and dietitians say that the precise, detail-oriented, and incredibly well orchestrated study, which had over 30 medical professionals working diligently to monitor the process of natural male enhancement and measuring the results meticulously in a very ‘hands-on’ manner, may very well be the most significant nutritionally based study conducted in the past twenty years worldwide, and for obvious reasons.

Nutritional Science and Engineering professor, Dr. Ismael Untobo, along with his team, constructed the detailed article titled ‘Apple Juice and The Secret of The Male Sexual Organ’ in the October issue of the prestigious North American Nutritional Journal Monthly. Their research revealed that consuming large amounts of 100% real, natural apple juice several times daily is the only proven way known to date, excluding surgery, that is likely to significantly increase penis size.

According to Dr. Untobo’s extensive report, 50 male subjects were monitored on a daily basis during the entire two-year study, and each participant consumed at least a half-gallon of natural apple juice. Once a month, members of the research team gently massaged the men’s private areas with oil until fully erect. This was done to gain the most efficient and scientifically dependable measurements of both length and girth. The results have proven to be quite explosive for the average sized male desperately wanting to offer their sex partners a little something extra.

“No specific nutrient in the apple generates the increases, it is the coexistence and the chemistry of how the nutrients are uniquely constructed within one another’s supplemental DNA, if you will,” Untobo explained. “We tried all different types of juices over the full 10-year study, but it was only within the last 2 years that we discovered that apple juice was the key. Even I’ve taken to drinking several glasses a day. My wife is very happy.”

Within the first six months, Dr. Untobo says his research team at Boston University began to see astounding results in not only penile length, but also in girth as well.

“Six months into the study the average erect penile length of our group increased from 5.75 inches to 6.25 inches, while erect penile circumference increased from 3.8 inches to 5.3 inches. Production of semen increased slightly as well, but intensity of orgasm went off the charts during monthly evaluations,” said Untobo. “It became overwhelmingly obvious that semen production increased very rapidly along with leg-shaking, intense, full-body orgasms. Obviously our test subjects were very pleased with their personal growth and newly discovered, unprecedented orgasms. I guess one could say, the juice gives you more juice, and more juice keeps a smile on your face,” said Dr. Untobo.

Dr. Untobo added that the makers of 100% real apple juice should significantly improve in worldwide sales over the course of the next couple years. “As the results and proof of these studies spread, I would be surprised if the supplement companies do not cash in by converting apples into a pill form. It can be done, and to the best of my educated knowledge, such a supplement is not currently sold over the counter, but they will be,” Dr. Untobo concluded.

According to Untobo, now that he has finished his study with the hopes that his research will help many men gain the confidence they were looking for when it comes to the size of their members, he has begun leading a team of female colleagues and participants in a study to determine whether or not the size really matters, anyway.

USDA Warning: Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

Posted on October 4, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A joint statement released today from the USDA and the FDA discusses new information, based on several years of research, that proves that a gluten-free diet, done solely on a pretentious, bandwagon-style mentality, will give you cancer.

Researchers and medical staff at the Wyatt Institute in Clearwater, Michigan say that they have been working on the effects of a gluten-free diet on people who do not have Celiac Disease or other wheat and gluten allergies. According to reports, their discovery was ‘surprising.’

“We’ve known for many, many years that persons with Celiac Disease should have a gluten-free or extremely low-gluten diet,” said Dr. Marvin Sheer, of the Wyatt Institute. “Those people need to eat a special diet so as not to become extremely ill. Over the last few years, though, many people are jumping onto a ‘gluten-free’ diet bandwagon, because for some strange reason they think that gluten is bad for them. It’s not, by the way. Plus, it’s part of nearly everything that you eat.”

Gluten is a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. It is found, in one shape or form, in everything from cereals to sliced bread, pastas, and even crackers.

“What our study concluded is that these people, who just decided to go ‘gluten-free’ because it’s the fad, or because they think it will help them lose weight, are not getting enough gluten in their diets. This, by the way, can already be an unhealthy option. But heck, wouldn’t you know it, we discovered that it also gives these people cancer – brain cancer, to be precise,” said Sheer.

“What happens is, these people, they stop eating gluten, because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. It’s hip. They read about going ‘gluten-free’ on Facebook, and they have to try it. After all, their friend Jeanne lost 2 pounds going gluten-free,” said Professor Charles DeWitt. “These poor people, though, when they go gluten-free just because everyone else is, they forget to use their brains, and the less you use your brain, the more likely you are to develop a cancer in it. If you’ve been gluten-free for more than 15 minutes, and you don’t have Celiac Disease, chances are you are on your way to having brain cancer as we speak.”

Dr. Sheer says that people with Celiac Disease have nothing to worry about, though.

“If you have an actual, medical reason that you should stay away from gluten, keep doing it. Our research shows that in your case, you are using your brain by following sound medical advice,” said Sheer. “If anything, not eating the gluten might make your brain more powerful. We’re still working on that study, though.”

Sheer suggests that anyone who is currently on a gluten-free diet unnecessarily to stop immediately, and to just ‘eat your damn food like a normal person’, especially if you’re out at a restaurant.

“You’ll make every waitress, cook, and other restaurant employees happier if you do, because I’ll just tell you this right now – it’s 100% impossible for a restaurant to cook you a gluten-free meal. Don’t be pretentious. Order that fried chicken, and enjoy. And don’t forget to tip!”