Federal Lawmakers Look To Abolish Public Sex Offender Registry In U.S.

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In some unsettling news out of the nation’s capital this morning, legislators are looking into the possibility of completely abolishing the public sex offender registry, and giving access to the private information of convicted sex offenders only to law enforcement personnel.

“The United States is the only country in the world with a publicly available sex offender list.” Said Representative Chuck Sharpe (D), of Ohio, who is leading the charge against the ‘right to know’ policy on sex offenders. “Ireland, Australia, New Zealand – even Canada – they all have registries that are only available to law enforcement. These people, most have done their time, and they deserve some privacy as well.”

Sharpe says that one of his family members was convicted of molesting a young girl, and was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Upon his release, he was quoted as saying that it’s been “a nightmare to find work or rent an apartment.”

“My Uncle Joe is a good man. A lot of these sex offenders are good people. They just have different sexual needs, you know?” Said Sharpe. “Personally, I enjoy sex with cans of cat food. It doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? I am okay with telling the world about my intercourse with Friskies, but that doesn’t mean I want to be put on a list somewhere for it, either.”

Many parents groups were outraged by the thought of not being able to check their smartphone apps to see who lived nearby that might want to bring their child on a candy-filled ride in a windowless van.

“Every day after I check the news, the first thing I do is open up the Safe Neighborhood app on my phone, and look to make sure no new perverts have moved into my area.” Said Maureen Nicholson, a mother of two young girls in Albany, New Hampshire. “Thankfully, our town is small, and I pretty much know all the sickos by sight. If there was no registry, though, how would I know who all the sick bastards are that want to have their way with my kids?”

Not surprisingly, the only people who seem to be really excited about the possibility of no longer having to make their presence known every time they move to a new area are the actual convicted-offenders themselves.

“I was released 5 years ago after doing 2 years for sexual assault.” Said Leanaí Diddler, a registered sex offender. “Since then, I’ve had to always tell everyone who I was whenever I got to a new town. I might as well be forced to wear a scarlet P for pedophile on my jacket, that’s how bad it is. The Pedobear tattoo I got in prison probably isn’t helping me out, but this could potentially change my life. I deserve to be treated like all the non-child-touchers out there!”

Although faced with a tough battle to have the laws changed, Sharpe thinks they will be successful thanks to backing by public-interest groups, as well as everyday citizens who see the need for privacy in these matters.

“I talked to a kid the other day,” Said Sharpe. “He’s a registered sex offender at 20 years old. He just got out after doing 3 years for having sex with his 16 year old girlfriend while he was 17, which is illegal in his home state of New Mexico. It wasn’t rape. It wasn’t even non-consenual. He just slept with the wrong angry bitch, who lied to her parents and police after he left her for another girl, a cute redhead in his English class. Now, don’t you think he deserves another chance?”

Lawmakers have said that this option of hiding the identities of sex offenders was preferable to their other options, which included forehead brands that said “SICKO,” or violent, total castration.

“We were really tempted to just cut off the balls of every single sex offender that was out there.” Said Representative Carl Hardy (D) of Georgia. “Upon considering our options, we figured that this would be a much better option for anyone involved. Where would we even put all those testicles, anyway?”

New NRA-Backed Bill To Place 3 Day Waiting Period on Becoming Mentally Ill

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a press conference this weekend, a group of house Republicans led by representative Joe Wilson announced a forthcoming bill which would place a three day waiting period on becoming mentally ill. The bill has the support of the NRA and has been praised by many gun-rights advocates as a common-sense step towards decreasing gun violence.

The bill would introduce a procedure whereby any American seeking to become mentally ill would have to announce their intentions to local law enforcement. From the time of their decision, citizens would then have to wait a full 72 hours before actually becoming mentally ill, giving law enforcement and local support systems plenty of time to prepare to deal with the issue.

Representative Wilson says this bill could help prevent most, if not all, of the gun violence which has plagued our nation for years.

“We’ve known for a while now that America has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem.” Said Wilson. “Well, it’s time we start taking concrete steps to help fix this.”

Later in the press conference, Wilson elaborated on the reasoning behind the bill, saying that people need to better understand the impact that becoming mentally ill can have on their lives.

“This waiting period might not be the perfect solution, but I think forcing people to sit and really think about whether or not they want to become mentally ill could help a lot of folks.” Said Wilson.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre has thrown the full weight of the NRA behind the bill already. In a written statement to the press, LaPierre said that this was an important step towards preventing future gun violence in this country.

“It would be too difficult and expensive to attempt to regulate guns through legislation, so we must begin to regulate mental illness.” Said LaPierre. “It’s time to start keeping mental illness out of the hands of people who could cause harm with it.”

Not everyone is excited about the new effort to impose regulation on mental illness, though. Eric Fontaine, a mental illness rights activist, says that the government has no business coming between a person and any mental illness they might want. Fontaine says the bill, “… would place an undue restriction on my ability to become mentally ill. What if I’m at a mental illness show and I decide I want to come down with schizophrenia right away? I shouldn’t need to get the government involved in that transaction, I should just be able to decide to hear voices and then start hearing them right away.”

“Besides,” Fontaine added, “Most mentally ill people are law abiding citizens. It doesn’t make sense to punish all of us just because of a few bad apples.”

While the bill would be a major step forward for mental illness regulation, some are already complaining that Congress must do more. Steve Winthrop, a mental illness regulation advocate, said that he wants a universal background check for anyone seeking to become mentally ill.

“We need to make sure that the people becoming mentally ill aren’t convicted felons, violent offenders or, even worse, mentally ill.” Said Winthrop.

Kanye West Files Lawsuit Against His Reflection

Posted on July 4, 2014 by iamjoshjohnson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West stays in the news for his outspoken nature and, at times, outlandish behavior. However his most recent crazy behavior may have topped all others. One of the world’s most renowned rappers is filing a lawsuit against his own reflection.

West was curiously completely unaware of his reflection until a few weeks ago when he was apparently walking down a hallway in Milan and bumped right into a mirror. After the collision West demanded that the man across from him apologize. Although not a direct quote, onlookers reported hearing West screaming at himself in the mirror, swearing and saying “watch where you’re going.”

Ever the prima donna, West then called his stylist demanding that he be fit for new clothes as his current outfit, supposedly one of a kind, was being worn by someone else. Kanye only became more infuriated when he noticed the figure was mimicking his movements.

When informed that it was Kanye’s reflection in the mirror, and then someone patiently explaining what a reflection was, he protested that it was impossible.

“I’m way better looking than this fool!” West screamed, causing a wave of laughter by onlookers.

After coming to terms with the fact that he could not fire his own reflection, he flew back to America and filed a lawsuit. Kanye is suing his reflection both for the assault that occurred in the meeting, and misrepresenting him for 37 years. His lawyers reluctantly filed the suit, despite hours of trying to explain why the case would make him look horribly stupid. Kanye rebuffed their attempts, and now West and his reflection are set to appear in court September 31st.

In the meantime, West has filed a restraining order against his reflection, which has already been violated several times in the past few days. Police were called to Kanye’s home the morning after the suit was filed, as Kanye’s duplicate was accused of commiting a home invasion. West claimed he was startled by the very man he was at odds with while getting dressed in front of a full-length mirror.

Officers who arrived were led to the room where the incident occurred, but they found nothing. West entered the room moments later only to act alarmed, screaming that the intruder was behind them. The police had to stifle their laughter and told West that they’d “get their best men on that matter.”

In spite of his current ordeal, West is still very hard at work in the studio and tweeted to his fans that “There may be a thousand of him, but there’s only one of me.”

Bill Clinton Hits Talk Show Circuit to Promote New Book of White House Themed Erotica

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former President Bill Clinton hit the talk show circuit this week to promote his new book, a collection of White House themed erotica. Clinton’s book tour actually parallels wife Hilary’s, as she continues promoting her own book, Hard Choices, a grounded, autobiographical look at her time as Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013.

The former president took to the airways to promote his book, simply titled Hard, which follows the exploits of a main character named “President Stiff Poundstone,” who takes part in an increasingly bizarre series of sexual encounters in-between presidential events.

Former President Clinton has remained cagey on the question of whether President Poundstone is entirely fictional, though he has hinted that parts of the story are based on his own time in the White House. In an interview with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America,” Clinton explained that “In chapter 6, where President Poundstone makes sweet love to the sexy brunette head of the Federal Reserve in exchange for taking $360 billion off of the federal debt? Well, that’s partly true, I really did reduce the federal debt by that much.”

Indeed, some have speculated that former President Clinton wants Hard to, in part, be his way of rewriting the history of his Presidency. Those who subscribe to this belief point to the books tenth chapter, where the media accuse President Poundstone of having sex with an intern. In Mr. Clinton’s presidency, such an accusation lead to an eventual impeachment trial. In Clinton’s new book, however, President Poundstone simply admits to the affair and, to quote the text, “… Everyone agreed that it was an awesome thing to do, and all the media high-fived the President as they shotgunned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer together.”

Hard’s extremely adult subject matter and coarse language meant that Clinton was precluded from reading any large sections of it during his appearances. Instead, the former President was forced to merely summarize parts of the book, hoping to entice readers with his descriptions.

On “CBS Sunday Morning,” Clinton told Charles Osgood that “In chapter three, President Poundstone has to entertain the hot blonde twin Polish ambassadors in order to prevent ruining a state dinner. Things get really steamy when a lobster escapes from a pot of boiling water and joins the fun. It’s one of my favorite chapters- hell I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.”

Most of Mr. Clinton’s public appearances promoting the book have been solo, but he was accompanied by Hilary during a segment on Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough. During the interview, Mr. Clinton was engaged and egarly answered all of Scarborough’s questions, while Hilary kept her head buried in her hands, only occasionally looking up to stare angrily at her husband and ask “Why can’t I just have my own thing just this one time?”

Michigan Woman Arrested For ‘Eating Too Provocatively’

Posted on June 30, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

DEARBORN, Michigan –

Lovingly referred to as “Little Lebanon” by many of its residents due to the city’s highly concentrated Lebanese population, Dearborn, Michigan was home to a rather bizarre arrest this past Saturday when Katherine Murphy, a Dearborn native of Irish descent, was grabbing a shawarma (a wrap filled with meat and vegetables) for lunch with her coworker at a popular local establishment. Two police officers approached her, claiming complaints had been made by several passerby about the way she was eating and the clothes she wore.

“I was just minding my business, eating my lunch, and all of the sudden I was being treated like a criminal, of the worst kind! A perverted criminal!” Said Katherine, who says she was wearing slacks and a button down blouse at the time of her arrest. “I just can’t believe this is happening to me. I mean – how can this be right? I have to find a lawyer, and go through a whole process. For what? For not covering my hair?”

In a bizarre situation like this, one can see how prevalent the Arab influence is in the city, especially in East Dearborn, where many of the local shops have signs written in both English and Arabic. With most businesses catering to the Arab population, it becomes more clear why Murphy stuck out like a sore thumb.

The officers arrested Murphy, citing complaints they claimed to have received about ‘a woman who was eating a shawarma in a provocative manner while exposing herself to the public.’ Murphy, who was rightfully outraged, was very vocal in her opposition of what she says was a ‘pathetic abuse of power.’

“All of the women around me were wearing hijabs, but I wasn’t. I’m not Muslim. I respect that their culture, but I don’t think I should have partake to just because I want to eat lunch. And not wearing one certainly doesn’t mean I was exposing myself!”

Modesty is a virtue valued in the Muslim community. Many women choose to cover their bodies, baring minimal to no skin, sometimes showing only the eyes, feet and hands. They rarely expose more than this to anyone beyond close relatives, to prevent a man they may marry from seeing what they look like. A hijab is a traditional scarf women wear to cover their hair, and sometimes face.

Abdullah Mouawad, Murphy’s coworker, takes her side on this issue.

“I don’t think she was eating provocatively on purpose, Katherine’s just a very attractive woman and she can’t help that a shawarma is so phallic in nature.” says Mouawad. “Police corruption of power is out of control in this city. They told her that her hair should be covered and there were plenty of places where she could buy a hijab to do so. I feel really bad because we had never been to that restaurant and it was my suggestion. I don’t even know how to help her now.”

Murphy was arrested and charged with Misdemeanor Indecent Exposure and was release on $2,000 bail while she awaits trial.

“I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but I’m still really nervous. I could be put on the sex offenders list!” Murphy said, although, she hasn’t let this ordeal curb her appetite for exotic cuisine. “I’ve had two shawarma’s since, but now I just have my husband pick up carry-out.”

The two officers who arrested Murphy and their superiors refused comment for this article.

Police Officer Suspended After Putting 3-Year-Old Toddler In Handcuffs

Posted on June 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

COVINGTON, Louisiana –

A veteran police officer has been suspended from duty this week after allegations that he handcuffed a 3-year-old toddler and put him in the back of a police car because he was “annoyed” with the child’s actions when responding to a domestic disturbance call at the home of the child’s mother.

Jennifer Goldsmith says that when officer Mark Deville showed up at her house after she called for police assistance, he immediately scolded her crying son, Joey, telling him to “shut the fuck up.” When Joey wouldn’t stop fussing, Deville allegedly handcuffed the child behind his back, picked him up, and brought him to his police cruiser.

Joey was left in the car for only about 10 minutes before Deville let him out, but Goldsmith says that her son was just upset because of a fight she had with her husband, Joseph Sr., and that he was scared because there was lots of yelling. According to police reports, the couple had physically hit each other several times, and had thrown pieces of furniture and empty liquor bottles across the room. Their young child was in the room the entire time.

“My husband and I may have been having some problems that upset my son, but that doesn’t excuse the actions that Officer Deville, or Officer Devil as we call him, took with my son,” Said Goldsmith. “He should be ashamed of himself for berating a small child, and treating him like a criminal. We are planning to sue the asses off him and the entire police department. No one handcuffs my child or tells him to ‘shut the fuck up’ except for me or his father.”

After the story broke in a local newspaper, The Covington Herald, on Wednesday of this week, police chief Michael Horgan immediately suspended Deville while they look to investigate his actions.

“Officer Deville is a decorated marine, who has been on our police force for over two decades,” Said Chief Horgan. “He’s only had 6 or 7 complaints of brutality in that time period, and only 2 other suspensions for complaints against him, which is the fewest of any of the officers under my command. I will be investigating the matter personally, but I can tell you right now that even if [Mark] did handcuff the kid, the boy probably deserved it. Kids are a real pain in the ass sometimes, ya know?”

“Some kids, they just need a stern hand,” Said Deville when questioned about the incident. “Obviously his parents couldn’t handle him, so yeah, I put him in my cruiser. I didn’t use the zipties on him or anything for crying out loud. I just used regular old fashioned handcuffs, and the kid slipped out of them in about two seconds because he has tiny toddler wrists. That’s the reason I ended up bringing him to my car. Incidentally, he stopped crying while he was out there. Probably because he didn’t have to look at his mom’s bitch face anymore.”

Both parents were arrested for domestic battery that evening, and their son spent the night with his grandmother.

Representatives at the Policemen’s Benevolent Association, the union that represents Deville, had no comment on the case. Deville himself is scheduled to appear before the policeman’s board on Monday to explain and defend his actions.

North Korea Plans Missile Attack On U.S. Over Seth Rogen Comedy

Posted on June 26, 2014 by Rab

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Funnyman and film writer Seth Rogen has teamed up again with actor James Franco to make a comedy film that is pretty topical in the present day. The movie, “The Interview,” pits Franco and Rogen as journalists who have one mission: to assassinate Kim Jung Un. Unfortunately, Kim Jong-un is not taking the situation lightly.

“This movie is obviously satire.” Rogen states, laughing hysterically. “But Kim, he wants to literally attack the country if we release it. He wants us dead. The fact that this crazy dude believes that we want to kill him is absolutely hilarious, and just proves how off his rocker this dude is.”

Franco was less surprised by Jong-un’s reaction.

“Yo, this dude runs a country where every man has to have the same haircut as he does.” Said Franco. “He runs a country where there is a housing unit that has over five hundred houses in it, fully powered and livable, and it sits completely empty, just so that from the sky and the nearby roads the city looks nice, not like a third world [expletive]-hole. Who better to be rid of on this planet but this guy? I mean, I’m just an actor, author, director, producer, artist, and model – I am not qualified to do it for real. But in a movie, who better to assassinate a world leader than me and Seth?”

North Korean leaders have seen the trailer for this film, and are not impressed. Representatives for Kim Jong-un are reportedly so angered, they have called the movie “an act of war.” According to government officials, US drones have picked up images of North Korea readying missiles, in anticipation of the studio not permanently shelving the film.

“These weapons of mass destruction could devastate California, you know, if they can reach it this time.” Says secretary of defense Chuck Hagel. “In all seriousness, yes – we’re talking war here. but I can assure all fans of Rogen and Franco’s films that the US government has no plans of forcing Columbia or Sony Pictures to not release this film. It looks quite hilarious actually. We’ll deal with the repercussions later, like we always do.”

Rogen, who was too high to really understand the threat, said he isn’t concerned about real retaliation.

“I mean honestly, how serious is Kim, anyway? Those South Park guys, they made Team America which mocked the hell out of North Korea, and the world didn’t end then, did it?” Rogen said. “At most, they’re just going to ban the movie in North Korea, and who cares? We don’t exactly make bank there anyway.”

The US Defense department has said that there is no reason to worry, and more than likely North Korea is just engaging in a metaphorical “dick-wagging” contest.

“Their missiles are garbage anyway.” Said Hagel. “If they want to start a war over a movie, we’ll wipe them off the map. They might have some pretty big guns, but our guns are bigger. USA! USA!”

Oprah Posts Bail For ‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks

Posted on June 24, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

STOCKTON, California –

The internet was abuzz this past week when a mug shot of accused arms dealer Jeremy Meeks hit the web, making women swoon and men jealous over his movie-star good looks.

Apparently all the attention Meeks has gotten since being arrested has only helped him, as billionaire actress and media mogul Oprah Winfrey has reportedly agreed to pay Meeks’ $900,000 bail, with the intent of giving him a job as a talk show host on her OWN Network.

“Jeremy is so beautiful. He’s really one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen.” Said Winfrey. “I saw his picture while I was checking my Twitter, and my heart skipped a beat. He is practically the definition of the word ‘sexy’.”

Meeks has said he will gladly take the offer of hosting his own program, as it has always been his dream to get out of arms dealing and move into the entertainment world. He is reportedly working with Winfrey, her producers, and a group of writers to determine the best kind of show for his ‘style.’

“I am not a doctor, so I guess I can’t really be Dr. Phil or anything.” Said Meeks. “What I’ve suggested is a milder version of a Jerry Springer, where my guests are mostly cons and criminals like me, and I can maybe help them get or stay on the straight-and-narrow.”

Winfrey may not be looking just to have a new face for her network, though. Possible troubled waters with Winfrey and longtime partner Stedman Graham mean that it’s always possible that Winfrey is looking towards a future with a younger, more handsome beau.

“Oh gosh, that’s just not true.” Said Winfrey, giggling like a school girl. “I really just want for Jeremy to find a better life. He’s got a beautiful girl and a family already. He certainly doesn’t need me or my billions of dollars to hang onto.”

For now, Meeks has said he just wants to get his life back on track, and is extremely thankful that he is being given this opportunity.

“I never thought that becoming an internet meme would parlay into a career.” Said Meeks. “This is truly the best thing I could have ever hoped for.”

Meeks is scheduled to be back in court next week.

Cops Crack Down on Teens Abstract Expressionist Painting While Driving

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Police across the country are taking part in a new initiative meant to make our roads safer by cracking down on teens and adults who create abstract expressionist paintings while they drive.

The program involves PSA’s, training for officers on how to spot painters in their cars, as well as special checkpoints along major highways where officers will be able to arrest anyone refusing to follow the rules of traditional composition.

Abstract expressionism while driving has been on the rise in recent years, and some say has only gotten worse ever since teen clothier Urban Outfitters began selling “To-go” sized canvasses and mini paint buckets that fit in a car’s cup-holder. A recent survey by ABC News found that over 40% of young adults (ages 16-25) admit to abstract expressionist painting while driving, with 20% saying they create a mind-bending work of pure exploration every single time they get behind the wheel.

Philadelphia Police Chief Charles Ramsey was instrumental in creating this new initiative. He says he first became passionate about this issue after a series of accidents in his home city.

“These young people, most of them teenagers, had gotten in to wrecks because they were distracted, applying paint to canvass in non-representational ways and trying to push the limits of what paint can express when they should be keeping their eyes on the road.” Said Ramsey. “I hope this program will help keep more people focused, and remind drivers that they can always explore two-dimensional reality after they get wherever they’re going.”

Empire News spoke to one teenager, Louis, who says that he started abstract expressionist painting while driving almost as soon as he got his license. Says Louis, “It’s not as big a deal as some people make it out to be. If you know what you’re doing, you’ll be fine. Like me, I only paint when I’m stopped at a red light… mostly because red lights are the inspiration for all my work. I try to create a visual mélange which evokes the red light without using the color red.”

According to existing distracted-driver laws, though, Louis is a criminal. Any police officer who catches him paining while driving is within their rights to arrest him. In most jurisdictions, abstract expressionist painting while driving carries a penalty of up to $500, and one scathing review of the painting in question by a magazine or newspaper of record.

Some outside of law enforcement have alleged that the crackdown on abstract expressionist painting while driving is unfairly targeted at young people. Studies have shown that those above the age of 40 tend to avoid abstract expressionism, but that 43% of them landscape or portrait paint while driving, and 37% of them compose classical epic poetry while behind the wheel.

Texas Judge Sentences Man To Death For Marijuana Possession

Posted on June 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

An Austin Superior Court judge sentenced 34 year old Joseph Goldsmith to death row yesterday, after Goldsmith was picked up on his third offense for marijuana possession.

Judge Martin Churchill said during the trial that he had “already seen [Goldsmith] twice” and that “the third time was the charm.”

“If a man cannot get his act together, and he is arrested multiple times for the same crime, then I have no choice but to hand out the swiftest and harshest punishment I can.” Said Churchill. “In this case, the public needs to know how the state of Texas deals with repeat offenders, especially when they are drug-related crimes.”

Goldsmith, who has no other arrests on his report other than the previous two convictions for misdemeanor marijuana possession, was visibly upset when the verdict was read.

“I cannot believe it. This is like a nightmare.” Said Goldsmith, in tears after the hearing. “It was just a couple of joints. This isn’t right.”

Goldsmith was arrested this third and final time with around a gram of marijuana in his possession. In several states throughout the U.S., this amount would get him a small fine. In others, he would be let off with a warning. The state of Texas has the toughest laws on marijuana possession in the country.

“We will definitely be appealing the court’s decision.” Said Matthew Klein, Goldsmith’s attorney. “A sentence of death does not fit this crime. There is no way that we are going to let this stand.”

Goldsmith was sent to the Texas State Correctional Facility in Austin after the trial. Per his conviction, he will be required to remain on death row until an appeal can overturn the judge’s decision.