Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens Twice During NBA Career

Posted on September 12, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Controversial ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman said in a radio interview on Louisville sports station WKRD 790 AM that he was abducted by aliens twice during his NBA career. While on the road promoting his soon-to-be-released biography, The Constant Rebound, Rodman, for the first time, spoke about being abducted by aliens.

“I was playing for the Spurs in 1993 and I was abducted by aliens two different times during the off-season,” Rodman said casually while being asked about his antics on and off the court. Thinking that Rodman was joking, sports talk show host Tony ‘Birdman’ Griffith immediately laughed during the live interview. “No, I’m completely serious, and for the first time ever, I am coming forward and announcing it. I have been dealing with it for years and there are others out there afraid to say anything, so on their behalf I wish to come forward,” Rodman said adamantly. “The world noticed a drastic change in my behavior when I was a player, and later on when I tried my hand at acting – which I sincerely apologize for, by the way – and it’s high-time I admit that my behavior was a direct result of my alien abductions.”

Griffith then apologized for laughing, and commented by saying, “Oh my God, you are serious, I’m so sorry. So how did this affect your basketball career?”

“They did something to me, and I don’t mean via anal probes necessarily, and it actually seemed to help my game and opened my mind as a human being. I was scared to death when it happened, and I still have dreams about it every night, but I honestly think [the aliens] are here to help us. The problem is that the people who are abducted have a hard time understanding and coping with it, most keep it a secret. I kept it a secret because I was afraid people would think I was, ironically enough, crazy,” Rodman said.

Rodman went on to say the alien abductions are brought up in detail in the book, which has not yet been released. “This is only my second interview promoting the book, I figured I need to get that off my chest sooner rather than later. My book will be released sometime in January. My agent figured that we should get a jump on promotion, he knew I was nervous about what people would think of me,” Rodman told Griffith. “If you get my book when it comes out, you will read all about it, we don’t have enough time to get into it anymore today. My time in North Korea was related to the abductions, but I am not prepared to talk about that right now. So don’t ask,” Rodman added, referring to his bizarre trips to North Korea to meet with leader Kim Jong-un.

Griffith immediately went on to change the subject of North Korea and asked Rodman about the three championships he won with the Chicago Bulls from 1995-1998. “So you are in Chicago playing with Jordan and Pippen with Phil Jackson as your coach, what was that like? What was the team chemistry like on that team during the three-peat run?” Griffith asked.

“It was the only time in my career that I felt like I was understood. Phil Jackson knew how my mind worked and got the best out of me. He was more of a friend than a coach. It was great playing with all those guys, something that will stay with me the rest of my life,” Rodman replied.

The official release date of the book has not been set, however it is expected to hit bookshelves sometime in January.

Kellogg’s To Change Name Of Rice Krispies In Lieu Of Ray Rice Controversy

Posted on September 12, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

It seems that everyone is talking about football player Ray Rice’s scandal after video footage of the NFL football star knocking out his then fiancée was released to the public last week. Today the Kellogg’s brand, who makes the cereal Rice Krispies (the iconic cereal released in 1928) and Rice Krispies Treats (released in 1995) announced that the topic has become so talked about in the media, that it has affected the sales of the cereal. The company has ultimately decided that drop the word “Rice” from their name.

Kellogg’s spokesperson Lesley Davidson told the Associated Press this morning that due to the drastic decline in sales they will be changing the name of the cereal to Kracklin’ Krispies, the treats will be named Kracklin’ Krispies Treats.

“Marketing is a funny thing. We know that it seems a bit ridiculous that the Ray Rice story would affect a brand of cereal, but it has. People relate words to either negative or positive images in the back of their subconscious minds,” said Davidson. “Think of how Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC when the word “fried” starting having all sorts of negative connotations in a health-concious market. This is very similar. Sales in the past week have shown a dramatic drop-off in purchases of Rice Krispies and Rice Krispies Treats because of the Ray Rice Scandal. Marketing experts have it down to a science and it has been proven that certain words and names of products will trigger an impulse to buy or not to buy a product. An immediate change was deemed necessary, so our board of trustees voted on a name change.”

While serving what was a two-game suspension handed down by National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, Rice was released by the Baltimore Ravens on September 8, 2014 after the public release of video of the brutal assault on his then-fiancée, who is now his wife. The surveillance video from the elevator they were in shows Rice punching and knocking her out, then dragging her limp body out of the elevator. After the video was released, the NFL announced that Rice would suspended indefinitely. The Ravens then pulled all merchandise bearing his name off shelves, and his former high school, Rochelle High School in New York removed his jersey and pictures from various display cases throughout the school. Rutgers University, where he played college football, has since done the same.

When asked if the name change of the cereal was permanent, Davidson stated that it would remain effective for the foreseeable future. “We will cross that bridge when we get to it. If at some point the American public stops thinking of the word rice in a negative way, we may consider it, but for now a new marketing campaign for Kracklin‘ Krispies is being launched at full force,” he responded.

Ray Rice has been losing endorsement deals since the scandal hit. He was previously endorsed by the Otis elevator company, for whom he had appeared in live in person via presentation to large, and up and coming corporations and companies. Earlier this week he was dropped as their spokesperson. It has also been stated that legendary NFL and former San Francisco Forty-Niners great Jerry Rice is considering legally changing his name to just “Jerry.”

Other companies and products, including Uncle Ben’s White Rice and Rice-a-Roni, are also considering name changes to distance themselves from any controversy.

Cleveland Browns Rookie QB Johnny Manziel ‘Guarantees’ He Will Take Browns To Super Bowl

Posted on September 5, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

The outspoken, flamboyant, controversial Cleveland Browns rookie and second-string quarterback, Johnny Manziel, has guaranteed that he will take the Browns to the Super Bowl this season, something that has never been accomplished in franchise history, and that this feat will earn him the Most Valuable Player award.

When asked about head coach Mike Pettine’s decision to start veteran quarterback Brian Hoyer over him for their highly anticipated season opener against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Manziel told reporters on Friday that he will be the starting quarterback by week 3 and stunned the locker room with his comments.

“I guarantee I will take this team to the Super Bowl this season. To shut up all the haters I will take home the MVP award, bring the Lombardi Trophy to Cleveland, and take my happy ass and a few beautiful women to Disney World. Write that in your little article,” Manziel said in a state of frustration when Louisville Times reporter Quen Caudill asked him about the situation. Manziel had been fielding questions all week about Coach Pettine’s choice to start Hoyer this weekend, and apparently decided to throw the press a bone.

Manziel, aka “Johnny Football,” broke several NCAA division 1 FBS and SEC records last season at Texas A&M and was considered a leading candidate to win the Heisman Trophy as a Sophomore in the weeks before the 2013 season. Florida State freshman quarterback Jameis Winston would eventually be named the Heisman Trophy winner after leading his Seminoles’ to a National Championship.

Manziel’s eligibility for the 2013 season was under question after reports surfaced that he had signed autographs for money in January 2013. On August 28, 2013, the NCAA reached an agreement with Texas A&M to suspend Manziel for the first half of the team’s game against Rice. Many believe it cost him his chances to be a legitimate Heisman candidate while Louisville Cardinals QB Teddy Bridgewater moved up the board in popularity past him. Manziel anticipated being taken in the top 10 during the 2014 NFL draft and slid all the way down to the 22nd pick by the Browns.

When asked about Manziel’s comments, anticipated Browns starter Brian Hoyer seemed to take the high road and showed absolutely no animosity toward Manziel.

“This is the NFL. We are all very excited about getting out there and playing ball. Football is a very emotional game and when you work so hard to be named a starter and don’t quite make it, it is a tough deal. Johnny is awesome, he will be a great quarterback someday. I ain’t mad at the dude, he is a gamer, he wants to win and he wants to be a winner. I totally understand where he is coming from. He only expects the best and wants to be the one to bring it.”

Head coach Mike Pettine seemed to be a little frustrated with Johnny Football’s pre-mature comments, and wasn’t afraid of holding back in his comments.

“I tell ya what, he is a rookie, hell he is still an immature kid. That boy has a lot to learn I can tell ya that. I love the kid but he can be a loudmouth, I think you all know that already,” Pettine said, the entire press pool laughing. “He is frustrated, he just wants to get out there and play, that crap he said about the Super Bowl and winning MVP, I will talk to him about that. It won’t happen again I’ll tell ya that. Brian Hoyer earned the right to start this weekend and in my opinion, it’s no contest. Maybe Johnny just had to, you know, go to the bathroom, and his words were misunderstood.”

University of Kentucky Suspends Women’s Sports, Football Program Starting 2015

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart announced in a press conference just hours ago that the University will suspend funding for its football program and all women’s sports for the 2015-2016 season.

The struggling football program has not won an SEC conference championship since 1976, and even then they tied with Georgia making them c0-champions. “We are just not relevant in football in the SEC, moving to a different conference is out of the question. This is basketball country, and for that, we need all the money we can get our hands on,” Barnhart said earlier today. “Operating these sports, paying for the scholarships, feeding the student athletes, making travel arrangements – it all costs us more money than we bring in. This is not a decision we have made lightly, but it has been decided the money, time, and effort would be more suitably spent funding men’s basketball and building a new basketball arena.”

U of K officials had become infuriated with the state’s lack of help in funding development for a new basketball arena. After the state chipped in and helped their long time rival, the University of Louisville, build one of the countries most up-to-date, state of the art basketball arenas, The KFC YUM! Center in downtown Louisville, they figured it was their time. They waited and waited, but the help never came.

“This is a basketball state, and the University of Kentucky is the premier basketball program in all of basketball, yet the state helps our in-state rival instead of us… it’s like a punch in the face. Therefore we have been forced to discontinue nearly all other sport programs,” Barnhart said.

When asked how long the suspension of the programs will go on, Barnhart said that they intend to re-instate some of the programs for the 2016-2017 seasons but definitely no earlier than that. “If everything goes as planned, we will gather all the resources we need to fund a new arena and take care of our men’s basketball team and their families during that year. And then hopefully we can start bringing the suspended programs back into business.”

Kentucky fans do not seem too distraught by the shocking decision. Edgar Williams of Shepherdsville, Kentucky, who refers to himself as a ‘lifelong U of K fan’ said he was glad they were ditching the girls.

“Hell I don’t give a damn about those other sports anyways. We can’t play football to save our damn lives, and nobody gives a damn about girls sports, I mean who goes to watch a bunch of girls play games? Perverts that’s who. Fine by me. This is basketball country,” Williams said.

The University of Kentucky is well-known for its colorful, wild, and wacky basketball fans. In a recent survey taken by a national media outlet, they were ranked the 2nd most obnoxious fans in the country.

Basketball coach John Calipari was asked about the decision to suspend funding for other sports, and he said he didn’t like it but his team needs to be taken care of. “It’s a cruel world, my kids play their hearts out, they deserve to play in a state of the art arena like the one in Louisville. We are tired of being looked at as the inferior program in the state while we are actually the best basketball program in history. So what, that other Kentucky school is good in all sports. This is a basketball state, don’t they know that?” Calipari said with a quirky smile.

Record Holder of World’s Largest Penis Wins Three-Legged Race At County Fair

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Jonah Falcon, owner of the largest documented penis in the world, has generated dozens of headlines since the native New Yorker was featured in the 1999 HBO documentary, Private Dicks: Men Exposed.

“The publicity is like a double-edged sword,” said Falcon, speaking from his Brooklyn home. “I try to have as normal a life as possible, but once I decided to expose myself it’s not like I can wave a wand and make it magically go away.”

The latest headline attached to Falcon took place earlier this summer at the Putnam County Fair in Carmel, New York. “I try and go there ever year. I love fairs. All the food – all the events – I’ve been known to overdose on hotdogs, and I’m the first one to put my John Hancock on the sign up sheet for every event I can get my hands on.”

One of those fair events was the “three-legged race.”

The familiar competition involves two people, one leg from each team member tied together, racing to try and be the first to finish.

“Almost every county fair has one out here. Gobs of people signed up. You put a donation in a charity basket, so it’s really very popular and helps out the firemen’s fund. So, all these teams line up and people without a partner start to pair off,” explained Falcon. “I happened to come alone, so I didn’t have a partner.”

With the race about to start, Falcon found himself standing off to the left.

“Maybe some people recognized me, maybe they were a little afraid of having me for partner, I’m not sure. All I do know is, I was left hanging. I could have just forgotten about it, but I decided I wasn’t going to let the ball drop.”

Critics believe that Falcon engineered this story as a cheap grab for publicity, but he disagrees. “That’s a lot of baloney,” Falcon says. “I went up to the master of ceremonies and complained. He said the three-legged race logically has to involve two people, but I thought it was unfair that I couldn’t participate, especially since I had something in the basket. He didn’t want to hold things up, so he said I could run the race solo. We decided to tie both my legs together so I wouldn’t have a leg up on the other participants.”

There were some grumblings from a few contestants. “Yeah, one of the guys who runs a smoothie stand, this bald-headed yogurt slinger kept spouting off with these snide remarks – but I just turned my head the other way and ignored him. I took the ‘I am rubber, you are glue’ attitude and let it slide, like water off a duck’s back.”

As it turned out, Falcon won the race. “Everyone was really good about it and I gave the trophy to the couple who came in behind me. Even the yogurt guy shook my hand. ‘No big thing,’ I told him.”

“All in all, it was a great day,” said Falcon. “That’s the whole point of a fair – to have fun. I could have spent the rest of the day being Mr. Sad Sack about the whole thing, but instead I walked away being Mr. Happy!”

Curious onlookers had to know more, and they asked the obvious question – exactly how big is Falcon, anyway?

“I tend to not talk numbers in public,” Falcon said, with a wink. “But those people my age and older, they remember the adult film star John Holmes. Well, it’s like that. Only bigger.”

Texas A&M Towel Boy Leaves Sidelines To Gain Starting Spot As Quarterback

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

COLLEGE STATION, Texas –

A new season of college football is underway and anticipations for this year are high, with new rules and a new playoff bracket system being put into effect this season. One team that will have a lot of eyes on it will be Texas A&M, after all-star quarterback Johnny Manziel has started his NFL career for the Cleveland Browns.

Texas A&M coaches have been hesitant to name a starting QB, but with recent discovery of a ‘hidden talent’ during practice, it appears that they are ready to name the man who take the starting snap for the Aggies this Thursday against the South Carolina Gamecocks. Terrance Brown, a once towel boy for the team, has been picked up and put on the roster as of yesterday, and has been announced to start the first game of the season.

Coaches began to notice the talent behind the towel boy when asked to get a football that went out-of-bounds. Brown, instead of walking the ball over, threw a hail mary spiral right to the head coach.

“It was unbelievable,” said Head Coach Kevin Sumlin. “I thought maybe the kid just had a long ball, but we had some down time and I asked if he would throw to our receivers. He agreed and the kid looked like a natural. I asked if he would do some drills in uniform, and it was like he had been playing football in college for 5 seasons.”

Brown admitted to the coach that he knew the play book pretty well, and had sometimes snuck into team meetings and stood in the back. He had played football in high school, but only up until his junior year after bruising his spine bone. By the time he fully recovered it was too late to get scouted and he had never made the walk-on tryout at A&M because he didn’t know they had been scheduled. He acquired the towel boy spot after begging the school to let him help out the team in any way.

“He’ll start the game, but I’m not going to lie, I’m afraid the game pressure may get to him, so we are prepared to take him out if we have to. That being said, I hope he shows up like he did in the practices. If he can, this will be a story for the ages,” said Sumlin.

Canada Decides They Don’t Want Hockey to be Their ‘Thing’ Anymore

Posted on August 27, 2014 by carriesnotscary

OTTAWA, Canada –

Earlier this week, members of Canadian parliament held a press conference in Ottawa to announce that they’re sick and tired of hockey being their “thing.” Since no one really knows who they’re political leaders are, or that they even have a government, they invited their most famous celebrities, all of whom live in America, star in American films, and produce American music, to make the important announcement.

“Isn’t it ironic that Canadians are so nice but hockey is a violent sport?,” famous Canadian Alanis Morissette sang to kick off the conference. “Seriously, though,” Morissette said in a speaking voice.

“We’re cold and we’re tired and we’re really nice. Is there a sport about being really nice?,” famous Canadian Seth Rogen asked.

The suggestions Canada listed as possibilities to be their new “thing” include Helping Friends Move, Feeding Ducks, Sitting Patiently for Hours, Collecting Spoons, Taking Long Walks, Making Tiny Ships in Jars, Providing Shooting Locations for the Earlier Seasons of The X-Files, or Exporting Maple Candies.

Some Canadian celebrities even threw in suggestions of their own. “Can we steal bobsledding from the Jamaicans? It just makes more sense,” famous Canadian Ryan Gosling said. Gosling is also a strong supporter of the tiny ships in the bottles. “I’ve seen them. They’re very real and very majestic.”

Canada is the country above the United States, to the right of Alaska. Ottawa is the capital of Canada. They’ve always been really good at hockey. Some famous Canadians who also attended the conference include Avril Lavigne (advocate for Collecting Spoons), Cobie Smulders, Ryan Reynolds (advocate for Helping Friends Move), Robin Thicke, James Cameron, Rachel McAdams, Michael Cera, and Hayden Christensen (strong advocate for the unlisted thing of ‘Lots of Of Regret and Shame’). Leonardo DiCaprio attended the conference as a non-Canadian supporter of the cause to ditch hockey.

“Hockey is pretty cool and all, but Americans have made it their thing now, too,” said DiCaprio. “Let’s get Canada their own thing once again.”

UFC To Create 17 New Weight Divisions To Combat Dangerous Weight Cutting

Posted on August 23, 2014 by Jon Smith

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Recent neurological studies have shown a direct correlation between the sort of drastic weight cutting found in combat sports such as boxing, wrestling, and mixed martial arts, with severe brain trauma and death. In the past, wrestling has borne the brunt of the weight cutting issue as stories of spitting into cups, wearing plastic and refusing to eat circulate amongst the population.

However, with the increased popularity of mixed martial arts, particular its preeminent organization the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the focus has shifted to the large weight gaps between weight divisions.

Currently, professional boxing recognizes 17 weight classes ranging from under 105 pounds to over 205 pounds, with weight classes divided by three to twenty-five pound increments.

Previously, mixed martial arts recognized eight weight classes, ranging from 125 pounds up to 265 pounds. With the exception of the 60 pound gap between light heavyweight and heavyweight, all weight classes were divided by ten to twenty pound increments.

Detractors of weight cutting suggest that due to the massive gaps in weight classes and the fighters’ fear of being unable to compete in previous weight classes, these large gaps are cause of severe and dangerous weight cuts.

“Fighters want to win,” said Sheila Sherman, a researcher in the field of sports nutrition. “If you are a 205 pound fighter and you can’t quite make it to a title match, being relegated as a solid ‘stepping stone’ or ‘gate keeper,’ you think about dropping down to 185. And with the growing number of wrestlers in MMA, these weight cuts sometimes look easy, but the toll on the body is severe.”

To stave off the potential risks of these huge weight drops, and perhaps to one up their combat sports competitor, the UFC recently announced they would be adding 17 weight classes to their roster.

These additional weight classes will have no more than five pounds between them, with the Slim-Fast and Body Dysmorphic Divisions will be separated by just .5 pounds.

“I don’t know what else we can do,” Sherman told reporters, “I mean, if we keep weight classes like they are, more fighters are going to have to accept that they aren’t as good as their friends tell them they are and will have to get real jobs to be productive members of society instead of little boys getting paid to shave their chests and fight on the metaphorical playground.”

One of the more experimental divisions suggested is the “Anthony ‘Rumble’ Johnson division” which should be 205 pounds, but sometimes will be 217 and other times will inexplicably be 185.

At the time of publication, rumors of additional weight divisions, for fighters who are completely unprofessional or who don’t know a thing about weight cutting, have been suggested as a sort of ‘sliding scale,’ with no real fixed weight, just kind of a ballpark guess. So far, they haven’t made that specific weight class official.

Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

Posted on August 20, 2014 by mike the inkman

LOS ANGELES, California –

Donald Sterling, disgraced Los Angeles Clippers owner, has announced that he will agree to sell the team, bringing an end to the months-long legal battle between himself and the NBA. Sterling however, does not plan to go quietly into the night, and is in talks with Redskins owner Dan Snyder over a proposed deal to purchase the team, which has had its own issues with perceived racism as of late. Sterling spoke to ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews about his reasoning.

“Well, honey, it seems like my welcome in LA is worn out. They say I’m antiquated, a relic, and maybe I am. Sure, I’m a little over the hill, but I still enjoy the company of a lovely lady like yourself. I also enjoy the thrill of owning a sports franchise. Those beautiful black bodies exerting themselves to achieve a common goal. I imagine that’s how the South was built. I heard mumblings around the country club that Danny was getting fed up with this whole ‘racial slur’ garbage, and I thought to myself, ‘Now that’s a team I could own’. Of course if the deal goes through, I’ll have to clear up the nonsense with these bloodsuckers trying to soak up legal fees by forcing a great football franchise to change its identity. Mind you, I’ve got a few papers to sign yet, but we’ve already hammered out the particulars. As near as I can recall, Washington was built on the backs of the black man. Even now, they have that black quarterback. A real workhorse, that one. I’ll be damn proud to call him my own. As far as the name business goes, those damn Indians should be glad we let them hang around as we turned this wilderness into the great land that it is today, not to mention naming a premier sports franchise in their honor.”

Andrews, looking incredulous, asked Mr. Sterling what he thought of Roger Goodell, the league commissioner, making a public statement regarding his promise to fight tooth-and-nail to keep him from buying the team.

“That old Irishman? He’s not as tough as he makes himself out to be. I was a Jew in this country before being a Jew was an admirable thing. I know a thing or two about being told ‘no.’ Despite the anti-semites in the business world, I scratched and clawed my way to the top. If that ginger b—— thinks he can keep me from achieving my goals, he’s in for a real big surprise. He’s the one who’s got a problem with race, not me. You should have heard him on the phone the other day. He sounded like a red-haired Hitler. I don’t care if he is the Fuhrer of the NFL, his little legal team is no match for my legislative wehrmacht. I’ll get my team, and I’ll pay those Indians their price, and we’ll get this damn thing back on the right track.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a league spokesman was willing to address the possible Sterling buyout.

“The league feels that he’s a crazy old man that shouldn’t be involved in running anything. There are no plans at this time to let Mr. Sterling buy anything, but as he has said, people have tried to hold him back from his goals his entire life. I’d say that there is at least an outside chance that Donald Sterling could be the next owner of the Washington Redskins.

Michael Jackson Hologram Selected To Perform During Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

GLENDALE, Arizona –

After multiple conflicting reports suggesting that either Katy Perry or Carrie Underwood would be selected as the Super Bowl XLIX halftime performer, it came as quite a shock this morning as it was announced that the halftime performer is not a living person, but a hologram. The Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee decided to spice things up a bit and use the modern technology of today by selecting a holographic image of none other than the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. The hologram of Jackson will be the star of the show, which will take place on February 1st at University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona, home of the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.

Holography is a modern-day technique that allows three-dimensional images to be projected by way of laser, interference, diffraction, light intensity, and virtual illumination. The final product is an image that seems to magically turn a picture into a living thing, in this case, Michael Jackson. Last May a hologram of Jackson was used at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, Nevada. The hologram and choreography took producers nearly a year of planning and technical work. The Super Bowl Host Committee conjured up the idea, and made it a priority to successfully follow through with, along with the assisting Billboard Music Award production team they plan (and guarantee) to do just that.

According to Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee chairman David Rousseau it was a cutting edge advancement in technology and entertainment that he believes needs to be embraced, offering NFL fans a halftime experience they would likely never forget.

“It was brought up in a meeting, seemingly as a joke by one of our staffers. In fact, it was such a ridiculous notion, that I ended up firing him for even mentioning it. Later that night, though, I went back and watched the Michael Jackson performance from the Billboard Music Awards, and I was amazed. It sent cold chills up my spine,” he said. “I even thought of calling up [the staffer] who suggested it and apologizing for laughing at his idea, but there really wasn’t time. The next morning we began to discuss it as if it were now a realistic idea to have a deceased legend perform. We got in touch with the team who designed the hologram for Billboard, and they were glad to do help.”

Several internet rumors have been spread over the last couple of weeks saying Katy Perry would grace the Super Bowl halftime stage this year, then rumors claiming it would actually be Carrie Underwood, who already has ties with the NFL from performing the Sunday Night Football intro and theme music, which is also broadcast by NBC.

“All nonsense, the rumors. We get that every year,” said Rousseau. “I even heard one about a mega-concert with people like Eminem and Roger Daltry and Marilyn Manson. I have no idea where these stories originate, but they’re always good for a laugh.”

Rousseau told the Associated Press that this would be the biggest halftime show production in history, and that it will put his committee on the map as one of the most successful planning committees in special event history.

“When this thing is over, the first question people will ask is when the Super Bowl is coming back to Arizona. I’m going to pull a Joe Namath and guarantee that right now, so mark it down,” said Rousseau. “There will be various acts which I cannot reveal at this time, to perform with Holo-Jackson, whom in their own right could handle the job themselves, putting the whole thing over the top with a massive bang, and then a grand-finale that I believe will be known in the future as the most exciting moment in live television history. What we have in store for the great football fans of America will have them gloating with American pride for weeks. Of course it will be a good game, but like most Super Bowls the game will be secondary to the halftime show and the commercials. You thought Janet’s t— were a big deal? Just wait!”

The 2015 Pro Bowl will also be played in Glendale one week before the Super Bowl on January 25th as an experiment by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell after being suggested the idea by Arizona Cardinals President Michael Bidwell. It is the first time since 1980 the Pro Bowl will not be played in Hawaii.