Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

Posted on December 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A mall Santa in Phoenix was taken into custody late last evening, after it was reported by several security guards that the man may be taking nude photographs of children visiting him.

The Santa, who told police that his real name was Chris Kringle, was allegedly in possession of dozens of naked photos of children, both boys and girls, all who were wearing elf hats and shoes.

“This self-proclaimed Santa is a dirty, disturbing pervert,” said Cpt. Scott Calvin of the Phoenix Police Department. “We received reports that he was storing photographs of naked children inside his little pretend house that the mall had set up for him just outside the food court. When we arrested Kringle, we did discover Polaroid photos of what appear to be very young children, between the ages of 6 and 11. Kringle is being charged with felony possession of pornography and endangering the welfare of a child.”

According to police reports, Kringle is claiming that he is entirely innocent, and that it’s all a big misunderstanding.

“Those are not pictures of children,” said Kringle during police questioning. “Those are elves. Yes, I know they look like children, but elves like to blend in with people, so that’s how they appear. But I promise you, the pictures are of people who are hundreds, some even thousands, of years old. I know I have a problem, but it’s not with looking at naked children. That’s disgusting. I love children. The only problem I have is that I’ve betrayed my wife, Mrs. Kringle-Claus. I owe her a massive apology, and I hope she will forgive me.”

Police are currently trying to identify the children in the photos, but so far have come up short. A lawyer for Kringle said that he is ‘working tirelessly’ to get the charges dropped before December 24th, when he says that Kringle will need to be out delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world.

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child’s Cell Phone

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

In another array of Kanye angst-laden turn of events, Hollywood Star Insider Weekly has confirmed, via Los Angeles County Court Clerk office records, that Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from her husband, rapper Kanye West.

According to reports, West allegedly snatched an 8-year-old boy’s cell phone and smashed it on the ground, accusing the boy of taking photographs of him and his wife while at a popular Los Angeles eatery earlier this week. It is assumed that witnesses of the incident were paid off and bound to legal secrecy.

According to Kim’s publicist, Marcella Thomas, Kim has had ‘as much as she could take’ of Kanye’s wild and moody toddler-like antics, and this recent outburst was the ‘final straw.’

“This morning I accompanied Kim to the Los Angeles County Clerks office where she officially filed for divorce,” said Thomas. “Thank God, too. As her publicist, do you know how often I had to be around Kanye? More than once, which is way more time than anyone should ever have to spend with Kanye. At any rate, no further statement regarding the matter is to be issued at this time, and we ask that all fans, here and abroad, respect this very difficult decision.”

Because of the media frenzy surrounding the announcement, Thomas said this was also the perfect time to take advantage of the free publicity, tas she revealed to HSIW that Kim has inked a deal with Calvin Klein to release a new men’s fragrance labeled ‘U-Mad, Bro?’

“I’m so glad that Kim is leaving that lunatic,” said Kardashian ‘superfan’ Maria Bulgara. “I mean, Kanye is okay to look at in certain light – like the kind of light that completely blocks out his face. The man has shown time and time again that he is mentally unstable. I don’t think I’m saying anything that anyone else doesn’t think as well. Also, I am sooo buying my boyfriend that U-Mad cologne for Christmas!”

“It’s about time Kanye ditched that trash anyway,” said West ‘superfan’ Joey Goldsmith. “That tramp, showing her ass all over the internet. I was sickened by all that cellulite! Kanye should go find a good woman, like Barbara Walters or something. Now there’s a chick who looks like she knows how to suck, if you know what I mean. Also, I swear if my bitch gets me any of that U-Mad cologne, I’m gonna throw it out the damn window.”

Kanye West has long been known for his public meltdowns, usually involving paparazzi. Two months ago, the hip-hop artist and producer threw his milkshake at a crying baby, claiming the child was “out of key and needed auto-tune.” However, Kanye immediately apologized, and invited the family to a local car dealership where he bought them a brand new Range Rover.

It is not clear who currently has custody of little North West, the couple’s child, but one thing is for certain, this evolving family drama has all the makings of a highly publicized and extremely drawn out celebrity divorce and custody battle. Empire News will be monitoring this national crisis as it unfolds.

Ferguson Protestors Blocking Streets Cause Death Of Young Child

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FERGUSON, Missouri –

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.

KFC Employee Kicks Child With Down Syndrome Out Of Restaurant, Says He Thought It Was Policy

Posted on October 25, 2014 by Chip

OAKSHARE, North Carolina –

This past Tuesday, Darnell Washington, a KFC employee in Oakshare, North Carolina forced Kaleb Brimmley, an 8-year-old boy suffering from Down Syndrome to leave the Oakshare KFC without finishing his food.

Darnell claims that he thought it was within the employee handbook to kick out any patrons that are disfigured or have any sort of affliction that could cause other restaurant goers distraction.

Darnell told the media: “I remember seeing something all over the internet a couple of months ago about a little disfigured girl getting kicked out of KFC, and assumed it was protocol. It’s not like I wanted to kick that boy out, it was awkward and I had to build up the courage to do it because I am a company man and wanted to demonstrate my ability to do the right thing.”

The incident Darnell references in which a disfigured girl was asked to leave a KFC due to her deformities being a distraction to other patrons has since been uncovered as a hoax.

It has been confirmed by his management team that Darnell did not solicit advice or direction from his supervisor before acting. “No, I never bothered to ask them. I wanted to step up and prove to my manager, Dave, that I have what it takes to be the next shift lead!”

Patrons dining at the popular chain restaurant that night claim that Kaleb was politely eating his chicken with what appeared to be his mother and grandmother, and was not doing anything to cause a scene. One patron told the media “The boy was not doing anything to distract the other guests; I mean it was obvious there was something different about him, you could tell, of course. I don’t think anyone even complained about it. Why would they? He was just eating his chicken, but I’m pretty sure that is what they want you to do there.”

“KFC loves all their patrons, and it is definitely not in our company policy to ask any patron to leave because of physical or mental deformity,” said Harland Sanders, CEO of KFC. “We have never done that. The young girl who made national news after supposedly being asked to leave has since been debunked as a hoax that went viral. I guess in the end, the lesson we should teach our employees is that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

It is unclear if this incident will result in Darnell’s employment at KFC to be terminated. It was reported that soon after the story broke and first received media attention, KFC’s Facebook profile was briefly changed to the “feeling annoyed” emoticon, however it hasn’t been confirmed that the status update was an acknowledgment of the incident.

Six-Year Old Steps On Crack, Breaks Mother’s Back

Posted on September 8, 2014 by DvanL

SALINA, Kansas –

First-grader Timothy Barton enjoys things that typical youngsters enjoy — playing with action figures, spending time with his older brother Tucker, and running around the house. When asked to name his favorite food, he enthusiastically replies “pizza!”

“He loves jumping,” says the six-year-old’s mother, Judy. He jumps on everything.” Barton, the mother of two young sons, is now confined to a hospital bed, recuperating from a spinal fracture suffered as a result of Timothy’s high-spiritedness. “He’s very energetic.”

Judy was practicing yoga when Timothy, just up from an afternoon nap, dashed from his bedroom to the kitchen for a snack. “I was on the living room floor and he ran right over my butt, and I heard a ‘pop.’ I knew something was wrong. I crawled to the phone and called 911.”

While Timothy was enjoying his snack, unaware that he had seriously injured his mother, EMT crews worked to stabilize Judy, who complained of dizziness and numbness in her legs and feet.

“She was going into shock,” said Midge Wood, emergency responder first to arrive on the scene. “I kept telling her to breathe. I kept telling her to stay alert. She did pretty well, considering.”

Fortunately for Judy, doctors say her back injury will not result in permanent damage.

“She got lucky,” said Dr. Heather Hammond, of the Salina Regional Health Center. “We took a series of x-rays, and did an MRI scan which revealed no permanent damage. She dislocated the LI vertebra in her lower back. There may be some temporary nerve damage and she’s going to need rest, and then physical therapy, but we’re confident she’ll be back on her feet very soon.”

Barton’s architect husband, Scott, rushed to his wife’s bedside upon hearing the news. “Judy called me and told me she was at the hospital and immediately I thought Timmy or our other son Tucker had hurt himself or banged his head or something. I didn’t expect this. He’s at that age you know, where he bangs into everything, he jumps off the bed pretending to be Superman, knocks things over – you know how kids are.”

“Mommy’s going to be in the hospital,” said Timothy. “Daddy’s going to stay home to take care of me and Tucker so Mommy can get better again and come home later. I got sad when she had to go to the hospital.”

“It’s just one of those things,” said Judy, as Timothy and brother Tucker jumped on the empty bed on the opposite side of the room. I’m pretty tough and I’ll bounce back from this like everything else,” she added. “Timmy-boy feels pretty bad, but I told him Mommy’s going to be all right, it was just an accident. The staff here has been super. They brought Timmy some pizza and gave the boys some hospital gowns and masks to wear, so we’ll be all right.”

Police Officer Suspended After Putting 3-Year-Old Toddler In Handcuffs

Posted on June 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

COVINGTON, Louisiana –

A veteran police officer has been suspended from duty this week after allegations that he handcuffed a 3-year-old toddler and put him in the back of a police car because he was “annoyed” with the child’s actions when responding to a domestic disturbance call at the home of the child’s mother.

Jennifer Goldsmith says that when officer Mark Deville showed up at her house after she called for police assistance, he immediately scolded her crying son, Joey, telling him to “shut the fuck up.” When Joey wouldn’t stop fussing, Deville allegedly handcuffed the child behind his back, picked him up, and brought him to his police cruiser.

Joey was left in the car for only about 10 minutes before Deville let him out, but Goldsmith says that her son was just upset because of a fight she had with her husband, Joseph Sr., and that he was scared because there was lots of yelling. According to police reports, the couple had physically hit each other several times, and had thrown pieces of furniture and empty liquor bottles across the room. Their young child was in the room the entire time.

“My husband and I may have been having some problems that upset my son, but that doesn’t excuse the actions that Officer Deville, or Officer Devil as we call him, took with my son,” Said Goldsmith. “He should be ashamed of himself for berating a small child, and treating him like a criminal. We are planning to sue the asses off him and the entire police department. No one handcuffs my child or tells him to ‘shut the fuck up’ except for me or his father.”

After the story broke in a local newspaper, The Covington Herald, on Wednesday of this week, police chief Michael Horgan immediately suspended Deville while they look to investigate his actions.

“Officer Deville is a decorated marine, who has been on our police force for over two decades,” Said Chief Horgan. “He’s only had 6 or 7 complaints of brutality in that time period, and only 2 other suspensions for complaints against him, which is the fewest of any of the officers under my command. I will be investigating the matter personally, but I can tell you right now that even if [Mark] did handcuff the kid, the boy probably deserved it. Kids are a real pain in the ass sometimes, ya know?”

“Some kids, they just need a stern hand,” Said Deville when questioned about the incident. “Obviously his parents couldn’t handle him, so yeah, I put him in my cruiser. I didn’t use the zipties on him or anything for crying out loud. I just used regular old fashioned handcuffs, and the kid slipped out of them in about two seconds because he has tiny toddler wrists. That’s the reason I ended up bringing him to my car. Incidentally, he stopped crying while he was out there. Probably because he didn’t have to look at his mom’s bitch face anymore.”

Both parents were arrested for domestic battery that evening, and their son spent the night with his grandmother.

Representatives at the Policemen’s Benevolent Association, the union that represents Deville, had no comment on the case. Deville himself is scheduled to appear before the policeman’s board on Monday to explain and defend his actions.