Robert Englund Signs On To Reprise Role as Freddy In ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’ Reboot

a-nightmare-on-elm-street-1984-movie-still-robert-englund-as-freddy-kruger

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

The internet has been abuzz this week with news of New Line Cinema’s reboot of the famous Nightmare on Elm Street series, but one common thread among fans was that they desperately wanted to see horror icon Robert Englund return to reprise the role. According to reports coming directly from New Line Cinema, there is reason for fans to rejoice. Englund has reportedly signed on for a 3-picture deal to return to the silver screen as Freddy Krueger.

“We are so glad that Robert will be back to play Freddy,” said New Line CEO Bob Whomever. “In 2010, we made a new Nightmare film starring someone…I don’t even remember who, but the gist is, fans hated it. They hated him, and they wanted Robert back behind the makeup. Thankfully, that’s not even necessary anymore, as Robert is pushing 80 or whatever, and frankly, he looks just like Kruger did even without the makeup. It’s going to be great.”

Fans have already been rabidly posting to social media websites to show their support for New Line’s wise decision in bringing back their star.

“Frankly, I was pretty well bullshit when I saw that they were rebooting the series again,” said horror fan Ricky Shore. “I mean, the remake sucked, and it is best left forgotten. Technically speaking, even the original isn’t that great, but I have fond memories of it, and I don’t need it to be ruined by Hollywood. They’ve fucked up enough of my childhood, thank you very much.”

In a year filled with sequels, reboots, re-hashings, spin-offs, prequels, and TV shows turned cinema staples, it’s no wonder that New Line is cashing in on the only franchise to over make them real studio money.

“We are so excited to get underway with this project,” said Whomever. “We don’t have a script or a story idea or any of that, but it really doesn’t matter. Wes [Craven] isn’t coming back anyway, and he was the real voice of this series, so we’re just going to pump out some shit, and we know you’ll go see it, and we thank you in advance for it.”

“Frankly, I’m just glad to be doing a film that won’t go straight to DVD,” said Englund, 68. “Its been really hard for me to shake my legacy, to ditch that Freddy character. I’ve done hundreds of films, and they’ve all been pretty well useless, except for this series. Thank God for Nightmare, really. It’s kept me feeling important and useful for all these years, and the fans are just perfect. Here’s hoping that we don’t fuck this up, but if we do, blame New Line. It was there stupid idea in the first place.”

Several Movie Theaters Begin Showing TV Broadcasts To Boost Revenue

Several Movie Theaters Begin Showing Live TV Broadcasts To Boost Revenue

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In hopes of competing with the growing trend of watching movies and TV at home via streaming services and DVDs, several small, independent movie theatres are now trying a drastic change in programming to get people through the door.

“Yup, we’re airing TV shows now every day during the day,” said theater owner Marlon Jones of Los Angeles. “It used to be that we packed the auditoriums every night, especially on weekends, and we made tons of money. Now it seems people would rather stay home and watch TV shows or Netflix series. We need to change with the times.”

Jones says he decided to start showing TV series and Netflix originals a few months ago, and his first go-round was with Daredevil, the new series that was just released to Netflix.

“We had tons of people flocking in to watch that on the big screen,” said Jones. “That show is very impressive, and no doubt plenty of people watched it at home on their big screens, but it’s nothing like seeing it on a screen of this size.”

Jones says that he is preparing to exhibit other programs as well, including daytime talk shows and TV soaps.

“I know it will be weird seeing Ellen on the big screen again, since she hasn’t made a movie in 20 years, but it will also be fun,” said Jones. “I’ll get all the old biddies in here to watch Ellen or The View or whatever. They’ll pay for it, no doubt about it. It’s the experience, after all.”

Jones says that he will continue to air these TV shows in his theater until he is told to stop by the networks.

“Oh, I definitely didn’t ask for permission. God no. They’d want money, and they don’t need it. I need it. It’s all for the greater good,” said Jones.

‘Fast And Furious 8’ To Feature Entirely CGI-Created Paul Walker

'Fast And Furious 8' To Feature Entirely CGI-Created Paul Walker

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

After bringing in over $200 million in domestic box office grosses in just over 2 weeks, and over a billion dollars worldwide, it was a no-brainer that the Fast and Furious franchise would continue after the success of the latest film, Furious 7. The movie, released April 3rd, marked the final installment in the series for Paul Walker, who played ex-police officer Brian O’Conner, when he died during filming of the movie in November of 2013.

The latest film gives a peaceful and loving tribute to the man who, by all accounts, was as much a loving family man off-screen as he was on. The ending of the movie has caused fans to shed more than a few tears, and that’s why it was with great amazement and surprise that the studio announced that the as-yet-untitled 8th film in the series, was set to star Paul Walker again – this time in a completely CGI-created way.

“Paul died during the filming of the seventh film, and we were able to finish his scenes using stand-ins with CGI-matted faces and voices taken from previous and other films,” said film producer Joe Goldsmith. “When we saw how great it came out, it became obvious that we could keep Paul alive in the next movie, via complete CGI.”

Many fans are saying that they think it’s a great idea, and that it will be nice to see Walker in another film, despite his untimely death.

“I think it’s an awesome idea,” said one fan on Twitter, who goes by the name @FaFFan4Eva. “I love Paul, and I’m glad he continue on. Vin Diesel says Paul always wanted at least 8 movies, so now there can be one! Also, now we can get other dead stars back in movies, too!”

Although no script has been written and no official announcement made for initial filming, producers are confident that the next Fast film will be the biggest yet.

“If you thought people came in droves to see our goodbye to Paul,” said Goldsmith. “just wait until you see them show up for his resurrection!”

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves ‘Wonder Woman’ Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves 'Wonder Woman' Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Film director Michelle MacLaren has reportedly parted ways with the studio over creative differences on the film Wonder Woman. As the studio scrambles to find another director to replace her, executives at Marvel say they are ‘so glad’ that they can put a man at the helm now.

“Basically, what’s happened is that we’ve shown that a woman cannot handle a film of this magnitude, with a character this iconic,” said a Marvel executive, speaking anoymously. “We always wanted a man to be in place as director, because – well, men can do this job, and women can’t. Which should be obvious by the extremely small list of female directors that there are period, let alone the number who have successful careers or Oscar wins.”

According to insider reports, the studio is hoping to be able to get someone for ‘cheap money,’ but that can accomplish the job in the ‘way that they wish.’ Names that have been thrown around so far include indie horror director David Robert Miller, whose current film It Follows is generating tons of buzz, as well as former directing superstar Spike Lee.

“The problem with those guys, though, is really just a matter of preference. Miller could do it, but he’s hot right now, It Follows is destroying critic expectations and is making huge money on a nothing budget – so he could ask for more money than we feel like paying,” said the executive. “Spike Lee – well, he’s a guy, yeah, and that’s what we want, but he’s also a little ‘too black,’ if you know what I mean. I mean I’m cool with black people, but he’s like, extra black. And his movies, they sound a little too ethnic for a comic book movie.”

Until the film has another director, production will presumably be put on hold. The film is not slated for release until 2017.

Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood was all a buzz yesterday with the announcement that singers and friends Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga have signed a deal for an upcoming motion picture. The film Crooner And Legs will be a buddy cop movie, and filming will begin in late spring. 

“I’m very excited, I love buddy cop movies,” said Tony Bennett, 88. ”I can’t give too much away about the script but I play a Detective one week away from retirement, trying to solve one last big case. It’s going to be great working with Gaga, she’s a great friend and a great talent. Whenever I work with Gaga, I feel 70 years younger. She’s truly a special person.”

 “Tony and I are like soul mates,” said Lady Gaga, age 29. ”In the movie I play an ex-Rockette turned cop. Except for the special effects, stunt doubles, and shoot outs, the movie will be like real life, Tony and I singing to each other. This movie will be magical. Tony at the end of a long successful career and me at the start of one.

”The script was written for Kanye West and Paul McCarthy,” said Ira Goldstein, Executive Producer. “Kanye was insisting on an Oscar before he signed a contract. I tried explaining to him that’s not how it works, but he called me a racist and backed out of the deal. I’m happy we were able to Tony and Gaga, their on screen chemistry will make this movie a hit.”

“ He’s old as all hell and half the time I’m not sure she’s even a woman,” said film critic Carmine Classi. ”This movie has train wreck written all over it.”

 

Hollywood Looking For More True Stories to Fit Existing Scripts

Hollywood Looking For More True Stories to Fit Existing Scripts

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Big players in Hollywood are reportedly scouring the country for true stories which they can fit to the plots of scripts they have approved for production. Hundreds of movies have been stalled in the pipeline by the lax scouting that has characterised the industry of late, leading to many movies losing that powerful inspiration that “based on a true story” movies have.

“A lot of films have lost out because we haven’t put enough effort into this,” said Paul Matfield, a director contracted to Warner Brothers Studios. “I heard that Focus, in particular, was meant to be based around real life conmen, but in the end they didn’t have time to find someone in jail or someone reformed who was charismatic enough for his Wikipedia page to fit the bill.”

According to industry insiders, plots waiting for real people include James Bond style secret agent films, tear-jerking dramas about mothers who lost a child, heroic animals who saved their human masters in extreme conditions, and sports stories about a team that won against all the odds.

“They don’t have to be exact, we just need people, groups and tragedies which have similar superficial details that your average man won’t look past. It was particularly tragic that they had no one to base Birdman on. Also, Cake could surely have found a crash victim to fit to Jennifer Aniston’s character.”

A source from one big studio, revealed that recent events will, indeed, give inspiration to many when matched with a plot.

“That Germanwings crash that just happened goes really well with a tragic drama about a suicidal pilot that we’ve had for over a decade. Israel’s Gaza war in 2014 already has many long awaited political dramas in the works. Now we’re just waiting for a major terror attack in a Western nation, that will lead directly to some sure crowd favorites and award winners.”

New Film Features Crossover Between ‘The Hangover,’ ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’

New Film Features Crossover Between 'The Hangover,' 'Nightmare on Elm Street'

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

It’s a crossover that no one expected but everyone is raving about – ‘The Hangover,’ directed by Todd Phillips, and ‘Nightmare on Elm Street,’ directed by Wes Craven, come together as the two great minds collaborate on ‘Hangover on Elm Street.’

Canonically, the film is removed from both preceding series, meaning it is meant to be taken as an entirely standalone story. Familiar faces from both films are expected to appear: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifinakis, and Justin Bartha, as well as the legendary and the apparently immortal Robert Englund, better known as Freddy Krueger, whose career has shown no signs of slowing since 1974.

While not many details have been leaked, as the film is still in the midst of production, the plot appears to lean heavily toward the horror original. It may involve just about everyone passing out drunk after an epic bachelor party, and falling victim to Krueger’s claws in an almost satirically cheesy manner similar to the original ‘Nightmare on Elm Street.’ Ken Jeong as Mr. Chow is expected to make an appearance, doing something racist and drug related, and then promptly dying.

In order to attract the greatest male audience, most of the female roles have been re-casted with much younger actresses. Craven and Phillips fully intend to imbue the same or better sexual content in the new film.

Initial responses to the film have been varied, some citing it as a possible “bad sequel” to the legendary classic art film and the lesser but still noteworthy horror flick. The idea seems to be warming, though, as fans from both sides realize that compared to most recent films, it would take serious effort for this to look like anything other than gold.

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Hollywood has issued a surprising statement, informing of their intention to stop fighting piracy. Instead, they will embrace the means available, and release new movies directly to ThePirateBay (TPB), and other torrent or peer-to-peer networks. This move was not only unexpected, but un-thought of, according to experts in the industry.

“I can’t believe that everyone agreed to this,” said Bernie Ackerman. “ Seriously, to get people in Hollywood to agree on what to eat for lunch is hard enough.”

Richard Gansit explained some of the implications of the move.

“This drastic decision will impact the income of millions of individuals, as well as bring many big companies to the ground. The only beneficiaries I can think of are those too cheap to spend a few dollars on a movie ticket,” said Gansit. “Free media is the death of industries. Look at the music industry. Ever since tape dubbing became a thing, the sales of albums have dropped year over year. It’s insane.”

Production companies may be the hardest hit, seeing as features which previously would have been produced for the big screen, will now mostly be streaming or downloaded to home devices.

“They’ve ruined us,” said OneProduction’s Robert Milton. “They’ve destroyed our prospects, and in turn, the lives of our families, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to be associated with us. I guess it’s par for the course with Hollywood executives, anyway.”

Reception from hackers was similarly negative. The general sentiment seems to be one of suspicion, that some money-making plan is behind it all.

“I can’t believe TBP’s agreed to this,” said one loyalist. “I always thought they worked for us, for the common man, but now it comes out that they’re just in it for the money. I don’t know what Hollywood has offered them, but it can’t be enough to justify selling their souls.”

The vast majority of the general public, however, were indifferent, with their stance being that nothing has changed.

“I’ve been downloading movies from piratebay for years now,” said Henry Morris. “I’ll continue doing that as long as there are good quality movies for me to grab. The fact that Hollywood will be releasing films directly to the site seems like a great idea – every movie will be a pristine copy, and I’ll never have to deal with a cam version where I can hear people coughing and talking in the theatre. I download movies to get away from that shit. But, whether it’s criminals uploading or Hollywood uploading, and whether someone else is making money, who cares? I’m still getting it for free, aren’t I?”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Not a Fan of ‘American Sniper’

Iran’s Supreme Leader Not a Fan of ‘American Sniper’

TEHRAN, Iran – 

Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has spoken out against critically acclaimed film, American Sniper, saying that he is “not a fan.” The screenplay, which portrays a real-life US soldier who killed 160 ‘enemies’, struck a nerve with the spiritual head of the Islamic country.

“The dialogue is poorly written, and some of the secondary cast is very poorly chosen,” Khamenei told TMZ. “In addition, the soundtrack does not do the visuals justice.”

Some have criticized the film for portraying Islamic people as ‘uncivilised’ and the conflict as ‘simplistic’, but the supreme leader’s criticisms have gone far beyond what he calls “possible thematic inaccuracies”, sparking a feud with director and producer, Clint Eastwood. “What bothers me most is the way the camera angles make the action look contrived, bastardized to resemble any other Hollywood action movie,” he added.

Eastwood, who reminded us that he is the man responsible for the highest-grossing war film in history, hit back at Khamenei’s comments, saying, “Who is he to judge? I’ve seen his work. [1991 Iranian drama] Mother totally sucked – yes, it wasn’t Hollywood-ised, and it was gritty and moving, but it hardly had a budget, and some of the actors were clearly amateur and didn’t even speak English!”

After half an hour of Googling the Ayatollah’s filmography, we managed to track down the movie in question, and found it to be attributed to Iranian director Ali Hatami, and not Khamenei, to whom Eastwood inaccurately credited it.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, publicly disagreed with the supreme leader, simply saying, “Eastwood is legendary. Don’t f*** with him.”

Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series

 

Lindsay Lohan's Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

After only a short time following the Super Bowl ad staring Lindsey Lohan, Esurance released a statement saying their sales are through the roof. The company noted that there have never been more customers claiming to be brought in by a single commercial as much as that of the one the company aired featuring Lohan.

“I don’t really know what to make of it,” said Head of Marketing, Jonathan Freidder. “The commercial was created in about a day. It is not like we had a plan of making an inspirational tale or something. It was a goof on her celebrity personality.”

Apparently, the joke is on Esurance, as hundreds of thousands of individuals have claimed to be so moved by Lohan’s performance that they canceled other insurance plans to switch over. Some even claimed to have taken on hefty penalties just to move over to Esurance.

“Cost me $835 to drop Geico and switch to Esurance,” said auto owner Ricky Tedesco. “Totally worth it. Lohan was awesome in the Super Bowl ad. I mean, honestly, she’s pretty awesome in everything. You ever seen Herbie Fully Loaded? Oh man, so hot.”

“At first I thought it was a joke. But apparently people really fell in love with the character,” said Freidder. “I wish I could point to what made it so successful, but quite frankly I’m miffed. We got Lindsay because she needed community service time served, and our commercial falls under some technical loophole. That was as far as we looked into it. I mean, you get Lohan for pennies on the dollar, and you bang out a commercial in a couple hours.”

Regardless of the intent, it is clear America has once again fallen in love with the former child star. There are already talks of a TV series based on the character she played in the commercial, ‘Sorta Mom,’ as well as an animated series, reportedly being courted by Cartoon Network. Reps have stated that Lohan’s voice “…carries the kind of melodic quality that is so very hard to find.”

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