Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Georgia –

29-year-old Paul Hunter now finds himself imprisoned after killing the family dog in a fit of rage. Paul says the dog got into his bedroom and chewed a binder full of rare Magic the Gathering Cards, worth thousands of dollars.

“Of course Shadow didn’t touch the binder full of more common rares. He went right for my foil Mox Ruby. I had a plateau, limited edition, Ancestral Recall. When I saw they were all chewed up, I just blacked out.”

Hunter’s stepfather, Matt Smith called police after tackling Hunter and prying a metal bat from hands.

“Sick kid was basing my dog’s brains out. I couldn’t believe it. I told his mother he needed to get the hell out of the house, but of course she couldn’t make him leave- or even get a steady job for that matter. He had delusions about going pro-nerd or something. Never was gonna happen.”

Hunter explains his actions. “They were not just cards! It was not just some baseball collection. It was my future. I’ve won a bunch of tournaments at Spellbound. I was just waiting to win a qualifier, and I was going pro. Traveling the pro-circle was going to be my career. I was going to see the world. With Magic you gotta pay to play, though, so without those cards in my arsenal, I was screwed.”

Hunter now finds himself even more screwed, facing up to two years in prison, without a soft place to land whenever he does get out. Stepfather, Matt says, “No way that psycho’s coming back into my house after this one. He’s lucky his mother even comes to visit him.”

Bill Gates To Appear On Next Season of ABC Show ‘Shark Tank’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Although they had tried to keep the news quiet, ABC recently confirmed rumors that the world’s richest man, Bill Gates, the former chairman of Microsoft Computers, would be a guest on their hit TV series Shark Tank.

“We are super, super excited to get Bill Gates onto our show,” said producer Ryan Miller. “He’s the richest man in the world, worth over $52 billion dollars. He could theoretically invest in any product that comes his way, and whether it’s a winner or a loser, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest – he’d still be the richest man in the world.”

Fans of the show they are very excited to see Gates on the series, as he is well known for his extreme generosity when it comes to charities and investments.

“It’s going to be so cool! I hope he invests in everything,” said fan Marsha Tyler on the Shark Tank Facebook page. “He’s literally the American dream – build something, steal some things, drop out of college, and burn your way to the top. It’s amazing!”

Several people, though, are not as enthusiastic about Gates coming onto the show – the current panel of “Shark” Investors.

Marc Cuban, who is the only billionaire sitting regularly on the panel, says there is already animosity towards him because he is more wealthy than all the other sharks – combined.

“They already hate me because I make great business decisions, and I’m worth more money than all of them together,” Said Cuban. “Personally, I appreciate when others have success, even if it’s more success than me. I’m super happy to have Bill come on the show – but I know the others will be insanely jealous. Even the super-rich get jealous of those that have more than they do.”

Other guests on the show have included comedian and entrepreneur Jeff Foxworthy, who has an estimated net worth of $100 million, and GoPro Camera inventor Nicholas Woodman, who is the wealthiest investor to appear on the show so far, worth over $3.5 billion. Mark Cuban is worth an estimated $2.7 billion.

Bill Gates says he is “excited” to be on the show, but doesn’t know what he is looking to invest in, but hopes that at least one of the companies has created a new, better prophylactic.

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

New Jay-Z Streaming Service ‘Tidal’ to Fulfill Goal of Making More Money for Jay-Z

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

New music service, Tidal, has prided itself as being the first artist owned music streaming service. Sean “Jay-Z” Carter is the most prominent name on the list of owners, and reportedly the man who brought the service to popularity amongst other performers. The goal of the service is to make more money for Jay-Z and his brand.

“I make music. I love music. I make money. I love money,” said Jay-Z. “Therefore it makes sense to use this excellent service to pursue those things I love.”

Other names signed on as owners include Carter’s wife Beyonce, Rihanna, Kanye West and Madonna. And although their goals differ slightly from Carter’s, they’re all in it for a similar reason.

“I want to make money for Kanye West,” West is quoted as saying.

“I intend to make more millions for my brand,” Rihanna stated.

“Madonna needs more money. Madonna will get more money,” said Madonna.

Fans of the artists have announced that they are ready and willing to give their money to their favorite celebrities.

“I love giving money to Beyonce,” said fan Halle Coozen. “I’m always looking for new ways to do so, and this is just perfect. Just perfect!”

But cynics are criticizing Carter and company, saying that there are already enough ways to give them money, and Tidal will only detract from the integrity of those mediums.

“iTunes is a great way to pay artists and their labels,” said analyst Mansford Manfred. “I just think Tidal will mean that money that would be going through that channel will be channeled differently. It’s confusing for me. And I don’t want that to compromise my ability to pay the stars I love!”

Fast Food Giant McDonald’s To Begin Selling Weed In Colorado, Washington

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TACOMA, Washington –

Fast food chain McDonald’s has become the first franchise in its industry to announce its intention to sell weed in outlets across the country. The corporation will apparently begin this new phase in Colorado and Washington, where recreational use of the substance is legal.

“We’ll be stocking over 20 different strains, which is I’m sure very exciting for the public. It will also come in different forms, i.e. joints as well as cooked into certain meals,” head of operations for McDonald’s in Washington told the press. “There’ll of course be conditions attached so as the service is not abused by our customers. For example, the classic marijuana brownies will only be available as part of what we are calling a ‘Super-happy Meal’. Also, blunts will only be sold to those who take advantage of our new-look loyalty cards, available now at a store near you.”

Conservatives around America have condemned McDonald’s, stating that they are using a “legalization which is already killing our country to be even more acceptable and accessible. Now, not only will their food be causing obesity and heart attacks, it will be leading consumers to make irresponsible and impulsive decisions.”

The nation’s stoners have come out in vast numbers in support of the venture.

“Dude, that’s so cool,” said some guy when we informed him of the development. “Now we can get our weed and munchies at the same place and time. That’s one less trip we’ll have to make, one less time we’ll have to leave the basement.”

A few, however, have not been so ‘chilled’.

“Oh God,” said Victor Hashwood. “Now there’s gonna be all sorts of dilettante thinking they’re all cool just because they got weed at McDonald’s. Those sorta dudes don’t even care about the cause. They don’t care about the lifestyle. They just want instant gratification.”

When asked his opinion on how marijuana sales could be regulated to curb this problem, Hashwood looked at us with glazed eyes and said, “Huh?” He then passed his joint to our reporter, who chose to end the interview in a deep discussion about the meaning of existence.

Amazon Unveils ‘Amazon Crime’ Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

SACRAMENTO, California –

Amazon’s newest innovation is set to open its doors next month. Meet “Amazon Crime,” a service that provides much needed mediation for black market products and exchanges.

“The problem with the black market is that you have no security. You don’t know if you’re getting the drugs or weapons people say you are, and on the other side you don’t know if your buyer is going to pay you or shank you,” Amazon’s CEO explained in an interview. “Amazon Crime fixes that.”

Early previews of the platform are promising. Some features from Amazon’s existing marketplace will make their way into the service in the future, for example assassinations fulfilled by Amazon, free two-day shipping on human trafficking, and more.

“By providing a central, secure place for illegal activity, we hope to bring these products and services to the common middle-class family – not just impoverished people, neglected inner city children, and so forth,” an Amazon representative said in a press conference.

Many criminals have expressed their excitement for this platform, finally able to reach a global audience with their products and services.

“I feel like I’ll finally be able to start my career instead of just doing odd jobs here and there,” Trevor, a 24-year-old aspiring bank robber, shared with us.

Some of the more interesting categories expected to appear on the site include: prostitution, money laundering services, stolen government files, web attack bots, and chemicals. Amazon is also expecting to push out a new device, the Amazon Swindle, which is a combined criminal manual and pocket device to help the average user secure money from stolen credit cards.

According to the CEO, Amazon’s biggest challenge has been finding reliable suppliers. They have posted a number of job openings on their main website to recruit informants, writers, and other employees to help establish a unique but wholesome experience.

U.S. Prisons to Offer Retirement Pension to Inmates With Good Behavior

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

With a federal law enacted last week, all prisons in the United States are now required to offer what is being called a “compensation pension” to inmates who get out on good behavior.

Under this law, any prisoner whose total sentence was reduced by at least 25% due to good behavior is entitled to a retirement pension of $10,000 per year. Lawmakers are hopeful that this will accomplish a few key goals:

First, prisoners will strive for good behavior overall, reducing the need for as much inmate health care, security, and other costs. Secondly, more prisoners will get out sooner, freeing up space for other criminals. Finally, and most importantly, released prisoners will be able to confidently readjust to society.

“What we see with ex-cons is that they can’t get a good enough job to save for retirement, and they start getting hopeless when they realize that. So they end up right back in prison,” a representative from Auburn Prison told us in an interview.

Auburn Prison, located in Auburn, New York, was instrumental in testing the success of this law in its early stages.

“It wasn’t an overnight decision – we had to help prove that it would work,” the same representative said. “9 out of 10 released convicts stayed out. I’d say it works!”

Aside from freeing up resources immediately, the program also prevents later expenses from returning convicts. Since the program still draws on taxpayer money, taxes are expected to double within the next ten years to compensate for the change.

“We’re also hopeful that this will open up some new career paths for people,” one of the key lawmakers stated. “People can drop out of school, live exciting lives of crime, go to prison for twenty or thirty years, and then come out to a nice pension waiting for them. Some people are just cut out for that kind of life, and this makes it more viable.”

Talks are in progress to follow up with a law prohibiting life sentences to capitalize on the new program.

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

“We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

Posted on February 9, 2015 by katy_rev

CHICAGO, Illinois –

In the past week, residents of Chicago have found a total of 3 gym bags filled with money. The bags were placed in different spots around the city, and so far residents, as well as local officials, are at a loss for where the money is coming from.

The first bag, found by Charles Gordon, 28, contained over $35,000. It was simply left under a bench on a bus stop.

“Craziest thing that ever happened to me,” said Gordon, a fitness instructor. “Thing of it was, I never would have found it if my car hadn’t broken down that day. There I was, cursing my crappy life, and I find a bag with enough money to be a new car. Heck, two new cars if I wanted!”

The second bag, found hanging in a tree in a downtown-area park, contained over $80,000. The third, which contained an astounding $200,000 was found on a school playground.

“The bag was on the top of a slide, but the ladder was removed,” said the lucky finder, who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw the bag sitting up there when I was, uh, well. You know, I don’t really have a good explanation for why I was at an elementary school in the middle of the day. But screw you, I don’t need an explanation, now. I’m rich! It did take me almost an hour to climb up the slide from the wrong side, though. Damn, those things are slippery.”

Inside each bag is a short, hand-written note. All three have had the same message: ‘There will be more. Look for it. Be ready.’

Residents of Chicago are now on a wild scavenger hunt. People are running on the streets with shovels, ladders, and binoculars. Sadly, many area also carrying knifes, baseball bats, lead pipes, and other weapons. Some incidents of violence have already occurred, including yesterday when two men and a woman got into a fight after they all noticed a bag in front of a supermarket. It turned out the bag belonged to a tourist who wanted to buy beers in the shop and left his luggage outside. All 3 were taken to local hospitals and treated for minor injuries, and later arrested for assault.

Now, it also seems that fake bags are being placed around the city as gags. “I found a gym bag yesterday and I was so happy, but then I opened it and found a little, creepy clown toy inside of it, not money,” says Sara Moore, a resident of Chicago. “It seems that someone is trying to trick us. I just wanted some money, damnit!” Other residents have reported that they have found bags containing monopoly money, discarded porno magazines, used underwear, and human hair.

Authorities are asking residents to remain reasonable when seeking out these large sums of cash, and to please take care of each other’s safety.

Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg spoke Tuesday at a press conference about the future of his brainchild social networking giant. Zuckerberg’s ideas came as a great shock to the audience of reporters, who were expecting a minimal change like switching the dull and in-need-of-replacement color scheme. Instead, it was announced that as of August 1st, 2015, all new Facebook posts will be under a restrictive 175 character limit.

The current limit is a mere 63,206 characters per post, which allows for users to write anything from a brief status to an excessively long piece of dry literature. Facebook had received many complaints recently about unnecessarily long posts that slowed down the social networking experience and annoyed multiple users.

Another reason behind the upcoming change is Zuckerberg’s concern with the welfare of many of Facebook’s teen users.

“With the new character restriction in place, we hope to preserve young lives that shouldn’t be destroyed simply because Janie said something about Sallie’s ex,” Zuckerberg remarked. “A large percentage of dangerous and life-threatening teen drama gets started and is antagonized on Facebook. With the character restriction, hate posts and threat posts can be diminished in their size and severity. 175 characters is more than enough to get your point across, while still being better than Twitter’s 140. We always want to be better than Twitter.”

As for Messenger, Zuckerberg also has a plan. “Before 2016, I plan on imposing a similar or equal restriction for Messenger, as well as a screening of all messages sent through Messenger with hopes of preventing tragedies caused by teen drama.”

Zuckerberg plans to receive much harsh criticism around his restrictive decision, but sees that the change will be worthwhile without being much of a detriment to his finances. “I’m already the 11th richest bastard in America. Why would I even blink if I lost a billion dollars?”

Lisa Evans, a reporter at the press conference, gave her two cents about the issue in her own lengthy Facebook post. “All our freedoms are being taken away. Even Facebook is restricting our freedoms of speech and expression. Sure, it will save some lives and speed things up a bit, but Facebook’s members may not be willing to make this change,” Evans said.