U.S. Postal Service Says They Are Closing After 2015 Holiday Season

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After many years of floundering and struggling to make ends meet with a fast-dropping budget, the United States Postal Service say that they will be closing completely after the 2015 holiday.

“There are other companies who do what we do, but they do it faster, cheaper, and better,” said USPS Postmaster General Marge Lampoon. “Between UPS, FedEx, and – of course – email, we cannot compete any longer. It’s a sad day, for sure, but people have been doing without us for years. We think that they will be okay.”

The USPS says that they will be staying open through the holiday season, but that times for delivery will be much slower.

“We’re starting to cut back immediately, so there will be less delivery drivers, less people to sort, etcetera,” said Lampoon. “If you normally get your mail by 3pm each day, you may find you’re not getting it until 10 or 11am the following day. We urge you to not use our service at all if you need to get your package somewhere quickly. If it’s not time-sensitive, by all means! We’d love to still send it along for you.”

“It’s too bad, really, that they’re closing. I have all these Goddamn ‘forever stamps’ that, I guess, I don’t need,” said former USPS customer Mark Clemons. “I’m wondering now, actually, if I can sue them for false advertising. I mean, I just bought these things two weeks ago. I don’t consider two weeks forever. Ah, the hell with them.”

American Airlines, Delta To No Longer Allow Young Children To Fly

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

If you have a family with young children, you may soon find yourself having to drive to your favorite vacation destinations. American Airlines, Delta, United, and several other airlines announced yesterday that they would no longer be allowing children under the age of 6 on any flights, domestic or international.

“Airlines have always, without fail, been about making money, and ignoring comfort,” said United Airlines representative Michael Thomas. “Children paid less for tickets than adults, and they take up seats that could go for other travellers. Not to mention that no one wants to fly with cranky, pain-in-the-ass children. If they know that there won’t be any on a flight, then they’ll be willing to pay more for their seats.”

It’s a rarity in business these days for any company to be so candid about their motives, especially when those motives are driven by nothing but profit, but Thomas says that airlines have never hidden behind any walls when it comes to profits.

“Years ago, you could smoke on airplanes. Not anymore, and that’s nothing to do with FAA regulations, that’s simply to do with being able to charge more now because non-smokers will pay more knowing they don’t have to deal with it,” said Thomas. “Not to mention the problems with legroom and spacing. We could easily remove just one row of seats on any aircraft, and space the seats out, giving everyone several inches more in legroom. Screw that, though. Airlines have monopoly on travel, because what else is there? You’re not taking a train or something. Who the hell takes a train anymore? You’re stuck with us.”

IRS Moves Tax Deadline To January 14th

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you’re one of those people who likes to wait until the last possible minute to file your taxes each year, 2016 may be the hardest year for you yet. According to an official statement released by the IRS this morning, the tax deadline for filing – which has long been April 15th, has been pushed back to January 14th.

“Each year, people complain about the long wait times in receiving a refund, and it really backs us up,” said IRS spokesman Mike Rotunda. “We’re trying to pay out at the same time as we’re taking in millions of tax forms. We decided to move the date, because this way, everyone can get their money in a timely fashion.”

Rotunda says that each year, more and more people were waiting until the deadline date to file, but would still complain about delays in receiving refunds. With the date being moved to January, it gives everyone two weeks from the new year to file, which Rotunda says will help to get refunds into people’s hands months earlier.

“In the previous model, if you filed on, say, April 1st, you wouldn’t get your money until sometime in May, usually,” said Rotunda. “Now that everyone will be forced to file by January 14th, you’ll get your money by February, and that’s a win-win.”

Rotunda says that despite the claims of quicker payouts, 2016 will be a “trial year,” and that many people may not get their refunds until July or August, while the agency “works out the kinks.”

Woman Uses Hologram Technology To Have Dead Father Walk Her Down Wedding Aisle

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada –

A Montreal woman used some amazing technology last weekend to make sure that she would have the dream wedding that she’d always imagined.

Mariah Johnson, 30, married her longtime boyfriend, James, in a ceremony in Montreal last weekend. What normally would have been a very nice, quiet ceremony was made into a media event when Mariah surprised everyone by having a hologram of her father walk her down the aisle.

“My father, Joseph, God rest his soul, died when I was 19,” said Johnson, an advertising executive. “My entire adult life, I’ve wished that my dad would be there to walk me down the aisle, but I knew it would never be. Then, a couple years ago, something crazy happened, and I set a major plan into action.”

The ‘something crazy’ that Johnson referred to was the 2Pac performance at Coachella in 2013. The long-dead rapper appeared as a hologram, and went on stage to ‘perform’ with other major stars at the event, including Eminem.

“I am a big fan of rap music, especially 2Pac, and that hologram got me thinking,” said Johnson. “If they could put on a big performance with sound and dancing, I could definitely got a hologram of dad for my wedding.”

Johnson said that she contacted several hologram companies throughout the US and Canada until she found one that she was happy with. The total cost? Approximately a quarter of a million dollars.

“I know that even with my good job, this wedding has put us in debt for the next 17 years, but that’s okay. Dad was there, and it was great,” said Johnson. “If only the digital tears we programmed were real, so I could have wiped them away and told him not to worry about me. James will take care of me. But somehow, I think hologram Daddy knows that.”

Zuckerberg: ‘Dislike’ Button Will Not Be Enabled On Posts By Companies That Buy Ads On Facebook

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUPERTINO, California –

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, announced recently that the company would finally release a ‘dislike’ button on the giant social media platform, which they hoped would allow for a sort of “empathy” option for people to choose on statuses that might not quite be appropriate to ‘like.’

One of the biggest concerns from major companies, who spend millions of dollars advertising on Facebook, was that too many people might just randomly click ‘dislike’ on their posts, hurting their reputation. Zuckerberg announced today that, for those companies who spend “substantial money” on ads, they would no longer have to worry.

“If you are a huge business that works with us, we certainly don’t want to let you down with our new ‘dislike’ option,” said Zuckerberg. “So, we have come up with a solution. Any company who spends more than $1 million with us each calendar year will not have the dislike option on their sponsored posts, thus making sure that the only option is to ‘like’ the posts or ads.”

Zuckerberg continued, saying that any company who spent more than $5 million on ads and sponsored posts each year would automatically get a like each time someone scrolled by.

“If you are a major company, and you spend major money with us, we want to keep you happy,” said Zuckerberg. “When a user scrolls by your ad or post, it will automatically register as a ‘like’ from that user, just because they saw it. We are also working on ways to make negative-based comments disappear when left on posts by large companies. A happy big business is a spend-happy big business. We need this, because no one wants to end up like MySpace or Google+.”

CEO Zuckerberg says that keeping big business happy is the only way to see a long-term survival by the social media giant.

Ronda Rousey, Floyd Mayweather To Fight In Exhibition Match In 2016

Posted on September 11, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A joint announcement between the UFC and the World Boxing Association was made this morning, detailing an event to be held next March that will put Floyd “Money” Mayweather in the ring against Ronda Rousey.

“This is a dream match-up, that many internet sports fans have wanted to see,” said George Glass, a WBA representative, live during the ESPN-aired announcement. “Mayweather is known mostly for beating women, and Rousey is known for fighting like a man, so this is going to be a must-watch pay-per-view.”

The event, which is scheduled to take place in March, 2016, at the Luxor Casino in Las Vegas, is still having its details ironed out by officials. The Mayweather camp naturally wants the fight to be boxing rules, while the Rousey camp thinks it should be more along the lines of UFC rules.

Many fans have argued over the last several months about who would win in a fight between the two champions, and fight promoters say that they are hoping this contest puts an end to the speculation.

“The worst thing that could happen is that the fight is a draw,” said Glass. “I don’t know for sure who I’d place my money on, but the one thing I know, is that I’ll certainly be shelling out the $125.99 to watch the fight on Pay-Per-View.

Mayweather is set to take home a purse of $4 million for the fight. Rousey, being a woman, will naturally only take home $2 million.

Obama’s Secret Plans To Give All African-Americans A $10,000 Check Revealed!

Posted on July 9, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Good news if you have some African roots in your family, as you will be receiving a nice check in the mail sometime before President Obama leaves office. Obama has secretly pushed through a new bill that will pay each African-American 18 years or older a check for $10,000. Sources say that Obama decided to do this as a way to give back to his people, and also give them a boost finically towards making their lives better.

While the money can be used for whatever the person chooses, Obama is recommending that the money be used towards paying off debt or investing in education.

“I love my American people, and I wish that I could do this for every citizen, but the fact is – I don’t have the budget to do that. The African-American people helped me get into office, and before I leave I want to make sure that I show appreciation for all my niggas out there,” said President Obama. “White people generally have enough money anyway, and the black man has been held down for years. It’s time that they got theirs.”

The Republican-controlled caused an uproar over Obama’s words and new bill, but after the President gave his argument of how this can boost the economy, they jumped on board.

“Sure, taxpayers will be footing the bill, but you have to understand the influx in the economy this will have,” said Obama. “There will be new TVs, cars, gold chains, and fried chicken flying out of the doors of every retail store that sells them. This influx in the spending of African-Americans will be great, and it will help everyone.”

Obama wants to make it clear that this has nothing to do with race or “playing favorites,” but he claims that the numbers speak for themselves, and that black people are the ones that truly need a helping hand.

New Retail Chain Opens Aimed At Rich Customers; $100 Dollar Stores

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A savvy retail operator has opened several new locations in Hollywood, Los Angeles, and Beverly Hills, a counter to what he calls “poor people places.”

“I visited my friends in New York, and it was ghastly,” said Miles Hardin, a boutique owner in Los Angeles. “I couldn’t believe the places they that shopped. The had stores out there called…I can barely say the words…Dollar. Stores. Oh my God, it was frightening! But it did get me thinking about a new line of stores I could open out here. So I opened my first $100 Dollar Store in January, and business has been booming!”

Hardin says that much like a dollar store, everything in his shops are one price – $100 even.

“It’s really simple economics. In dollar stores, they sell shit, made for pennies and marked up to $1.00,” said Hardin. “In my store, we sell cheap shit made for pennies, and mark it way, way up to $100. It’s a much better idea, and with the amount of money people have in California, they are flocking to my stores.”

Hardin says many celebrities visit his shops, including Jim Carrey, Kylie Minogue, and Chris Pratt.

“Pratt, he came in and bought a tablet cover. $100, out the door,” said Hardin. “He could have got the same one on the East Coast at a .99 cent store, but no. Rich people have rich tastes, no matter how down-to-Earth they are. It was cute though. A pink and purple tablet cover with Groot on it. He had a good laugh.”

Hardin says that he plans to expand to other rich areas in the country, including Silicon Valley and Bill Gate’s living room and master bathroom.

Would-Be Bank Robber Foiled By Bad Heart

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SKOWHEGAN, Maine –

Some people aren’t cut out to be criminals, as would-be bank robber, Tommy Perry found out the hard way.

Perry entered the Franklin Savings Bank with a backpack and a note instructing the teller to quickly empty her drawer. Witnesses say Perry seemed to be leaning on the counter as if to steady himself as she filled the bag. The teller had not even emptied her drawer before Perry suddenly fled out the door.

It is unclear how Perry planned to flee the area, but he did not make it out of the parking lot before collapsing.

Police discovered Perry lying between two parked cars, suffering from a heart attack and was detained and rushed to the hospital.

His wife says this may have been a blessing in disguise. “Tommy’s been under a lot of stress. He could’ve had a heart attack mowing the lawn, and we don’t have insurance right now. We would’ve been stuck with those medical bills. Now the state of Utah is footing the bill and he’s receiving the care he needs. All I can do is pray that if he doesn’t make it the life insurance policy will still go through. I’ll never forgive him if this means me and the kids won’t be taken care of.”

BFFs Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King Not Speaking Over ‘Underwear Dispute’

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MAUI, Hawaii –

Long time best friends Oprah Winfrey and Gayle are officially on the outs, and Oprah says she will not get over the betrayal.

“All those times she screwed Stedman. I got over it – But stealing my most personal things is something I will not tolerate,” said the billionaire TV personality.

King has apparently admitted to secretly stealing and selling granny panties from Oprah’s underwear drawer for years.

“So here and there I slipped some drawers into my purse? She’s one of the richest women in the word, and the tightwad won’t even consider loaning me a few thousand. So, I found a harmless, quick way to make a grand. I’m sure most people would do the same.”

King says that she has been selling the panties as “worn by Oprah” or “moistened by Oprah” for several years on different websites, sometimes fetching up to $5,000 for a single pair of panties.

“I don’t even want to think about what became of my personals. It’s downright disgusting. Of course, I’m just a little flattered, but it’s also insulting they didn’t go for more than a measly few grand.”

Sources say that Oprah has considered selling her own underwear and bras online to supplement her income now that she has learned of their possible value.