Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”

Jeb Bush Says He Will Use Remaining Campaign Contributions To Buy Yacht, Sail Around The World

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Former presidential candidate Jeb Bush has dropped out of the campaign race this year, after finally coming to the realization that he didn’t have a chance in hell of winning even the part nomination, let alone a seat in the White House.

Bush says that he will use the remaining money in his campaign fund, approximately $4 million, and buy a yacht, with plans to sail around the world.

“Normally I wouldn’t waste campaign money on something so frivolous,” said Bush. “I appreciate every person and company who, for some reason, had the bad foresight to donate to my campaign. Instead of using that money to support another candidate or give back, what I’ve decided is that I need a nice, long cruise around the world on a new yacht. I’ve already picked it out, and I’ve named it Queen Barbara, after my momma.”

Bush says that he plans to set sail in August, with hopes of “missing the end of the election completely.”

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

Celine Dion To Start Cancer Foundation, Wants Your Money

Posted on January 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HALIFX, Nova Scotia, Canada –

Within two days of each other last month, Celine Dion’s husband and brother died in battles with cancer. Throngs of fans were gathered outside of the funeral homes during each funeral, and security guards doubled as donation collectors passing around a hat so they could show their support. Dion says the money she has collected and future donations will go towards cancer research in Canada.

Dion reportedly came up with the idea while she was performing “My Heart Will Go On” as a tribute to her brother during a drunken karaoke session after he passed. “The song made me think of Titanic, which always makes me think of the boatload of money I made from that song. It also makes me think of how all our ships are going down in the long run, and I wanted to leave a legacy behind. Something my family could be proud of.”

The Daniel Dion Foundation will be based in Celine’s hometown of Charlemagne, Quebec. Dion says she hopes fans will redirect their fan mail there, and remember to include a check or money order.

“I had the choice between paying my rent, or sending Celine Dion a check, and I went with Dion,” said superfan Jamal Francis. “I have been in love with that woman’s voice since I could remember, and this is a good cause. I know she could give her own money, but my money is just as good.”

Donald Trump Hides Severe Heart Condition From Public

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The last thing a presidential candidate wants to show is weakness. Currently, Donald Trump is leading the Republican polls with 37.4%, while Ted Cruz follows at a staggeringly low 17.4%. Having a heart attack would likely not inspire voter support, and Donald Trump has reportedly been keeping his severe heart condition a secret.

The Trump campaign says voters will think he is soft and they deny he is having any sort of heart troubles.

“I’m not worried about losing financial support at all. I have plenty of money but it’s not all about the Benjamins,” said Trump. “The average republican voter wants a real American man; a little John Wayne, a little Richard Nixon.”

“I’m all that. Between the doctors I can afford and Melania keeping me on a strict diet of olive soil and sprouts, I’ll be around for a long time. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I think of good honest blue collar Americans losing their jobs to illegal immigrants…and 9/11…and those commercials about abused animals. Trump Foundation would do more for that cause, but I’m the least charitable billionaire in the world.”

According to an anonymous source, Trump’s heart condition started around the time he got his small, $2 million dollar loan from his father to start his first business. His heart, which was reportedly normal until that point, shrunk multiple sizes as he became a prize-winning ass clown.

First Contact: New Images from Voyager Satellite Prove Alien Existence

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

Voyager I has made contact with aliens, and they do not seem to have the capacity to understand human affairs. Scientists have analyzed the images and determined the beings are definitely animal-like in nature, although It cannot be confirmed whether they have souls. They sit atop what geologists suspect to be a rich oil deposit, and they hope to relocate the oil to Earth.

World leaders agree that the next step for humanity. is to invest in this venture.

“We’re all going to be rich! Rolexes and expensive cheeses for all!” said scientist George Miller Jr. “I cannot wait. We’ve finally made contact, and we are at this moment planning on a way to rape and pillage these aliens in much the same way that we raped the indigenous peoples here.”

Newly forming special interest groups for the creatures discovered by the Voyager satellite warn that “They’re just going to exploit their resources and drive them off like they did our own indigenous people.”

The daughter of a NASA official leaked the inside information. “They are so on their own little world, no knowledge of interstellar matters. Totally like, clueless. Daddy says we can send rockets there to start drilling, and my baby’s baby will be rich when they come back. I can’t wait.”

Financially Irresponsible? Try New Budgeting Service ‘Credibility Plus’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tend to blow through money? Credibly Plus has a new service to make you pay – your bills that is. For those of us who can’t seem to control our spending, the new service will in-effect garnish your wages before they hit your bank account. After the company takes a nominal fee, your bills get paid, according to a pre-budgeted limit.

“If people could control themselves, the diet industry wouldn’t be a booming industry. Our program helps people keep control. We’ll save you from yourselves,” said Credibility Plus CEO George Glass. “It’s like those programs that lock you out of the internet so you can get your work done. It’s like Weight Watchers for your finances – your ass will stay fat, but at least your bills will be paid.”

Credibility Plus says it helps members get out of debt, and long-term users successfully have saved up for cars, homes, and plastic surgery.

“I used Credibility Plus because I really wanted to get rid of unsightly body fat after that shitty Weight Watchers failed me,” said Marlene Jones. “I signed up because I can’t stop myself from spending money on stupid things like Weight Watchers. They helped me balance my money and get my life on track, and I was finally able to get that plastic surgery I wanted, and now my muffin top is gone!”

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Becomes First Film To Make $100 Billion Dollars At Box Office

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Star Wars fever has hit the world hard, after the latest installment, The Force Awakens, has crossed the $100 billion dollar mark in worldwide grosses, blowing away the previous box office champ, Avatar, which grossed only about $2.5 billion.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that the movie did so well,” said the director, JJ Abrams. “No one seemed to care too much when I reinvigorated Star Trek, so I didn’t have super high hopes for Force. Plus, all we really did was remake the first film, so seriously, it’s crazy that people are plopping down money to see it 15 or 20 times.”

Based on worldwide grosses, the studio behind the film, Disney, says that they estimate that every single human being currently alive on the planet has seen the film at least once, and that several babies – who won’t even be born until the new year – may have already seen it as well.

“It’s really the only way the film could have done so much money,” said Disney CEO Mike Laird. “I mean, think about it like this. Titanic was the number one film at the box office for almost a dozen years, at just over 2 billion dollars. Then Avatar knocks that out with just under 3 billion. And now, here comes Force, which brings in a whopping $100 billion? I mean, that’s insane, right? There are 8 billion people in the world, and with average ticket prices at around $12, that means everyone, everywhere has seen the movie.”

Although those numbers add up, that’s likely not the case, according to box office analysts.

“More likely, it’s the same handful of nerds who’ve gone and see the movie 40 or 50 times in IMAX, which have ticket prices closer to the $20 range,” said Box Office Mojo writer Gil Morrison. “I can honestly say I haven’t seen it, and probably never will. I mean shit, who cares?”

Woman Claims She Makes Thousands Of Dollars Running Dog Breastfeeding Business

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

A Mississippi woman says that she makes thousands of dollars each year running a business of breastfeeding dogs, reports the Mississippi Times. Maryanne Chambers started her business 10 years ago after discovering that her breast milk supply never seemed to run out.

“I breastfed my children until they were out of diapers, but then I noticed I still had tons of milk to give,” said Chambers, 34. “So, I decided to put it to good use.”

Many dog owners say that human breast milk is the most nutritious thing for their pets to drink, but it is often very hard to come by.

“Oh boy, my pug Lucyfur, she loves breast milk,” said a dog owner who wishes to remain anonymous. “I started paying Maryanne about 2 years ago. Sometimes, my Lucky, she goes over to Maryanne’s house and suckles straight from the source, but usually I just buy bottled milk.”

Chambers says that she usually charges around $40 a bottle for her breast milk, but that so many clients need multiple bottles, she regularly earns a near six-figure income.

“Last year I cleared $97,000 after taxes,” said Chambers. “If you’ve got tit milk a-brewing, then you better get those dogs over to your place. You won’t regret it.”

Wal-Mart Says They Are Canceling All Black Friday Sales, Events

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., the world’s largest retailer, has announced – very last minute – that they will be pulling out of Black Friday sales and events, and will be closed on Thanksgiving, with stores reopening at 8am on Friday morning.

“We will not have the major sales this year, and we are hoping that other stores will follow suit,” said Wal-Mart CEO Tim Brown. “Over the years, we’ve had fights, guns, deaths, trampled customers, and more, and we are sick of it. This year, we are closing on Thanksgiving, paying all of our employees for the day off, and then come Friday, we will open back up at our regular time of 8am. No deals, nothing extra, just our normal rollback, everyday savings.”

Many customers who already had their Black Friday shopping routes mapped out were more than outraged, taking to social media to call the company out for not allowing them to shop.

“This is some serious bullshit, @Walmart,” tweeted user @ShopAHo-Lick. “I needed me some shoes, some DVDs, and I was gonna get me that tablet. Fuck you Walmart. I be at @Target.”

“I really was hoping to get the new Roku box for cheap, but I guess I’ll just pay normal price for it,” said Facebook user Mark Moore. “This is insane. How can I save money at Walmart if they won’t just open on Thanksgiving and let me gorge out on savings and deals? I guess I won’t be going into debt again this year. You greedy bastards.”

Wal-Mart says that a little customer anger is nothing compared to the long-term effects of pulling out of Black Friday sales.

“They’ll still shop with us, what choice do they even have?” said Brown.