Bernie Sanders Says He Will Completely Forgive Student Loans If Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may soon be off the hook for their education costs. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that if elected, he will sign a new federal bill releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, would no longer be required to pay back those loans,” said Bernie Sanders. “This forgiveness would also be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Sanders. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year,  Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Hillary Clinton Says She Wants Her Picture To Be Featured On $20 Bill

hillarycash

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton says that she “firmly believes” that she should be featured on the $20 bill, which has been being looked at by government officials to be changed to a strong woman from history. Currently, people have been voting for major game-changes such as Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks, but Clinton said that she would be the “best choice.”

“I have overcome so much, between my political and personal career, and yet here I am, still ahead of the game, working towards becoming the first president,” said Clinton. “There is a good chance that I will go down as history when I win the election in November, so between that and my history as a stand-up woman, I honestly feel I would be a good choice.”

Clinton went on to say that standing by her philandering husband, former president Bill Clinton, was one of her “proudest moments,” and just another reason that she would be perfect to be featured on the money.

“I could have left him when he was getting his member rubbed by any greasy whore who walked into the Oval Office, but I didn’t,” said Clinton. “That shows that I’m a proud woman, who can forgive, and not at all a total fool who was made to look like an idiot in the public eye.”

Clinton says she hopes that the members of the US Mint will consider making her the new face of the $20 bill in place of Andrew Jackson.

Swipe Your Driver’s License For Free Gas Thanks To Leftover Campaign Funds [VIDEO]

license

DALLAS, Texas –

A rather frugal Texan recently made a video showing how anyone in the country could get a bit of free gas at their local gas station, thanks to new campaign laws that make it illegal for money to funnel back into the political candidate once they have left the race.

“These public funds, they could easily go back into a check or some other refund to the people who donated, or to the public via tax breaks, but this seems like a much easier way to get people their few dollars, and at a cheaper cost to the government,” said Craig Smith, who filmed the video. “Checks cost money to print and mail. Instead, it seems they just applied the money to the license of anyone who donated and voted. The money is there, you just have to use it.”

The original post, which was made available on Facebook, claims that it’s valid for anyone “until the fund dries up.”

$10.00 free gas!!!!! Just found out about this! After the Primary Election any money left over in the campaign funds goes into an account and you can get $10.00 free gas a month until the fund goes dry! I tried it and it works!!!! Share with everyone so others can enjoy!!!

Check out the original video below, which explains how the license can be used to obtain the free gas.

Cell Phone Carriers Secretly Adding Data Overage Charges To Bills

cell phone data

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.

“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”

Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.

“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.

The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.

“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”

Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

saliiemae

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

Man Commits Suicide After Failing To Rise Money For New Sneakers On GoFundMe

jump

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A week after jumping four floors from a hospital window, Hakeen Burley has died from his injuries. After failing to raise enough money through his crowdfunding campaign, Burley decided to take his own life.

Burley was visiting his grandmother, who was recovering from heart surgery at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore. According to witnesses, Burley made one last plea to his family and friends to donate to his GoFundMe Campaign, which he had set up so he could buy the new pair of Fendi monster fur-trimmed leather high-top sneakers he had his eye on.

His cousin, Jamal, explains, “It was real important to him to get those kicks before they went out of style. In his mind, his time was running out, but the problem is he comes from a poor family, and no one cares to help him out. We were all too busy trying to find a way to raise money for Grammy’s heart surgery.”

Although Burley’s grandmother got quite a shock, she has recovered from her surgery and was released from the hospital.

“He was always my least favorite grandchild, anyway,” said Burley’s Grandmother, Irene. “He only came to visit me in the hospital to hit me up for money, the ungrateful brat. I won’t say that I’m glad that he’s gone, but…Hakeen, who?”

Habitat For Humanities Funding Cut; Charity To Begin Building Trailers Instead of Houses

trailer

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Habitat For Humanities, who have been building houses for needy families for years announced today that their funding has been cut by over 70%, and that donations have slowed to a trickle in the last 6 months.

“We’re not sure if we’re going to be able to continue at this rate, but so far, what we’ve decided is that we cannot let families go without a home,” said Habitat president Joanne Miller. “With that in mind, we’ve come up with a cheap alternative, and we have started building modular trailers for our families in need. They’re smaller, and probably a little trashier, but at least it has four walls and a roof.”

Miller says that she hopes that at some point donations start coming back in, but she’s not hopeful.

“It’s very hard to get people to want to donate money to have a house built for someone,” said Miller. “I mean, in all seriousness, I don’t even have my own house, you know? People don’t see it as a real need, because they’re struggling to pay their rent or mortgage, and here we are asking for money to give someone else a free house. It’s hard.”

So far, since funding was cut, Habitat for Humanities has built 3 new trailers in the Atlanta region, with plans on having at least 2 more done by year’s end.

College Student Pays Tuition By Begging On Streets

homeless

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

19-year-old college Sophomore Ben James says that he has paid off his entire college tuition in less than two years after he discovered street begging.

“I kept seeing the same homeless guy outside my dorm begging, every single day,” said James, who is earning his degree in business. “One day I just asked him. I said ‘hey man, how much are you actually making out here every day? Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a job?’ And he tells me that he’s making almost $400 a day, every day. I couldn’t believe it.”

James says that the next day he went to the thrift store, bought some ratty clothes, and rubbed them in dirt and cut them up. He found a corner near a busy intersection, and says he took in nearly $300 on his first day out.

“People feel sorry for you when you’re homeless, and they like to give. They especially like to give if you’re young, and they like to give if you have a funny sign,” said James. “I’ve even had other homeless guys throw me a couple bucks. Of course, I let them in on my secret that I’m not homeless, and just trying to pay for college. They actually thought it was a great idea.”

So far, James has brought in over $85,000 from begging, enough to pay for his entire four years as a student at the University of Phoenix.

Couple Renovating New Home Find $6M In Cash Stored Between Walls

cash

LINCOLN, Nebraska – 

A couple who recently purchased an old farmhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, got a massive surprise when they began renovating their house last month. Melissa and Bryan Jenkins, both 32, purchased the house with a $10,000 down payment. The total cost of the home? $189,000.

“We are going to be able to pay off the house instantly now, with this cash. And once we do, we’re selling the hell out of it and buying a mansion,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe the dumb luck. We didn’t even want this house. It was like, our 3 or 4th choice, but the other sales fell through. So we took what we could get.”

Bryan Jenkins says that he took the first swing with the hammer at the wall, and several bills poured right out.

“We were opening up the first floor bedroom to make a bigger dining room, and cash just started raining down with every swing,” said Bryan. “We couldn’t believe it. We were almost screaming with excitement. By the end of the weekend, we’d pretty much smashed out every wall that wasn’t a retaining wall, and even some of those we may have knocked a couple holes in.”

All totaled, the couple racked up over $6 million in cash.

“According to state law, the money is ours. The house has been vacant for over 20 years, and just like if you found an old bike in the weeds of an overgrown garden, everything that comes with the house is yours when you move in,” said Melissa. “We’re so blessed. Now to get the hell out of Nebraska.”

Obama Portrait To Replace Grant On U.S. $50 Bill

obamabill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

It’s all about the Obamas, Baby. The United States Mint, the organization responsible for printing and pressing all of the nation’s currency, has announced today that President Barack Obama is going to be the new face of the U.S. $50, which currently features president Grant.

“Most people cannot even name the person on the $50, and we have been looking to change it for some time,” said U.S. Mint chairman Michael Rafael. “President Obama has been instrumental in making some of the best changes that this country has ever gone through, and together with congress, we have decided to immortalize the president by having his face appear on new bills.”

The new United States fifties will begin being pressed later this year, after the mint develops the metal presses needed to print the bills. Although they will start being printed later in 2016, Rafael says that they will not see public circulation until 2017.

“We do not want to release the bills while the president is still active in his seat in the White House,” said Rafael. “We will start releasing the bills as soon as Bernie Sanders is sworn in as our next elected official.”

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