Syrian Refugees Announce They No Longer Want To Come To United States

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After hearing nothing but shit being spoken of them over the last several weeks, mostly be Republican puppets who do not understand world issues, the Syrian refugees seeking asylum have announced that they no longer wish to seek safety inside the United States.

“With all the crap that Republicans have said about us, with all the stupid things people like Donald Trump have mouthed off about, we have decided that we will no longer be looking to seek asylum in the United States,” said a spokesman for the group of refugees. “We do not want to be put into camps. We do not want to have to wear stupid symbols designating us as Christian or Muslims. None of that matters. None of that should matter. We just want to be safe, and we are beginning to realize that we’d be less safe in America than we would be staying in Syria.”

“I for one am glad them damn Moose-lums don’t wanna come to here no more,” said Texan Joey Goldsmith. “Them damn foreigners already be coming here, taking jobs, taking government handouts, and we can’t even fix our own damn problems. We got homeless vets on the streets for shit’s sake, and now you want to take in some Serbians or whatever? Goddamn Obama been the worst thing to happen to this country since World War 1.”

When reminded that there was also a World War 2 that greatly affected this country, Goldsmith admitted that he wasn’t aware of it.

“Shit, World War 1, 2, I don’t give a shit,” said Goldsmith. “Just keep them damn towel-heads out my damn country. If they come to Texas, I’ll shoot ’em on sight.”

President Obama Arrested For Possession of Marijuana While Driving In Maryland

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

President Obama has reportedly been arrested for joyriding and possession of marijuana while traveling through Maryland on his way back to the White House, according to police reports.

The Baltimore Police Department say they pulled over a black 2015 Ford Ranger that was swerving erratically early Friday morning. Officers were surprised to find President Obama behind the wheel, obviously under the influence of marijuana.

“Our officers pulled over a new, luxury SUV at approximately 3AM Friday morning,” said Baltimore police captain Gary Holmes. “Officer Dan Lewis approached the vehicle, and found President Barack Obama in the driver’s seat. He was alone in the vehicle, and Officer Lewis claims there was an extremely strong odor of marijuana emanating from the cabin of the vehicle.”

According to Officer Lewis’ report, the President did not resit arrest, or put up any sort of argument with officials.

“He was very respectful, and came willingly,” said Officer Lewis. “He was arrested at the scene, and was booked on driving under the influence. A car containing 3 secret service agents arrived minutes after President Obama was stopped, and they, too, were cooperative with the arrest.”

Obama was held overnight and released on bail. According to the White House press secretary, President Obama will pardon himself for the misdemeanor, and will not face any jail time.

President Obama Lifts Trade Embargo With Cuba

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama announced today that he would sign documents releasing the trade embargo on trades with Cuba, a blockade that has been in place for over 50 years. The move comes as part of Obama’s campaign to open more doors for American businesses to deal face-to-face with foreign companies.

“I believe that America is the greatest nation in the world, and that we are also a forgiving nation,” said Obama. “We will never forget the Missile Crisis held over our heads by the Cubans, but we can forgive many nations of many mistakes. This is one time to forgive.”

The embargo has long since blocked any American businesses from dealing with companies based in Cuba. The new ruling would allow goods to once again be bought and sold from the United States to Cuba, and vice-versa.

“This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” said Texas rancher Bubba Reynolds. “I paid over $2,000 for a box of high-end, beautiful Cuba cigars. I thought I was investing in my future. Up until yesterday these beauties were worth over 5 times what I paid. Now they’re junk, because any schmo can get them imported. Next time I deal in illegal trades with other countries, I’ll stick to Colombia and their cocaine.”

The embargo dissolution will not take effect until the first of the new year.

Obama Pardons Catholic Priests Convicted Of Child Abuse

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There’s still a year left in Obama’s presidency, and it seems he’s shaking things up before he goes. In a startling and disturbing decision, President Obama has announced that he will officially pardon the Catholic priests that have been accused of child molestation while in their positions in the Church.

“Although many of the accused have been excommunicated and removed from their positions, they still live with the guilt of their alleged crimes,” said President Obama. “Of the men jailed for the crimes, I am offering a full pardon, and immediate release. These men have suffered enough at the hands of God, and do not need to be imprisoned for their acts. Acts which they cannot control.”

Although there have been many abuse cases in the church over the years, only a small number of priests or other church members have ever been arrested and convicted in the courts. Most were not able to be prosecuted for charges brought against them, as too much time had passed since the alleged crimes. Several, though, were able to be sent to prison.

“Currently, there are 28 priests throughout the country who are in jail for crimes against children, and they will be pardoned and released by November 1st,” said Obama. “This is my way of showing forgiveness and love, which the Catholic church is so well known for.”

Obama Admits To Being Born In Kenya, Says ‘What Are You Going To Do About It Now?’

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking announcement, President Obama has admitted that he is not a natural-born citizen, and that he was, like the ‘birthers’ assumed, born in Kenya.

“I was, in fact, born outside of this great country,” said President Obama in a press conference from the White House. “But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t the best damn president that the United States has had in decades. I think I have proven that you do not need to be American to love and appreciate America, and you definitely should not be American if you want to run America.”

Obama went on to say that he had given himself a full pardon, and that he could not be held in any legal troubles for serving as president the last 7 years.

“I have pardoned myself from the crimes of forgery and fraud, and I ask everyone, all my detractors – ‘what are you going to do about it now?’ The answer, of course, is nothing,” said Obama. “I may be on my way out of this office, out of the presidency, but I still have the power to make decisions, and those decisions will have lasting effect on everyone.”

Obama’s second a final term ends in 2016.

Trump Says After He’s Elected, He’ll Finally Rid World Of ‘Biggest Problem’

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has announced that when he is elected president next year, he will finally get rid of the problems that have been plaguing the entire world, and his sights are set on something very close to home: his toupée.

“I understand that my hair looks like a Troll doll, or a cat’s ass, or a hamster trying to escape a cage,” said Trump. “When I am elected next year…when I am elected…I will finally be removing my toupée, and I will be going bald.”

Trump says that he has decided to remove the hairpiece as a movement of solidarity – not only with bald men everywhere, but with the entire nation who has mocked and ridiculed him.

“The whole country has made jokes at my expense, and many of them revolved around my hair,” said Trump. “If I am going to fix this country, then I need to fix the joking, and so that means getting rid of this fake hair. There will never again be Hell Toupée after I’m elected.”

United States Government Seeks Design For New American Flag

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.

“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”

Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.

“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”

Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.

Kanye West Announces Run For Presidency In 2020, Oddly Assumes He’ll Still Be Relevant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

During the MTV VMAs, an award ceremony in its 32nd year that approximately 6 people may have cared to watch, producer, rapper, and Mr. Kardashian himself, Kanye West, announced that he would run for president during the 2020 elections.

“No one would make a better president than I would,” said West, presumably. “Hell, we’ve already had one black president. I could run in 2016, but I forgot those elections were happening, and I’m a little late. So I’ll run in 2020, and I’ll win. Plus, Kim will make one hell of a first lady, that’s for damn sure.”

According to political analysts, West has approximately a “0%” chance of ever becoming elected, whether he ran in 2016, 2020, or in 2040.

“Kanye West is already fading into obscurity, thank God,” said political analyst Mike Phisher. “He does these things to make himself stand out for a second, like interrupting Taylor Swift, having unhealthy obsessions with Beyonce, having really ugly babies and naming them odd-ball things. He’s not really a celebrity anymore, and by 2020 he’ll be completely forgotten. He’s kind of just the male version of his wife, Kim Kardashian. He has about as much chance being elected president as an illegal immigrant from Mexico. Besides, what party would want him? There is no ‘pretentious asshole’ party.”

West reportedly seems undeterred.

“I will certainly stand a better chance than most people, as I have tons of money to waste and can run easily spend enough to get noticed, not that there’s any way that I won’t still be in the spotlight,” said West. “Thing is, nobody is better than me at anything. I could be the next president, the next Pope, the shit don’t matter. Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it better than anyone.”

FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels.

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

Obama’s Secret Plans To Give All African-Americans A $10,000 Check Revealed!

Posted on July 9, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Good news if you have some African roots in your family, as you will be receiving a nice check in the mail sometime before President Obama leaves office. Obama has secretly pushed through a new bill that will pay each African-American 18 years or older a check for $10,000. Sources say that Obama decided to do this as a way to give back to his people, and also give them a boost finically towards making their lives better.

While the money can be used for whatever the person chooses, Obama is recommending that the money be used towards paying off debt or investing in education.

“I love my American people, and I wish that I could do this for every citizen, but the fact is – I don’t have the budget to do that. The African-American people helped me get into office, and before I leave I want to make sure that I show appreciation for all my niggas out there,” said President Obama. “White people generally have enough money anyway, and the black man has been held down for years. It’s time that they got theirs.”

The Republican-controlled caused an uproar over Obama’s words and new bill, but after the President gave his argument of how this can boost the economy, they jumped on board.

“Sure, taxpayers will be footing the bill, but you have to understand the influx in the economy this will have,” said Obama. “There will be new TVs, cars, gold chains, and fried chicken flying out of the doors of every retail store that sells them. This influx in the spending of African-Americans will be great, and it will help everyone.”

Obama wants to make it clear that this has nothing to do with race or “playing favorites,” but he claims that the numbers speak for themselves, and that black people are the ones that truly need a helping hand.