Obama Portrait To Replace Grant On U.S. $50 Bill

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It’s all about the Obamas, Baby. The United States Mint, the organization responsible for printing and pressing all of the nation’s currency, has announced today that President Barack Obama is going to be the new face of the U.S. $50, which currently features president Grant.

“Most people cannot even name the person on the $50, and we have been looking to change it for some time,” said U.S. Mint chairman Michael Rafael. “President Obama has been instrumental in making some of the best changes that this country has ever gone through, and together with congress, we have decided to immortalize the president by having his face appear on new bills.”

The new United States fifties will begin being pressed later this year, after the mint develops the metal presses needed to print the bills. Although they will start being printed later in 2016, Rafael says that they will not see public circulation until 2017.

“We do not want to release the bills while the president is still active in his seat in the White House,” said Rafael. “We will start releasing the bills as soon as Bernie Sanders is sworn in as our next elected official.”

President Obama Says He Will Release All Drug Offenders From U.S. Prisons

Posted on March 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama says commuting the prison sentences of 61 drug offenders was “just the beginning” in the massive overhaul he is making in the US criminal justice system.

“After successfully fixing the US healthcare system, I thought ‘what else can I do to make the most impact in my term?’” Obama, in a letter to the inmates receiving commutations, said the presidential power to grand commutations and pardons “embodies the basic belief in our democracy that people deserve a second chance after having made a mistake in their lives that led to a conviction under our laws.”

Obama will be releasing non-violent drug offenders only, and there will be oversight so that only those deserving of a second chance, who pinky promise that they won’t do it again, will be released. Obama denies that being a proud, half-black man has anything to do with his interest in fixing the criminal justice system.

“Just because I’m half-African American, and most of the criminals in prison on drug charges are also black, doesn’t mean that I’m being lenient,” said Obama. “I mean, let’s be clear, most of the men in prison are black no matter what their crime is, but I’m not letting out the rapists and the murderers.”

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

Obama Looks To Pass ‘No Texting While Eating’ Law

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.

“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”

Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.

“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.

April Fools Day To Become National Holiday Starting In 2016

Posted on January 12, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you were upset that your job only gives you the standard Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas off each year, you’re in luck. White House press secretary Joel Winter released word this morning that several other holidays that are celebrated each year will officially become national holidays, giving more people time off from their regular nine-to-five.

“We are officially recognizing several new holidays as government, or ‘National’ holidays, starting in 2016 and 2017,” said Winter in the statement. “Starting this year, April Fools Day, Grandparents Day, and Talk Like a Pirate Day will all officially be recognized in the United States as national holidays. These days will give employers more opportunities to give their employees a day off, and give workers extra days to relax and enjoy time with families.”

According to Winter, 2017 will see even more inclusions, including Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day is one that we had hoped to see become a national holiday in 2016, but it was just coming up too fast,” said Winter. “It is a major holiday, though – for both couples and single people. Yes, even singles love Valentine’s Day, because it gives them an excuse to drink more. It was with that in mind that the holiday made the list; no one likes to be drunk at work.”

Winter says the final step in the holiday recognition changes would be to include birthdays, which they are hoping to have officially on the books by 2020.

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

Obama To Lower Federal Minimum Wage In Light Of Recent State Increases

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over thirteen states have announced that they will be increasing their minimum wage level starting January 1st, and although that means more money for many people in their paychecks each week, the federal government has stepped in and announced a decrease in the federal minimum wage to balance out the state increases.

“For those of you who currently make minimum wage, which is $7.25 nationally, you will be kept where you are,” said President Obama during a press conference on Wednesday. “Starting January 1st, the federal minimum wage will be lowered to $6.80, which we hope will offset the increase levied by many state governments.”

In places such as California, the minimum wage is as high as $10, but in many states, particularly poorer or low-income states, the minimum wage has always followed the federal levels.

“This is insane, it truly is,” said Mark Jacobs, a fast food worker in Maine who has been out of work since June. “My hours were cut back to the point that I was laid off, but now if I go out to find a job, they don’t have to even pay me $7.25 anymore? At this rate I should just go move to Chicago. There they’re forcing employers to pay fast food workers $12 an hour, the same as their state workers! I’m not going to stay around here for six bucks, that’s for sure.”

President Obama said that this measure will be one of his final major acts as president, signing the new minimum wage levels into law on January 4th, when congress returns from holiday break.

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

SHOCKING PHOTO: President Tries To Kill Stephen Hawking After Argument During White House Dinner

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama reportedly had to be pulled off of famed physicist Stephen Hawking after the two got into an altercation at the White House on Wednesday afternoon, say witnesses. According to other attendees, Obama and Hawking got into an argument about which movie was better, The Wiz or The Wizard of Oz.

“Everyone knows that President Obama is a massive fan of The Wiz,” said another guest at the dinner, who asked not to be named. “Somehow, when the topic of movies was brought up, Mr. Hawking began talking about his love of the character of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. As soon as he saw an opening, Obama, of course, brought up The Wiz. From there, all hell broke loose.”

Obama reportedly began lobbing insults at Hawking, calling him a “crippled piece of shit,” and a “movie snob” after Hawking begin talking about how terrible of a movie The Wiz is.

“It was pandemonium. The President actually jumped across the table and flung himself at Stephen, who of course could only yell electronically and blink his eyes in protest,” said another dinner guest. “The Secret Service had to pull President Obama off of poor Mr. Hawking. Sadly, I think they took him away and beat him up a little somewhere else, privately.”

No lawsuits have been filed, but attorneys for Stephen Hawking have a “serious case” against the president, as many witnesses saw the assault.

“Plus, everyone knows how bad The Wiz really is,” said attorney Joe Lean. “I can’t believe anyone would actually like that movie. No offense to the President, or anything.”